Best friend has said no partners to weddings

[EJT91]

one of my best / oldest friends got engaged recently and has invited me and my other oldest friend to the wedding. The only thing is, they’ve said no partners, because they’re only inviting 40 people. I found it a bit odd but didn’t think too much into it. My partner on the other hand is livid. He said it’s rude to do that and that my friend now won’t be welcome at our wedding when we eventually book it! I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I actually don’t really want to go without him. I genuinely enjoy his company and know we’d have a nice time, but equally I’d like to see my friend get married. It’s just really upset me that he’s said my friend wouldn’t be welcome at our wedding, but at the same time I get it? I just wondered what peoples opinions are on things like this!

I'm actually on the side of your partner - it sounds like you socialise as couples, yet they've absolutely snubbed him (& your other friend's husband).....

Honestly, for me, I'd be reconsidering the friendship, and whether I'd actually want to go at all.

Imagine the situation reversed - how would you feel?

What?? Why does he think he has a right to be there just because he's your partner, if he wasn't with you he wouldn't be going would he. We were allowed 45 guests at our wedding so they were chosen carefully with no partners. They came to the night party, no big deal!

Oh I thought he wanted to not invite the op's friend's dp. Said something like didn't want to invite her in the op I think?

Anyway, that's hypothetical atm as no wedding booked yet

Yeah I must admit, when I really thought about it I felt bad for him. I just feel so stuck. My other friend is going no matter what, so I don’t want to be the one that doesn’t go?

Sorry I didn't see the one where you said you all socialised together sometimes, but still if it's a small wedding then they didn't have a choice really

So just for context, both of the people getting married are men. My partner has built a friendship with my friend over the years so is saying well if he doesn’t want me at his wedding then I don’t want him at ours. Ultimately the decision will fall to me because he’s my friend, but I understand where my partner is coming from

He probably considers him a close friend, just not in his top 5-10 cosest friends in his own right.

If we are assuming that bride and groom get 20 guests each, half of those are probably family, so only the top 10 friends are invited. Top 5 if each one brings a partner.

I'm lucky in this regard, that we both have tiny families and most of our friends are mutual, but even still it would be tricky.

Do they socialise in their own right together -ie meet up without you by choice, have they been on holiday together? That's the sort of level of closeness which I'd expect from your closest handful of friends.

FGS just accept the invitation, have a great time with your friend and leave the Big Diddums at home.

Livid because he isn't invited. Tell him to get a grip.

Given it's a small wedding, I would say it's normal not to invite partners. It's not personal.

Oh ignore me - it said "my friend" or something!

Now realising why some ops give people those made up names 😂. "My friend, I'll call her Florence..."

To call your partner childish (as some here have) isn’t productive. He can’t accompany you to the wedding? That’s fine and he should accept that. However, relating to your wedding should be the same. Fairness is key here and, as much as it’s horrible to exclude people, your partner is right in my opinion. He can’t come? Neither can she. Fair is fair. If that creates a rift in your friendship, maybe your friend isn’t clear on the definition of ‘fair’.

I agree. He’s entitled to an opinion and I have to think how I’d feel if his best friend who I have built a friendship with didn’t invite me to his wedding. I think it will cause some tension down the line between my friend and I as I know my other friends husband is a bit annoyed he hasn’t been invited as well. With our wedding, we’ve ensured everyone who is in a couple has been invited as exactly that, just to save any awkwardness!

I think both being men is irrelevant . I think at a small wedding then sometimes not all friends can be invited with partners etc. A friends of mine invited some close friends ( she knew lots of the spouses etc ) but it was either we weren't invited at all or were happy to go . Her budget just would not stretch and we all and to and man and woman spouses said - just go and enjoy yourselves. Also made life easier with baby sitting etc.

I am not sure a wedding is a case of fair's fair. I can see why your OH is disgruntled , but I can see why people sometimes don't have an unlimited amount of money and have to make some choices.

Just one view

Honestly, your partner needs to grow up a bit. He hasn’t been deliberately “snubbed” - NO partners are invited. Why does he think he’s too important for this to apply to him?

If I was getting married, my immediate family would account for five guests. Let’s say my partner had the same number of immediate family members. That’s 25% of the 40-guest total accounted for already. That means out of the other 75% (30 guests), I get 15 guests. Do I really want to allocate half of those spots to the partners of the other half - before I’ve even considered extended family?

As for all the posters saying “OP’s husband has the right to not want friend at his wedding given he hasn’t been invited friend’s wedding” - you do realise most weddings involve two people? The OP will be the bride - doesn’t she get a say?

To call your partner childish (as some here have) isn’t productive.

It’s true though…

Yeah I must admit, when I really thought about it I felt bad for him. I just feel so stuck. My other friend is going no matter what, so I don’t want to be the one that doesn’t go?

Why not? Friendship is basically dead now anyway. I wouldn't want to socialise with them again if I was your partner. Unless you plan to see them alone and not as a foursome. If the friendship is dead I wouldn't bother driving 6hrs just to keep up the pretence for the wedding. As well, the happy couple must know they risk people declining if they don't give them a "plus one" even if they're single, because nobody enjoys hanging around as a spare part at a wedding surrounded by people they don't know.

Why not? Friendship is basically dead now anyway.

Jesus, the drama!

Well I guess we're all different. My take on it is:

Why does he think it doesn't apply to him?
Because they socialise as a foursome and he thought he was a friend too after all this time.

Do you want to invite partners taking up half the space etc?
Probably not, but if you've good manners you will.

Doesn't he get a say in their wedding?
Well honestly, I wouldn't be marrying someone who wanted to invite a person to our wedding who had snubbed me. Tolerating crap from someone and then expected to be gracious to this person on our happy day, isn't how I'd want to start married life.

When did 'tit for tat' ever resolve an issue? It's just playground stuff.

Don't go then. If they are both your friends and you both get on with them and both socialise with them it's a bit odd to leave your partner out. But constrained with spaces.

Won't it be a bit dull for you if just other strangers, presumably family with partners?

Why not invite the newly weds over when back from honeymoon to dinner and hear all about it togetherIt much more fun, and everyone can be happy.

Does your partner think he is one of your friend's closest friends? Or does he think maybe there are 10 other people closer than him? Doesn't mean he isn't a valued friend, just not one of the closest. And if he had been invited then your other friend's partner would be too. So instead of inviting eg his 10 closest friends, your friend invites his 5 closest friends and their partners. If you had missed the guest list in that situation you might think 'no partners' a better choice.

I agree with this.

The bride is incredibly rude. Gobsmackingly rude in fact.

Your partner is right to feel hurt and vengeful. He is right to believe the two of you are a package deal and that this should be acknowledged by old friends of yours who are getting married. The bride should either elope and have nobody there or spend more and not split up well established couples.

YYY to this.

He has been snubbed rather badly by this couple. I think you need to take his feelings into account here when it's time to send out your invitations.

I wish this was the norm - that you only get an invite if you're close friend or family. It means you don't have to host a lot of people you don't know that well, half of whom don't really want to be there. It means you get to spend more time and have a bit of a reunion with your friends without worrying about whether your DP is enjoying himself. But then, I prefer simple, low key, weddings rather than a big overblown affair.

To be fair, 40 guests means that they only have 20 each to invite, which seriously limits their options.

@EJT91 has your friend getting married acknowledged that this is awkward?

Your partner sounds disproportionately angry about this. Personally I wouldn't marry him