FIL wants grandson in matching suits to groomsmen but NOT brides family nephews

[lawyer12]

I need outside opinions on this.

My FIL has offered to buy the suits (or hire) for our wedding. At times he's said he's not buying the best man or grooms man suit - not sure why.

He has said twice now that he's told HIS grandson (so my fiancés nephew) that he will be MATCHING the groom. When this was first mentioned, because I have 3 nephews on my side, I pointed out that we weren't having page boys and if he was dressed matching it would look like we'd snuck him into being one.

My fiancé has said he doesn't mind or have a preference on if he matches or not. I said, if he matches, I'll tell my dad which suit to buy and he can buy it for my 3 nephews. My fiancé has blown up any time we discuss this and say he doesn't want the boys matching him as we're not having page boys.

I've explained that that's fine, he can just tell his dad not to match HIS nephew (obviously, still buy him a suit!) so then none of them match?

I have pointed out that if HE (my fiancé) doesn't care and only his dad and I have any sort of opinion, then mine (as the BRIDE) trumps his dad's wishes?

It's not offensive to politely say, he can be dressed to the nines but we're not having page boys and it would look like he was, so he can't match me. I think my fiancé doesn't want to even say that to his dad but finds it offensive when I say ok, then I'll mention it?

I've asked my sister what her thoughts were if out other nephew has a matching suit and she immediately said "I thought you weren't having page boys" so it's not just me (she was offended if her two sons and my brothers son were then excluded). I can't however rely on her unbiased opinion...

My fiancé has now gone as far to say it won't even be noticed because we wouldn't get a "full family shot" with both sides so it wouldn't matter but would look nice in his side photos. I pointed out perhaps I want MY nephews to match him in "my side". You can imagine even this comment has sent me reeling because we're meant to join together - I am not signing up to join some "firm" and abandon my family. This has almost come down to principle now and I've said if he thinks he can "hide" his nephew having a matching suit, he can't and I'll just call the store and get my dad to match the other kids. Simple. No hassle for him. He has gone ballistic everytime it's mentioned. I really don't know what to do.

How do I approach this? And sadly I don't think speaking to FIL will work.

Thanks in advance!

100% this

Your partner sounds like a wanker with daddy issues and your future FIL like a chauvinistic pig wanting his family to be more important than yours
Honestly I’d see the red flags for what they are now and be thankful you caught it before you’re tied to him forever

Sorry this man and his family sound tiring as hell.
He's not sticking up for you and doesn't want a 3 year olds wheelchair decorated?

Unless there is a backstory op and you are difficult?

But there is something off in their behaviour, especially around your nephews.

His parents are nice
Well, the father isn't! He's controlling and this is a warning sign.

So is your fiancé's attitude to your nephew.

Someone dear to me married a young woman who dictated the terms of what my DS (age 4) was to wear even though he wasn't a pageboy, just a guest.
Sorry to say the marriage was very short-lived, she was a nightmare.

Please, please have a rethink before you join this controlling family.
Be strong, don't be bullied.

then said HE would be best man before my fiance asked his best friend

Have I got this right?
Your fiance's father has announced he will be best man?

I've never heard of this before. Never!

I'm with you. Either all nephews wear matching suits or none do.
DH needs to man up and talk about things to you and FIL.
FIL also needs to butt out and let you get on with planning YOUR wedding!
I would put your foot down and tell DH & FIL it's all or none

Haven't been on here long but spotted this poster on several threads using the same/similar name to relentlessly barrage OP, no matter what the subject matter.

The truth is your fiancé's nephew will look a tit, because he isn't a page boy but is dressed like them.
That said, you have much bigger problems than who wears what suit. Best of luck x

Girls on brides side match with something similar to the bridesmaids and boys on the grooms side match.

A pageboy walks behind the bride. So he's still not a pageboy.

My fiancé has blown up any time we discuss this

Why do you want to marry someone who does this?

I'd just say to his side and mine, if you want your children to match our colours, then you can. Easiest and fairest way for everyone.

None of the kids should be in matching suits, surely? They're not ushers/the best man/page boys/whatever. They're just kids at a wedding. They're not part of 'the wedding party'.

If they were girls, you wouldn't be putting them in dresses to match you and the bridesmaids, so why would you put boys in suits to match the groom/best man/fathers of the bride and groom?!

Is now a good time to add that his niece has been bought a white and pink flower girl dress to wear (and a white and gold back up)....? 🥺

Thanks for all the messages. I am reading them..

But are the bridesmaid dresses white and pink? ( or white and gold?)

Honestly I'd postpone the wedding until you're both old enough to get married

Because surely two grown adults aren't arguing over what tiny kids wear? Such an absolute non issue.

Focus on your marriage, not the party guests outfits 😂😂😂

Just tell him straight, either none of the nephews wear the same or they all do. It's not up for discussion. It's you wedding too and you do not want his nephew to look more important than yours. They are both your nephews. My nieces and fh nieces are all my bridesmaids this weekend and no way would I of had one side without the other. I think if he tried to make me I wouldn't be marrying him as we are ultimately one family.

Were it not for one particularly worrying point I'd let them all get on with it. No, you can't 'control' what little kids wear and on the day it will be obvious who is and isn't in the bridal party. A reportage-style photography format - IMO these look much a better and more natural record of a day and avoid large parties of people disappearing leaving other guests bored - will also neatly avoid certain children 'looking' as though they're in the bridal party.

Just as you can't control how your FiL dresses his golden boy, he in turn can't control what you buy for your nephews. Personally I dislike seeing little boys all got up in formal suits, but I accept that's a 'me' issue.

The thing that would have me extremely worried is the prospects of interfering, dictatorial in-laws on the periphery of my life forever, but the major red flag is your fiancé's attitude to the decoration of a 3-year old child's wheelchair. This attitude says a lot about someone's character and might well have me seriously questioning the wisdom of going ahead with the marriage at all.

Have you thought what might happen if one of your future children is disabled?

This isn't about wedding outfits, it's about control.

Your fiancé's family (particularly the weapons-grade arsehole of a FIL) sound like an absolute nightmare. You are going to be part of that family soon. Which would be tricky enough if your fiancé could even disagree amicably with them, but it seems that he can't/won't.

Do you want that life for yourself? For your future children? A husband/dad who doesn't have your back if it means any kind of conflict with his (arsehole) father? Please think carefully.

I'll say it again - this isn't about wedding outfits, it's about control.

Yeah. I'd be rethinking the whole thing. You should be able to have a sensible discussion with your life partner.

How old is this nephew? Honestly i dont think i could get so worked up over what i presume is a child and their outfit.
Do any of the nephews from either side actually care what they wear?

We didnt have any kids besides our own at our wedding but unless they are doing "wedding role" things i doubt anyone would mistake them for it.

Im not sure whats the norm but i had zero to do with the mens kilts or what guests wore because presumably the nephews are just guests? In Scotland its kilts not suits and if the groom has a family tartan, most often all the men on that side are matching so maybe its not such a big deal in that case.

Lets be honest, no ones going to care or remember what the grooms wearing never mind a nephew, brides always outshine everyone!

Why would he not want the wherlchair decorated?!? Deffo fairylights!!!

Yep no one will notice. They will be wishing the ceremony to be over because their bladder isn’t holding out, then they will have one eye on the bar. No one will care about the kid in the mini suit or what his exact job title was for the day.

You know, I personally think it’s the way he’s handled it that’s the red flag. Going ballistic over it, and kicking off saying no to these little boys wanting or doing things is the issue. I’d seriously rethink this unless you want to go through this over and over with different things your whole life

She's not insisting the father in law buys her nephews the same suit, she is saying that if he is getting matching suit for their nephew on one side then she will order the same for their nephews on her side. Personally this is the exact reason we didn't accept any monetary help from people towards our wedding.

Sorry don't agree, a wedding is about two families coming together. If there was niece on both sides and I was thinking matching dresses, you can be 100% sure they'd both be included. Both my family.

The only exclusion is if they didn't want to wear a dress etc, their ages.

If that was me, I'd have my nephew as my page boy, they're for the bride anyway not the groom. She isn't getting involved with the suit choices etc she's getting involved who is wearing the wedding suits and who's not to make sure her family is included.
I'm guessing her father is going to be giving her away, he usually if groomsmen are all matching wears the same as the groom just different buttonholes. So if father in law is saying he wants HIS grandson to match him because he's bullied his way into Best man role then surely FATHER OF THE BRIDE can have HIS grandson matching too. Not controlling at all, it's just ensuring fairness and that's there's no awkwardness on their special day. Don't let the FIL win on this or the best man thing.

OP we had my dad, FIL, husband, bestman, ushers, page boys (my two young nephews) all in same style suits. My nephew on my husband's side is much older, he was a teenager when we married and wasn't interested.