I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

We should have done that. We were just trying to stick together as a family so we tried to keep with him as we didn't want him to feel bad about his poor organizational skills. And given how well we had treated him in the past we thought he would treat us well when he had the opportunity.

The only evidence that he’s ‘violent’ comes from the fact that he shoved the OP’s husband onto a crowded train. That to me sounds less like the ‘act of violence’ some posters see it as (to the point that they think the OP should have called the police) than a somewhat impatient or clumsy attempt to help the OP and her husband get onto a crowded train.

I mean, he’s clearly not a nice guy, but I don’t think this is a police matter. Nor do I think it suggests the guy is ‘violent’.

Well, when a man's actions are indefensible, what else can they do but divert attention by finding something to blame a woman for?

I think the whole point of OP’s posts is that this man has made it clear he holds both OP and her DH in contempt. If that’s the case then OP has no obligation to make things easy for him. If my DDs’ fiancé had abused my DH in the way OP described, and DD had refused to stand up to him in her dad’s defence, l wouldn’t be welcoming him with open arms either.

Wow. Now we’re trying to excuse what is any situation would be viewed as assault. He shoved OP’s husband onto a crowded train. You’re trying to defend the indefensible.

What I cant get my head around is this,
You all told DD how nasty her fiance has been to you both, even her brother was a witness and said so.
What was her response to that? Because it seems to me that she is enabling him big time and showing zero care or consideration for her parents. Even as a victim of his manipulations, does she not care about her parents essentially being abused?
If she doesnt even believe you, then I'm afraid your relationship is pretty doomed anyway.

Have you never lived in a city with crowded trains or tubes? People shove on, and shove one another on to already bursting carriages all the time. In Tokyo, there are special train staff who push passengers into jammed carriages in rush hour, quite forcefully!

This wasn’t an ‘assault’.

A friend was under a similar spell. All of us saw what her future dh is like, but she was 'oh, because he is from the wrong side of the tracks, you don't like him'. Please don't abandon your daughter, if you abandon her, she will be even more under his spell, and when it all unravels, you need to be there for her.

Yes we were in an urban area but it was so weird because there weren't any shops around at all until we got to the 22 mile mark. I kept thinking we would see a shop but we were just walking along roads and roads of houses. I really couldn't understand it. If there had been shops we had gone past I would have stopped.

And it's easy to say that I should have behaved differently, but because we had been invited by her after the original arrangements, I felt that I didn't want to come along as a late invitee and start taking over and also make him feel inadequate about his organisational skills so I didn't interfere with what he wanted to do, I just asked nicely for him to find somewhere for us to eat and drink. I was just trying to be sensitive to him.

It really was an assault. He shoved him in the back with two hands and my husband was quite capable of getting on the train without that.

I think the fact that our son who is very non-confrontational felt he ought to tell his sister how badly this guy had behaved should make it clear that he really did behave badly. I didn't want to bring it up with her because I didn't want to spoil our relationship, but our son was determined that this wasn't good enough.

Yes we should have done that looking back but we were just trying to go along with his plans and make him feel in charge of the day because originally it had been his and her day and then she invited us and I wanted to be sensitive to him

Yes we should have done that looking back but we were just trying to go along with his plans and make him feel in charge of the day because originally it had been his and her day and then she invited us and I wanted to be sensitive to him

I'd go to spite him. If you don't he's got what he wants and she will have nowhere to turn when she wants to leave him. I'd be at the wedding and on call every minute of every day.

My DM refused to help me when I was desperate and pregnant and it gave my ex a license to ramp up the abuse.

How can you state this so definitely? You don't know the daughter and you don't know the future. Please don't do this, you are putting your own feelings onto a stranger.

well I think you need to move on from the marathon incident. The other things you talk about would worry me more - leading me to conclude that my daughter is in an abusive relationship. And I think you just to need to let her know that you're there for her. It might escalate to violence, particularly if/when she has a child. I'm sure she knows deep down she is in an abusive relationship, but all you (and her brother) can do is be there for her. And carry on avoiding being with the partner.

What an awful situation- I would go to the wedding as he is just winning and has achieved his goal of isolating her if people don’t go. Can her brother or someone talk to her about legally protecting some of her assets before marraige?

It could be an idea to order some leaflets from Women’s Aid or a similar organisation with red flags for controlling relationships and anonymously post her a leaflet! I would ask her again if she would go to a counselling session - make it more about you that you would like her to help you with your issues or whatever you think may get her to walk through the door.

https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/downloads-and-resources/posters-and-leaflets/

The cycle of domestic violence and they way abusers control is so powerful that the victims can seem like enablers.

A family member of mine has been the victim of DV for over 30 years and her responses are sometimes so combative and defensive as she is always functioning on high alert that it's comes over like not caring. This is exactly what the abuser wants.

Thank you for this. It really has given me some hope. Yes I was so glad my son was there because otherwise it would have just been me not liking him. Whereas in fact that wasn't that at all and I didn't even want to tell her how he'd behaved and wouldn't have done so myself just to keep the peace.

You're right, she does just want to be married, I said that to my husband this morning. And he's landed on his feet because she's got a great job and will support him for the rest of her life . She had previously lived with somebody else and she was desperate to be asked to marry him and he never did.

I'm going to start using the term cowson. So lovely and descriptive.

Go, don't risk isolating her with this awful man. Be there because you are her Mum and love her, not because you approve or feel happy.

Apart from the fact that there’s no evidence at all, he’s a ‘domestic abuser’. He shoved the OP’s husband onto a crowded tram. There’s no evidence whatsoever he’s physically or psychologically abusive to the OP’s daughter.

He’s just a dreadful person and cocklodger.

Oh op @Degreenbeans i am so sorry. I had one of “those” years ago. I went back to him even when he got completely drunk day before my sister’s wedding, stormed out in my little village he didnt know (but everyone knew our family, very small village), caused issues, got in the fight, ended up with broken arm, attacked my dad.. and i STILL went back to him. My mom paid for my counselling when i left and begged her for help, and again i went back to him. My parents knew from the beginning. I knew after first couple of years but it took 6, 6 bloody wasted years. Just be for her. She knows. I hope she will find her sense. It must be hard

You will have to go to the wedding to support your daughter, but you don’t need to get involved with any planning. Tell her how worried you are about the marriage, explain that because of your strong feelings you won’t be able to go shopping etc, and then leave it.
The financial side of things sounds worrying too, but If they are married he will have a right to some of her money. Tell her this too.
Be there to support her as much as it feels comfortable to do, but you can’t do anymore and remain honest to yourself.

It was an assault I saw the sudden forceful shove with the hands at a distance and then slamming into my husband's back. It wasn't a little helpful shove at all

Don't say anything yet. Just do a Meghan Markle's dad and pretend to have a heart attack nearer the time.

Of course we only have a snap shot here so can only comment on that.

Yes, he behaved like a bit of a dick. He could have helped you at some stage and he shouldn't have pushed your DH. You should have been better prepared for the day and more realistic of what following someone round running a marathon is like. Surely you knew it was going to be a long day with lots of walking so not ideal for a sick 71 year old. It sounds like it was a bit of a disaster all round tbh and no one was at their best.

I think you're going round in circles now and really need to draw a line and move on. Put your daughter back in the centre of things and support her through her wedding plans.

This is awful to read. Virtually every poster without saying it explicitly is implying that your daughter shouldn’t be marrying this man. OP obviously thinks it too.
It may be that this is all a bit too close to home for me but a very close relative ended up marrying someone we’d all known wasn’t right for her, and within a fortnight it was over. Not wanting to spoil her happiness we’d all gone along (and I’m including friends as well as family here) with the wedding plans for the sake of preserving our relationship. With hindsight we shouldn’t because the fallout afterwards was far worse than anything that would have occurred before the wedding. When someone said to her after he’d gone that they always knew he was a bad one she was horrified that she had been blinded to the signs and that no one had had the courage to tell her that marrying him was a bad idea.
I know the OP’s circumstances are very different but if I was her I’d be trying to find a ways during the next 10 months or so of supporting my daughter whilst encouraging her to think long and hard about what tying herself to a man who has already shown himself to have so many red flags might mean, bearing in mind the rift in the family that has already occurred.