Page 16 | My nephew (30) hasn’t invited his grandma to his wedding next year

WildflowerGardens · 2025-07-29T09:20:00+00:00

I am a woman whose nephew, who is 30, is getting married next year to his fiancée. He earns a good wage as a software developer. He and my mother - his grandmother - are on good terms but don’t see each other - she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t. It’s now emerged that she has only been invited to his wedding RECEPTION next year and not the wedding ceremony I feel upset about this as my mother is 81 and this could be her last family wedding. It means that she won’t be in any of the family wedding photos - having a snapshot taken at the reception in some dark pub function room pales in comparison. advice please!

Digdongdoo · 31/07/2025 08:32

Dancingsquirrels · 31/07/2025 08:16

She'll be missing the wedding ceremony, which gives a clear message that she's unimportant. This would make many people feel lonely and isolated

Nephew can and will do what he likes, but these gestures have consequences

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Perhaps she is unimportant to him. Two sides to every story. Youngsters aren't buying into age being a get out of jail free card.
Or perhaps it's just a tiny little wedding and hardly anyone is invited to the ceremony. OP is yet to respond to that for some reason. The reception is in a pub so it's obviously not a lavish affair.
There's no need to walk through life looking for reasons to be offended, when there's usually a perfectly rational explanation for another person's choices. Times are changing, weddings are expensive, plenty of people don't get married at all.
As for "consequences" I'm sure he's already weighed it up.

HostaCentral · 31/07/2025 08:37

I'm with the nephew, sorry. The couple should be entitled to invite whom they want to their wedding ceremony.

I have always regretted not putting my foot down with my Mum and In laws who invited a whole host of relatives, who I didn't know, had no relationship with, and can't even recognize in photos. They also inviting a whole load of their friends. It turned mostly into their day not mine. In hindsight it was a bit shit.

TammyJones · 31/07/2025 08:43

MyTattooIsBetterThanYours · 30/07/2025 23:39

Is this a windup thread? You sound delightful OP. No wonder your DN keeps his distance.

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Agree.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/07/2025 08:49

HopingForTheBest25 · 31/07/2025 07:32

Weddings, like wills, are definitive statements on how important we are to other people. They are the frozen points in time, whose emotional impact cannot be undone after the fact - nothing can erase the memory of not inviting a significant family member to your wedding! Just as you cannot undo the impact of deliberately leaving g a person out of your will. These actions make it crystal clear where we stand!

A mum, or aunt in this case, has a 'duty' not only to protect and advocate for their own mother, but to the groom also - to stop him from making a monumental mistake and doing something where the consequences will last forever. He won't be able to take back the natural fallout from this decision. If he hates his grandmother, if she was a terrible granny, then he doesn't have to include her 'just because' she's family. But if he doesn't actively hate her and his decision is genuinely a poorly thought out move on his part, then to have everyone mind their own business and say nothing, like this is an okay and normal thing to do, means he will not be protected from the unintended consequences of what he's doing!

Now you can reasonably say that a man in his 30s shouldn't need his mum and aunt to point out the bleeding obvious, but some people are a bit thick/self absorbed and could do with the help. Especially if that help protects his elderly gran.

Have posted the above in the assumption that this is a 'normal' family and there's no weird backstory.

All of this.

Politygal · 31/07/2025 09:26

How hurtful of him. Makes you wonder whether he will be worth anything as a husband. If I was that grandma, I would make sure there was no wedding gift.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 11:06

Politygal · 31/07/2025 09:26

How hurtful of him. Makes you wonder whether he will be worth anything as a husband. If I was that grandma, I would make sure there was no wedding gift.

I doubt he gives a flying fuck about "no wedding gift" since he has been no contact for (at least) all his adult life. To be honest I doubt he cares whether she comes or not, and probably only invited her to the reception for "forms sake". His relationship with his grandmother has been an occasional birthday or christmas card from her which he never acknowledges. I think he's been utterly clear in his message - it's his aunt and half the posters here who seem to have missed the message.

Makes you wonder what his grandmother was like towards him as a child that he thinks she has little worth now? Two sides to every story...

TammyJones · 31/07/2025 11:26

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 11:06

I doubt he gives a flying fuck about "no wedding gift" since he has been no contact for (at least) all his adult life. To be honest I doubt he cares whether she comes or not, and probably only invited her to the reception for "forms sake". His relationship with his grandmother has been an occasional birthday or christmas card from her which he never acknowledges. I think he's been utterly clear in his message - it's his aunt and half the posters here who seem to have missed the message.

Makes you wonder what his grandmother was like towards him as a child that he thinks she has little worth now? Two sides to every story...

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Agree
my grandmothers were in my adult life, so obviously came ti my wedding.
But now, years later,I remember back to my adult nices/nephews.

despite sending all 3 nices/nephews (0n one side) Christmas presents (biscuits/chocolates) for a good few years, I never got a single thanks , from any of them - not even a text , or a Christmas card.
I stopped in the end. No big fall out.
Just peoples life’s go in different directions and we rarely saw each other.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 31/07/2025 11:45

TammyJones · 31/07/2025 11:26

Agree
my grandmothers were in my adult life, so obviously came ti my wedding.
But now, years later,I remember back to my adult nices/nephews.

despite sending all 3 nices/nephews (0n one side) Christmas presents (biscuits/chocolates) for a good few years, I never got a single thanks , from any of them - not even a text , or a Christmas card.
I stopped in the end. No big fall out.
Just peoples life’s go in different directions and we rarely saw each other.

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Doesn’t this start with their parents though? If they were never required/helped to say thank you in some form when they were younger, it isn’t learnt as normal behaviour. I think it’s really sad when these connnections get lost.

Never2many · 31/07/2025 11:49

Dancingsquirrels · 31/07/2025 07:53

I think it's awful he hasn't invited her

And surprised how many people on here suggesting it's absolutely fine

No wonder we have an epidemic of loneliness and people's mental health deteriorating due to isolation

I think the opposite.

I’m surprised how many people are saying how awful this man is for not inviting his grandmother, who he clearly has no relationship with for his own reasons.

No wonder younger people are struggling with their mental health when so much pressure is put on them to maintain relationships with toxic family members at all costs, including their mental health.

I would hazard a guess the OP is like mother like daughter, that she’s the golden child and the rest of the family have cut off the grandmother for valid reasons, hence why the sister is refusing to answer her calls.

And the OP will be well aware of why this nephew wants nothing to do with the grandmother, but that’s not going to earn her votes on AIBU is it?

WhatNoRaisins · 31/07/2025 12:01

I can't help think that it's better to either openly admit that there is no relationship and go low or no contact rather than treat someone badly in a very public way that will be remembered. I hope for granny's sake that she at least now knows where she stands and will move on from this and focus on the people that do care about her.

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 31/07/2025 13:22

Never2many · 31/07/2025 11:49

I think the opposite.

I’m surprised how many people are saying how awful this man is for not inviting his grandmother, who he clearly has no relationship with for his own reasons.

No wonder younger people are struggling with their mental health when so much pressure is put on them to maintain relationships with toxic family members at all costs, including their mental health.

I would hazard a guess the OP is like mother like daughter, that she’s the golden child and the rest of the family have cut off the grandmother for valid reasons, hence why the sister is refusing to answer her calls.

And the OP will be well aware of why this nephew wants nothing to do with the grandmother, but that’s not going to earn her votes on AIBU is it?

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Wow. That’s quite a little fantasy you’ve concocted there about OP and her family. Which inevitably says way more about you than anyone else.

Sunholidays · 31/07/2025 14:03

I have always regretted not putting my foot down with my Mum and In laws who invited a whole host of relatives,

A grandmother is hardly a random relative.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 14:39

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 31/07/2025 13:22

Wow. That’s quite a little fantasy you’ve concocted there about OP and her family. Which inevitably says way more about you than anyone else.

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It's no more a fantasy than the OP's version of them being "on good terms" despite the fact that he has neither seen nor communicated with his grandmother in many years. It's surprising that when a woman goes no contact with a relative there is assumed to be a good reason. But here it is being assumed here isn't because heh, it's his grandmother he's no contact with and she's a woman.

Even by the OP's highly one sided view, she admits that he has had no contact with his grandmother for a very long time, and that even occasional contact from his grandmother is ignored. That says way more about the grandmother than it does about anyone else.

Pinkissmart · 31/07/2025 15:26

WitchesofPainswick · 29/07/2025 10:30

This struck me in your OP: "she’d love for him to visit but he doesn’t" - has she ever visited him?

(I'm assuming if she can travel for a wedding, she can visit her grandson occasionally?)

Really? At 81?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 31/07/2025 15:35

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 14:39

It's no more a fantasy than the OP's version of them being "on good terms" despite the fact that he has neither seen nor communicated with his grandmother in many years. It's surprising that when a woman goes no contact with a relative there is assumed to be a good reason. But here it is being assumed here isn't because heh, it's his grandmother he's no contact with and she's a woman.

Even by the OP's highly one sided view, she admits that he has had no contact with his grandmother for a very long time, and that even occasional contact from his grandmother is ignored. That says way more about the grandmother than it does about anyone else.

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Or it could just mean that he couldn't give a shit about his grandmother.

CheltenhamLady · 31/07/2025 15:35

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 14:39

It's no more a fantasy than the OP's version of them being "on good terms" despite the fact that he has neither seen nor communicated with his grandmother in many years. It's surprising that when a woman goes no contact with a relative there is assumed to be a good reason. But here it is being assumed here isn't because heh, it's his grandmother he's no contact with and she's a woman.

Even by the OP's highly one sided view, she admits that he has had no contact with his grandmother for a very long time, and that even occasional contact from his grandmother is ignored. That says way more about the grandmother than it does about anyone else.

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That says way more about the grandmother than it does about anyone else.

I am not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate, please?

Pinkissmart · 31/07/2025 15:40

So many people trying to find a back story.

Yes, it's his wedding. Of course they can invite who they like. But some people are breathtakingly self absorbed- prioritising insta ready weddings over everything else. Honestly, it's like a switch gets flipped with some people when they plan their wedding; all of a sudden having a coloured smoke display for the sake of a picture is more important than relationships.

And the pp who said that an elderly free wedding is fine should take a good hard look at themselves.

saraclara · 31/07/2025 15:43

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 14:39

It's no more a fantasy than the OP's version of them being "on good terms" despite the fact that he has neither seen nor communicated with his grandmother in many years. It's surprising that when a woman goes no contact with a relative there is assumed to be a good reason. But here it is being assumed here isn't because heh, it's his grandmother he's no contact with and she's a woman.

Even by the OP's highly one sided view, she admits that he has had no contact with his grandmother for a very long time, and that even occasional contact from his grandmother is ignored. That says way more about the grandmother than it does about anyone else.

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Except OP actually knows her nephew and her mother, and the family relationships, so she's basing her posts on her knowledge and experience, not creating a fantasy. You just want to assume the worst, so have made up a scenario.

I think a lot of similar posts are actually ageist. The old woman has to be the cause of the problem. The young couple can't possibly be.

HiRen · 31/07/2025 16:38

This whole thread has been really eye-opening.

All the posters saying "it's none of your business" and "their wedding, they can invite who they want": family IS our business. Whose else should it be? The government's? Are you the same people who think the state should be potty training their 5 year olds, teaching our children emotional intelligence and how to budget and fill in tax returns? Who think that social services should be so wholly resourced that we should all be able to go about our business unbothered and unaffected by relatives (children! parents! grandparents even!) who aren't fully healthy and competent and able? So that you can live your best lives without responsibility?

It's a simultaneous abrogation of responsibility and sense of entitlement.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 31/07/2025 16:47

saraclara · 31/07/2025 15:43

Except OP actually knows her nephew and her mother, and the family relationships, so she's basing her posts on her knowledge and experience, not creating a fantasy. You just want to assume the worst, so have made up a scenario.

I think a lot of similar posts are actually ageist. The old woman has to be the cause of the problem. The young couple can't possibly be.

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I have made up nothing. I have faithfully repeated exactly the ONLY facts that the OP provided - that he has not seen or spoken to or communicated with his grandmother in many years. OP contacted her sister about this and the sister did not reply. Her posts are therefore based on knowing no more about this than anyone here - just her opinion that it is wrong, just as some people here think. Everyone is inventing a pile on based on absolutely no facts because they equally know nothing but would like to give a young man they know nothing about a good kicking.

OP has said a lot of words, but actually they have pretty much no content, and has failed to ask the myriads of questions asked. So either she really doesn't know anything, or (of course) this is an interesting diversion for her to set rabbits running and the story is made up. Because if you strip this of opinion and outrage, the fact he has had no contact with the grandmother for many years is the only actual fact given.

Helen483 · 31/07/2025 16:48

WildflowerGardens · 29/07/2025 18:43

Sibling hasn’t responded to my WhatsApp message about it….!

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I think this tells you everything you need to know OP.
This whole issue is between your nephew, your sister and your mum. Let them sort it out (if it even needs sorting), it's not your place to interfere.

ColdTofuSandwich · 31/07/2025 16:51

He’s selfish and ignorant and his mother should tell him as much! Disgraceful way to treat his GM although if he can’t be bothered to speak to her and thank her normally I assume this is normal to him.

Bleachedlevis · 31/07/2025 18:54

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 31/07/2025 00:58

A wedding is a big social event

No it is not.

It's a big social event if that's what the couple want to turn it into. How two people deciding to get married go about it, and the particulars of who is or is not invited to be present, is of nobody's business but the two people getting married themselves.

Edited

By ‘big’ I meant ‘significant’ - I should have chosen the word more carefully.

TankFlyBossWalkJamNittiGritti · 31/07/2025 21:00

HostaCentral · 31/07/2025 08:37

I'm with the nephew, sorry. The couple should be entitled to invite whom they want to their wedding ceremony.

I have always regretted not putting my foot down with my Mum and In laws who invited a whole host of relatives, who I didn't know, had no relationship with, and can't even recognize in photos. They also inviting a whole load of their friends. It turned mostly into their day not mine. In hindsight it was a bit shit.

One grandparent is hardly a whole host of relatives.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/08/2025 01:43

The Op has repeatedly ignored when asked if she herself actually has an invitation to the Wedding.

No mention at all of the Bride to Be, only the nephew.

and how the nephew has a good job 'He earns a good wage as a software developer.'/ ' Nephew has said it’s to save money - but they both have very good incomes.'