Getting married in secret…when and how do you eventually tell people? And how will they feel?

[NoDramas]

We are a mature couple. We are considering finally getting married after many decades together. We don’t want a big day for a variety of reasons. We are considering something simple at the registry office with just witnesses.

Our dilemma is telling people at some point after the event. We have decided that we would not announce it beforehand again for a variety of reasons. There are family and friends to consider.

Have you been in this position? How did you do it? Were there a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos at the exclusion and subterfuge.

Alternatively have you been on the receiving end of this scenario and you only found out about close relatives or your friends getting married afterwards? How did you feel?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

I imagine our friends would be happy for us and mildly miffed about not being able to celebrate the occasion with us.

We did this, had 2 close friends as witnesses that we asked 2 weeks before, rang the children, family and close friends while sitting in the restaurant afterwards before putting on social media once everyone else knew. We invited parents and siblings to celebrate with cake and prossecco later that day with us. No one was upset and guessed it is what we'd probably do. Everyone completely understood and really happy for us. It was our day and no one else's and spending less than £200 on the whole thing meant we could still have a family holiday that year.

We had also been together for many years so people could hardly have been surprised we decided to formalise, for want of a better expression our relationship.

We didn't make a big deal out of it and so neither did anyone else. Just move on from it.

I've only seen a marriage like this go wrong once when a colleague expected both us and her family and friends to be happy for her about something no-one had been invited to be a part of.

As the sister of a brother who is in a serious relationship, I know they are currently buying a house together. I live in a different country, and we are close, talk daily on social media etc, and I love him to bits, but if he sent me a message m, or called to tell em that they had eloped, I would just be happy. We could celebrate at a later date and it would be absolutely fine with me. It's totally up to the couple how and when they what to do it, and the people who love then should support and understand their decisions and be happy for them.

We did this - just remaining parents (three) and three friends. Registry office and meal afterwards. Really enjoyed it.
We had booked a venue for an evening meal/party for wider friends and family about 6 weeks after our wedding. Wrote the invites on our wedding day when we got back.

That absolutely is a bruised ego though…

if they got married without mentioning it then I’d probably assume that we weren’t as close as I’d previously assumed

Why would a couple choosing to get married with NO ONE in attendance say something specifically about YOUR relationship with them? It’s how they want to get married and is absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with how close they are to their families or how much they love them.

I found that my mother had got married, and pretended to be pleased for her, but was actually really upset - This was 15 years ago and it definitely created distance. I thought we had been very close before that. Clearly not.

And yes, this may be 'bruised ego', but the health of our relationship with our parents runs very deep in our psyches, and it's not so easy to rationalise.

We got married with just kids and DH parents. My DM was dead and DD has dementia. Told siblings and close friends immediately afterwards then put a photo of fb. Absolutely no one intimated they were upset or acted distantly, all were very supportive. TBH people who get butthurt about another adults life choice, which doesn’t impact on them, are probably so self-obsessed they’re not much of a loss.

There are loads of posters with a parent who married without them there saying they were nothing but happy for them….

Including myself. If it’s a second wedding of an older couple who have been together for decades I really don’t see the issue. If my Mum ran off and married a 20 year old man she met on holiday in Turkey then sure, that’s a problem.

But this is exactly why some choose to keep it a secret as other will say exactly this!

weddings, as it's often said on here when discussing invites etc, is about the couple, and if they want to just have the actual wedding, with no celebration angle then that's ok.

My best mates did this and put a lovely printed announcement in the post so we all got it a couple of days after. I did feel a little bit sad/left out at first, but then I had a very strong word with myself to the effect of 'get a grip, it's not about you!'. Once I'd got over myself I was very happy and glad they'd done what was right for them. I only expressed happiness to them.

A few months later they did a party to celebrate, it was a casual thing at home and it was really lovely.

I imagine his mum wasn't happy about it, but she's the type who would have found something to complain about no matter what, so at least doing it this way meant their special day was protected.

I would be really hurt if it was either of my DC who did this, especially as I’m a lone mum and we’re close.

Nearest I’ve had was my best friend from school deciding not to ask me to be a bridesmaid. I never said a word that I was hurt. She didn’t ask her sister either (acrimonious relationship) who did express her hurt, she used my reaction as a reason her sister should not be upset by her choice. We drifted apart after her wedding.

Tell/take your DC so they have a chance to say how they feel. If your relationship with parents is good do the same with them. Then it’s a small intimate wedding or they’re a part of knowing there’s a wedding before you announce to everyone else.

I think I would consider having his son there- children are little different to other family...

My brother eloped. It was very sad, though we, of course, congratulated them. We all love his wife - think they just wanted no fuss.
All of my family felt the same and quietly felt like rubbish because we were not close enough to be witnesses to our dear brother's wedding. My mother was the saddest.
It was quite a long time ago now but the feelings of joy I have when remembering my other siblings' weddings are not there and I still feel not accepted as a person in a weird way, like they don't need me as their family.

You should have the type of wedding that you desire but I think you should make space for your parents and children to be there. Your siblings will definitely want to be there too.
Think about having a pub meal together afterwards.

If you don’t want anyone there and it’s purely for tax reasons then why tell people at all?

Bluntly, other people’s feelings about a minor event that doesn’t involve them aren’t of much interest to me, so I’d have very little patience with hearing them ‘express themselves’. Essentially someone is getting outraged about someone else not having invited them to something that is, for the person doing it, akin to signing a mortgage or making a will, and the uninvited is being hurt because, to their mind, they weren’t invited to a Major Life Event. Which is probably why they weren’t invited.

I largely think that weddings are a private matter between the two people getting married and relatives/friends have no business making someone else's private contract about them.
But there are some circumstance where the couple getting wed do have to consider other people - if they are parents to dependent children for ex. In that situation I do believe the children's needs around acquiring a new step parent and adjusting to a blended family should be more of a priority than the couple's personal preferences because children should be at the forefront of a parent's actions. Or if one partner has a parent who would be genuinely hurt by this and who has been a great mum/dad, then I'd question how happy a person could feel about their wedding if they'd knowingly caused upset.

But when you are talking about a couple who've been together years, have adult children and just want to quietly make things legal and celebrate privately, they absolutely should be able to without their siblings and friends making it about their own wants.

Again thank you for all the overnight responses.

I can see there are definitely people who have been hurt by what happened in their circumstances.

A civil partnership was discussed and I would have been happy with that. He stated a preference to marry and I am accepting of that.

I am quite pragmatic that this is not about starting out our life together but more about tidying up and legalising the 30 years we have already had as we now progress into the next 20-30 years we might have remaining. And yes of course, all the financial implications but also the NOK and POA implications should health and wellbeing take a nosedive.

We have never been the type of people to enjoy big spectacle or be the centre of attention. Even if we had married all those years ago I would have been mortified.

Now that I am older, frumpier, carrying much more weight etc I have zero desire to be front and centre.

There are family members that whatever we did would find fault and I want to protect myself from that.

To clarify the adult children are our children. So we aren’t choosing a new partner or family ahead of them. We have no family close by. The majority are 100’s (and 1000’s) of miles away. Likewise the friends.

I will take time to review all the posts where upset was caused. I am heartened that some small and quiet weddings turned out as hoped for.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have used the word SECRET. We are not trying to offend and exclude. If I could just wake up one day and we were married then that is what I would choose…that hopefully explains my lack of enthusiasm about fanfare and ceremony.

I haven’t told anyone that I am technically married and it has been a decade. We did it for the legal protections but nothing else has changed.

I would guess that the type of person who would be hurt by you getting married and telling them afterwards would also be the type of person who would have things to say about just turning up at the register office and then going about your day as normal. This is because they think of getting married as a big deal, when it's not a big deal to you. Their point of view is so entrenched that they are literally unable to consider other people's feelings on the matter. So either you do it without advance notice and cause hurty feelings or you have to put up with nagging about how you're doing it wrongly.

You could test the waters by starting a conversation about how getting married is just a bureaucratic thing like doing your taxes or renewing your passport and see what reaction you get back. If they dive into how it's the most important day in a person's life then you're going to have trouble no matter what you do unless you have a big meringue dress and a sit-down meal for 100, so you might as well do what you want.

I cannot lie I would be absolutely hurt if my adult dc did this. I know my elderly mom, my dc and my sister would also be crushed if I did it. I know for a fact that none of those people would tell me they were hurt but I know they would be devastated.

A distant cousin did this and because of the situation my aunt was absolutely gutted. She had kept a close eye on him as he was orphaned as a young adult added to which he had severe health issues. She worried about him a lot. When she mentioned in passing about ‘his girlfriend’ he casually mentioned it was his wife and they’d married a few years earlier. She was very very hurt, not about not being invited to the wedding (small affair) but that it took years for him to mention it.

so it very much depends on the relationship you have with people.

No, this isn't the case. This is a straw man you have conjured so you can have a good stab.

The OP asked a question. I answered it honestly because she seemed to be sincere. I am not a "big dress" person and I am not a "weddings" person. I actually really resent the unkind characterisations that keep happening on this thread. You can think differently without slagging off other people. It's not necessary to monster people. We can just be different people.

Other things I would have felt hurt about not being told by my sister: if she had a baby and deliberately kept it a secret, if she moved house or job and deliberately kept it secret from me. What is hurtful is the secrecy. To treat me as an outsider in this way - to show me she thought I would be a problem to her - is obviously upsetting if that's not what you thought your relationship was. I would not have previously kept things like that secret from my sister. That was not the relationship I understood us to have. But I found out I was wrong and now we have the relationship she wants us to have, which is that of old school friends, I suppose. Like I said, that's her choice. But the OP might not want to make that choice so I gave her the perspective she asked for.

I super regret sharing this tbh. The nastiness on this thread!

Have any of your adult children got married? Both of mine have and fairly large occasions. It took over life for a while. I

Break it down. The wedding is a party. Getting married is creating a contract and legalities. Being married is the ongoing relationship. Getting married and being married are for the couple. The wedding is for the couple plus associates. But if the couple want the getting married and the marriage, but not the wedding, no-one really has the right to insist that they have one. That's other people wanting something from the couple that the couple themselves want nothing to do with.
So break it down and explain it like that to anyone who objects.
Not that that will convince them, but it will be clear where you are coming from.
But we don't want a wedding we just want to be married.

A friend did this. She and her husband booked a holiday and got married the day before. I think they sent postcards while they were away.