FIL wants grandson in matching suits to groomsmen but NOT brides family nephews

[lawyer12]

I need outside opinions on this.

My FIL has offered to buy the suits (or hire) for our wedding. At times he's said he's not buying the best man or grooms man suit - not sure why.

He has said twice now that he's told HIS grandson (so my fiancés nephew) that he will be MATCHING the groom. When this was first mentioned, because I have 3 nephews on my side, I pointed out that we weren't having page boys and if he was dressed matching it would look like we'd snuck him into being one.

My fiancé has said he doesn't mind or have a preference on if he matches or not. I said, if he matches, I'll tell my dad which suit to buy and he can buy it for my 3 nephews. My fiancé has blown up any time we discuss this and say he doesn't want the boys matching him as we're not having page boys.

I've explained that that's fine, he can just tell his dad not to match HIS nephew (obviously, still buy him a suit!) so then none of them match?

I have pointed out that if HE (my fiancé) doesn't care and only his dad and I have any sort of opinion, then mine (as the BRIDE) trumps his dad's wishes?

It's not offensive to politely say, he can be dressed to the nines but we're not having page boys and it would look like he was, so he can't match me. I think my fiancé doesn't want to even say that to his dad but finds it offensive when I say ok, then I'll mention it?

I've asked my sister what her thoughts were if out other nephew has a matching suit and she immediately said "I thought you weren't having page boys" so it's not just me (she was offended if her two sons and my brothers son were then excluded). I can't however rely on her unbiased opinion...

My fiancé has now gone as far to say it won't even be noticed because we wouldn't get a "full family shot" with both sides so it wouldn't matter but would look nice in his side photos. I pointed out perhaps I want MY nephews to match him in "my side". You can imagine even this comment has sent me reeling because we're meant to join together - I am not signing up to join some "firm" and abandon my family. This has almost come down to principle now and I've said if he thinks he can "hide" his nephew having a matching suit, he can't and I'll just call the store and get my dad to match the other kids. Simple. No hassle for him. He has gone ballistic everytime it's mentioned. I really don't know what to do.

How do I approach this? And sadly I don't think speaking to FIL will work.

Thanks in advance!

Unless it's a really distinctive suit, I doubt that anyone will really notice what your nephew is wearing. I'd leave it alone.

He will be sitting in the pews for the wedding ceremony, he obviously isn't a page boy and he is matching male members of the family for their sides photos
As for your DHs reaction, particularly to decorating a child's wheelchair for a big family occasion, THAT'S what you should be focusing on..... It's not ( just) your FIL that's controlling is it?

God help you when you have dc.
Your fiancé and his parents will be awful.
Seriously rethink this marriage.

Would it be a option to dress your 3 nephews in the same suits/outfits and tie in the bridesmaid colour. Do grey suits with same colour tie as bridesmaids. You could also tie in your nieces dresses/outfits without putting them in a bridesmaids dress

Because he’s a grade A knob is my guess.

I wouldn’t get het up about the kid in a suit. He’s related to the groom and it sometimes happens but
Your fella saying he doesn’t want your nephew to decorate his wheelchair is nasty and well out of order.
Who would begrudge bringing a little more happiness to a little three year old’s day by refusing that. What a twatty thing to say.

Hey! Thanks for all the responses - I think I've got my answer that I need to take a pause on being bothered by his nephew wearing a matching suit.

I have a bridesman so I can match mine to his if I like I suppose!

My fiance has had therapy and a breakdown over his controlling family several years ago - my family are supportive. Deleting thread but thank you!

Doesn't he?

That's awful. Really awful.

My fiance has said he doesn't want his wheelchair being decorated... hate to tell him he's 3 and I've said yes to some fairy lights....

Oh. So it's okay for you to disregard his wishes, but not okay for him to disregard yours.
Got it.

Deleting thread but thank you!

You can't delete threads on here, OP.

Just because he has a matching suit doesn't make him a pageboy- a pageboy would walk down the aisle with you like a flower girl.

I can see where your FIL is coming from tbh, he wants to do something nice for his grandson and he is on the groom's side of the family so he would be matching the groom's wedding party. Whereas your nephews are on your side so it is different.
I would let this one go tbh.

But it sounds like you and your fiancé need to get better at communicating before you get married!

Why on earth doesn’t he want a wheelchair to be decorated?? My daughter needs a wheelchair and sadly so often feels less in every way than other kids. Your post hurt my heart.

Your “D” fiancé is a disgusting man. And it says something about you that you find him acceptable.

Controlling family? Apple and tree op.

Maybe say okay that's fine as it is your side of the family but I will be having my little niece as a flower girl as she is my side.

You will definitely regret marrying him.

It all sounds unpleasant. I wouldn't care if the nephews end up wearing matching suits. It doesn't matter and no one cares.

You are making a massive mistake marrying someone who goes 'ballistic' over something like this though. If you can't communicate with him at this stage of your relationship then how is the rest of 'life' going to work.

I don't know if you are thinking of having kids but one of the biggest things you can do for them is to choose their father. I wouldn't be choosing someone who thinks it's ok to go ballistic. Why would you do that?

If you already have kids then I guess it's too late

Your fiancé doesn't sound pleasant tbh, with all the "blowing up" and going "ballistic" over children's suits of all things. And the wheelchair decoration - what a prick.

But I don't think your guests will think he's a page boy. He won't be acting like a page boy, and I doubt most people will notice that he is specifically matching the groom's suit anyway. This wouldn't bother me at all.

Leave him to dress his nephew as he pleases. Dress your nephew's like the bridesman and the men in your family. Let your nephew pimp his wheelchair as he bloody pleases.

Are you sure you want to marry someone that you can't talk to. Honestly marriage is hard and poor communication will only make it harder. As will controling in-laws. You need to make sure you have firm boundaries with him or them otherwise what you want will always come last because it's easier to fight will and disagree with you than his parents. Unfortunately, you'll be the path of least resistance.

Love isn't enough.

You have a controlling FIL and a finance who goes 'ballistic' when you try to discuss things with him.
I'd be considering my choices!

Ignore the suit.
decorate the wheelchair, and tell your fisnce that if he gets to tell you ‘his side’s outfits are not your business then ‘your side’s outfits are also not his business and he needs to pull his head in.

tell your fiancé given how his dad is there will be times you disagree with him and when it’s about your family and especially your children (if you’re planning children) you will be the one deciding not his dad and if he doesn’t tell his dad to fuck off you will, so he needs to decide if he really wants to marry you knowing that.

Why are you deleting the thread? Mnhq don’t delete stuff just because you ask. I’ll be annoyed if they do because they refused to delete an identifying thread of mine when it was picked up be the press!

'FIL is very controlling and doesn't advise, he TELLS. '

You and your husband are adults.

I'd laugh if someone thought they could tell me what to do.

I hope your husband to be spent take after his father!

Get a backbone, it's YOURS and your partners wedding and you make the join decisions TOGETHER.

If you're arguing at this stage of sorting out the wedding then the marriage is doomed.

How old are these boys? What are their thoughts, they’ll be wearing the outfits.