Getting married in secret…when and how do you eventually tell people? And how will they feel?

[NoDramas]

We are a mature couple. We are considering finally getting married after many decades together. We don’t want a big day for a variety of reasons. We are considering something simple at the registry office with just witnesses.

Our dilemma is telling people at some point after the event. We have decided that we would not announce it beforehand again for a variety of reasons. There are family and friends to consider.

Have you been in this position? How did you do it? Were there a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos at the exclusion and subterfuge.

Alternatively have you been on the receiving end of this scenario and you only found out about close relatives or your friends getting married afterwards? How did you feel?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

I imagine our friends would be happy for us and mildly miffed about not being able to celebrate the occasion with us.

It is a bit more complicated with a second marriage though in terms of next if kin, wills etc.

I am the child in this scenario and love my stepdad but he has an adult child with autism and when the time comes, it's important that we all know how everything stands especially as his son will find the legal aspects more difficult and it needs to be fair (they've made provision for this well in advance).

No. That’s why I said “if”. It’s not the size of the wedding I care about. It’s the secrecy. The being excluded. That’s what would hurt me.

Sorry I missed your update that they are joint children. That is less complicated then.

Could you tell them (children not the problematic relatives) a few days before that you will be doing it (but not when or where). Get married on a Wednesday and book an immediate family meal for the following weekend. Just a normal dinner out, no wedding stuff but something that lets them mark it with you without the need for dresses, flowers or faff?

Do tell your children. My DC found out that my exH had remarried from someone they met in the street. It was a neighbour of his who had seen them arrive home after the event. It was incredibly hurtful and the shock of being told like that was really upsetting for them as they were still children. He did have a big wedding with wife number three and invited them. Maybe he realised his mistake.

I think there is a happy medium where ye get Married in secret, have the vows just for yourselves. Invite people who matter to a meal after and announce the secret then.

Doesn’t have to be all or nothing imo

You think that what I wrote was a targeted and personal attack on you? I form opinions based on lots of things, mostly my life experience. You are not part of my life experience.

Just wondering how would you feel if one of your kids did this? Like would it genuinely not affect you?

It's interesting reading the replies from people who did it and think everybody was fine about it vs the people saying they were on the receiving end of it and very upset but didn't let on. Do the people who did it in secret REALLY think everyone was fine about it??!

I didn’t know my friend got married till she uploaded the photos to her Facebook, it hurt me. I congratulated her of course, but it was the kinda finishing straw between our friendship and we don’t talk anymore. It was her choice to make and I respect that, but it did really hurt not knowing about it and finding out via social media.

Thank you Heldinadream, you have succinctly captured my feelings.

We don’t want or need the “party”. We have the “being married” relationship down pat and have done that successfully for 30 years, we just need to sort the “contract and legalities” for the powers that be as we enter the sharper end of our lives.

I would be quite content to keep the facts to ourselves as some people have reported they or others have done. He is keener to be open and honest. I am trying to mentally negotiate how and when that happens and what it looks like.

I am genuinely concerned about people’s feelings but then people can surprise you in that those you think wouldn’t be bothered turn out to be very bothered and vice versa. Then equally I’m trying to balance it with that this is fundamentally about us and who we are.

Cogitation ongoing…

Lundier I’m sorry if you’ve been given a rough time on this thread. I do appreciate you sharing your situation even if now regret it.

We did this. The day after we sent individual messages letting everyone know. Everyone who knew us as in knew us well completely understood. This was our way, they understood that so absolutely no issues. I think everyone needs to remember it’s what the couple getting married want, not how they feel.

I find it a bit odd (with no disrespect to those who have been upset about it) when people assume it has anything to do with them why a couple chose to get married without their knowledge. Even the smallest most intimate wedding with just your siblings and parents, for example, could have e.g. 4-10 guests. Why would any single one of those assume the couple getting married was a specific hurtful thing to them personally? To take a day that is about two people and their relationship and make it about your feelings, your invitation, your relationship with one of them... it's self-centred.

OP, quite a few of my friends and relatives have eloped - with one exception where the bride's mum was upset not to have been there (and got over it about 3 days later!) everyone I know has been happy for them. I hope the same will be true for you :)

I would say,to the couple hope it went well and move on, other people marital status is not that thought-provoking

My aunt and uncle got married in secret (not even their children knew) with 2 friends for witnesses. They went on holiday straight afterwards. When they arrived they phoned and told everyone. Everyone was happy for them as it was second time for both and they didn't want a fuss. The exception was my grandmother who took it as a personal insult and went on about it till the end of her days. It was just one of many, many things she enjoyed being offended by!

Congratulations on your engagement!

We had planned to elope, situation being that we’d:

• been together for years and felt it was the right time for us
• had family dotted around the country, bringing everyone together for a modest wedding was going to be a logistical nightmare.
• had experiences of recent ‘traditional/ proper’ weddings either side of the family. Saw how it turned previously reasonable relatives into bossing everyone around being quite bitchy and watched the costs spiral, and turn into a “appeasing everyone” situation that made no one happy and the bride and groom end up as props…

So we discussed it, and planned on going away and telling everyone after. Covid happened, then my dad got cancer and sadly died not too long after he was diagnosed.

I told my dad that we were engaged and he told my family (after we’d asked him
not too!) so they were prepared.

My husband didn’t want to tell his family as he knew it would turn into ‘a thing’.

We got an elopement package, so went away. In-laws found out whilst we were on honeymoon, as they picked up our post and there was a registry office address on the back of an envelope… they were upset, which was understandable.

Said they could have liked to have been there, which I get, but we said that we chose an elopement package as we didn’t want a wedding.

If they’d have come, it would have been unfair on me to have had no one (my parents are both dead), so I would have wanted my aunt and uncle there (they treat me as their daughters, we’re very close).

They live with my Nana, so she would have wanted to come, then it would have just spiralled into everyone coming… so we just kept on repeating, either everyone comes and we have the wedding we don’t want (both shy) or no one comes and it’s fairer all round.

We set the tone by telling everyone in person when back, showing photos and bringing cake around to make it a celebration. I even bought my wedding dress to my Nana’s.

Had a few comments from in laws, but shut them down by saying that yeah it was a pity, but at least they can see the pictures and choose to be happy for us, my dad can’t.

Everyone else seems to have understood it was very us, we’ve been together for so long it’s the same relationship but formalised, and life goes on, the spotlight soon went on someone else!

Hope this helps, and you have a lovely time whatever you end up doing xx

We were together 28 years and then got married 18 months ago. Our 2 adult DC were witnesses. No one else was there. We haven't told anyone else. We don't intend to announce it at all, but if a family member said something like "you've been together ages are you not marrying?" we would say we were already married. No idea on their reaction as it's not come up yet. We regarded it as a legal thing for inheritance tax purposes.

Edit: just to add we didn't swap rings so there is no external signs.

Exactly. I don’t think I gave mine a second thought for years after we got married. Life continued exactly the same. We’d been a happy, committed couple for many years. We married in 2011, and a good mutual friend just recently said ‘I had no idea you got married!’

Look at it this way. I was not holding a celebration of a major life event and not inviting people to it because I don’t value them. I was signing a piece of paper in jeans on my lunchbreak. If we had invited people, it would have ended up being Very Significant in a way it simply wasn’t for either of us. There was never going to have been a white wedding with bridesmaids and speeches and a reception and speeches. That was just not an option. Neither was 20 guests and a restaurant lunch. We were only ever going to marry the way we did.

And bluntly, my feelings about my own marriage ceremony are more important than other people’s.

I was a witness at a wedding a few years ago, an older couple who had had a religious ceremony years and years ago but never formalised the "legal" bit and didn't want to tell their families that they'd never been legally married. I've no idea if they told people in the end but it was one of the most moving weddings I've been to and I'd only met them 30 mins earlier.

My parents have friends who had been together for years and years. He got sick and they decided to get married to make the admin easier if he died. They didn't do a formal announcement after the wedding, they just sort of drip fed it as and when they saw people. As far as I know, the only person who was upset was one of their adult dc who says she would have loved to have been there. He recovered and is still going strong and they never really talk about the wedding.

If you’re getting married in secret , presumably for legal reasons, do you need to tell anyone about it afterwards?

But I had a small wedding and it was still a load of hassle. In some ways I wished we had eloped.

I genuinely don't understand why people get offended by this - marriage is essentially a piece of admin between the couple involved, there's no obligation to include other people if they don't want to.

I think, if this ^ is what you think of marriage (and, from her last post, I suspect that is what the OP feels), then I am not sure why you'd need to worry about 'how to tell people afterwards'. Most of us don't tell people we've just sorted out our life insurance or written our will or any other life admin.
I can understand, if you've been together decades and have grown dc together, all without getting wed, this might well be the situation. So, if that is the case, then just do it, in the same way you might make an appointment with a solicitor. You don't need to tell anyone.

However, if you are thinking it is a big thing, that you want to get right about how to tell people, then you are acknowledging it is a far bigger thing than life admin. In which case, if you have a normal loving relationship with your dc, I think it is pretty hurtful to get married without inviting them.

I wonder if you need to tell people?

I sort of got married in secret. Having a religious ceremony later this year but it's not legally recognized so to make things easier we got the paperwork tidied away last autumn. Everyone is aware of and invited to the religious ceremony and for us that's the ceremony that matters not the simply signing of the paperwork. No one actually needs to know the date we signed the actual paperwork, that's between us and the government, our wedding anniversary will always be the religious one.

I couldn’t imagine doing something so special and not including our children.

This is lovely!!

I would treat children sensitively and tell them first.

Then for everyone else I would schedule a zoom invite and tell them it's your special online event 5 mins and then announce live!
Or (if you don't have that kind of social group) just sent a picture with text on announcing the marriage out to all your best friends and family. Let them be told personally before social media.