Is it legit to ask if we can go to the church if we’re not actual wedding guests?

[Ndujauser]

Some good friends’ DD is getting married later this year, in the Abbey Church where we live. I wouldn’t think we’d be invited to the wedding, as bride and groom have a huge family aside from their own friends. However, I’d really love to see her married in the church, her dad walking her down the aisle, all that stuff. Would it be rude to ask if we could sit in on the actual service and slide quietly away afterwards? It’s a huge church, so no space problems. I don’t want to do the wrong thing, all advice welcome!

Just bc it's a church doesn't mean randoms can join in. It's invite only. There won't be space for strangers

Wrong on each & every count there.

It's a church - anyone is welcome

No, the invites are to the reception

Course there will. Churches are never filled to capacity at a wedding

@Comefromaway you got me. Lol. I honestly thought that a booked wedding was private!
Why would someone pay and then the place is filled with strangers?!
I've been to many church weddings and everyone had an invite, checked in by ushers at the doors.
I guess they have to accept them if there's space then. So why bother even ask?

Why would someone pay and then the place is filled with strangers

But you're not paying for the number of guests at the church. You're paying for use of the building regardless how many are at the service

I've never known ushers check people had an invite 😂😂 The most interaction I've ever had with an usher was to confirm bride or grooms 'side' to be directed to thd correct part of the church

I'd say probably every church wedding I've been to has had people who weren't invited, sitting at the back. As pp said often neighbours, friends of parents or sometimes just random passers by

No, a church wedding isn't private.

You don't pay for the church, you make a donation and pay for the services of the vicar to marry you, the organist etc. Sometimes the flowers are provided by the church (an army of volunteer flower arrangers) or sometimes you can have your own florist)

Ushers are a courtesy/tradition and are usually members of the bridal party. They will ask if you are there for the bride or the groom as a courtesy as it is tradition to sit them a particular side of the church. But you will usually find a church volunteer overseeing things. They won't be checking invitations (unless you are a member of the royal family and it's a security issue, no-one will be refused entry unless they are behaving in such a way to cause trouble.

You send invitations to your guests again as a courtesy, to let them know the time, day, place etc. But your wedding may or may not also be publicised on the church notices read out at the previous Sunday service or in a newsletter or I guess these days email circular.

My ex MIL came to watch me get married to DH. I was fine with it and DS was delighted to see grandma. She did check first though.

I find it bizarre that a load of randoms could turn up and fill the place, just say all the real guests were a few minutes late?!
I guess I'd never marry in a church! Buddhist temple is better. Though you're not even allowed to take photos inside the temple. Hmm...

"Wedding crasher! No of course you shouldn't ask that. Just bc it's a church doesn't mean randoms can join in. It's invite only. There won't be space for strangers."

It means exactly that and yes there will. Take it you're the type to only use a church when it's for insta likes @BobbyBiscuits 🙄

They're not "randoms". They're members of the local community taking a delight in seeing people they may or may not have known for years promising to spend the rest of their lives together. They are making a public declaration and everyone is welcome to witness it.

I find it bizarre that a load of randoms could turn up and fill the place, just say all the real guests were a few minutes late

They wouldn't be 'randoms' they'd either be someone who knows the bride or groom or a member of the church congregation

Unless you're used to going to Royal Weddings it's highly unlikely invited guests will fill the entire church. There's room for them and 'the randoms' too

The polite way of doing this used to be to wait outside to see the bride and groom come out at the end . Spent many years being a paid choir girl at weddings and random congregation members hardly ever just turned up and sat at the back . It used to be the elderly widows that did

A church isn't an accessory to a wedding @BobbyBiscuits alongside 24 matching bridesmaids and an eagle to swoop in with the ring before someone from Eurovision pops up to sing Ave Marie. They do tend to check that you understand the true significance of a church wedding before you can book one. The church I got married in was an ugly little building, but I had been christened there and I'd been a member of the church family my whole life. Perhaps that's why I'm still married 30 years later.

@TakeOnFlea I've never been on 'insta'. I go to a church if I'm invited there for a wedding or funeral. As a non Christian, I don't see why else I'd go to one?

So you're not in a position to make an informed comment then.

I had 250 guests in a church that seats 400.

I was so touched that about 25 extra people came to the service. How lovely that they cared though to come, even without an invitation to the rest of the day!

So, even without your further posts admitting it, this post shows you know nothing about Church weddings.
Which is fine, until you start pontificating about them.
You couldn't be more wrong.

Firstly, nobody is talking about randoms. If you've read through the thread, you will see that it is really normal (and really very much appreciated) for people who have known the bride or groom, potentially for 20 years or more, to go to the Church, to see them married, and wish them well. Often people like parents of the bridesmaid or friends of the parents will go too.
We are 8 pages into the thread now, and there are only about 3 of you who think this is odd.
So many people have said how lovely it is that people from their community want to come and support them on their special day.

Secondly, of course there will be space, unless it is a tiny chapel somewhere, in which case people would wait outside.

As to your other point about ushers "checking invitations" That's hilarious.
They are ushers, not bouncers. If you include the weddings where I have been a volunteer steward at my Church, and all the weddings I've been to over the last 45 years, I've never come across anyone 'checking the guest list', and I am aware there have been people who have just come to the service at most of them. (Some, I wouldn't know).

In which case I assume you would never want to get married in a church yourself. So stop commenting on what you think should & shouldn't happen in an organisation that you want no part of.

"I've never been on 'insta'. I go to a church if I'm invited there for a wedding or funeral. As a non Christian, I don't see why else I'd go to one?"

Right, your hmm comment about no cameras in a Buddhist temple suggested you'd want photos. Regardless, you're commenting on a church wedding thread without knowing anything about the etiquette of a church marriage. It's very normal for local people or regulars from the congregation to be there. Ushers should never be stood there checking invites! That's beyond bizarre

Just remembered an interesting fact/anecdote from my wedding. (Tiny church but still room for some people to stand at the back). My Great Aunts (who were not invited to the whole shindig for a number of reasons, they were invited for the evening) skulked around the graveyard outside to see who we had invited.
They were somewhat surprised by what they saw...
I married someone from another culture and we live in London (although got married 'back home' at my husband's insistence). Well the slew of multi race, faith etc etc drove them to conniption (I heard subsequently). There was an original reason why they weren't invited. Their behaviour confirmed it! I was blithely unaware until well after the wedding.

Plus often members of the actual Church !

We had several members of the normal congregation and locals attend our wedding ceremony. They had heard our banns being read remembered me from when I was a child. I thought it was lovely and invited them to the reception.

I always thought all wedding ceremonies, in a church or anywhere else, have to be open to anybody that wishes to attend. Otherwise how can any objections be made?

Some friends went and watched another friend's wedding from a slight distance outside the church, ie when she pulled up in the car and then when her and her new husband walked out afterwards.

This seems appropriate, but I'm not sure about going inside the church itself!

Back with an update. We’ve been out with the bride’s parents, and chat about the wedding was high on the catch up agenda. They said before I asked that they and their DD really hoped that lots of the parents’ friends would come to the church and see her married, then have a glass of champagne in the Abbey hall afterwards. Absolutely no awkwardness, and no expectation of being invited to the reception. Thanks everyone (except beetforever) for your input.

That's great news @Ndujauser Glad it is now clear to you and you can enjoy going to the church ( and the glass of champagne afterwards)

I loved it when about a dozen or so people who we didn't know well enough to have at the reception but who knew both DH and I a little came to see us married. It was just a lovely warm gesture.

As PP said, it’s a public service. I’ve been to lots of weddings where I’ve not been invited. Never a problem. Loads of people came to mine, including a family with children wearing football shirts (it made me really confused at the time). They gave me a horseshoe for good luck. And yes this is recent. Married 5 years.