I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

But not as telling as the fact that
she earns three times more than him,
pays for everything
and he's moved into the house she owns (and will get 50 % of after marriage).. or that he's nice as pie when the DD is there but ignores them when she isn't.

I know that some posters are picking over the details of what happened on that awful day OP but kindly - that's not the issue. The issue is that your DD is involved with an unkind abusive partner who will isolate her at every opportunity.
There's some great advice on here about not allowing her to become alienated from you
Why not use this thread to work out how you can manage to support her at her wedding despite your reservations? Because that's the issue - not the history of who did what in the past. Trust your instincts that he's bad news but work out how to retain a relationship with her so that when it eventually collapses, she'll feel able to turn to you without the fear of you saying "we told you so"

It will need reserves of self control and wisdom on your part. How could you manage this?

It's odd. No one "makes" another adult walk ten miles. Has your lack of agency rubbed off on your daughter? He sounds vile I am not disputing that but your reaction adult to adult is very weird.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think you're right, she knows.

You've given me how she will eventually realise.

It's very hard to watch.

Why is your husband wanting to wash his hands of his little girl because he doesn’t like/is worried (?) about her choice of partner? I’m sorry but that’s awful. Your poor daughter.

OP, don't worry about keeping on responding to the posters who want to pick your behaviour on that day apart. It's not what the thread is about so don't let them derail it. It's clear your daughter's fiance is a dick whatever the facts of that day were so ignore those posters, they're not helping and they'll have you answering stupid little questions all day.

So helpful!

Thanks. These replies have helped give me some clarity and I will start to think on them and plan further

Its not awful. Its circumstances. I believe from what i read he would be first to help if she asks for it, but its hard to look how she is wasting her life and take the abuse from this person.

No it's not weird because when I asked her about him in the past she cut me off for 3 months and it was so painful I would have done anything not to be in that situation again so I was trying to just get on with him.

My sister has a toxic partner and as I expected, she’s slowly disconnecting from family. It is part of the pattern. I certainly couldn’t go to her wedding if she married him.

its a bit different for a parent. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, you’ll need to go but you can always chat to her first and say you really are concerned by his behaviour and how he treats her, and that if she ever wants to walk away you’ll help her, no questions asked, but will be there on the day if she decides to go through with it. I’d tell her that marriage magnifies issues in partners and in the relationship, and she needs to be really sure she can trust him. He’s physically assaulted her dad already and she needs to be aware of the choice she’s making. You and your dh can then keep distance from him in any situations- don’t agree to be alone with him.

OK, I think we’re getting closer to the real crux of things here. No one is suggesting he’s not a dreadful human being, OP, but it’s now clear you meekly trotted along with him throughout a marathon day despite your DH needing to be taken off for food, drink and a rest because you’re afraid of your daughter dropping contact with you again because of any criticism of her fiancé.

I understand your pain, truly, but why are you now co spidering not going to the wedding? No one is disputing his awfulness, but these are also your daughter’s choices, however misguided.

Practically everyone has told you now. You need to go to be there for your daughter. However, you need to accept that she has chosen this man - over you, since you’ve already told her how you feel about him.

Just let her know, you love her and your door will always be open to her whatever time of day or night.

Then you just play happy families until she will eventually see the light.

Don't let him win , stick with your daughter she will need you one day x
if you continue to point out the obvious control issues he has over her she will eventually isolate from you and thats exactly what he wants , make it your lifes work to always be there for her and build a better relationship together for your bond to continue but to also really annoy him x its a tough one but shes worth it im sure , she will learn one day and she has to have you in her life to run to x goodluck x

It's really worth talking this through with parents who have been in this situation. Because you're going to have to behave in ways that run counter to your real feelings - and that's bloody hard.

Things like trying to see her when he's not there but knowing that at times he'll be there. How can you manage to be "polite" so he can't call your behaviour out yet self protecting so he can't wind you up? It's so hard to manage our reactions under pressure but the bigger prize is to keep your DD's trust.

Hard disagree. He’s turning his back on her when she needs him the most.

Thankyou. I'd never posted before so didn't know how this works!

You not going will not stop her marrying this man - it will just drive a deeper wedge between you.
It’s your job to show unconditional love and to pick up the pieces if and when it goes wrong.

I'm not the easiest by not trying to take over and humiliate him and by just going along with him and trying to make things work? I don't think so.

'Don't let him win , stick with your daughter she will need you one day'

This. Grin and bear it op or you'll lose her. You don't have to like him, just pretend and see her on her own.

This. I agree that he sounds like a not very nice person, but just from what you say happened at the marathon, I don't understand why you don't want to go to the wedding.

Why didn't you bring food and drink for your husband? It sounds like you were ill-prepared and he was annoyed at you. He was very wrong for acting the way he did, but I'd be (secretly) annoyed if my in-laws weren't prepared and expected me to sort it.

You could have downloaded the app, you could have found water on a marathon route and you could have just done your own thing and met up with them at a later point. You have a phone I assume?

he sounds like a bit of a knob but you equally sound deliberately difficult.

Thankyou. Funnily enough I did do that, welcomed him with open arms, treated him like a son. My husband hated it but I overruled him. And then he did this and I couldn't keep up the pretence any longer.

You really need to suck this up. This will forever damage your relationship forever if you don't go. The dress fitting the outfit the getting ready together these are non-negotiable. My mother is a very difficult selfish woman and she didn't come to my wedding because she said she might be ill. My wonderful husband prepped everybody and told them not to ask my son walk me down the aisle and we still have a relationship but she's incredibly lucky that I am forgiving because it was a downright nasty thing to do. I don't really care what your reasons are please suck it up. Your daughter is going to need you more not less.

Oh you poor thing. It must be agonising for you and your DH to watch this.

Please try to do what you can to stay in some relationship with her; she’s going to need you sooner or later. The general advice to friends and family of those we see being controlled and abused is to try to keep in touch with them, not to openly express judgement, and be there when things inevitably get messy and nasty.