@mounjarorookie I really relate to this. About twelve years ago I did a (retrospectively quite terrifying) VLCD and went to my lowest ever weight and it made me feel terrible and I could never understand it. It brought up so much shame and I think for me, I still had such low self esteem but I had always directed that at my body. So of course I hated myself because I was fat - but if I could be slim then I would feel worthy and happy with myself at last! Except I didn't, and that made me feel that if it was something more fundamental in me that was the problem. Without fat to hide behind, everyone would be able to see how defective I was as a human being. I felt exposed and embarrassed and so precarious - because of course I couldn't survive on that diet for longer, and of course I did regain that weight and more and in a way there was a comfort in going back to how I was and back into the more familiar refrain of self blame that I was used to.
Weight loss brings up a whole host of feelings and it can get really complicated and difficult. I get used to thinking of things I'll do when I lose the weight which translates to 'I don't deserve those things now' and then I still don't think I deserve them if and when I do get there. I think of myself as a failure, because I've failed so many times to have the body I wanted and I ignore all the professional and personal successes I've had. I think of myself as weak for not being able to stick to diets, ignoring how strong and determined and motivated I am in all other areas of my life and all the things I've achieved. I can tell myself none of it matters because in all the photos of those proud moments, I only see a fat person and think she doesn't deserve any of it and I think everyone else will think that too.
But thinking all those things doesn't make them true. The only thing we really don't deserve is how hard we are on ourselves. We deserve to treat ourselves with a lot more compassion and see ourselves as more than a number on a scale or a BMI category. I hope you can be kinder to yourself, and don't feel bad about how you feel.