Best friend has said no partners to weddings

[EJT91]

one of my best / oldest friends got engaged recently and has invited me and my other oldest friend to the wedding. The only thing is, they’ve said no partners, because they’re only inviting 40 people. I found it a bit odd but didn’t think too much into it. My partner on the other hand is livid. He said it’s rude to do that and that my friend now won’t be welcome at our wedding when we eventually book it! I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I actually don’t really want to go without him. I genuinely enjoy his company and know we’d have a nice time, but equally I’d like to see my friend get married. It’s just really upset me that he’s said my friend wouldn’t be welcome at our wedding, but at the same time I get it? I just wondered what peoples opinions are on things like this!

If that's the rule they have made then that's up to them. 40 isn't a big wedding especially once you've factored in family. I think your OH is being a knob about it tbh. It's not like they are inviting other partners and excluding your OH on purpose. Don't be dickish and do tit for tat either. It doesn't make you/him look good.

Wow just wow. The OP's partner has not been invited to the wedding of two people he considered good friends, with whom he has enjoyed a long and good relationship.

How very dare he be upset - after all, WEDDING!

I think in this case it's understandable, they just want a small wedding.
You should be pleased they included you tbh, they could have said family only.
Not inviting her to your wedding is petty if you're having something bigger.

"Hey, my good friend of many years! I've having a party, but you're not invited! But be happy for me, huh?"

Not for much longer.

Gosh you DH sounds like my DD used to be when she didn’t get invited to kids parties. How can he be livid about this?! Your friend is having a small wedding & she wants her friend there but can’t stretch to everyone’s partners, not really much you can say about that.

He gets to choose. But he also gets to live with the consequences of his choice.

Someone receiving unexpected news doesn't get to choose how they react. You open a letter, you read what it says - you react, you don't get a choice how.

Then you calm down and then you make the choice to take the high route. But the initial, visceral, reaction never goes away.

OP's partner will forever look at The Happy Couple differently now. That is the consequence of their choice.

But the OP's partner considers himself as much a friend to the groom as the OP.

That is the source if his hurt - he's realised he is not regarded as a friend, but as OP's partner, after many years of a "friendship" he must now be revisiting and reevaluating.

Nobody has the right to exclude someone whom they've socialised with for years from a significant celebration, and then expect them not to be hurt abut it. If fact, they'd be bl@@dy stupid not to have considered this.

As the OP points out, the "very limited numbers" thing is their choice, not driven by finances. As in, they could have had a bigger do and invited more people, but chose not to. (Yeah, I know "their wedding, their choice"...)

Agreed. And could say the same about the OP’s wedding abroad. Which I imagine is going to be a right pain for a number of their guests. But it’s their choice…

But the OP's partner considers himself as much a friend to the groom as the OP.

OP hasn’t actually said that. She said he knows the couple “quite well”. Given that the OP has known the friend since childhood, I think they would have all had to spend a LOT of time together in adulthood for OP’s partner to be considered an equally close friend. And by the OP’s own admission, they don’t spend huge amount me of time together, due to distance as much as anything else.

OP even says she will only know their other close friend and the groom’s mother amongst the other guests. That doesn’t suggest she’s that involved in his day to day life. That’s not to say they’re not still close - but it doesn’t suggest the OP’s partner has spent that much time with the couple.

That's nonsense SpiggingBelgium. If we all followed your logic then nobody would invite anybody to anything and our worlds would get smaller and smaller. A wedding is supposed to be a celebration of love and togetherness.

I agree with minipie.about "destination" weddings. I do hope that, following this, OP is reconsidering the plan.

That's nonsense SpiggingBelgium. If we all followed your logic then nobody would invite anybody to anything and our worlds would get smaller and smaller.

What utter crap. How would not inviting someone to an event with very limited numbers “logically” lead to nobody ever inviting anyone to anything? If I invite two couples around for dinner, does that mean I can never have a bigger party and invite ten couples? Of course it doesn’t.

an event with very limited numbers
It's been established that there is no reason for the limited numbers. They just don't want to invite other-halves. The consequence of their action is that they will damage friendships.

If I invite two couples around for dinner, does that mean I can never have a bigger party and invite ten couples?
We are not talking about dinner parties. We are talking about weddings, which are (supposed to be) one-off events.

It's been established that there is no reason for the limited numbers.

But there is a reason. It’s not a financial reason, or a venue capacity reason, but there is one - and that’s that they want a small wedding. Why is “want” a dirty word when it comes to your own bloody wedding? As you say yourself, it’s supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing.

Do you really think inviting partners would mean just adding a few extra people? Think again. Once you expand from 40 to 50 or 60, the small wedding you wanted gets bigger - and people who understood that they weren’t invited when it was small become less understanding. One of the groom’s mothers starts saying, “Well if you can invite all your friends’ partners, surely you can find room for Uncle Tony and Auntie Pat?” The other side then want to know why aunts and uncles are invited on that side and not theirs. Then the wedding that was only going to have 40 guests ends up with 80 or 90, in a venue neither groom wanted in the first place - and the bigger it gets, the more people get offended they didn’t make the cut.

We are not talking about dinner parties. We are talking about weddings

Thanks for clarifying. I had actually caught on through the subtle hints of the subject line including “wedding”, the OP being all about a wedding, and every subsequent post being about a wedding, that we were talking about weddings, but it’s always as well to check.

My point was that you suggested that, by my logic, no one would ever invite anyone to anything. I gave a clear example of why that isn’t true.

Why is “want” a dirty word when it comes to your own bloody wedding?
As someone said above, the word "wedding" is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to behave selfishly. Most people, when hosting, give consideration to their guests - that should extend to weddings, too.
To invite the OP but not her DP, who they have socialised with over the years, is very weird.

People do have the right to invite or not to invite whoever they like. 🫣

"People do have the right to invite or not to invite whoever they like."

You missed the "and then expect them not to be hurt about it" part of the quote!

Weddings are occasions where people set out their stall as to who is important and who isn't.
Not being invited will affect how you view and interact with a person in the future. The groom is tarnishing his social life for years to come because of a choice he's making for his wedding. No one disputes that he has the right to, but it will have consequences.

You’re still studiously ignoring that they’d have to do this for several other partners too - and the fact that this could open the floodgates.

I'm studiously ignoring that you are making up scenario!

I’m not making it up though, am I? The OP has said the grooms have taken a no partners policy. They can’t make one exception just because her husband has thrown a strop.

Of course I can’t be sure of the exact extra numbers involved. Who could be? But it’s a simple fact that inviting OP’s husband would involve completely changing their invitation policy.

But it’s a simple fact that inviting OP’s husband would involve completely changing their invitation policy...
I know. Whichever way they jump now they will be in the wrong. They've landed themselves in a horrible situation of their own making.

Oh course they do. I never said they didn't. But they should expect those not invited to reconsider the quality of the mutual friendship and readjust the energy they put into the friendship accordingly.

Had an extra glass of Prosecco more than usual after a child-free Sunday night with the Mrs and felt a bit argumentative, to be honest. 😂 post-enjoyment I admit, just let it be. It is what it is. Although, it would be nice for the guy to be included if he gets along with his partner’s friend well. No harm in that, not the end of the world though.