I don't want to go to my daughter's wedding. What should I do?

[Degreenbeans]

I used to have a great relationship with my daughter until she got together with somebody who is the really nasty person. Although I felt so sorry that she could not see she was worth a far better partner, I accepted him for her sake.

This was until he utterly disrespected and mistreated me and her father over a whole day when she was not there. He had mistreated me before in her absence and I had forgiven him for her sake but this time it was too much. He even pushed her father onto a train by shoving him in the back. It was just awful. Her brother was there with us, witnessed it all, and told her what had happened and that this behaviour was unacceptable and that her partner was controlling and manipulative, which is something I was always aware of but had overlooked for her peace of mind and to continue having a relationship with her.

She ignored all this and they are getting married next September. Our relationship has been very strained since this because her father and I both feel utterly disrespected by both of them, given she forgave him so easily and tried to minimise what he'd done.

Now the marriage is getting closer and she wants me to be involved. I really don't want to be involved but I don't want to ruin our relationship even more. I've said I will go to her dress fitting and I've said I will go with her to buy me an outfit. I do not want to get ready on the day of the ceremony and have my makeup and hair done with her because it is not a joyous occasion for me and I've told her that but she has made an appointment for me and keeps giving me details. I just don't know what to do.

I've asked her to go to counselling with me but she doesn't want to. She says she hasn't got time. That makes me feel that she's either avoiding dealing with this or minimising my feelings.

It's all such a mess up and I never expected this to happen to our relationship. We were so close. I think that he set out to cause this rift and sadly he's succeeded but I just don't know what I'm going to do on her wedding day.

Your daughter either can't or doesn't want to see what her boyfriend is like. Unfortunately, you can't make her 'see the light', no matter how hard and frustrating that may be for you. It's sadly, a realisation she has to come to on her own. If that realisation doesn't happen for several years, by which time she's married him, and likely had children, there's still nothing you can do to protect her against herself. I can absolutely see why some posters have told you not to go to the wedding, due to the way your daughter's boyfriend has treated you and your husband. I understand that, and if there wasn't a danger of your daughter being isolated, I'd agree. However, abusive men, want their victims isolated, at odds with their loved ones, leaving the abuser their only option. You don't want your daughter feeling rejected by you not going to the wedding, it will solidify any bad mouthing her boyfriend has made regarding you/your husband. It will reinforce to her that 'he's right', and that she's 'wong', and will push her even more to him. You need to be actively involved in your daughter's life, and any potential grandchildren that may come along. You have to play the 'long game', and that means plastering a smile on your face, and attending the wedding. Your daughter will need you much further down the line, and she needs to know she came come to you.

You need to keep her close to protect her and so she knows she has a safe place with you. Go to the wedding and be there with her for every part of it she wants you to. The fact that she hasn't completely sided with him and rejected you is an indication that deep down she knows. She just isn't ready to fully see as yet.

Op, gently, you won’t be trying to rebuild any bridges if you don’t go to her wedding.

You need to be the adult, you hate him with good reason, but you need to show your daughter you love her unconditionally.
Go to the wedding paint on a smile and keep your mouth closed unless it’s to say something kind.

You need to understand, if you don’t go you are unlikely to have a relationship with your daughter in future. That means, when they have children you are unlikely to see your grandchildren.

How are you going to feel about that?

This will be exactly what your future son-in-law wants.

Remember that saying, keep your friends close but your enemies closer.

Your daughter will need you in future.

Would she ever think about making a Clare's law request. You can also do it, but I think any information if the police had any would go only to your dd so she would know you've done this.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer as the saying goes, so go to the wedding more as a message that he will not get to isolate you from her life.

It must be horrible for you knowing what a nasty arsehole she is choosing to marry, but the last thing you want to do is sever contact with her, which will happen if you don’t go. She’s going to need you in the future.

Play the long game here, OP. Your DD is trapped in this relationship and clearly can't see her way out at the moment. He will be isolating her from all her friends and family so that she can't escape. Don't let him cut you out. Go to the wedding, do all the bride stuff with your DD, be there for her so she knows that she isn't completely alone. At some point she'll be ready to get out of this relationship and she will need someone she can turn to. If you want to be that person, you need to go to the wedding and continue to be in your daughter's life as much as you can.

Agree with this. There's probably nothing this creep would like more than for you to back off, he will have 'won'.

Im afraid the next few years will be hard and stressful, but if you want to help your DD you must stick around and be ready to pick up the pieces.

Whenever my daughter was around he would be fine but whenever she wasn't there he would give me the silent treatment for long periods of time. He wouldn't reply when I spoke to him. This happened a lot.

In April we went with them to support her running a marathon. Throughout her run he behaved like a pig. My husband has leukaemia, is 71, and had recently recovered from a bladder infection so he needed to keep his fluids up. After 4 hours of walking around in the heat, my husband was feeling ill and needed water and I asked the moron for help in finding him a drink as he was meant to be organising the day. He just walked off without saying anything and made us run after him. This happened several times. After 10 miles of walking my husband was looking very ill because he hadn't had anything to eat or drink. Eventually my husband had to sit down because he wasn't feeling well and he sat next to a random guy on a bench who did a double take and asked if he was ok. This s* didn't give a toss and strode off. That's just one example of how he behaved. He treated me like an irritating 2-year-old and just ignored me when I asked him to help us. At the end of the day we were trying to get on the tram to go back to the start and it was a bit busy and I asked him what he thought we should do if we got separated and he said just do what you want and then proceeded to shove my husband in the back to get him on the packed tram. It was shocking.

This. Use the opportunity of that speech. The first bond in life, unique in everyone’s life and eternal etc etc.

I would also think about including your son in the plan as he needs to clear you are not accepting this man but playing the long game.

Really heartbreaking for you. I hope she sees through him before the marriage.

You show her your support. You show her you’re there for her no matter what.

When she leaves him, she’ll need to know you’re a safe welcoming place.

Go, he’ll just say “look your parents don’t care about you, I’m the only one here for you”. Don’t let him use that. It keeps the door open for he to leave and know she can come back with no judgement.

Didn’t see your post but was thinking along the very same lines (re my previous post).

No we didn't. We were just too shocked TBF. We couldn't believe this was happening. And then when we met up with her again afterwards he behaved as if nothing had happened and we were all big mates.

He sounds horrible.

However I dont understand why you needed to ask him for help. You're an adult. Your husband is poorly. You prioritise your husband.

This.

She can't ask for help if the door is shut. How would you feel if you got a knock on the door from the police at 4am in the morning...

The abusive like to isolate their victims, don't be that person that allows it to happen, not matter how hard he tries.

Awful situation. But agree with others. Play the long game here. Good luck.

This. If he is fine when she is there he knows exactly what he is doing He is trying to isolate your daughter from her family. Go, stand firm. It would be a good chance to get her alone too, and tell her you will always be there, no matter what. It sounds like the poor girl is in for a rough ride, but hopefully she will remember your words and see the way out.

It’s such a difficult one . I just don’t know because not going to your daughter’s wedding is inconceivable but going infers you approve of the relationship.

He does sound like a complete tool. But why didn't you just nip in a corner shop and get some water and food? I'm wondering if there's more to this and a day of constant helplessness from you too was more of an issue than you're letting on.

It’s really complex. Both my children married people who defiantly disrespected me. I didn’t make a fuss. somehow I accept that they didn’t want partners that thought I was great, they wanted to unequivocally be the most important people.
It’s the last thing I expected.
i was very disappointed and was not much involved in either weddings. For some reason your daughter likes the fact that you are disrespected that’s the rub. Both my children apparently adore me and now have resentful possessive obedient spouses. 20 years on. I’m suggesting it’s your daughter who doesn’t want her husband to like you. While she is free to. A kind of transferred aggression she would never admit to.

I think you're right, she does know. She loves her brother so much and he told her exactly what he thought and what the moron had done yet she still insisted on ignoring his account of how we had been treated. But I think she knows that that is really what happened and that he is not a good person. He's fooled her, but deep down she knows.

If that’s the case, and the wedding is next year, it sounds like it might not even go ahead 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

He just walked off without saying anything and made us run after him.

Why did you run after him?
Why did you not prioritise getting your ill husband a drink?

Why are you alone with him so often?
I don’t think my mum has ever seen my siblings partners without my siblings there - there’s nothing wrong with it but I can’t see a situation where it would happen.

He sounds awful and I completely understand what you’re saying but you need to go against every instinct and do the opposite.

I saw this happening in real time.
Exactly the same situation where the DH refused to have him in the house but the wife said no we are going to do the opposite - and they did.

They welcomed him with open arms and invited him to everything with their DD - that way he couldn’t take DD away and isolate her from them.

He was a narcissist too and so assumed they loved him and would let her visit them without him if he had a work meeting and couldn’t keep tabs on where she was.

They never slagged him off and would let her feel safe about bitching about him.
They would just listen and rarely give their opinion.

If you act like you don’t like him, you will push her towards him and he’ll be ‘justified’ in why he doesn’t want her seeing you.

You need to go to the wedding and be involved as much as you can - she is your child and you do not allow him to push you out.

I feel sick at the thought of my DD being in a relationship like this and you have my utmost sympathy.