Getting married in secret…when and how do you eventually tell people? And how will they feel?

[NoDramas]

We are a mature couple. We are considering finally getting married after many decades together. We don’t want a big day for a variety of reasons. We are considering something simple at the registry office with just witnesses.

Our dilemma is telling people at some point after the event. We have decided that we would not announce it beforehand again for a variety of reasons. There are family and friends to consider.

Have you been in this position? How did you do it? Were there a lot of hurt feelings and bruised egos at the exclusion and subterfuge.

Alternatively have you been on the receiving end of this scenario and you only found out about close relatives or your friends getting married afterwards? How did you feel?

I am mainly concerned how our young adult children and elderly parents might feel.

I imagine our friends would be happy for us and mildly miffed about not being able to celebrate the occasion with us.

Because no one's obliged to turn an admin task into a party, however small, just to satisfy other people's feelings about how things should be done.

Edited to add: also, in this scenario, there are going to be loads of people hurt and offended that they didn't make the "very close" shortlist. By doing it completely in private nobody has the right to be offended, because nobody has been excluded.

I would be really really upset if my children in particular got married with some random person there and not me. I wasn't able to be at my son's wedding due to Covid and it did upset me but I knew he wanted me there. The idea that he wouldn't want me there would be absolutely awful. And yes I wouldn't express that to him as I love him but I would think that I wasn't as important to him as I thought I was.

I agree with @MockTheGeek. Getting married wasn’t a big deal to me, so I wasn’t up for a big ‘reveal’. I don’t think we told anyone at all (other than my brother, who happened to phone when I was on my way to the register office, and our witnesses, and a couple of friends) for about five years, and it just trickled out gradually. No one was at all perturbed. Maybe my SILs, slightly, at the lack of party.

We married after 26 years together. We had two good friends as witnesses, had a nice lunch together, just the four of us, after the ceremony.

We didn’t make any great announcements, just told people as it arose. Everyone whom we ‘told’ ( that is, mentioned it as appropriate) congratulated us and seemed genuinely pleased for us. No one said anything adverse, they just took it in their stride.

Congratulations on your impending wedding, OP. I wish you many happy years together.

My twin sister did this. When their little boy was born we all met at the hospital to see him and congratulate them. They told us then that they had got married at a registry office a few months earlier with 2 witnesses ‘off the street.’
I was very, very hurt and upset but did not show it. It changed everything for me about how ‘close’ we were. That was 30 years ago - mostly dealt with now but the pain lasted longer than it should because she mocked me for being too soft when I eventually mentioned it.
Do whatever you feel is right for you but give your family and friends a chance to express themselves afterwards.

I had a very quiet wedding myself although not secret.

My daughter had an extremely quiet affair, my husband and I plus her now father in law at registry office. Then siblings plus grand parents for meal afterwards. It was brilliant.

One friend was very hurt but most people were genuinely happy, they then had a great celebration approximately a year later.

We did this - went away for the weekend with 2 friends as witnesses and then told people when we came home. We rang some family members but announced it on Facebook to everyone else. SIL said 'ooh we'll have to have a big party to celebrate' - err, no, that was the whole point!

As a parent I would be sad my DC didn't feel I was important enough to them to be there and as a child I would be utterly devastated that my parents wanted to do something I value highly without me.

somehow I don't think either of those feelings are about me, but about who I thought the person getting married was.

Well, or that getting married wasn’t important to him? Getting married wasn’t important to me. I didn’t want other people who felt differently to inflate the occasion. I love my parents and I’m close to them. It’s no reflection on them, or how I value them, that I didn’t want anyone around. As far as I was concerned it was a legal piece of paper.

Obviously no one knows your situation, but unless there is a massive backstory, you really shouldn’t exclude your children from at least being told, even if you don’t want them present.

I was with an ex and his brother when they got a message that their father and partner had secretly got married. They were so upset and hurt. It was about 20 years ago and to this day they have kept up the pretence to their father and his wife that they didn’t mind - but they really did. I am still friends with my ex and he told me recently that it changed the way he viewed his father and his place in his father’s life.

I think it is notable that most of the people on here saying it’s fine and no one minds are the people who eloped, but the people whose parents/children/siblings eloped are saying how hurt they felt.

Both my parents got remarried without us children present. I found it extremely hurtful. I absolutely understand not having a big wedding. But to leave you (admittedly grown) children out of a day like that signifies strongly that your new partner is more important than them and has hurt me ever since.

In the OP's case it's not a new partner as they've been together for decades - would that affect how the adult children feel do you think? (Sounds like it's their own parents)

I'd be happy for the couple and send them a big bunch of flowers and champagne.

I hope you enjoy your secret wedding, congratulations in advance!💐🍾

My dad got married in secret, saw me the day before he did it whilst I was visiting his ‘dying’ mum in hospital (she made a miraculous recovery thankfully) but then text me to tell me when he was on his honeymoon. I was in my early/mid 20s. I was gutted to be honest.
Part of that was the person he married rather than the secret (OW when my parents were still married) but the secret still hurt. Our relationship hasn’t really recovered though we do still talk every few months.

If my extended family or friends had done it, it wouldn’t have really bothered me. I think it was the fact my dad was choosing a new family and we weren’t important enough to know but her kids were. That’s reflected in many of their decisions and part of the reason me and my dad aren’t that close any more 🤷🏻‍♀️

I also think it’s key that couples that have done this think everyone is happy for them but relatives and friends report that they were hurt by it. My friend did this and it has put distance between us and frankly makes me less invested in her marriage as it’s an almost setting out of who is important in her life and who isn’t. I also recall bumping into a colleague with her teenage daughter who told me giddily that she had just eloped and her teenage daughter looked close to tears when saying she too didn’t know.

My friend had a 'birthday' party, they came out with cake and announced it then. Another friend on Facebook, when Facebook was a thing. (I think if you did it on social media it would be courteous to let your immediate family know first). They may be miffed, but immsure they'll be happy for you! Congratulations!

I would stick to your guns. If you decide to tell or invite anyone it will just grow and grow. If you just invite close family, then friends will be offended. If you invite close family and friends, other friends will wonder why they haven’t made the cut.

My husband's cousin got married without telling everyone when he and his now wife went on holiday abroad. He did invite people, on a very informal basis, down the pub when they came back though. I don’t think anyone was upset.

I think some people get a bit silly about wanting to attend weddings. I have been happily married for many years but I am also of the belief it is just signing a legal document.

Obviously you must do what you want. But you also have to accept that some people will be upset.

FIL did this - he eloped to Gretna green in his early fifties

His two sons found out when we got a postcard from Gretna signed from mr & mrs xxxxxx.

Dh didn’t even clock onto it until I pointed it out the following morning

We will do this eventually, for tax reasons. We've been together 20 years so it's purely a legal thing, it's not like people will be watching love's young dream get married full of hope for the future. We won't do a big reveal though, we'll just tell people we're now civilly partnered if it comes up. I would be baffled by anyone being upset or offended.

I have always hated the idea of a wedding, with everyone watching you. I wish you could just sign some paperwork without witnesses. No-one gathers their friends and family and wears a white dress to make a will (which we did probably 15 years ago).

We got married without telling anyone. It was what we wanted to do and I felt quite strongly that it was about us, not our families and friends.

We told everyone afterwards. (Including one parent and adult children). They all seemed pleased for us, maybe they did feel hurt, but no one voiced that.
We did consider not telling anyone afterwards too, but I expect someone would have noticed my wedding ring.

I agree. In the same way, having been on MN for a long time, some people are hurt / angry about the way big traditional weddings go.

Not announcing a will or doctors appointment is nothing like not saying about a marriage 🙄.

So much pretending on here. A wedding is a lovely thing, many people like to go and watch the ceremony. I'd always rather see the marriage take place than just go to an evening do. Of course some people would be sad not to be invited, it is a joyful occasion watching people you care about get married. It's not about not wanting to someone to have a quiet wedding.

Honestly it’s the secrecy that’s upsetting to your loved ones, not wanting a very small wedding. If you must do it, at least break it gently because some people you tell will be very hurt.