Getting married in secret…when and how do you eventually tell people? And how will they feel?

[NoDramas]

We are a mature couple. We are considering finally getting married after many decades together. We don’t want a big day for a variety of reasons. We are considering something simple at the registry office with just witnesses.

Our dilemma is telling people at some point after the event. We have decided that we would not announce it beforehand again for a variety of reasons. There are family and friends to consider.

Have you been in this position? How did you do it? Were there a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos at the exclusion and subterfuge.

Alternatively have you been on the receiving end of this scenario and you only found out about close relatives or your friends getting married afterwards? How did you feel?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

I imagine our friends would be happy for us and mildly miffed about not being able to celebrate the occasion with us.

Marriage is about 2 people

when you said "mature couple" I was thinking 70+

mum has two sets of friends who did this at that sort of age.

but you've mentioned parents. They are the most likely to be upset are they?

I wouldn't let it put you off but you might need to gird yourself. Or ..don't tell
them?

one of the couples only let people know when they felt it essential (knowledge of illness became public). The otther couple wore rings but didn't tell anyone till someone noticed.

no parents and no kids involved.

I’d be so angry and hurt if my mum got married and told me afterwards. I just couldn’t understand why you would do that to your children.

I also wouldn’t get married and not tell my children before hand. I’d want them there,

one of my best friends got married in secret, she told us the night before and neither friend were happy for her as he was abusive and manipulative, marriage didn’t last very long. But unfortunately our friendship is fractured due to the control her husband had over her. We feel he wanted it in total secret so as we didn’t influence her bot it.

My view is that if you just present it as you’ve taken care of a bit of legal business, people will be more accepting than if you do the “surprise!” announcement after and expect them to celebrate. You can keep your feelings as secret as you keep the ceremony.

No, you don't have to include people, but why keep it a secret?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

And so you should be. I think it would massively piss off your children. Why can't you do what @TheFenceIsInTheAltogether suggests and just have your DC and parents there?

None of the posters whose parents got married in secret were happy about it.

That should tell you something.

We did it. We just sent text and rang people the next day.
The responses were a mixed bag, nobody was particularly excited or anything. We had been together over a decade, so some just said they expected us to do it that way one day. Some were put out that they weren’t invited, some announced it on social media before we had chance to like a sort of pay back for not telling them and stated that we had broken peoples hearts doing it that way, and 2 of my friends reduced contact with me and it’s never been the same since. I spoke to both of them a few weeks before the wedding and they felt betrayed that I hadn’t told them. That was one of the sad side effects.

Thank you for all the comments and viewpoints. I’m glad I asked for some input. And now I have something to cogitate on!

Geography and family dynamics/history make the situation less than straightforward.

I have tried to put myself in the position of an unwitting relative and something in me just prevents my empathy. I think it’s a self defence mechanism. I mean I can understand entirely why anyone would be upset and hurt but equally I can’t bring myself to discuss it with them.

That is not meant to sound cryptic but there’s always more to these situations than meets the eye. No drip feed, nothing terrible, just life events and personalities that wear you down.

My Dad did this with his second wife, told us all after, it was fine. But we are not a family who are much into big celebrations and a lot of fuss. They'd been together a long time & I'm happy that they're happy. It does mean I can't for the life of me remember even what year it was, though, let alone an anniversary date.

I’ve been upset and disappointed to find that people I’m close to have secretly married. I’d have felt better about it if they’d told me first so I could have thought of them on the big day and wished them well.

My Dad and his third wife eloped. I was truly delighted for them but hurt at the date they chose though I tried not to let that bother me too much. (Close friends think the date was weird too)

A friend of mine got married to her long term boyfriend a couple of years ago. We had been out to lunch together a few days before and she hasn't said a thing. I was hurt but like pp have never told her.

We did this but took our DC and two close friends as witnesses.

I wouldn’t say we are particularly close to our families but we did get a lot of negative comments. DHs sister is quite secretive herself, for example she was in a serious relationship for a few years and didn’t tell us, which is fine her choice, but when we got married she was apparently very upset, didn’t tell us herself, another family member told us.

I got a few comments from my side of the family but they would probably been the same ones commenting on being invited and the cost of new outfits, time of work etc.

there’s no pleasing everyone that’s why you’re best just pleasing yourselves by doing what you want to do

Well it's not a secret now! But we didn't tell people beforehand because...I'm not sure why exactly. Because they'd want to come or try to persuade us to turn it into something we didn't want, perhaps? Because we just wanted zero fuss and didn't want to discuss the details with anyone. Because it was just our thing.

I’ve been ‘on the receiving end”. I found out recently (through someone else) that my closest friend (for 50 years!) got married during lockdown to her long term partner. I’m happy for them both and will never ever mention that I’m sad she didn’t feel she could share their news with me (and still hasn’t). I’ve suspected for a while but hope she’ll tell me when she’s ready.

We framed it as just getting our affairs in order. People were surprised but not hurt.

That's really kind of you, but if they'd wanted well wishes or people to think of them they'd have told everyone it was happening - but they wanted it to be private. It was about them, not you.

It’s nobody’s business. Just do it and don’t bother telling people, unless it comes up naturally.

The daughter of a very close friend of mine eloped. She announced her marriage as an aside at a family do. My friend was devastated. It was so hurtful. If you are going to elope please don’t do a big announcement in front of loads of people, tell people in private. I don’t know why you can’t have a celebration with your nearest and dearest. Why cause hurt and upset to the people you’re meant to love?

I minded ( but didn’t say so) when my best friend did this - what really hurt was that she asked some neighbours to be the witnesses. I’d have been fine if she’d just asked some random strangers from the street.

My aunt did this, l was one of her witnesses when l was 16, it didn’t go down well with the family. My brother also did this but he’s painfully shy, his wife’s parents were witnesses, my dad who was very ill with cancer was devastated.

Relatives, parents, fine.

I don't think that I would do this with young adult children though. They are at a fairly challenging age IMO, finding their way in the world. Navigating new relationships etc. Not to mention that this does have a direct impact on them - they are getting a step parent.

I think you need to invite them. And I would just do a small registry office do. You surely can't have that many kids between you? Maybe 4 of them? Just ask them to come to a really quiet small quick low key reg office do if they want to. Otherwise they could very well conclude that you don't really care about them that much. I have young adult children and one of my parents got married when I was a young adult.

My oldest friend did this. Except she told no one. He was diagnosed with a terminal illness (years later) and I was giving her pain about making sure she was financially ok, and was recognised as his next of kin. They'd been together for over 30 years and he was quite wealthy.

After going on about this for a while, she leaned over the table (we were having lunch at the time) and said "we got married over 10 years ago".

I laughed. It was so like them. She loves a party, he verged on social anxiety. So the fact they did this secretly was pat for the course for him. Their adult children didn't know either. Apparently both of them were quite cool about it, once she told them.

People come in all shapes and sizes, unless their behaviour has a direct impact on me, I tend towards the "shrug, live and let live" way of things.

Yes this.

I did get married without telling many people. We just had parents and siblings and they didn't say a word to anyone else until afterwards.

I've had cousins and friends get married in similar ways without telling me and that's fine. An 'oh congratulations' moment.

But if it were my parent I'd feel very differently. Even if they just wanted it to be the two of them, I'd be hurt not to know.

I didn’t tell my family and friends when I made or amended my will. Not a secret, just a regular and boring part of being an adult.

I didn’t tell my family and friends when I remortgaged. It wasn’t a secret, it just didn’t need a discussion.

I haven’t told my family and friends when I register deaths. I tell them about the death but I didn’t say I have an appointment at the registrar at 3.45 on the 12th April to register it.

I don’t tell my family and friends if I have a doctors appointment. I might mention I have a bad knee but I don’t tell them I have an appointment for physio on Friday at 9. It’s irrelevant really.

I will not be involving my family and friends in a wedding. I have told them that I have a partner. We’ve been together 25 years, they know him rather well. I don’t need to tell them that we signed a legal document designed by the government to legally define our relationship six weeks ago on Sunday. It doesn’t change anything. It’s not relevant.

I think doing a big reveal and expecting people to be happy is strange. If you want to be married, be married, if you want to do it just you, do it just you. No need to mention it at all.

One of my closest friends did this and I was gutted, I obviously didn’t say anything to her but it did hurt my feelings.
I personally don’t understand why it has to be a secret, you could just have a v low key wedding with v close family and friends and go to the pub for a drink afterwards?