SIL invited only husband to wedding

[NiftyFawn]

Am I being crazy , entitled or rude ? My husband's sister has recently invited only my husband to her destination wedding . We have had no falling out or anything like that . Feel very hurt , it feels disrespectful to me and my husband . MIL fully supports this which makes it worse . Am I wrong for feeling like this ? DH fully agrees , interested in others thoughts

Yeah, same. In fact DP would chuck the invitation in the bin and not bother replying. In his head, you either invite people properly or fall into the category of ‘playing games’ / ‘loving the drama’ and he can’t be doing with it.

His family has form …

The ‘backstory’ is that they don’t see her as family. The OP said that.

He doesn’t want to go.

Sounds like either she wants a small wedding, doesn’t like you, or doesn’t want him to attend, but it’s her wedding so she can invite whoever she wants.

I think it depends on sil reasons if other sil/bil are attending then yes it’s rude. If they are having a small wedding with immediate family members and best friends and want to keep numbers down it’s understandable. You haven’t actually said if you have asked sil why. I think as a couple it’s ok to do things separately but if her reason is she just doesn’t want you there then it’s harsh.

I could just about see this as ok if it was a tiny parents-and-siblings only wedding that was taking place locally, with partners joining for a meal/drinks afterwards. Just about. But asking one half of a married couple - who are so close to you in family terms - to travel to a destination wedding is bonkers and extremely rude.

Yes I agree with this.

If other sil/bil have also been excluded so as to keep numbers to an absolute minimum then the invitation isn't rude. Your DH can obviously decline at will.

So I presume your ash has told his sister he won’t be attending her wedding because his wife isn’t invited?
how has that gone down?

not inviting a sibling’s spouse is very different to other plus ones not being included, or not inviting children.

do they have other siblings and are their partners/spouses invited?

My husband was invited to his friend's wedding without me and he refused to go. I hope your husband stands up for you.
I am Muslim and one of the stories I love is when the Prophet Muhammad declined an invitation for food from a neighbour because his wife was not invited. When the neighbour invited him, the Prophet asked if his wife could join, and when the neighbour said no, he declined, and only accepted the invite when the neighbour agreed to invite her on the third attempt.
Your marriage is a union. Your SIL does not respect that.

Is she paying?
Are there other siblings, if so are their spouses invited? If you're the only one not invited then you'd have a point maybe.

I honestly hand on heart wouldn't care. I have one family and it's my own, I don't see my partner's family as mine, and that wouldn't change if he was my husband.

I find this merging of families odd. The fact I'm marrying a man doesn't suddenly make his mum, dad, etc my family. They'd be acquaintances to me. And vice versa. Same as I wouldn't see his children as my family and my children from a previous relationship as his. We all know that should we divorce, I'd never see any of them ever again, nor would I want to. That's not family.

So in this case I wouldn't care, and would encourage my partner to go, it's his sister. I would very much care if my own actual sibling wouldn't invite me to his wedding. Husband's sister? Meh. Weddings are so boring and a chore anyway.

Extremely rude and it would be an instant decline for my DH.

Marriage is merging families. You will become legally recognised as your husband's next of kin. His parents will be your in-laws and his children will be your stepchildren. If you want to keep your lives separate then why get married?

This! ⬆️

My sister and her partner have been engaged for nearly two decades. We recently had a discussion about what she wants from a wedding and she literally wants it to be her, her partner and her son. But as she know she needs two witnesses, she has put it off because whoever she invites to be the other witness, a whole bunch of other people would be pissed off. Her partner’s brother’s wife is already making a massive stink about it. If she could chose only one other person free of guilt, it would be me. I told her to invite whoever the hell she wants and I’d be happy with that. Whether it was me or anyone else. What matters is she will be married. I’d love to be there, of course I would, but not if it makes her uncomfortable on the one day that is supposed to be all about her and her partner. She loves my husband and considers him family but I’m entirely ok if I’m invited and he isn’t. None of it is about me or him or anyone else.

If she invited me, not him, but invited my brother and his wife, that would be a different conversation but if it’s a wedding just for the OG family of parents and siblings, that’s absolutely fine.

Then don’t get married. The entire purpose of it is to bind you and your husband as each others next of kin, and by extension your families as each others families.

I cannot understand why anyone who feels this way would ever get married!! Wouldn’t you turn up and think meh, should have just had a party and told our friends we were in love?

Just weddings and significant family events. Because they are family and that’s what a wedding means.

Where does that end though? I have nineteen cousins. All of them are married and have children. Some of their children have children. I could literally pass these people in the street and not know who they are. I haven’t seen my cousins for over a decade, they are pretty much strangers to me. Am I obliged to include all of these in a family event? Would my daughter be obliged to consider them in a wedding invite even though she has never met any of them?

The fact is we choose who we want to actually consider family. Each of us draws the boundary line where we feel comfortable with it. For me, my sibling’s partners are family whether they are married or not. My nephew’s partner is family, as is her daughter who is not biologically his. But my cousin’s son’s wife whom I have never met, is not family.

The "by extension" is doing a lot of heavy lifting. Try telling that to all the MNers with awful in-laws.

I'm NC with my parents. Marrying DP sure as hell won't bind him or his family to them!

And ultimately what it comes down to is that you can't artificially create a close personal relationship that doesn't exist.

But that’s exactly the case with real family too- if your sister were always really bitchy and critical you wouldn’t choose to hang out with them. They still become family, although maybe they become family you cut off. But the key point here is that by marrying your dh you become their closest family member, their next of kin. And to simultaneously say I want to get married but won’t be acknowledging my brothers wife as someone I should invite.. we wouldn’t be going.

It obviously extends as far as your partner's family ties do!

My husband's sister's son is my nephew, my brother's son is his nephew too. His parents are not my daughter's grandparents or my in-laws because he is no contact with them, but my parents are her grandparents and his in-laws because I am in close contact with them. His daughter is my stepdaughter, our daughter is her sister.

But wedding invites should be dependent on the relationship that already exists, not the formal "next of kin" stuff.

If you had a bitchy, critical sister who you didn't hang out with much, you might choose to invite your brilliant, loyal best friend to your wedding instead. And that's fine.

If you have a close relationship with your SIL and then she doesn't invite you to her wedding, while other partners are - yes, that's weird. But if you barely know your SIL and only rarely see each other then if she's having a small wedding, there isn't any reason she should include you above people she's actually close to.

Do you know the full guest list? Are other spouses invited? Not that it matters really you should absolutely be invited. Glad your DH is sticking up for you.

If it’s only parents and siblings, fair.

If anyone else is taking partners, very odd.

There is no question that this is a divisive choice to make without any prior discussion or context.

Feels like she's either 1) laid down a bit of a challenge to your DH regarding his loyalties or 2) doesn't really want him there/care if he comes and knows he won't come if you're not invited.

There really isn't a third path IMO (although many on here would find a way, I'm sure, IRL there isn't.)

Only you and your DH are in a position to say whether the first or second option is more likely.

Either way, it's a drama fest and I'd step away.