Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Weddings

Chat to other Mumsnetters on our Wedding forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Getting married in secret…when and how do you eventually tell people? And how will they feel?

134 replies

NoDramas · 11/04/2025 21:28

We are a mature couple. We are considering finally getting married after many decades together. We don’t want a big day for a variety of reasons. We are considering something simple at the registry office with just witnesses.

Our dilemma is telling people at some point after the event. We have decided that we would not announce it beforehand again for a variety of reasons. There are family and friends to consider.

Have you been in this position? How did you do it? Were there a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos at the exclusion and subterfuge.

Alternatively have you been on the receiving end of this scenario and you only found out about close relatives or your friends getting married afterwards? How did you feel?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

I imagine our friends would be happy for us and mildly miffed about not being able to celebrate the occasion with us.

OP posts:

Dogaredabomb · 14/04/2025 03:24

CurlewKate · 12/04/2025 08:48

If you don’t want anyone there and it’s purely for tax reasons then why tell people at all?

I agree with this. I'd go further and pop into the registry office in everyday clothes for a civil ceremony.

Or, have a very small wedding with dc and parents and a pub lunch afterwards. But just dressed in whatever clothes you like best.

I think it's the in between that's problematic.

Pepperama · 14/04/2025 03:45

One more where hurt was caused. We did and the closest relatives were really very upset. Not that there wasn’t a big wedding but that we’d not told them beforehand so they could think of us and wish us well. Feel really guilty about it. For us it felt like not a big deal at all, just something that felt prudent to do during Covid, in case something happened to one of us. Registry office with a couple of local friends and straight back to work after.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/04/2025 07:19

CarpetKnees · 12/04/2025 15:43

I genuinely don't understand why people get offended by this - marriage is essentially a piece of admin between the couple involved, there's no obligation to include other people if they don't want to.

I think, if this ^ is what you think of marriage (and, from her last post, I suspect that is what the OP feels), then I am not sure why you'd need to worry about 'how to tell people afterwards'. Most of us don't tell people we've just sorted out our life insurance or written our will or any other life admin.
I can understand, if you've been together decades and have grown dc together, all without getting wed, this might well be the situation. So, if that is the case, then just do it, in the same way you might make an appointment with a solicitor. You don't need to tell anyone.

However, if you are thinking it is a big thing, that you want to get right about how to tell people, then you are acknowledging it is a far bigger thing than life admin. In which case, if you have a normal loving relationship with your dc, I think it is pretty hurtful to get married without inviting them.

But that’s not the question op asked is if? They know how they feel about getting married, what the op isn’t sure about is how her nearest and dearest will think about it. If they all think “it’s just admin” then it’ll all be grand. But if not, then they will have caused hurt and upset. And while the op isn’t responsible for other people’s feelings, nobody wants to hurt those they love surely?

Londonwaiting · 14/04/2025 07:26

There is no way I would keep this from my kids.

I would expect people to be hurt by this.

I only know one person who did this and her family were very hurt.

Keeping secrets from people normally is hurtful. It tells them they don’t have the relationship with you they thought they did. It can really permanently change how people feel about you.

HopingForTheBest25 · 14/04/2025 13:30

heldinadream · 12/04/2025 10:10

Break it down. The wedding is a party. Getting married is creating a contract and legalities. Being married is the ongoing relationship. Getting married and being married are for the couple. The wedding is for the couple plus associates. But if the couple want the getting married and the marriage, but not the wedding, no-one really has the right to insist that they have one. That's other people wanting something from the couple that the couple themselves want nothing to do with.
So break it down and explain it like that to anyone who objects.
Not that that will convince them, but it will be clear where you are coming from.
But we don't want a wedding we just want to be married.

I think this is a really helpful post. Stress that it's about legalities and not a wedding in the traditional sense. I think that might go a long way to helping people not get offended

titchy · 14/04/2025 13:42

If it’s just being done as a tidying up of admin (and I agree that is immensely sensible), what’s the issue around keeping it a secret till after the event?

Why wouldn’t you just message or tell your kids and parents ‘Just to let you know now that we’re older we’ve been looking at our financial affairs and have decided to get married as this means neither of us has to deal with IHT or whatever. We’ve booked it for next month and as we regard it as a purely legal admin thing won’t be doing any sort of celebration or party or inviting anyone. It’ll be a 10 min in and out during lunch break.’

user1492757084 · 15/04/2025 17:22

My sister and her term boyfriend of 15 years decided to marry. They hired a celebrant and caterers to their garden and, dressed in garden party type clothes, allowed all their siblings, children, parents, nieces and nephews and a couple of friends to witness the wonderful occasion.
My sister didn't think that she would feel any diffferent but, in fact, she did. We all as a family too welcomed calling her partner, brother-in-law, and his children, cousins and nephews etc. Sometimes formalising a relationship is liberating.
It was delightful. My sister loves her wedding ring and memories of the day.

I wish you a reflective celebration, Op.
All the best in however you decide to officially tie the knot.

Laura5437 · 15/04/2025 17:28

I got married recently without telling anyone. The main driver was the changes to pension inheritance and not wanting our DS to be left with a hefty tax bill.

We’ve been together for nearly 20 years so most people assumed we were married anyway. We haven’t told anyone after the event either as it doesn’t change anything other than our tax position.

A few of our friends have done likewise and also not told anyone beforehand. Again for tax purposes so nobody really cared either way when they did eventually tell people.

PishPish · 15/04/2025 17:31

titchy · 14/04/2025 13:42

If it’s just being done as a tidying up of admin (and I agree that is immensely sensible), what’s the issue around keeping it a secret till after the event?

I agree in principle, but I can absolutely assure you that my mother, when asked quite clearly to respect the fact that someone doesn’t want to celebrate something, thinks they are ‘being polite’ and ‘don’t mean it’ (because that would be the case if it were her), and will pull some grim, half-assed ‘celebration’ out of the bag, expect the person/people to pretend to enjoy it, and get incredibly irritated if they didn’t (‘You always twist everything so that I’m wrong!’) etc etc.

Not telling her for years was definitely the right decision for us.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6