I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

I'm going against the grain here. I cannot stand my dad's wife and she hates me. She's made it clear since day 1. So I didn't go to their wedding. I have no regrets. My dad does still speak to me so no real loss but I just couldn't do it. May be different as it's the other way round for you...

I was in the same position as your daughter. I was with a man who was physically and mentally abusive. I would cover for him and minimise what he did in front of my parents. My parents were so upset and worried that I was with this man but they were always there for me and definitely would have come to our wedding if we had had one. Thankfully after 5 years with this man, I found the strength to leave and who did I run to? My mum. I moved in with her until I got back on my feet. Knowing my parents were there for me is one of the things that gave me the strength to leave him. I’m now happily married to a wonderful man and we are very close to my parents. Your daughter needs to know you are there for her no matter what and that she can always rely on you, so she never feels alone or helpless.

Unacceptable but you chose not to do or say anything. OK sure. I’m out of this hyperbolically ridiculous thread ✌️

You are not the first parent to go to a child's wedding with huge reservations.

Look at it like this - if it all goes pear-shaped she is going to need you. Make all your decisions around that premise and do whatever makes that possible.

What a childish and unhelpful response. You clearly don't believe OP so report the thread if you don't think it is genuine.

I don’t think anyone’s suggesting he wasn’t physically capable of boarding, only that sometimes people hover about indecisively outside crowded tube carriages if they’re not used to crowded public transport, thinking they’ll wait for the next one, not realising it will be similarly busy for the foreseeable future. (My rural parents did this when I lived in London.) You’d already got on, and Prince Charming probably didn’t want the doors to close and you to be carried off while your DH was left on the platform, especially if mobile coverage was crap because of the crowds.

It is not about you or your feelings. This is your daughter's decision and you need to accept this graciously and be a part of her life or lose her. What did you do to make him reactive and push your husband onto the train?

If he is controlling as you say , then you are giving him everything he wants.

GoTo the wedding, go to the dress fittings, try to be joyous for your daughter put your feelings aside

The wedding is neary 10 months away, anything can happen between now and then. Your DD hasn't signed the wedding certificate yet....
Stick by your DD and encourage others in the family too as well. She needs you all to be there for her, supporting her, not criticising her fiancé but making it clear to him that her family is sticking by her. (You may need to make it clear to your DD that you whilst you don't get on with her fiancé, you will always be there for her)
Keep notes of his behaviour towards her/you/ the switching of his behaviour when your DD is or isn't there.
There is something you can do with the police - think it might be a Claire's law request where you can check about somebody's history with possible DV etc. you may also (with notes) be able to file a report with the police about his behaviour towards your DD. Flag the address etc....
I've been in an abusive relationship. My mum was my absolute lifeline. I've been desperate for marriage and children. I can totally understand the situation your DD has found herself in.
I escaped the abusive relationship, I went on to marry someone else and have 2 gorgeous children.

One day not too far away your daughter will desperately need your help OP, so I think you have to swallow your anger and be there for her for this wedding. She is going to need all the support she can get when it goes pear-shaped further down the line.

Thanks. Haha I don't know why you think I did anything to cause him to behave like that! The night before I'd taken him out for dinner and I was due to take him on holiday with us two weeks later. I hadn't done anything except for exist.

I had accepted her decision and I was supporting her. But I can't accept me and my husband being treated like that.

What a lot of us aren’t getting is why you believe popping off and getting a drink/having a rest/generally sorting yourself (all perfectly normal behaviour) out would be ‘humiliating’ him.

He sounds like a pillock, but - as you can see from the responses you’re getting - your expectations around the ‘organiser’ are not in sync with most people’s.

OP he is likely to be the father of your grandchildren as well as your son in law.

It's perfectly OK to feel as you do, but never give him or your DD a hint of it. Smile, fake it until you make it, and never give him any ammunition against you. His plan will be to isolate her - don't make it easier for him.

He will hate you for it, if that makes it any easier to do.

I'm sure it was horrible and he's awful

But this isn't about you or your husband

This is about you protecting your daughter. Being there , ready, for when she finds the courage to face up to who he is

A lot of people can see it from my point of view. It's just you don't. I was trying to be respectful towards him and as he'd never organised anything before, I didn't want to interfere and make him feel like crap. There were thousands of people there and it was very difficult to see that if we split up we would find one another again. Particularly as the mobiles weren't getting signal and as he was so unclear about where he was meeting our daughter at the end. He wouldn't tell us. If he had, we would have gone to the end under our own steam and at our own pace. But as he was meant to have organised where we were meeting up with our daughter during the marathon and at the end and wouldn't share that information as he hardly spoke to us it was impossible. We were all travelling back together as well.

Did you say anything to him, like ‘don’t push my dh so aggressively!’ Basically are you meek and mild around him or do you let him know you won’t tolerate bad behaviour? If not why not?

What did the hospital say when you took your husband there? Did they ask how he received his injuries from the violent push?

Agree with all of this! Ultimately, we only get one side of the story from posters, and there's so many little drip drips about what kind of person the OP is. I'm not saying the bloke isn't vile and abusive, but it seems a very different picture from the original post.

This wedding may or may not happen.
Whether the marriage will last is uncertain as well.

The only that that’s certain is how much you love your DD.

Which is why I would strongly suggest that you attend the gown fitting, buy a MOB outfit, get ready together and (obviously) also attend the wedding! Don’t let this man destroy your mother-daughter relationship.

You weren't there so you can't possibly say what happened . I can because I was there and saw it. You don't face plant when you're closely packed in and surrounded by other adults. The people in front of him kept him upright. If they hadn't been there he would have fallen.

We didn't expect special treatment. We expected humane normal treatment from somebody we were welcoming into our family. The kind of treatment I had given him for the past 4 years. Not to be treated like two pieces of s*.

Yes, she is better educated than him. But I don't care about that so much as she's supporting him and will do so for the rest of her life and all he does is goes out, gets beard up and watches the football. Nothing more. I'd like to see her marry a nice person, not a manipulative controlling moron.

I came on here asking for positive help not criticism of my own behaviour. My son and husband were both there and they know what happened? And it doesn't record with your views. But of course you weren't there, were you?

It’s not just me, though, OP. This is my first comment and multiple people have already told you something similar. Going off and sorting yourself out is in no way disrespectful, it doesn’t humiliate anyone and it isn’t a big deal. You shoot them a text, they see it when they see it, people meet up afterwards. None of that is a big deal.

If you don’t want to hear that, then that’s fine. It doesn’t change the fact that he sounds terrible or that he shouldn’t have shoved your husband, but I’d have found your behaviour during the marathon pretty baffling.

You weren't there so you can't possibly say what happened . I can because I was there and saw it. You don't face plant when you're closely packed in and surrounded by other adults. The people in front of him kept him upright. If they hadn't been there he would have fallen.

We didn't expect special treatment. We expected humane normal treatment from somebody we were welcoming into our family. The kind of treatment I had given him for the past 4 years. Not to be treated like two pieces of s*.

Yes, she is better educated than him. But I don't care about that so much as she's supporting him and will do so for the rest of her life and all he does is goes out, gets beered up, and watches the football. Nothing more. I'd like to see her marry a nice person, not a manipulative controlling moron.

I came on here asking for positive help not criticism of my own behaviour and ridiculous accusations that somehow it was all my fault . My son and husband were both there and they know what happened and it doesn't accord with your views. But of course you weren't there, were you?

Playing devils advocate -

I still do not understand why it was his responsibility to get your DH a drink.

I understand he was in charge of organising things but you saw DH feeling unwell so I would have told him to stay put and then gone and got him a drink.

If he was still unwell I would have taken him into a cafe and spent the rest of the day in there until he felt well enough to go home.

None of my decision making would have involved the bf and there’s no way I’d be ‘running after him’.

Him shoving onto the tram is awful but as you say your DH is elderly and fragile and so he may not have meant to shove him.

I’m not dismissing your experiences but none of these things would make me not be involved with my daughter and her wedding day.

You are going to push your daughter away.
You may not like him but she loves him and you have to bite your tongue and pretend to like him if you want to have a relationship with her.

Because he was meant to be organising the day and one of the first things we were meant to be doing was going for breakfast. And he knew we didn't know where we were, we couldn't access a map of the event, and he was meant to be organising the day

I did get him a drink - from someone's garden tap as we passed by.

She's in an abusive relationship op and he's treated you both this way on purpose to try and drive a wedge between you to isolate you. He's probably filling her head with god knows what behind the scenes and gaslighting her.

What I would do is sit down with her individually when he's not there and tell her that you are really, seriously scared for you because you can see that he's abusive and tell her you're begging her not to marry him and that she shouldn't worry about money or other peoples opinions if she does want to cancel, but at the same time if she decides that she's going to forge ahead you will be in her corner 100% no matter what and if it ever, ever gets to the point where she needs to get away from him then she comes to you and you will always be so glad to see her. Tell her that you're not going to make a deal of this any more because you don't want to make life difficult for her and you'll be there for her, but now you've said your piece because you love her and you want to make sure she knows you'll be there if it goes tits up. And then you put your best foot forward, you grin and bear it, you just watch and wait for the scales to fall away and be ready. It's extremely hard op but if you don't go you'll ruin your relationship with her and she may not be able to go to to when she needs you most. You can ring the dv helpline for support because it's hard supporting someone you love in the midst of this.