I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

You’re playing into his hands if he’s trying to cause a wedge. Your disapproval & taking a stance against the wedding, won’t stop the wedding. If you alienate her now before she’s married, it won’t suddenly improve relations after the marriage. Show up for her, try to think of it as HER day not THEIR day.

Because there weren't any shops nearby and when I asked him repeatedly to take us to the shops he just ignored me. I honestly thought he would be taking us to the shops when I asked him even though he didn't reply. I also didn't want him to feel I was taking over the day by just altering his plans about where we were going to be cheering on from so I just followed him rather than tried to be my usual independent self, particularly as I'd asked him for help so many times and I thought he would help. I was trying to be non-confrontational.

Edited because someone asked the same question whilst I was typing mine.

Why didn't you take things with you? Given your husbands health issues that was have been the responsible thing to have done. Not winging it. That seems a bit odd as does not stopping to take breaks, especially on a warm day. You also could have stopped more frequently and arranged to meet up with the Fiancé again, once rested.

So is your husband refusing to go to the wedding? And if so, does dd know that?

Can you maybe find her a book / leaflet / anything that describes the pattern of abusive behaviour? Something that might jolt her into seeing "oh, yes, that's how fiancé treats me"?

If you decide not to go, you have to actually tell her, and quite soon. It's not fair to leave her booking appointments and whatever on the basis that she thinks you'll be there for them. And then there'll be all the inevitable conversations with friends and family where they assume you're going and you have to tell them you're not - and, maybe, why.

I agree. I would also add that OP should put things in place now to protect herself and her DH as they get older. Given the contempt this man has already shown to them both, and DD’s unwillingness to defend them, OP should make absolutely sure that neither of them can have any input into decision making on their behalf.

You have made your feelings clear, but you need to be there and keep your relationship with her.
She will then open up to you as and when in the future.
I feel for you. Hopefully she will see sense and the wedding will be called off.

If your daughter is marrying someone manipulative and unpleasant then you need to do everything you can to remain close to her.

Don't give him any ammunition to say you don't care about her (which not going to the wedding will absolutely do). If he is trying to isolate her from her family then your best move is to prove you'll be there for her, regardless of your feelings about him.

Knowing you are there for her might be the thing that eventually helps her leave him.

I was trying not to take over the day because I'm usually the one who organises everything. We were invited after they had arranged to go together and I thought that that might be a bit tricky for him. So I wanted to give him the respect of letting him organise our day together rather than me being the one who came in and took over. That's why I kept asking him for help. Also, I didn't have the app on my phone which told me where we were in relation to marathon route, he did. Because he kept walking off and leaving us trailing behind, I couldn't even catch up with him to say we were going to go a different way and find water. Each time we caught up with him I would ask for his help. I honestly didn't see how he could refuse to help us

Why did he need to take you to a shop though? If he was busy and one of the organisers, surely you should have been taking care of yourselves...as for "what shall we do if we get separated"...you're not 5! You have mobile phones, legs and independent thought.

Aside from all that, he sounds like an inpatient idiot.

I was trying not to take over the day because I'm usually the one who organises everything. We were invited after they had arranged to go together and I thought that that might be a bit tricky for him. So I wanted to give him the respect of letting him organise our day together rather than me being the one who came in and took over. That's why I kept asking him for help. Also, I didn't have the app on my phone which told me where we were in relation to marathon route, he did. Because he kept walking off and leaving us trailing behind, I couldn't even catch up with him to say we were going to go a different way and find water. Each time we caught up with him I would ask for his help. I honestly didn't see how he could refuse to help us

Go to the wedding, keep her on side and as others have said be there for her.
In a couple of years she will be on here asking for advice about her shit husband, but obviously you never go down the told you so route.
One of my d married a toxic tosser and she dropped me, dad and sibs because we didn't like him. Although we were polite to him, and she used to moan about him telling her how to spend her wages -mainly on him- he was a cock lodger but she married him anyway.
She said we were all dead to her, always had been a drama queen, so we all respected her wishes 'she had an abusive childhood bollocks' and noone has heard /seen her for 6 odd years but know through friends she is still with him and he is still cock lodging but she's happy.

Sorry I didn't make that clear. He wasn't one of the organisers. He was meant to organise me and my husband and our son to follow our daughter around and cheer her on a relevant parts. I didn't know the place where we were and I didn't know where the route was and I wanted a point where we could meet. There was hardly any phone signal because there were so many people there so we couldn't rely on that. I just wanted a plan.

We didn't take things with us because I discussed with my daughter that we would eat breakfast once she'd started her marathon and then he just changed the plan and I didn't want to cause trouble by confronting him. Because he totally wouldn't communicate with us about what the plan was or tell us where we were going. I couldn't even make arrangements to meet him somewhere else because I didn't know where I was and I didn't know where I was going and there were thousands of people there. I just expected him to have a plan, communicate it to us and look after us because that was his job to do. It's usually me who looks after everybody but on this one occasion I thought somebody else would do it and that person would be him. And he was just rude and objectionable.

I disagree. Be honest with your daughter in regards to your concerns about her husband but keep reminding her you love her without condition and will always be there for her. It seems as though you are doing the best you can right now, but maybe consider doing some assertiveness training for yourself. I truly hope she comes to her senses before getting married.

Oh come on. What's not to 'understand'? The OP sits with her husband to make sure he's OK, take action if he deteriorates etc, while Prince Charming goes to get him a drink.

If you knew that your husband was unwell why didn't you just say you'd meet them all at the finish? I'm finding it very strange that you were running after him instead of just making a decision that was best for yourselves. You didn't need an app to know where the finish was. It sounds like he was fed up with you asking him for help. Did you not take a few snacks and drinks with you? All very odd for me OP. I'm wondering if the rest of your views about him being controlling etc are also accurate? You know your daughter well of course you so - do you really think she would accept a relationship and a life within someone like this?
If you push him away and bad mouth him then there is a chance you will lose your daughter. She has chosen him. I would do the same as many PPs have suggested. Keep her close. Limit your interactions with him to a minimum and be there for her. It is her life after all.

How old is your son? Between you, your son and your husband, nobody thought the fiancé is being a dick lets get the app we can meet up with him later at a specific point and time? (When we have sat to down to eat our packed lunch or snacks)

I think that if he is manipulative you need to bite your tongue and pretend to like him - then hope that your daughter comes to her senses before next September! He may be actively trying to create a wedge between your family and your daughter so you mustn’t allow him to do that. He probably wants you to complain to your daughter about him and will then use it against you. Don’t give him any excuse

Going to the wedding tells her that you will always be there for her whatever.

What is the son doing during this time?

Actually it sounds like he was trying to lose them along the route knowing they didn’t know where DD would be finishing the race.

No he's not refusing to go to the wedding! That's just all he's going to do. She's now decided she doesn't want him to give a speech and he's happy with that. He's really just washing his hands of her whereas I want to keep a relationship going more.

I really don't think I can show her anything that will make her change her mind. In fact, I think that she's in such a state of mine that if I were to say anything or show her something like that it would make her do the opposite. She's determined she's going to ignore her family's views and continue with this marriage. She earns a huge wage and pays for everything. He lives in her house which of course he will have half of once they marry. He moved in with nothing, absolutely nothing, despite having worked for 9 years. She has three degrees, has a fantastic job, and he left school at 16 and fixes cars. I can't see the attraction but I was happy to leave things until he was so vile to my husband

No he's not refusing to go to the wedding! That's just all he's going to do. She's now decided she doesn't want him to give a speech and he's happy with that. He's really just washing his hands of her whereas I want to keep a relationship going more.

I really don't think I can show her anything that will make her change her mind. In fact, I think that she's in such a state of mine that if I were to say anything or show her something like that it would make her do the opposite. She's determined she's going to ignore her family's views and continue with this marriage. She earns a huge wage and pays for everything. He lives in her house which of course he will have half of once they marry. He moved in with nothing, absolutely nothing, despite having worked for 9 years. She has three degrees, has a fantastic job, and he left school at 16 and fixes cars. I can't see the attraction but I was happy to leave things until he was so vile to my husband

The controlling behaviour to your daughter is awful and he does sound rude but the more you describe this situation I can see why he was walking off in frustration because it sounds like you were being absolutely pathetic. Why didn’t you bring supplies for your husband? Download the app or look at Google maps? When it became clear that he wasn’t interested in helping the first time, you and your husband should've taken responsibility for yourselves. “Oi knobhead, Dave’s not feeling well, we’re going to find a shop and a place to sit and we’ll catch up with you later.” And off you go. If you didn’t catch up with him later, it doesn’t sound like anyone would’ve really cared about that.

Drastic, but say outright that you think she's wrong to marry him, you'll have no part in it, but you'll always be there to support her, whatever happens.
You can't hope to be some kind of benign protective buffer for her.
Obviously it will totally bugger up your relationship with her, but you'll be doing the right thing, and she may (at some point) see sense.