Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Original poster

Getting married in secret…when and how do you eventually tell people? And how will they feel?

134 replies

NoDramas · 11/04/2025 21:28

We are a mature couple. We are considering finally getting married after many decades together. We don’t want a big day for a variety of reasons. We are considering something simple at the registry office with just witnesses.

Our dilemma is telling people at some point after the event. We have decided that we would not announce it beforehand again for a variety of reasons. There are family and friends to consider.

Have you been in this position? How did you do it? Were there a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos at the exclusion and subterfuge.

Alternatively have you been on the receiving end of this scenario and you only found out about close relatives or your friends getting married afterwards? How did you feel?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

I imagine our friends would be happy for us and mildly miffed about not being able to celebrate the occasion with us.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 11/04/2025 21:49

We are doing similar. I've not told anybody.

I'm just going to send a photo afterwards saying 'Guess what?'

We're just going to say it was too stressful thinking about organising something big.

Lundier · 11/04/2025 21:51

My sister did this. I congratulated her and never said a word to her about it, of course. It really quietly hurt me. It's put an unspoken distance between us.

Peaceloveandhappiness · 11/04/2025 21:54

We eloped and we told both sets of parents what we wanted to do and they were ok with this, would like to be there but understood. We were 42 and 49, my DH had 19 yr old son who wasn't bothered at all, lived independently. So the idea was out there and prepared people. We then booked a long weekend at small country hotel, a couple of hours away so no-one would feel it was close and they could have come. Afterwards we rang people and framed it as a lovely surprise and had meals out to celebrate. Best way to do it ever, no stress, lovely, calm and romantic. Good luck with your own happy day.

Chasingsquirrels · 11/04/2025 21:55

My uncle did this with his 2nd wife. They'd been together for years.
We were all at a family wedding, about 12 of us had rented a big house and the evening before we were chatting about significant dates and his wife (we didn't know that at the time) mentioned something about "his first marriage". Jaws dropped!
Turned out they'd married a few years earlier.
No idea why they hadn't told anyone, everyone was happy for them.

Jennalong · 11/04/2025 21:56

We did . Wasn't going to tell immediate family until after , but in the end we did just parent and adult child .
Got married with just 2 random witnesses , and told friends and rest of family after .

Desperatelyseekingreason · 11/04/2025 21:57

We did this after 20 odd years together. Never told a soul until the deed was done. It was what we both wanted and as far as I could tell family and friends were all delighted for us.

Hollyaddy · 11/04/2025 21:57

I did this. Rang close family afterwards to tell them plus a fb post.

People who love and care for you will understand you have done it the way that mayters to you. People who fall out with you are more bothered about themselves than your happiness. Congratulations

toastofthetown · 11/04/2025 22:01

If my parents or siblings got married without me knowing I’d be hurt by it. I’m very close to my family, we’re in daily contact and if they got married without mentioning it then I’d probably assume that we weren’t as close as I’d previously assumed and it would probably hurt my relationship with them a little. I’d say all the right things to you though and not tell you that I was upset by it. It wouldn’t be about a bruised ego though, as you say in your OP.

2025willbemytime · 11/04/2025 22:01

I'd be happy for you but also disappointed as I love a wedding. But I'd not let on.

Original poster
NoDramas · 11/04/2025 22:03

So thus far - bar Lundier’s sister who got married - it sounds as though it wasn’t too traumatic for anyone to deal with whether pre or post event.

That is making me feel a bit better.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 11/04/2025 22:05

A colleague of mine did this. Just her her husband and their 2 teenage children.

First everyone knew was a WhatsApp or FB post with some photos

I believe a few people were put out but most folk were delighted for them

Original poster
NoDramas · 11/04/2025 22:06

And while I slowly typed and proof read Toastofthetown said what I feared.

OP posts:
Lundier · 11/04/2025 22:08

It wasn't traumatic for my sister because I have never said anything to her about how I felt.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 11/04/2025 22:09

Which is why some people keep things quiet. It's about the couple's choice, not an obligation for everyone else to have a day out at their expense.

Ahhhhhbisto · 11/04/2025 22:11

We had a registry office wedding just as and the kids. We didn't tell anybody before hand. Afterwards we rang round/visited people and told them. Everybody was happy for us (to our faces)! We didn't delay telling anybody after the wedding.

Congratulations OP. Enjoy your day.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 11/04/2025 22:11

NoDramas · 11/04/2025 22:06

And while I slowly typed and proof read Toastofthetown said what I feared.

It's YOUR day. Do as you two choose without any obligation to anybody.

Ahhhhhbisto · 11/04/2025 22:11

*us

autisticbookworm · 11/04/2025 22:14

If it was my child or parent I would be extremely hurt that they didn’t tell me in advance, anyone else I’d be fine.

GroovyChick87 · 11/04/2025 22:14

I know 2 married couples who have done this and for both of them it caused a lot of upset and family arguments.

TheFenceIsInTheAltogether · 11/04/2025 22:14

toastofthetown · 11/04/2025 22:01

If my parents or siblings got married without me knowing I’d be hurt by it. I’m very close to my family, we’re in daily contact and if they got married without mentioning it then I’d probably assume that we weren’t as close as I’d previously assumed and it would probably hurt my relationship with them a little. I’d say all the right things to you though and not tell you that I was upset by it. It wouldn’t be about a bruised ego though, as you say in your OP.

This.

It's not a choice between a secret marriage or a massive party for 500, is it?

Why can't you just have your kids/siblings?

Or if it's not an issue as you believe, why keep it secret at all, and not just be open about going away to get married just the two of you?

I think being honest about it beforehand is less hurtful. The whole secrecy thing is just really unnecessary.

Lundier · 11/04/2025 22:16

To be clear - I would not have been hurt if my sister had told me she was getting married in a registry office and didn't want anyone to go. I was hurt because she didn't tell me.

And it's just - it's her choice to do that! It's completely her choice. That's the choice she made. But that's what it means. Like, relationships mean something. If you treat everyone, your own kids, your close family, like just randoms, then that's... that's what you're choosing.

Mrsgreen100 · 11/04/2025 22:16

If you have children, personally I would tell them prior , and throw a lunch party or similar
post day to celebrate with them

Pancakeflipper · 11/04/2025 22:19

My in-laws got married without telling anyone.

All.their children (who were all.in their 30's and consider the.selves close to parents) were all sad to have not been told/been there. My DP says he knows it was their choice but he'd have loved to have been there and was incredibly sad when they told him (but acted happy in front of them).

Tophelleborine · 11/04/2025 22:20

Yep, we did this - didn't tell family until after; they were surprised and pleased for us. They know us and understand that we were never going to want a wedding. I genuinely don't understand why people get offended by this - marriage is essentially a piece of admin between the couple involved, there's no obligation to include other people if they don't want to.

Pottingup · 11/04/2025 22:21

We did but I told my sister before - she wouldn’t have been able to come because of distance. Then we had our surviving parents and our children there but only told them a week before. The rest of my family I told afterwards just explaining that we didn’t want a fuss and they seemed ok about it.
The receptionist at the register office when we went for the pre wedding interview knew me by sight and knew someone in my friendship group. She told her friend (I thought there would be some kind of confidentiality thing) who told a whole lot of other friends. I was quite pissed off.
My friends were ok mostly I think. One went no contact around this time though and I don’t know if it was related. I just said we really saw it as an admin thing.
I’m not sure that DH has ever told most of his friends we’re married though.