FIL wants grandson in matching suits to groomsmen but NOT brides family nephews

[lawyer12]

I need outside opinions on this.

My FIL has offered to buy the suits (or hire) for our wedding. At times he's said he's not buying the best man or grooms man suit - not sure why.

He has said twice now that he's told HIS grandson (so my fiancés nephew) that he will be MATCHING the groom. When this was first mentioned, because I have 3 nephews on my side, I pointed out that we weren't having page boys and if he was dressed matching it would look like we'd snuck him into being one.

My fiancé has said he doesn't mind or have a preference on if he matches or not. I said, if he matches, I'll tell my dad which suit to buy and he can buy it for my 3 nephews. My fiancé has blown up any time we discuss this and say he doesn't want the boys matching him as we're not having page boys.

I've explained that that's fine, he can just tell his dad not to match HIS nephew (obviously, still buy him a suit!) so then none of them match?

I have pointed out that if HE (my fiancé) doesn't care and only his dad and I have any sort of opinion, then mine (as the BRIDE) trumps his dad's wishes?

It's not offensive to politely say, he can be dressed to the nines but we're not having page boys and it would look like he was, so he can't match me. I think my fiancé doesn't want to even say that to his dad but finds it offensive when I say ok, then I'll mention it?

I've asked my sister what her thoughts were if out other nephew has a matching suit and she immediately said "I thought you weren't having page boys" so it's not just me (she was offended if her two sons and my brothers son were then excluded). I can't however rely on her unbiased opinion...

My fiancé has now gone as far to say it won't even be noticed because we wouldn't get a "full family shot" with both sides so it wouldn't matter but would look nice in his side photos. I pointed out perhaps I want MY nephews to match him in "my side". You can imagine even this comment has sent me reeling because we're meant to join together - I am not signing up to join some "firm" and abandon my family. This has almost come down to principle now and I've said if he thinks he can "hide" his nephew having a matching suit, he can't and I'll just call the store and get my dad to match the other kids. Simple. No hassle for him. He has gone ballistic everytime it's mentioned. I really don't know what to do.

How do I approach this? And sadly I don't think speaking to FIL will work.

Thanks in advance!

I suspect your fiance would also like his nephew (but not yoursl in a suit to match the groomsmen but doesn't want to have the honest conversation with you about it.

I don't really get why it's such an issue for you.

Sorry that wasn't written anywhere - we are having no flower girls or page boys in the wedding and no one was ever asked. They were all told this was the case and not for nasty reasons.

I was just using the example that if I chose to have my side niece (1 year old) carried down the aisle dressed as a though she's a flower girl and excluded his 1 year old and 9 year old nieces, his family would probably feel excluded by that. In the same way mine feel excluded by his nephew matching in all the photos. The 9 year old has never been told she would be a flower girl to miss the idea of being one, I'd not like to hurt anyone's feelings.

I appreciate the views that his nephew matching the groomsmen doesn't by most peoples standards indicate he's in the wedding and that we're excluding other kids so perhaps my siblings shouldn't feel hurt by it.

I suspect your fiance would also like his nephew (but not yoursl in a suit to match the groomsmen but doesn't want to have the honest conversation with you about it.

I don't really get why it's such an issue for you.

It's your wedding. If someone says they'll contribute then it shouldn't come with any caviats.

It all sounds grim. I'd elope and go on a massive holiday.

It's your wedding not FILs. Since the groom doesn't care either way it goes off what you want. I would absolutely be saying to FIL grandson can't match the groom. This has potential to blow up on the day depending on what your relatives are like and FIL is being unreasonable because it's not his wedding. Personally I couldn't have cared less at mine, but this isn't my wedding either.

I would get the page boys all matching and the best man matching the groom. X

Eh? Why is the father in law making any decisions? It’s not his wedding

Did you have to quote the whole OP?

I would be putting my foot firmly down now OP when it comes to your FIL's controlling behaviour. You think it's bad now? Just you wait till kids are involved, you let him have his own way over something like this and he'll take it as a green light to walk all over you.

Are you sure you want to get married when your fiancé can't stand up to his family and is already showing signs of controlling behaviour re the fairy lights on the wheelchair? Because as it stands he'll prioritise them and himself over you when what he needs to be doing is putting you, and your relationship first and be seen to be doing it before any wedding happens.

What's the problem? If he doesn't follow you up the aisle he's not a page boy.

It would be weird if a girl wore a bridesmaid dress without being a bridesmaid but a suit is a suit. Or is he wearing a waistcoat and tie to match the pattern you chose? If the groom is wearing say a navy suit and a light blue tie then I don't think it matters.

1. Don't marry someone who goes ballistic at you for anything.
2. Don't marry someone that won't challenge their family over something that's upsetting you
3. Don't marry into a family that tells you what to do or uses money to control you WHEN your DH isn't capable of standing up to them.

Seriously, don't do it. It seems huge to cancel a wedding but how can you accept this as your future. Are you gonna have kids? Imagine how they all will treat you with your baby.

It wouldn't matter because it's only pictures that are only going to his side is a load of codswallop. Everyone is going to see the pictures and everyone is going to notice that they're the same. I would match your nephew's with his nephew and say that's final. Can't have them looking like page boys when they're not and then leaving your side out. Just say you'd much prefer the boys matching at your wedding. Him exploding seems like he's promised his family things and he's not telling you. Rather than fessing up he's going defensive.

I agree with this post.

As an aside, I think suits look horrible on young boys.

But the real point is he isn’t a page boy as he has no role in the ceremony. People can, unfortunately, wear what they like and that’s what is happening. If your sister really minds, she can also dress hers in what she fancies as well. But surely you can all rise above it? A young family member came to my wedding in a suit. I thought it looked hideous but it never occurred to me to say anything. And noone thought he was a page boy ( just a boy looking naff in a grown man’s suit).

What was his reasoning for now allowing a 3 year old to decorate their wheel chair?

I think youve got bigger problems then suits.

Reading the OP sent alarm bells ringing, I'm not sure I would want to be married into a family where fil thinks he's in charge and everyone jumps to his tune.
Fiance sounds like his dad and you may well find yourself having a lot of problems once /if dc come along in the future. I wouldn't do it OP tbh.
Some run up dramas are normal but this man seems to want to run the show and potentially your lives.

I agree with you op anyone wearing the wedding party outfits is part of the wedding party. If you don't want your nephew to be a pageboy then dh needs to say no.

I'd be concerned about your future dh backing his dad over this and refusing to discuss it. Is this a common theme?

If you really want to outmanoeuvre them in the non-page-boy page-boy competition, get Dsis to dress hers in matching silk knickerbockers or sailor suits. 🤣 Which I personally think would enhance the photos more than young boys in suits.

But this really shouldn’t be causing such a big rift OP. Are you sure there aren’t deeper issues between the two families?

Why are you marrying him OP? This doesn't bode well for the future.

Yup he’s sounding more and more problematic op. Now is the time to address this ( while FIL can still get his suit hits money back!)

No, I shouldn’t joke. These guys sound controlling…There are so many miserable marriages threads on here op. Don’t become one of them. What’s nice about your fiancé? Honestly?

How much would you lose to cancel or postpone the wedding. You won't just be marrying him. Your marrying his family as well. Imagine what they will be like if you have children. Sounds like you husband has some traits of his farthers.
Why doesn't he want your niece's wheelchair decorating? I hope it's not because it embarrasses him.

Matching suits are bloody awful. Just tell FIL you aren’t doing matching so DN will stand out like a sore thumb.

All that matters is what you and your new husband want .
He should be making you happy ,not making his dad happy
I'd be thinking this is how it's always going to to be .
This would put me off marrying him

Your husband and his groomsmen/best man usually would pay for their own suits.
The fact that your FIL has offered to pay for some could be knocked back, however he should be allowed to dress like his son and also pay for a hire suit for his grandson to match him. It's a family dress code not a pageboy or ring bearer move.

You should be telling your family to all dress to impress themselves and to match each other if they wish but that you are not having any pageboys in the wedding party.