I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

@PotatoesAreLife You sound like a wonderful Sister and that must be incredibly tough to watch x

Im going against the grain here but I wouldn’t go. I would te her I love her and I will always be there, but I can’t put myself through a day of fake smiling.
I would reiterate to her that she is always welcome back without him, and then close the door on it.

so wise, your sister probably doesn't even realise, at this moment, how fortunate she is to have such a powerful ally.🌼

Someone asked what he's like to her. He's controlling and manipulative. He's on the phone texting her all the time when she's not with him so she can't concentrate on being an independent person and enjoy herself either by herself or with others. He tells her one thing and does another. He repeatedly drips pearls of poison into her ears about her brothers and her friends, but so cleverly she doesn't notice it. Indeed, I've never heard him say anything nice about anyone.

It was for different reasons, but my Dad ( and therefore my Mum) refused to go to my wedding. I never forgave him and never spoke to him again.

Having said that, I really feel for you. I wouldn’t want to go either.

But I think I would. Based on my experience, I think you need to focus on how it will feel to your daughter. She will experience it as a huge rejection. She will feel you have ruined her wedding day and her memories of her wedding forever She will feel humiliated in front of all her guests. Having to explain to everyone that your own Mother and Father are not attending your wedding is awful, I wouldn’t want to not wish it on anyone. Having to sit at the top table with your parents very publicly absent. Then when you show photos to colleagues etc, they say ‘and where are the photos of your family?’ Having to explain, watching jaws drop open in horror. It’s fucking awful. Don’t expect her to forgive you for, as she will see it, for putting her through it. Especially with her H pouring poison in her ear.

Her life is going to be very hard with this man, especially once they have kids. Be clear you will always be there for her to talk to. I’d go to the wedding if I were you. At the moment, you will not win a battle between you and him. And you will lose if you try to fight the battle he is trying to create. Play the long game, however hard it is.

You can be very clear that you worry about the relationship and that because of the way he has behaved towards you and your husband you are worried about how he will treat her. But you can also tell her you will always support her and be there for her and that you love her unconditionally because as others have said that is what will allow her to come back to you if this relationship is abusive and when she is able to see that. Going to the wedding is putting your daughter's need for your support above your own needs but that's what we do as parents. Make your presence all about your love for her not about your celebration of the relationship. Not my DD but one of my best friends married a man who had been super disrespectful to me and behaved in quite a threatening way on a couple of occasions and I was very worried he was emotionally abusive towards my friend. I was clear with her I worried about their relationship but I would always support her, I came to the wedding, it meant a few years later when they separated because things got worse and she was able to see him for what he was I was able to be there for her. Last year I got to go her second wedding where she married the most beautiful man.

Sorry to say but you need to go there. She and especially HE need to know that you will always be there to support your daughter.

abusers often thrive on isolating their victims and when they have no one they then go on to destroy their confidence. So even if you don’t like him stay in the picture and always remain composed like you have been.

I can totally appreciate why you don’t want to go to the wedding but if her fiance is as awful as you say he is, she’s going to really need you one day. If you don’t go to the wedding, you’re playing directly into his hands because he wants her to alienate you all. You need to play a better game than he is and be there for your daughter.

I think you need to be there for your daughter.

He sounds awful but isolating your daughter from her family is probably what he wants. If you don't go he will hold that against you forever. Every time she might want to seek help from you, and escape this relationship, he will be there saying how you didn't care enough about her to even go to her wedding.

Be there for her. Not just for the wedding day but to also make sure you can be there, when she realises she's made a mistake, in the future.

It is such a difficult situation, something my auntie went through with her daughter. As much as you don't want to go, you should - even through gritted teeth. Manipulators like him will try their best to keep your daughter away from family and friends, it is important that she knows you're always there for her. Hopefully in the near future she will see him for what he is and leave.

Please go to the wedding. She needs your support even if you hate him.

You need to go to the wedding to support your dd. To show her that no matter what choices she makes in life that you will be there when she needs you.

My brother wife is a nightmare . Rude, selfish, argumentative, lazy and not a nice person . However mum and I went to his wedding, their marriage is a farce, they argue constantly, she throws him out, contacts the police if he wont leave etc , they now have their own houses but are still married. Weird set up but my mum wanted to show him that she would support him if and when it goes tit's up which it has on many occasions .

Not going will cause a bigger rift between you.

You arrange to see your dd as far as possible on your own. I would be stepping up my time with her.
Go to the wedding. You don’t need to be joyful but you need to be there for dd, and to keep her close. Hopefully he will do something awful that will land him in prison before the wedding. Stand back from this but close to her. It will be hard, but not impossible.

You have to go to the wedding, not to celebrate, but as a tactical manoeuvre to show her husband that you will always be there for ger.

If you don't go you will be giving him a gift of further isolating her by him being able to dwell on the fact you didn't come to the wedding.

One of you make a speech as parent if the bride and use it to go on and in about the unbreakable bond between parent and child and hiw much you love her and will always be there for ger in front of everyone.. get that message out in front of all his family and friends as well as your daughter's!

Exactly this.

It sounds like your DD is in an abusive relationship. I'm very sorry. She clearly is completely blinded by this man. She's let him be aggressive to her parents. She'll probably let him be aggressive to any future children. And she'll definitely let him be aggressive to herself.

It's tragic but you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

All that said, you can feel sad for your daughter but that doesn't mean that you yourself have to put up with the man. Personally, I wouldn't go to the wedding. I would straight out tell her why as well. Tell her that he's abusive and you can't celebrate her marrying him. Of course, add that your door is always open and you love her.

But obviously going that route will have consequences: you might lose contact with her going forwards. But I see it as a bit like dealing with an addict. If your DD was ruining her life with drugs you wouldn't go with her to the dealer or in any other way seem to support her choices. You would tell her you love her but that you can't support or celebrate her drug habit.

Edited to add: I'm clearly in the minority though. It's a very difficult situation. Is there maybe somewhere you can turn to for more professional, informed advice? Maybe call women's aid or speak to a family counsellor?

OP, having made clear that you think your DD is making a terrible mistake, you need to be there for her so that she knows you always will be. To be absent on her wedding day due to her manipulative partner would be the ultimate triumph for him. Just don’t let him have the upper hand - your daughter is always your daughter, whereas (it is to be hoped) this man may not always be her husband. Don’t let him estrange you from your DD, because that is his aim.

Be the bigger man, she will resent you otherwise, my OH had a falling out with my mum 9 years ago and they haven’t really spoken since (been civil if they bump into each other) but avoid each other like the plague otherwise and it puts a strain on both my relationship with OH and mum.

My mum always said she wished my grandparents had been less 'it's your life' and put their foot down about her wedding to a horrible man rather than go along with it.

I wouldn't go. But I would make it really clear to your daughter that if (and when) this relationship goes tits up, she can come back at any time and you will be there for her. It will be painful, it may take years but it will most likely happen.

What exactly did he do to disrespect and mistreat you and her father over a whole day when your daughter was not there. What else has he done to you physically or mentally, it may help in the decision to attend or not. I’m sorry this is happening to you

Pray she sees what he is before the wedding. September is a long way off.

Shes your daughter. One day she'll wake up. Until then you must be there for her every step of the way

Don't leave her to deal with this man alone

We haven't seen him since his disgusting behaviour six months ago. I have been trying very hard since then to build bridges with her because I do still want a relationship with her. Whilst I don't want to see him I would do so for her sake at a push, but my husband absolutely refuses to see him or have him in our house. We just try to see her by herself. We know this puts her under strain but I don't see what else we can do. It's really sad.

Did you call the police when he assaulted your dh? I think I would report him.

I dont blame you for not wanting to go. But go you must. Unless you are prepared for a future without a relationship with your DD.