I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

Go to the wedding, if you don't he's "won" and she'll be stuck with him because your relationship will be beyond repair. For you DD's sake show her that no matter what you'll always be there for her, because the chances are she's going to need you sooner, rather than later don't close the door into what maybe her only safe space in the future, you'll never forgive yourself if you do.

OP if you love her you must walk alongside her until she finds the bravery to be herself independent.
Keep your daughter close no matter her mistakes.
imagine what will happen when: if she has children.
Don’t worry about your relationship with him. Let him give you whatever silent treatment he likes. Tell him that you love him because he loves your daughter. Be unrelentingly sweet and kind to his face while biding your time. Never do anything where you are dependent on him and always make sure you have an eye to what you need in a future situation. Make sure your daughter knows you will support her no matter what, that may be the only way she escapes that walking horror.

@Degreenbeans you have been given excellent advice in how and why to keep the relationship going with your daughter. She is lucky to have a supportive and loving family.

The next big hurdle for you is to support your DH through this. I hope he and your daughter can agree to him making a speech (whose decision was it that he can't?)

The speech could be a vital message to the predatory abuser that you stand united as a family for your daughter and that his attempts to cut you off won't work...

"Lucy, you are our precious daughter and we cherish you more than you will ever realise. You have given us nothing but joy and we are so proud of the wonderful and kind adult that you have grown into. We are very proud of your loving and giving nature and equally proud that you have worked so hard to achieve all that you have, through your commitment and dedication to be successful. We are seeing in this new chapter of your life, together, as a family, united behind you to cheer you on to live a fulfilling and happy life. We know that you are the kind of person who will give everything and more. Even though you move on as a married woman, we will never close our door to you. Our key is your key and we will remain your steadfast support. You will always be our daughter and you will always be a part of our lives. It is with love that we wish you what your mother and I have worked hard to achieve: a bond built on kindness, tenderness and friendship, on love, unity and most importantly, on trust. Here's to the light of our lives..."

This. It was a completely reasonable and understandable request from OP and one that any normally functioning human being would instantly comply with.

Absolutely shocking that people on the thread are trying to make out OP is somehow culpable here.

Your job as a parent is to support your child, no matter if you approve of her choice or not . If she has made a bad choice, she may need you to support her in the future , if she hasn't, you may never see her or any future grandchildren.
As someone else said , suck it up and smile. We have been to weddings where a mother made her feelings of distaste very clear, it made for an uncomfortable day for everyone and is the only thing we talk about when their wedding is mentioned .
Be the bigger person and attend happily, you will always regret it if you don't.

Your job as a parent is to support your child, no matter if you approve of her choice or not . If she has made a bad choice, she may need you to support her in the future , if she hasn't, you may never see her or any future grandchildren.
As someone else said , suck it up and smile. We have been to weddings where a mother made her feelings of distaste very clear, it made for an uncomfortable day for everyone and is the only thing we talk about when their wedding is mentioned .
Be the bigger person and attend happily, you will always regret it if you don't.

OP I personally wouldn’t go to the wedding in the circumstances. Why would you go to the wedding after the way he’s treated you. The ‘groom’ is obviously trying to isolate your daughter and get his hands on her home and salary. Your son has told your daughter how he treated you, and your daughter doesn’t care! Tell your daughter you will always be there for her, then drop the rope.

Whether this marriage is a success or whether it is a disaster, your daughter will need you. A partner like that is unlikely to improve with time and your daughter needs to know that you're in her corner and that she can count on you.
Try to put your feelings aside and show up for her as she wants and needs you to and do not let this man come between you.

It's it really your job as a parent to support your adult child no matter what? Even if they become a drug addict? Even if they abuse their children (or stand by doing nothing while they're children are abused by the other parent)? Even if they abuse you?

I think there are reasonable boundaries beyond which a parent should say 'no more'. This specific situation that OP is in maybe doesn't qualify, but many other situations certainly do.

Read what I said about how it happened.

So he behaved like a pig towards you, your dh and your grown up son for a day culminating in your dh being pushed.

Why on earth didn't one of you and indeed your son call him put and square up to him. Had dd's bf done that to dh in a nasty way, he'd have found himself on the ground.

The three of you have given a potential abuser all the green lights he needs. This isn't about attending a wedding, this is about ensuring a potential abuser knows she has a permanent bolt hole and home and will be welcome there at all times. Also, that if he were to abuse her in any way, that there would be interventions by the family.

Put your daughter first.

But when Prince Charming clearly didn’t get the memo, there was nothing stopping the OP taking action. This whole guff about having to trail around meekly after him in case ‘taking over’ ‘humiliated’ him because he was the leader of the day out is just silly. Which is not to say that he is a nice man or that her daughter is making a good decision in marrying him, obviously.

You are a very good sister. ❤️

I did.

I married a wrong 'un and I was glad my parents came to the wedding, even though I knew they disapproved. I needed them when the marriage fell apart.

But you have a year before this wedding - all is not yet lost. My advice would be to get someone she trusts - an aunt? Family friend? - to sit her down and find out why she wants to marry this guy, or feels she has to. Why him? What's so special that she can't live without being his wife? Does he make her feel amazing? If not....!

I wish someone had done that for me. It would've meant me backing down but would've saved me a lot of grief in the long run.

So violently shoving an old sick man in the back, with sudden and extreme force, when he was perfectly capable of boarding the train under his own steam is fine in your opinion? That's odd.

Dear OP - sorry you are so upset about your daughter's forth coming wedding. Also sorry you DH's is so unwell.
I think you should go to the wedding.
Your DH may be too ill to go anyway and probably should not have gone to watch marathon
YOU should at least have taken a bottle of water with you.
Regarding the ''push''- perhaps the future SIL thought it was the only way to get your DH on the tram?

Tenner says it didn’t happen anything like as dramatically as you are making out.

If he has set out to cause a rift, for dog's sake don't help him achieve it

She really needs you.

Thanks for your message. It's really helpful.

To be honest we didn't realise how gruelling it would be for my husband or how much we were going to walk around because to start with we were only going to be walking a couple of miles between two points but then the bf changed the plan without telling us and we ended up walking a long way. We had taken water with us but we had drunk it all. What he didn't tell us was that he had a huge spare bottle of water which he could have given to us.

The push was really violent and there was no way that it was required because he was going to get on the tram anyway. I managed and I was standing next to him. It was just nasty.

But I take on board what you say and I appreciate it.

Yup you weren't there were you and I was. I don't care what you think. I know what happened and it was unacceptable. If you can't say anything helpful best you don't comment really. I've asked for help. Not criticism from somebody who hasn't got a clue

It’s a horrible situation and I don’t envy you your dilemma, but look at it this way: if you don’t go, and that results in a complete fracture of your relationship with DD, how do you suppose her new DH will feel? I suspect he would be delighted.

Keep your channels of communication with your DD open. It sounds like she is going to need you.

Yup you weren't there were you and I was. I don't care what you think. I know what happened and it was unacceptable. If you can't say anything helpful best you don't comment really. I've asked for help. Not criticism from somebody who hasn't got a clue

You need to go. Her self worth probably isn't great at the moment as she's marrying someone like that and staying away will only confirm to her he loves her and other people don't. Remember you will be going there for her, not him. You don't have to be overally happy and get too involved if you don't want to. How you feel is how you feel. You may want to tell your daughter how you feel in a calm way before the wedding, tell her you are concerned. If she is upset, that's ok. Don't pursue that further but tell her you will be there to support her. My opinion. She will then know she is loved by her family and by the sounds of things she will need that. It will give her the grounding to think properly and figure it out for herself, which Ive no doubt she will. Its no harm having domestic violence ads/material available in view and discussing it in general at some stage too, just in case this is happening. After the wedding if it's coming up soon. You can do this.