FIL wants grandson in matching suits to groomsmen but NOT brides family nephews

[lawyer12]

I need outside opinions on this.

My FIL has offered to buy the suits (or hire) for our wedding. At times he's said he's not buying the best man or grooms man suit - not sure why.

He has said twice now that he's told HIS grandson (so my fiancés nephew) that he will be MATCHING the groom. When this was first mentioned, because I have 3 nephews on my side, I pointed out that we weren't having page boys and if he was dressed matching it would look like we'd snuck him into being one.

My fiancé has said he doesn't mind or have a preference on if he matches or not. I said, if he matches, I'll tell my dad which suit to buy and he can buy it for my 3 nephews. My fiancé has blown up any time we discuss this and say he doesn't want the boys matching him as we're not having page boys.

I've explained that that's fine, he can just tell his dad not to match HIS nephew (obviously, still buy him a suit!) so then none of them match?

I have pointed out that if HE (my fiancé) doesn't care and only his dad and I have any sort of opinion, then mine (as the BRIDE) trumps his dad's wishes?

It's not offensive to politely say, he can be dressed to the nines but we're not having page boys and it would look like he was, so he can't match me. I think my fiancé doesn't want to even say that to his dad but finds it offensive when I say ok, then I'll mention it?

I've asked my sister what her thoughts were if out other nephew has a matching suit and she immediately said "I thought you weren't having page boys" so it's not just me (she was offended if her two sons and my brothers son were then excluded). I can't however rely on her unbiased opinion...

My fiancé has now gone as far to say it won't even be noticed because we wouldn't get a "full family shot" with both sides so it wouldn't matter but would look nice in his side photos. I pointed out perhaps I want MY nephews to match him in "my side". You can imagine even this comment has sent me reeling because we're meant to join together - I am not signing up to join some "firm" and abandon my family. This has almost come down to principle now and I've said if he thinks he can "hide" his nephew having a matching suit, he can't and I'll just call the store and get my dad to match the other kids. Simple. No hassle for him. He has gone ballistic everytime it's mentioned. I really don't know what to do.

How do I approach this? And sadly I don't think speaking to FIL will work.

Thanks in advance!

Why are you marrying someone who goes ‘ballistic’ when you try to talk to him? He sounds like a prick to be honest and he is putting his father’s wishes above yours on your own wedding day.

I'm missing the point but little boys wearing suits looks bloody awful.

It's yours and your fiancés wedding, why don't you just buy the outfits for all concerned and thank your father in law and your father for their generosity but would rather it was spent on less emotive things such as money towards the photographer etc

You take some time to rethink your marriage..... Bullying you to get his own way before you even say you vows doesn't bode well imo.

Huh?

Page boys follow you down the aisle like bridesmaids. If your fiancé’s nephew isn’t doing this, he won’t look like a page boy.

Buying this kid matching suit is a bit naff but it’s not really any of your business. It doesn’t matter or mean anything.

No you can’t insist your FIL buys suits for your nephews. it doesn’t matter if they are wearing different suits, and on the plus side it’s less naff.

I said my dad would buy my nephews suits - I don't need or expect my FIL to do it.

I would just get your side matching and have done with it.

I agree with FIL. Grooms family boys in matching suits. Not the brides side.

If you had a neice and had her in a dress to match bridemaids it would be odd if random girls on grooms side copied that.

They won't look like page boys unless they do page boy things. If they're just in the suits then they just look like their dressed to match the family for pictures.

I'm not even sure why you're involved in the suits? Other than giving a colour theme , if there is one, this is the bit you get to ignore. Imagine if your fiancé started twittering on about what the women in your family were going to wear.

You sound a bit controlling tbh.

That's a fair take and what I was seeking but everyone I've spoken to has said he will look like page boy?

I really don't want to deal with suits at all - we've planned this on 6 months notice and I've moved jobs but FIL is very controlling and doesn't advise, he TELLS.

He said he'd pay for grooms men suits then said no, then said HE would be best man before my fiance asked his best friend.

My family is really chill - my fiance has struggled with his dad which is why he goes mad at the thought of speaking to him about it.

This is also the issue - he has a niece who is 9 and we both have nieces who are approx 1 when we get married.

It wouldn't enter my head to put my niece in a little matching or white dress and have my sister carry her because we've said no flower girls or similar and I think his mum and family WOULD be hurt ive then not included their girls?

My family all just talk things out, they don't which is the issue. His parents are nice but very tell you what to do and have the money to think they can influence things - I also have money (as does fiance) so I don't need them for that and it seems to cause issues. I am a nice person that even they say can be a pushover at times with their own son so I'm not and have never been difficult!

It's a joining of families. Grooms side and bride side. Just leave the grooms side to the groom. It's just going to cause you stress and another thing to think about.

You do your side and family. If you want your neice in a matching/ similar dress than do so. Get your nephews suits/ outfits that go with your colour scheme and will look good for your side pictures. Maybe boutonnieres to match the bridemaid flowers if they're old enough.

I wouldn't be giving this any headspace whatsoever. He's not a pageboy and you can explain that to your family, but let him whatever he (or grandad) wants. You can't really police how someone dresses. He's a child and what he wears to the wedding isn't important. Relax about it all and have a lovely day.

That said...it'd be much more worried about your fiance going ballistic about things. Make sure this man is right for you. That's the important thing here.

You seem like a bit of an online stirrer and that's fine.

Ok maybe more accurately I'm a bit of a people pleasing push over - I am also nice as a person, which putting yourself second doesn't equal.

I don't mind if you don't agree 😂

I am a nice person that even they say can be a pushover at times with their own son

So you've pushed back on something that really, truly doesn't matter that much and this is the result? Imagine what will happen when you disagree with your husband/arsehole of a FIL about something serious..... One thing you can be sure of, your husband will not support you against his father.

Thank you. This is the perspective I was looking for.

I think with my sister saying she'd be hurt (one of my nephews is severely disabled) I'm quite sensitive to her feelings. My fiance has said he doesn't want his wheelchair being decorated... hate to tell him he's 3 and I've said yes to some fairy lights....

Why doesn't he want the child's wheelchair being decorated?

He sounds vile. I don't blame you, I wouldn't be letting your future FIL make your nephews feel pushed out, particularly a child in a wheelchair. I don't think I've ever said LTB on here but in this case do you really want to be married to this man and his family?

Matchy matchy? Oh no! Just be individuals. Bridesmaids only for organising. Groom and best man organise themselves. Ushers? Who really cares? Society wedding - morning suit but they own them. Other cheep suits just look that. A bit cheap. Let them do what they want. If children are matchy matchy - just no for me but people should dress as they wish.

Stuff lights.. Would sparklers be a fire risk? He is telling you how he is op. Please listen.