I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

He’s a dick, that’s established.

However, why didn’t you or your son download the app, find the route, go to the shop (Google Maps shows you where shops are) and tell Dickhead ‘we’re doing this because MrOP needs a rest. We’ll see you at the finish’?

This ☝️☝️

Put a brave face on and make sure she knows your door is always open. My ex did isolate me from everyone I loved and then made my life hell when I had nowhere to go and no one to confide in.

Watch Rowan Atkinson’s Father of the Bride Speech and go to the wedding. Just button up and go. You won’t be the first or the last parent to wish their offspring was marrying someone else.

Just go.

You need to stop making this about you and your feelings for the sake of your daughter. She’s going to need you at some point.

Go to the wedding.
Keep a relationship with her and him as much as you have to.
You are helping him isolate her which is what he wants.
Don’t ban him from the house.
You don’t have to be his best friend just be civil and don’t give him any reason to keep her away from you.

But you were presumably in an urban area with other people around if you were there because your daughter was running a marathon. It would have been perfectly possible to say find your own way to a bottle of water and some food, and tell the boyfriend you’d catch up with him in a bit after your DH had a rest.

And ‘shoving him onto a train’ sounds less like an assault than as if he thought he was helping, if the train was crowded, and you were trying to board.

Don’t get me wrong — the man is clearly a prick. But you’re making yourself sound exaggeratedly helpless in some slightly peculiar ways, which makes me wonder.

ETA And go to the wedding, obviously, regardless of whether he’s the devil incarnate or just a not very nice man who doesn’t like you.

The marathon day was not well planned, it sounds like your daughter's partner was keen to keep moving and watching your daughter. He had no interest in you being there.

The crowded streets don't sound conducive to discussing what to do at length. Perhaps when he moved off he was in search of what you needed but ultimately he was there to support your daughter in the marathon not organise your viewing of her. What age is your son that couldn't work his phone and find your location and where to get lunch?

With your husband's poor health, he should have stayed home, you and your son may have managed. Would you have preferred he left your ill husband on the street without you all, rather than shoved him into a packed tram? It sounds like a chaotic moment with the crowds but perhaps this isn't how it played out.

Just looking at the events from your daughter's partners point of view. There are two sides to this story.

The marathon day was not about you, it was for your daughter and her wedding day is similar, not about you. Her future husband may not be the nicest person but don't ruin her wedding over your dislike of him.

Obviously you can't possibly know our situation accurately or my character. I am certainly not a pushover at all. But when somebody is meant to be organising a day out for me I don't go along and take over. When I ask for help, something he will know I never normally do, I expect an appropriate response which is I get help. By the time I realised he wasn't going to help us, we were miles from the finish. Absolutely miles. Perhaps I was wrong in trusting he would do his best for us.

The reason we didn't have food and drink with us is because we had come back from a long holiday the late the night before and we had to leave early that morning so it's easy to criticise us for not having done things but that was the reason why.

it seems to me like you’re not the easiest from the scenario you provided. He’s probably fed up of you and really doesn’t like you.
it may also be true that he’s a horrible man on top of that and she shouldn’t marry him, but I don’t think everything is always his fault

I think this is how I would feel. So sorry that this has happened.

I've no idea. But as he's not the person the OP is worried about marrying her daughter its irrelevant. Why would you want to divert attention from the boyfriends appalling behaviour by looking for a way to blame the son?

I agree with both the posters saying go and those saying don’t; there’s an argument for both. However if it was me I would go. If he is controlling and manipulative he is probably hoping you don’t go so he can turn round to your daughter and say look they didn’t come, they never liked me, they never wanted us to work etc. By being there, even if not approving, you are sending a message to him that you will never be pushed away and he will not be able to isolate your daughter from you.

If she'd done all of that, would it somehow make him less of a dick? Because the thread is about how to deal with a daughter marrying a controlling and violent man. Not an invitation to lecture the OP on how she could better manage her life.

Do not allow him to cause this rift, I know it’s incredibly hard, but hold your head high and go to the wedding.
Be there to catch her when she falls.
Good luck.

I cannot believe that in the run up to her wedding you want her to go to counselling with you.. because you hate her husband.
The more you criticise and try to get her to see him as he is the more she will defend him and it pushes them into an isolated unit. Them against the world. This is exactly what you don’t want.
Hard as it is -push your feelings aside, be there for her on her big day , let her enjoy her wedding , do thr makeup and hair thing together.
If he is an abusive man then knowing that her parents are always there for her, and support her will make it so much easier for her to leave. Otherwise she’ll stay in the toxic relationship to prove a point or out of shame.

Suck it all up and be your daughters biggest supporter for when she eventually sees him for who he is, you cant make her see it though, stay close, stay quiet, it will happen.

Tough spot to be in

This ⬆️

Be there for her and be ready when the shit hits the fan of her relationship. Thank god your son witnessed the shove - she does believe you but is wilfully ignoring the behaviour of her cowson of a partner just to be married. Hopefully she sees sense before the wedding day

This! I would not go to the wedding once I knew the man was controlling and violent.

I would make it clear to my daughter that I can not bear to watch her marrying someone who has proved himself a bully.

However I would offer to met her regularly for coffee etc but no man who pushed my husband and abused me would ever be welcome in our home.

She is an adult and needs to accept responsibility for her choices snd cant be allowed to force her family to pretend they’re not scared for her.

When I read your first post OP.. My knee jerk reaction was don't go. But having seen the arguments for going.. I have to say I think you should.

I think @Rosscameasdoody suggested putting protective measures in place, not only for your DD but for yourself... probably a power of attorney for you and DH for your Son to manage.

And as several pps said.. go to the dress fittings and just let her talk.. The suggestion of asking an organisation like women's aid for advice, is also good. Do you know any of your DD's friends?

This must be such a worry for you. But a lot could happen in a year maybe his mask will start to slip somewhat.

Please go to her wedding for her sake. My ex husband also isolated me from my family. Unfortunately in my case it worked and my mum wasn’t around for me, she distanced herself. Since leaving him we have rebuilt our relationship to some extent but ours never going to be the same.

So I don’t think you can go and do wedding shopping and dress fittings together and then say you don’t want to have make up done together on the day because you don’t approve of the wedding.

You’re either in or you’re out. You have to choose and set a boundary.

I would have a really honest conversation with her about your feelings and how you can’t support the wedding. I’d encourage her brother and friends to do the same.

Sometimes people need to know there is an easy out to be able to let go of a dream that isn’t working out. Let her know you’re there for her. You can help her cancel things. You can help her financially, etc.

This is excellent advice. Go for the sake of your daughter. Don't let her fiance (aka piece of shit) isolate her further. Make a show of how close you are and how much your bond is unbreakable. Talk to her in laws to be and family (they might also think this about him) and make 'friends' with them. She is going to need you.

Hopefully she will realise what he is before they have any kids. It's likely she already knows but is in the cycle of abuse and can't get out.

September is also some time away so fingers crossed she might even realise before the big day. For now just grit your teeth and go along with whatever she has planned for preparations for her wedding. It's tough but that's what parents have to do.

Typical Mumsnet- people picking apart OPs responses on why she hadn't brought water, downloaded a map, etc for the marathon...
WTH does ot matter??? The POINT is, dickhead deliberately ignored her, walked off, gave silent treatment and even assaulted her DH. The rest is irrelevant.

I would bear in mind it's going to suit this guy down to the ground if your relationship with your daughter is strained or ends. She may be in the fog now but she is probably going to need you at some point and if you and she are estranged she may not turn to you (or anyone).

So I think I would suck it up and go to the wedding and whatever else she wants, within reason. You can make it clear to her that your disapproval of the guy is solely out of concern for her and definitely make it clear that you love her and she can come to you anytime she's in need. Presumably the dress fitting etc. won't be in his presence so maybe an opportunity to check she's ok (without hectoring her) and to bond with her a bit.

I think suggesting she goes to counselling with you is a bit unusual and a bit of a boundary overstep. I might be wrong but I don't think family counselling between adults is a thing (apart from relationship counselling for couples).

It sounds like both sides of the story can be true simultaneously..... the fiance is potentially controlling and difficult to be around, but the OP and her husband have gone into victim mode, and are not taking responsibility for their own behaviour. Judging this man because he left school at 16 and "fixes cars" is rather telling, isn't it?

Sorry 💐