Page 12 | I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

Degreenbeans · 2025-11-09T08:43:56+00:00

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake. This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her. She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done. Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do. I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings. It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

FlyingUnicornWings · 09/11/2025 17:13

Degreenbeans · 09/11/2025 16:56

Because I had accepted all that uselessness and sponging as she was happy and I had welcomed him warmly in the vein of 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. Then he did this. Which was appalling and something noone would tolerate.

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I said this upthread, but not going to the wedding only punishes your daughter, and she hasn’t done anything wrong.

Gently, are you expecting your daughter to break up with him because of what happened at the marathon? Are you wanting her to confront him? Ask him to apologise? What is the best possible resolution to this for you?

ScreamingBeans · 09/11/2025 17:16

It's always so interesting to see how many people are really invested in minimising abuse.

What have they got to gain from it?

Anyway OP, I think you have to go to the wedding to support your daughter so that she knows she has the support she needs to end this relationship once she's ready to do so. Hope it's sooner rather than later.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/11/2025 17:24

Is this your daughter’s first major relationship?

He sounds very much like my ex. It took me 9 years to get rid of him, thankfully I didn’t marry him although we were engaged.

TamarindCottage · 09/11/2025 17:25

TeddySchnauzer · 09/11/2025 15:54

I don’t blame you OP, I wouldn’t go either. If you go, then that is you saying that you approve of her marrying this man….

Disagree! Not going to the wedding will kill any relationship the Bride to be and her parents stone dead. Keeping the door open and being outwardly supportive and non-critical will stop the cowsun from alienating the bride to be even further

BestieNo1 · 09/11/2025 18:28

one thing you can do is get her alone and get a solicitor to draw up a pre nuptial and get him to sign it. When he doesn’t agree and kicks off you need to be there BEFORE the wedding and he gets 50% and she has kids with him.
can you find another suitor to whisk her away quick?
or pay a PI to dig up his awful past, find out about girlfriends?
send her to therapy?
speak to her best friends to help?
You have a year to get her out of the shit.
insist on visiting her each week so that he shows who he really is. He won’t be able to keep this pretence up for that long.

Climbingrosexx · 09/11/2025 19:06

Cucy · 09/11/2025 15:25

But then he wins.

The daughter will absolutely stop talking to OP and her DH and then he has succeeded in isolating DD from her family.

DD will always remember that her mum never bothered coming to her wedding and probably won’t ever forgive that (he will also remind her).

The ‘only person there for her’ will be him and she’ll be less likely to leave him in the future.

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Or the mum sets an example that this is not acceptable and will not be tolerated.

The day will involve so much more than just going to the wedding.
Personally I would have to be sending out a clear message that for my childs sake I cannot be seen to support this marriage but will always, no matter what, be there to support her.

OP will make her own choices in the end, she knows her daughter better than anyone. Like I said hopefully it wont even happen but OP has to be prepared and make some very difficult choices

NorthXNorthWest · 09/11/2025 19:21

5128gap · 09/11/2025 10:32

I've no idea. But as he's not the person the OP is worried about marrying her daughter its irrelevant. Why would you want to divert attention from the boyfriends appalling behaviour by looking for a way to blame the son?

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There are more holes in this story than in fishnet stockings.

Busybeemumm · 09/11/2025 22:05

AsMyWhimsy · 09/11/2025 11:04

Apart from the fact that there’s no evidence at all, he’s a ‘domestic abuser’. He shoved the OP’s husband onto a crowded tram. There’s no evidence whatsoever he’s physically or psychologically abusive to the OP’s daughter.

He’s just a dreadful person and cocklodger.

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OP-We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded
As I'm sure you are aware that a classic red flag for DV perpetrator is isolating the victim from family and friends. I was not referring to the shove on the train as this is relatively minor in comparison.

Peachy66 · 10/11/2025 08:18

I do not know if anyone else has suggested you do a Clare's Law against him, if any previous partners have reported him in the past it might show up. At least this way if anything was to flag up and it was serious the police would speak to your daughter discreetly of their findings.

Anyone can apply for a disclosure using Clare's Law including someone worried about their own relationship, or even someone else's to find out if they are a risk of domestic abuse. Good luck.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 10/11/2025 15:10

Peachy66 · 10/11/2025 08:18

I do not know if anyone else has suggested you do a Clare's Law against him, if any previous partners have reported him in the past it might show up. At least this way if anything was to flag up and it was serious the police would speak to your daughter discreetly of their findings.

Anyone can apply for a disclosure using Clare's Law including someone worried about their own relationship, or even someone else's to find out if they are a risk of domestic abuse. Good luck.

100% do this

Minnie798 · 10/11/2025 15:43

So the fact that he left school at 16 and 'fixes cars' is a really unnecessary comment , you'll lose support saying things like that. Not just on this thread but in 'real life' .
Aside from the fact that a motor technician is highly skilled ( have you seen cars these days), his job is not the issue. His behaviour is.
I think you should attend the pre- wedding stuff and the wedding. If his aim is to isolate her from her family/ friends, don't help him achieve it.
Two can play the game of being nice as pie in the presence of your daughter and not so much when she isn't there.
At any future event like the marathon, just go and do your own thing if he walks away from you again.

Original poster

Degreenbeans · 10/11/2025 18:41

Minnie798 · 10/11/2025 15:43

So the fact that he left school at 16 and 'fixes cars' is a really unnecessary comment , you'll lose support saying things like that. Not just on this thread but in 'real life' .
Aside from the fact that a motor technician is highly skilled ( have you seen cars these days), his job is not the issue. His behaviour is.
I think you should attend the pre- wedding stuff and the wedding. If his aim is to isolate her from her family/ friends, don't help him achieve it.
Two can play the game of being nice as pie in the presence of your daughter and not so much when she isn't there.
At any future event like the marathon, just go and do your own thing if he walks away from you again.

No his job is not the issue and I didn't mean to imply it was, although I can see that could be inferred. What I was trying to say is that he is not anywhere near as highly skilled or educated as my daughter who finished her education at 27 and he sponges off her as she earns three times as much as him in a highly technical job. He lives in her house, drives her car, and she totally subsidises him and he smirks about it and it drives me wild. And I hate to see her taken advantage of. But yes it's his awful behaviour that is the issue. I note your comment about playing him at his own game, I never thought of doing that as I'm not that type of person, but I can see the attraction of doing that so I shall practice this.

OP posts:

LeavesOnTrees · 10/11/2025 21:58

You should do some research on narcissism (loads of info online).
You need to understand what you are dealing with.
It would probably be best if you can try to see him as little as possible and spend as much time as you can alone with your DD. He won't like this though and will attempt to sabbotage it.
Hang in there.
Stay normal and be there to listen to your DD. Be the sanity in contrast to the craziness she'll be experiencing in her relationship.

Original poster

Degreenbeans · 11/11/2025 05:46

LeavesOnTrees · 10/11/2025 21:58

You should do some research on narcissism (loads of info online).
You need to understand what you are dealing with.
It would probably be best if you can try to see him as little as possible and spend as much time as you can alone with your DD. He won't like this though and will attempt to sabbotage it.
Hang in there.
Stay normal and be there to listen to your DD. Be the sanity in contrast to the craziness she'll be experiencing in her relationship.

Yes great advice thanks. I've already identified him as a narcissist and as you say there is loads online about this. He's definitely one. I don't see him now, he has liost the right to access me out my husband as he used to. DD comes to see us without him and that suits us fine. My husband won't have him in the house after the assault and general disgusting behaviour we were subjected to. There will no doubt bee times when we have to see him in the future, for example on the wedding day. I fell so sorry for her.

OP posts:

BestieNo1 · 27/11/2025 22:58

Aw have you got anywhere with your daughter? Xx

Original poster

Degreenbeans · 28/11/2025 07:08

C

OP posts:

Original poster

Degreenbeans · 28/11/2025 07:10

I'm just trying to regain some closeness with her which had been lost after his horrible behaviour because she had blamed my husband and I for not accepting it rather than him for causing it. I'm hanging on in there xx

OP posts:

Nessiesfoodprovider · 05/12/2025 20:42

Degreenbeans · 10/11/2025 18:41

No his job is not the issue and I didn't mean to imply it was, although I can see that could be inferred. What I was trying to say is that he is not anywhere near as highly skilled or educated as my daughter who finished her education at 27 and he sponges off her as she earns three times as much as him in a highly technical job. He lives in her house, drives her car, and she totally subsidises him and he smirks about it and it drives me wild. And I hate to see her taken advantage of. But yes it's his awful behaviour that is the issue. I note your comment about playing him at his own game, I never thought of doing that as I'm not that type of person, but I can see the attraction of doing that so I shall practice this.

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I'm thinking that your daughter is in a relationship with the younger version of an idiot I ended up in a relationship with when I was in my 20s. He was a user and abuser, and vile. He love bombed me at first and then wore my self esteem and confidence away. My parents didn't want anything to do with him. It made it all the more difficult to tell them when I was trying to get out of the relationship.
Stay close to your daughter and grit your teeth but do what is needed for her on the day. She will likely need you one day if she sees the light.

JCor5678 · 27/02/2026 15:51

You should go. This marriage will not last and she is getting herself into a very bad situation. If you go, she will know that you will be there for her when she needs you. She will very much need you because it seems certain that he will abuse her. Going to the wedding lets her know that you love her even though you do not agree with her decision.