FIL wants grandson in matching suits to groomsmen but NOT brides family nephews

[lawyer12]

I need outside opinions on this.

My FIL has offered to buy the suits (or hire) for our wedding. At times he's said he's not buying the best man or grooms man suit - not sure why.

He has said twice now that he's told HIS grandson (so my fiancés nephew) that he will be MATCHING the groom. When this was first mentioned, because I have 3 nephews on my side, I pointed out that we weren't having page boys and if he was dressed matching it would look like we'd snuck him into being one.

My fiancé has said he doesn't mind or have a preference on if he matches or not. I said, if he matches, I'll tell my dad which suit to buy and he can buy it for my 3 nephews. My fiancé has blown up any time we discuss this and say he doesn't want the boys matching him as we're not having page boys.

I've explained that that's fine, he can just tell his dad not to match HIS nephew (obviously, still buy him a suit!) so then none of them match?

I have pointed out that if HE (my fiancé) doesn't care and only his dad and I have any sort of opinion, then mine (as the BRIDE) trumps his dad's wishes?

It's not offensive to politely say, he can be dressed to the nines but we're not having page boys and it would look like he was, so he can't match me. I think my fiancé doesn't want to even say that to his dad but finds it offensive when I say ok, then I'll mention it?

I've asked my sister what her thoughts were if out other nephew has a matching suit and she immediately said "I thought you weren't having page boys" so it's not just me (she was offended if her two sons and my brothers son were then excluded). I can't however rely on her unbiased opinion...

My fiancé has now gone as far to say it won't even be noticed because we wouldn't get a "full family shot" with both sides so it wouldn't matter but would look nice in his side photos. I pointed out perhaps I want MY nephews to match him in "my side". You can imagine even this comment has sent me reeling because we're meant to join together - I am not signing up to join some "firm" and abandon my family. This has almost come down to principle now and I've said if he thinks he can "hide" his nephew having a matching suit, he can't and I'll just call the store and get my dad to match the other kids. Simple. No hassle for him. He has gone ballistic everytime it's mentioned. I really don't know what to do.

How do I approach this? And sadly I don't think speaking to FIL will work.

Thanks in advance!

Agree.

Are you sure you really want to marry this mean, stingy-minded arsehole?

It is sickening to think about. If he ends up with a disabled child, will he treat it so callously?? "No decorations on your wheelchair!"

Jesus Christ, how low does a person have to be to say something like that??

I bet your hubby has indirectly agreed to his nephew being a Paige boy

Also, I'd tread carefully. If in-laws are involved now negatively, what does the future hold?
I got a hormone set of in laws and the signs were there at wedding planning stage x

I do agree with a lot of the sentiment here. But for this specific situation, it isn't up to anyone but the nephew's parents what he wears. It's actually not OP's decision what the guests wear. She can be annoyed (although I wouldn't be because I don't think anyone will notice/care what a child is wearing) but she can't stop it. If she hadn't heard about it in advance, I doubt it would be on her radar on the day tbh.

I do think it sounds like there are other, more important, issues with the fiancé though!

Yes, he sounds like a chip off the old block, doesn't he?

Beware, OP. He'll be your FIL in 20 years time.

He doesn't want your disabled 3 year old nephew to have fairy lights on his wheelchair and you daren't tell him you've said it's ok?

What. The. Fuck.

Holy shit thats bad.

It sounds like you're marrying his family not him. He's still not managed to break free.

I wouldn't if I were in your position..

Elope.

Why are you marrying an arsehole who goes
'ballistic' at you and is unkind to / about disabled children in your family?

Don't you want more for yourself in your one, precious life than being with such an unkind wanker?

To answer your question and not comment on your fiancé based on this teeny tiny snapshot of your relationship…have the boys on your side wear really nice dress shirts ties and socks. Subtly colored with coordinating ties and socks. Not silly socks colorful socks. This photographs so much better and it’s more comfy and fun. Let FIL and groom do what they want on their side. Tensions can be high with wedding planning. You sound very organized if you are discussing young
guests outfits so I’m hoping all your “boots on the ground “ work makes for a smooth day. Only worry about getting your look as perfect as you have planned. The rest will fall in place. Some people have difficult parents and may have some traits of their parents but you can still be in love with them in spite of this. Don’t mention anything about the wheelchair to your sis or groom. You don’t control that part. Do put your PIL on an information diet as you go along in your marriage and be careful with financial gifts from them being cloaked control mechanisms. Have a lovely day op 👰💍💒

I'm struggling to see the good points of the groom

This is what I thought to.

You are totally overthinking this OP.
It is up to the groom who / which men (or boys) are part of his 'party'.
It is up to the bride who is in her 'party'.
Because a groom might be close to one nephew, he does not have to have bride's nephews doing the same thing.

However, as so many others have said, your attitude over this, and your FH's temper are both much bigger concerns than what a child wears to a wedding.

OP, sometimes when men have controlling fathers they actually end up being the same. Also, as a people pleaser you need to be extra alert to the fact that you probably feel more comfortable in a relationship dynamic where your spouse calls the shots... please don't sleepwalk into a dreadful marriage here.

how did the wheelchair conversation actually go? That sounds pretty bad based on what you've written.

I think it's kind of sweet that the FIL wants the nephew to match in with the other men in the family even though it wouldn't be to my taste. Definitely not worth a row.

The wheelchair thing is awful though. Really really awful. What's your partner's attitude to your nephew? And your family in general?

Your life, your time and your energy is important. If someone goes ballistic…. Its a massive red flag. Men can only hide their true selves for so long. Its not about the nephews…. See the bigger picture. He wants to control you. He’s clearly learnt it from his dad. Misogyny is taught and embedded in certain families and you are lucky, before you go through with the wedding, before you have his children… the universe has been kind to you.

He will rob you of you your time, independence (financial, emotional, time lived on this earth) and your happiness. Walk away. The way the world is, women are better off not being attached. Maternity discrimination although illegal on paper, is still practised. Do not bother. I wouldn’t open my legs let alone marry a man who goes ballistic at me. Its him showing me that there is something wrong, incomplete and unworthy of him and my time is precious to be wasted. As many songs go… I’d rather be alone than unhappy. You will have buyers regret and I imagine that’s the only thing most women hold onto when they’re with a wrongun.
“i spent so much time, money, wasted opportunities on this man… he will pay me back when we are…” he won’t. He will
just rob you more of the same. Who’s paying for this wedding. I’d rather a registration ceremony than a show with the wrong person.

Fucking hell, I missed the update regarding your disabled nephew.

You fiance is a utter prick and your standards are through the floor.

I only hope that this is a troll post and that men like this don't really exist, never mind find women willing to actually marry them.

Your girls are too young to be flower girls so your fiancé’s niece can’t be one either? That sounds a bit mean. I’ll bet that’s one 9 year old girl really disappointed not to be a flower girl at her uncle’s wedding. How would you have felt at 9 if your uncle had done that?

I know right!

What a fucking shit show of a wedding this will be, for everybody involved.

@nuttyroche2 Why are you bullying OP?