Good morning! Update from the gainer not loser...I have now been off MJ for 32 days, after deciding to take a break and restart (it was no longer working for me, was just like I was injecting water!). So, since March 1 I have gained 34lbs, which is impressive - but as I've said before a big chunk of that was while I was on 15mg, so I'd definitely stopped responding to it, had zero suppression, constant food noise, just exactly like I was in the Before Times.
For the last few days I've been umming and aahing about going back on it. Not for any medical or financial reasons, but because I have completely reverted to being the same as I was, and as I have been most of my adult life - eating crap food, binging, feeling like I'm in some kind of food eating endurance contest where I must shove as much in my mouth as humanly possible. Cakes, chocolate, crisps, ice cream, take aways. And part of me didn't want to stop - this is weird, but I felt more like myself. Comforted I suppose, or at least distracted. But I am self aware enough to know that comfort is fake, and it comes not only with all the physical problems of obesity but with a side helping of sadness, shame and self-loathing. There are many complex reasons I'm like this, I'm sure - why I've delayed going back on because I was 'enjoying' eating so much (only in the moment it hits my mouth). I'm sure you will all understand some of what I'm saying, as none of us ended up on a '10 stone or more to lose' thread by having a normal relationship with food!
Anyway, enough is enough - I have had lots of excuses, social events etc etc, but I could keep coming up with excuses all the time. So today I'm going to jab again - 10 clicks on a 15mg pen is 2.5mg, yes? Maths is not my strong suit - I got there by dividing 15 by 60 and then figuring it from there but someone please shout if I'm wrong! Part of me still doesn't want to do it, because there are Cornettos in the freezer and a cheese bloomer loaf in the bread bin and because I'm going out with a friend tonight. But there will always be something won't there?
My absolute terror now is that even taking over a month off and clearing the MJ from my system, it won't work again. I am genuinely loving reading all of your fantastic posts about where you're at loss wise, and I really do find it inspiring - but I also feel a bit deflated that it didn't work for me in the same way. First 4 or 5 months, brilliant, I couldn't believe how it changed my life, my mentality, so much. I felt liberated. Now I'm back in fat girl jail and I hope my break-out plan works! I'll also be interested to see if it helps with my ankle, back and aches and pains - I believe MJ has a powerful anti-inflammatory effect for me, but of course it could just be the gain making my body unhappy! So, The Reset - I'll go back to weighing in weekly from this point on.
CW: 268 lbs