Best friend has said no partners to weddings

[EJT91]

one of my best / oldest friends got engaged recently and has invited me and my other oldest friend to the wedding. The only thing is, they’ve said no partners, because they’re only inviting 40 people. I found it a bit odd but didn’t think too much into it. My partner on the other hand is livid. He said it’s rude to do that and that my friend now won’t be welcome at our wedding when we eventually book it! I don’t know what to do. To be honest, I actually don’t really want to go without him. I genuinely enjoy his company and know we’d have a nice time, but equally I’d like to see my friend get married. It’s just really upset me that he’s said my friend wouldn’t be welcome at our wedding, but at the same time I get it? I just wondered what peoples opinions are on things like this!

Presumably numbers are really tight. Your partner is being ridiculous. At lest you don’t have to sort childcare. He can have a fun day with the kids

I don't understand why people can't do things without partners, my husband and i may have been together what feels like a very long time (I'm joking) but we can do things without the other

Of course.but it is unusual to invite only one of a couple with whom you are friends to your wedding.

@EJT91 how old are your children and who would have looked after them if you'd both been going to the wedding? If the venue is six hours away you're going to be gone for at least a couple of days so that's quite a big ask unless you have family who are willing and able to babysit.

I think that if your venue/wedding can't accommodate all the people you should invite, then you change the venue/wedding!
It's one thing not to invite unknown partners, but excluding people you socialise with/have known for years and who are the long term partners of closest friends is both rude and hurtful!
It does send the clear message that your dp isn't a friend in his own right, so isn't valued enough to be invited. That will sting and it will affect how your dp sees him, going forward.
I know I wouldn't want to socialise/go out of my way for him anymore.

Agree with a pp that the groom has trashed these friendships by doing this and there will be long term implications once the wedding is over.

Since your wedding is abroad, I doubt your friend will attend without his husband anyway - most people would want to make a bit of a holiday out of it and wouldn't want to lose annual leave and not be with their partner.

She can do what she likes but I think it's very odd to ask people to come and celebrate your relationship whilst refusing to acknowledge theirs.

You've invited "everyone who's in a couple " to your wedding, but you're having a small wedding to keep it small and intimate abroad, knowing not everyone will come. Do you not see that's pretty much inviting people, to remove any "awkwardness", in the knowledge the invites don't really mean much because you know they won't come?
Also, why does he get the final say on who is/isn't invited to your wedding? I d nip that in the bud.

But not when you’ve made a blanket decision not to invite partners. The OP’s partner hasn’t been singled out here.

Also, why does he get the final say on who is/isn't invited to your wedding? I d nip that in the bud.

Exactly. Based on some of the responses, you’d think OP doesn’t exist!

I wonder if that’s why some people are struggling so much to understand the “no partners” decision. It’s like they’ve forgotten that there’s a second groom who is also having to make tough decisions.

He hasn't been snubbed. It's not personal. No-one's partners have been invited.

But he thought he was also a friend of the groom

Nobody has a right to be invited anywhere, and your partner being livid says more about him than anyone else.

It will actually be OP’s DP’s wedding too. So he does get a little bit of a say over who’s invited.

Maybe he thought he was a close friend in his own right.

Given it’s a long journey away I would probably decline. It’s a big ask to expect people to give up that time commitment for a wedding anyway and even more so if they aren’t even getting to bring their partner.

EJT91 · Yesterday 23:26 I just feel so stuck. My other friend is going no matter what, so I don’t want to be the one that doesn’t go
But your DP has to suck it up when he's the one not invited ... ?

You've said that there is no real reason for limiting it to 40 people, it's not a matter of finances. It's simply that they don't care about your DP.
I don't understand why you aren't more upset on his behalf.

That is my take on the situation exactly.

Some people seem to use "their wedding, their choice" like a playgroup incantation.

As if "wedding" should have magical powers to banish the personal.feelings of the people being snubbed.

If you organise a celebration for a significant milestone. Then tell close friends that you've selected a format with a cost that means only some of them can come. Those excluded get the right to reevaluate the friendship.

Why was the OP"s friend soooo stupid as to organise an event in such a way that they risked damaging long-standing friendships?

What's he worried about? The Best man? 🤔

Seeing it from the marrying couple’s perspective :

they have very limited numbers

they have to cut somehow, so it’s either cutting out partners or cutting out whole couples which would mean some close friends don’t get invited

it’s very hard to say X partner is invited but Y partner isn’t - a lot of people would be offended by this

you have chosen a wedding abroad which excludes people in a different way (money/annual leave to attend)

I would point out to your partner that some people will probably be offended that you have chosen a wedding abroad over somewhere that is easier for them to attend

And maybe the OP’s other close friend’s husband thought the same. And maybe there are two or three other partners who thought that. Elsewhere, there may be partners who are less friendly with the groom(s) than OP’s husband believes he is, but still aren’t strangers. Some posters are assuming zero middle ground between partners they’ve never met and ones they see all the time.

People keep talking like including OP’s partner means they would have 41 guests instead of 40. The truth is that none of us here - including the OP - know how many partners this affects. In theory adding partners could double the guest list! But even if that’s unlikely, given some obvious doubling up (e.g. sets of parents) and allowing for single people, it could still easily mean an extra 20 guests.

The wedding couple might have ruined two nice longstanding friendships for the sake of having a fancy (Instagram) wedding they can't afford to invite all their friends to.

How is a second marriage with 40 guests “a fancy Instagram wedding”? Surely if it was about the showing off they’d want as many guests as possible?

I think it's poor form on your friend's part not to invite him.

But if your DP's response is to be "livid" about not getting an invitation and telling you that you can't invite your best friend to your own wedding... then perhaps she has her reasons for not wanting him there?

I’d rather have another 20 guests than risk trashing friendships tbh. And cut my cloth accordingly.

@SpiggingBelgium OP says the small wedding isn't due to finances. So if this was me, I'd rather have the extra 20 people and maintain my long term friendships, than have my 'ideal' small wedding but tank my other relationships.
The wedding is one weekend, but this will have implications for years to come.

I think maybe everyone involved would think better of the groom if this was a financial issue rather than a deliberate choice.

OP says the small wedding isn't due to finances.

I know - so why are people still talking about the grooms “cutting their cloth accordingly”?

I really think people are overthinking this. It’s a blanket “no partners” rule that will disappoint some people more than others. That’s life. My parents, sibling and I were only evening guests at my cousin’s wedding because he and his wife decided no aunts and uncles. His mother (my aunt) was upset that we weren’t being asked for the full day, but the bride had five aunts - to invite our family unit meant inviting five more families. I can completely see why they made that choice.