I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

So he moved into her house and she earns more than him, does he pay towards food and bills? I have often read on here that controlling people stop their victims from working to isolate them even further but I'm assuming he won't do that as he likes her high salary.

I would make a Claire’s law request to check as he seems controlling and unpleasant incase he has prior form and if that comes back clear I would make every effort to see your daughter and include her in family gatherings even if it means putting up with him because one day she may need you and you want her to be able to reach out for help.
Go to the wedding, put a smile on your face and just be there, you don’t have to make any speeches or declarations of how amazingly pleased you are.
People are getting side tracked by the marathon things, yes you should have taken water etc but I know if my MIL had been struggling in similar circumstances I would have gone out of my way to help, not ignore her then roughly shove her around….

Nothing wrong with being a mechanic, most people need them, and they are skilled jobs!

Honestly, you need to do this for your daughter's sake. Hopefully she'll see him for who he really is at some point, and she'll know that you were always there for her no matter what.

OP, go to the wedding, if only to be able to tell yourself that avenues of communication were kept open so that your daughter can turn to you.
Your husband is entitled and justified in not speaking to your daughter as she has decided to marry a man that assaulted him.

This thread shows that it is not only the the partner of an abuser who.suffers when they actively decide to hitch themselves to abusers/ return to them.
I suppose that those chiding the OP and her husband are thinking that at least their daughter's abusive partner has not murdered them and that they should be grateful.

Because that is another thing that women who want to.hitch themselves to losers ought to think about. Revenge scenarios against the family of origin when the abused finally cops on and dumps an abuser as yet another act of control.

This is why those women who always run into threads accusing women of being shallow/ hard work when their gut instincts are triggered by what the more casual would claim to be inocuous.... you all should shut the hell up and let the grown up non pickmes chat.
And thank Goddess that despite it all, Mumsnet still has a large amount of women who do not think that womanhood or motherhood is a continuum of sucking up shit in order to be considered a good woman or mother.

And that is why I cannot find it in me to chide the father of the OP's daughter. The daughter IS making an active choice, after all.

I think you have some weird ideas, OP. Maybe gendered ones? You keep referring to ‘not taking over’ and ‘not humiliating him’ on the day of the marathon, as if he was your host at some elaborate formal dinner and you didn’t want to embarrass him by saying your soup was cold. Or as though he was leading you on a dangerous expedition up the Amazon so you needed to follow his instruction for your own safety.

Saying ‘DH isn’t coping, so we’re going to go and find some food and take a rest and will meet you at X later on’ wouldn’t ‘humiliate’ anyone or be ‘taking over’. It would just be meeting your own needs instead of suffering in an increasingly resentful silence.

Which doesn’t make him a nice person, obviously. Only that you need to take some responsibility for the dynamic the day of the marathon.

She has three degrees, has a fantastic job, and he left school at 16 and fixes cars.

And there we have it. Too lower class for your little precious?

No just too abusive, controlling, and violent.

OP definitely has some strange ideas, and now this attitude has come out.

You hadn't mentioned he was violent, has she confided in you?

The accusation of ‘violence’ seems to come purely from the fiancé pushing her husband in the back to get him into a crowded tram on the day of the marathon.

@BuckChuckets I think she means the ‘hands on her husbands back’ as he was getting in a train or something. Dramatic much?

Please do a Clare's law request without delay. he sounds awful but also sounds like you went into martyr mode the day of the marathon. He knows you dislike him so be more assertive in future dealings with him especially in relation to your needs or those of your DH.
Id probably go to the wedding but avoid him

You need to attend the wedding. Keep all lines of communication with your daughter open to the best of your ability. He may be deliberately seeking to isolate her... don't let that happen.

I totally understand how awful it must be to see your daughter walking into a marriage with a horrible man, but you can't stop her from making that choice so you need to suck it up and ensure that you're there for her when she comes to her senses.

He sounds awful but you need to go and fake it for her sake.

Not going to the wedding will hurt you and her. It will not hurt him. She will not reconsider and by refusing to go or get involved you will help him paint you as the problem.

I wouldn't want to help this man and that’s truly what you’re doing.

I can see this in two ways I absolutely get why you dont want to attend but thats playing into her partners hands He would love to be consolling your daughter and saying that its only he who loves her if you dont go and further isolating her .Dont do what my Mother did though -go but sit with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp ruining every photo Choose to go or not go but whichever you do make sure your daughter knows you love her and she can always come to you no matter what

Take a smoke bomb to the wedding, thatll surely cancel it

You know what the groom and his side of the family will say if you dont go? They say you don't care about your daughter. That her side of the family is shit and this is the proof. That she should cut all contact with you because you dont deserve her etc etc.. Thats what abusers do. Isolate and shit stir. So she will end up even more vulnerable if you vote with your feet.

A lot can happen between now and next September. And, if she does marry him, they both need to know you will always be there.

Go along with all the wedding plans. Go to the wedding and be as joyful and cheerful as you possibly can be. She will probably need you in the not too distant future.

Oh god your husbnd would be expected to give a father of the bride speech

I want to suggest a book by Susan Brewster called ‘Helping Her Get Free’ - it’s specifically aimed at the family and friends of those in a controlling relationship and has good advice about how to deal with a situation that could be affecting you all for years.

DD is in love and determined to marry this man. You have told her your reservations about him and she still wants to marry him. What you need to do now is stay close to her. Help her have a wonderful wedding day, accept all invitations to spend time with her and with them as a couple (not him on his own, obviously). Be there at her side if and when the relationship falls apart.

He sounds awful and I can’t believe that your daughter wouldn’t know what he’s actually like. To treat their parents so badly would usually be a deal breaker for most women. Hopefully she will ditch him between now and September but if not, all you can do is show up to the wedding to support her. If her father makes a speech, leave any mention of the groom out of it. Leave early and your job is done. Your daughter will know you’re there for her when the going gets tough (if it’s not already).