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Original poster

I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

294 replies

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 08:43

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

OP posts:
JustSawJohnny · 09/11/2025 14:03

If you don't go she will never forgive you.

She is also likely to retreat and that is giving him exactly what he wants.

You need to let her know that you aren't going anywhere.

AsMyWhimsy · 09/11/2025 14:06

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 13:47

You weren't there so you can't possibly say what happened . I can because I was there and saw it. You don't face plant when you're closely packed in and surrounded by other adults. The people in front of him kept him upright. If they hadn't been there he would have fallen.

We didn't expect special treatment. We expected humane normal treatment from somebody we were welcoming into our family. The kind of treatment I had given him for the past 4 years. Not to be treated like two pieces of s*.

Yes, she is better educated than him. But I don't care about that so much as she's supporting him and will do so for the rest of her life and all he does is goes out, gets beered up, and watches the football. Nothing more. I'd like to see her marry a nice person, not a manipulative controlling moron.

I came on here asking for positive help not criticism of my own behaviour and ridiculous accusations that somehow it was all my fault . My son and husband were both there and they know what happened and it doesn't accord with your views. But of course you weren't there, were you?

Edited

So why not lead with the fact that he leeches off your daughter, that she is obliged to support his drinking and football watching etc rather than a rather bizarre anecdote about having to trot around after him while your daughter was running a marathon in case you ‘humiliated him’ by getting your ailing DH a drink and him pushing him onto a crowded tram? It seems like a completely bizarre set of priorities!

Poodlelove · 09/11/2025 14:10

I think if you don't go then you will regret it.
I would put on a brave face and go , don't say anything about her partner to her and just be polite.
Let her see that you are being polite and civil and not spoiling her special day.
One day she will see what he is truly like but she has to see this for herself sadly.

FlyingUnicornWings · 09/11/2025 14:15

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 13:37

Thanks. Haha I don't know why you think I did anything to cause him to behave like that! The night before I'd taken him out for dinner and I was due to take him on holiday with us two weeks later. I hadn't done anything except for exist.

I had accepted her decision and I was supporting her. But I can't accept me and my husband being treated like that.

Show quote history

Don’t punish your daughter because of his actions. She hasn’t done anything wrong.

Seedlings2o25 · 09/11/2025 14:17

Oh goodness, please dont step back from your daughter. She is going to need you. If not soon, at some point.
My ex husband isolated me for years and I stuck by him.
By that point, he had offended or chased off any friends or family I had...and when I pushed back he ended up manipulating a massive house move 100's of miles away
It took another good few years for me to grow enough to div0rce him
I spent years frightened yet defending him to family.
Is therr anyine else in the family that tou can involve so that they are also aware ?

WaryHiker · 09/11/2025 14:23

Maddy70 · 09/11/2025 13:24

It is not about you or your feelings. This is your daughter's decision and you need to accept this graciously and be a part of her life or lose her. What did you do to make him reactive and push your husband onto the train?

If he is controlling as you say , then you are giving him everything he wants.

GoTo the wedding, go to the dress fittings, try to be joyous for your daughter put your feelings aside

Seriously? This is like the old chestnut what did you do to make him hit you?

Climbingrosexx · 09/11/2025 14:29

I think I am going against the grain here but I personally don't think I would go. Not because you disapprove of who she is marrying, but because of the way he has treated and from what I gather physically assaulted you and your husband.
I would explain to her your reasons and whatever happens she can always come to you about anything at any time. Make it clear you are always there for her but cannot celebrate this marriage.
Hopefully it wont happen as it is nearly a year away

LeavesOnTrees · 09/11/2025 14:32

It sounds like she's marrying an abusive narcissist.
You should go to the wedding and let her know your door is always open for her if she wants to leave.

ACynicalDad · 09/11/2025 14:35

You must go and I'd suggest you think that you are positioning yourself to pick up the pieces if the relationship fails, which by the sound of it is a high possibility.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 09/11/2025 14:39

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 13:37

Thanks. Haha I don't know why you think I did anything to cause him to behave like that! The night before I'd taken him out for dinner and I was due to take him on holiday with us two weeks later. I hadn't done anything except for exist.

I had accepted her decision and I was supporting her. But I can't accept me and my husband being treated like that.

Show quote history

Ya, Pushing someone a bit older with both hands onto a train isn't acceptable. I would consider the controlling aspect tho. Isolating the victim and pushing the victims family away without making it obvious to the victim is a big thing in abusive relationships. He could be playing up any upset she has about ye/ your dislike of him and pulling her more towards him. If you don't think your daughter is in control of this situation, you and your husband will need to look like the calm/steady loving ones. Otherwise she will follow her soon to be husband instead. I would consider fighting this being pushed away feeling and keep it up. He could very well give up and leave himself! Ye are definitely stronger than him by the sound of things. Mightnt take long for him to give up if his tactics aren't working. That is If he is abusive. Chances are she's upset and confused at the moment. She probably knows ye don't like him already. Ye have to be the safe ones to turn to not him and that means seeing and acknowledging her feelings even if you don't like them

redjeans28 · 09/11/2025 14:42

MoodyMargaret11 · 09/11/2025 10:40

Typical Mumsnet- people picking apart OPs responses on why she hadn't brought water, downloaded a map, etc for the marathon...
WTH does ot matter??? The POINT is, dickhead deliberately ignored her, walked off, gave silent treatment and even assaulted her DH. The rest is irrelevant.

It's so tedious isn't it? One pathetic poster even insisted that the boyfriend didn't shove/push OPs husband onto the train, he was just helping him. It's unbelievable how far some people will go to excuse violent and controlling men.

redjeans28 · 09/11/2025 14:46

AsMyWhimsy · 09/11/2025 10:50

Have you never lived in a city with crowded trains or tubes? People shove on, and shove one another on to already bursting carriages all the time. In Tokyo, there are special train staff who push passengers into jammed carriages in rush hour, quite forcefully!

This wasn’t an ‘assault’.

Show quote history

Oh fucking hell 😅😆😂

This wins hands down for the biggest reach of all time on Mumsnet.

fishtank12345 · 09/11/2025 14:52

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 08:43

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

Go for her sake but do not remain quiet to her about how he treats you and that you are always there for her should he start his shit with her. Hard situation op.

fishtank12345 · 09/11/2025 14:55

Climbingrosexx · 09/11/2025 14:29

I think I am going against the grain here but I personally don't think I would go. Not because you disapprove of who she is marrying, but because of the way he has treated and from what I gather physically assaulted you and your husband.
I would explain to her your reasons and whatever happens she can always come to you about anything at any time. Make it clear you are always there for her but cannot celebrate this marriage.
Hopefully it wont happen as it is nearly a year away

this is good advice too. The making it clear you are always there for her bit is the most important.

TamarindCottage · 09/11/2025 15:08

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 11:13

Thanks. These replies have helped give me some clarity and I will start to think on them and plan further

Show quote history

For whenever your DD sees the light, have a locksmith on speed dial so that when (hopefully) the cowsun is booted out on his sad and sorry arse within the next ten months (🙏), you can arrange for the locks to be changed immediately, with all his belongings in black sacks on the pavement

Be prepared, OP

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 09/11/2025 15:08

fishtank12345 · 09/11/2025 14:55

this is good advice too. The making it clear you are always there for her bit is the most important.

Show quote history

This is good advice too and yes, making it clear you are always there for her and that you see and hear how she feels the moment (instead of how you want her to feel) is good too

Cucy · 09/11/2025 15:25

Climbingrosexx · 09/11/2025 14:29

I think I am going against the grain here but I personally don't think I would go. Not because you disapprove of who she is marrying, but because of the way he has treated and from what I gather physically assaulted you and your husband.
I would explain to her your reasons and whatever happens she can always come to you about anything at any time. Make it clear you are always there for her but cannot celebrate this marriage.
Hopefully it wont happen as it is nearly a year away

But then he wins.

The daughter will absolutely stop talking to OP and her DH and then he has succeeded in isolating DD from her family.

DD will always remember that her mum never bothered coming to her wedding and probably won’t ever forgive that (he will also remind her).

The ‘only person there for her’ will be him and she’ll be less likely to leave him in the future.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 09/11/2025 15:26

Apart from this marriage, the bond you both have with her mightnt be as strong as you think. It could be worth strengthening that and hearing where she's at

NewDogOwner · 09/11/2025 15:33

Lifebeganat50 · 09/11/2025 08:47

Whilst you may hate that your daughter is marrying this man, to not go to the wedding will fracture your relationship further.

She needs to know that your door and arms are always open-it sounds like she’s going to need them.

All this. She knows how you feel. You don't want her isolated with this man; if she feels that he is all she has, she won't be able to leave then she, hopefully, realises he is a bad man.

TeddySchnauzer · 09/11/2025 15:54

I don’t blame you OP, I wouldn’t go either. If you go, then that is you saying that you approve of her marrying this man….

redjeans28 · 09/11/2025 15:55

MrsPrendergast · 09/11/2025 13:45

What did the hospital say when you took your husband there? Did they ask how he received his injuries from the violent push?

Show quote history

Don't be a dick.

blueskies23 · 09/11/2025 15:55

Does she enjoy her house, her career, having a decent income? It might be worth taking the emotion out of it and warning her that all of this is at risk if she marries. Show her how much he can take. Ask her if she wants to have her child half of the week, whilst he stays in her house as the main caregiver? Ask her if she would be happy if her brother was marrying someone like her fiance?
Sometimes taking the emotion out of the equation and looking at the hard facts can lead to clarity. Would she go to a personal development course with you? A neutral opinion might help. It's so easy for him to say "your parents are (fill in the blank)", but a stranger might help to clarify boundaries. Also are there books and films that you could both read/watch that might help?

TeddySchnauzer · 09/11/2025 16:03

@gemmaandthegerbilsBut when your marriage inevitably falls apart and you finally see the light, I bet you anything he is there for you….

Original poster
Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 16:56

AsMyWhimsy · 09/11/2025 14:06

So why not lead with the fact that he leeches off your daughter, that she is obliged to support his drinking and football watching etc rather than a rather bizarre anecdote about having to trot around after him while your daughter was running a marathon in case you ‘humiliated him’ by getting your ailing DH a drink and him pushing him onto a crowded tram? It seems like a completely bizarre set of priorities!

Show quote history

Because I had accepted all that uselessness and sponging as she was happy and I had welcomed him warmly in the vein of 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. Then he did this. Which was appalling and something noone would tolerate.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 09/11/2025 17:12

First post nails it. She’s going to need you in the future.