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Original poster

Is it legit to ask if we can go to the church if we’re not actual wedding guests?

202 replies

Ndujauser · 09/05/2024 15:55

Some good friends’ DD is getting married later this year, in the Abbey Church where we live. I wouldn’t think we’d be invited to the wedding, as bride and groom have a huge family aside from their own friends. However, I’d really love to see her married in the church, her dad walking her down the aisle, all that stuff. Would it be rude to ask if we could sit in on the actual service and slide quietly away afterwards? It’s a huge church, so no space problems. I don’t want to do the wrong thing, all advice welcome!

OP posts:
Getonwitit · 09/05/2024 19:18

beetforever · 09/05/2024 15:56

if a HUGe church and “loads of space”, ask yourself why you weren’t invited

No doubt it's because if you invite guests to the church you have to feed them and not because they don't like the OP.

allthevitamins · 09/05/2024 19:21

We had a fair few people turn up... very extended family, neighbours, parents of friends, people from the parish... we LOVED it!! They all just sat at the back. Gorgeous.

BingoMarieHeeler · 09/05/2024 19:21

Anyone can go in a church. But my mum’s friend who I’d barely ever met before came to our house to wave me off to my ceremony, so it is a thing. It’s nice I guess, at the time I was happy overall and then seeing her there was a bit like, ‘oh, random!’. Looking back sounds really really weird. But on the day I’m sure most people would want as much luck wished upon them as poss!

caringcarer · 09/05/2024 19:29

One of my old school friends Mum came and stood outside of the castle when I got married. When I saw her there as I arrived I wished I'd invited her because she was cheering and clapping and it was so lovely to see a friendly face outside. Most people were of course inside. I did save her some wedding cake and went to see her to give it to her after our honeymoon. I was limited to 86 sit down guests at the afternoon reception for fire regulations and 100 for evening as less tables. If you can't get into the church you could go outside and see her in her wedding dress.

Pebbles16 · 09/05/2024 19:29

sprigatito · 09/05/2024 16:00

Grr, posted too early

...as others have said

In reality though I wouldn't do it. You will embarrass them and make them feel mean for not inviting you, which would be quite a selfish thing to do. You can ask to see the photos afterwards and show an interest that way.

I disagree with this.
I couldn't afford to invite many many people (and also had a small church).
Loved a few people from the village turning up, squeezing in the church and enjoying the moment.

Hopingtobe4 · 09/05/2024 19:50

Totally normal to attend,I don't think you even have to mention it.

Alternatively is it being streamed on the church's website? Since covid all the chapels around me live stream so you can watch any wedding you want,unless the couple ask for the webcam to be turned off

dragonscannotswim · 09/05/2024 19:59

Anyone can go to a church and watch a wedding. It is open. You don't need an invitation.

NewName24 · 09/05/2024 21:12

Of course you can go OP.
You don't need to ask anyone - you just turn up. Anyone can attend a Church wedding.
I had LOADS of people come to my wedding, that weren't on the guest list for the Reception. It was really lovely. I was delighted so many people cared.

I went to a wedding service last month of someone I'd known since she was 4 and started school in Reception (she's 27 now).
I wasn't invited to the Reception, but obviously everyone is welcome at the Church. It was absolutely expected. I'm a bit of a 'counter' - I tend to count rows and work out how many people are there. There were over 200 people there. I know 110 were invited to the Reception.

I don't know why @beetforever keeps returning with such nonsense.
It has always been the case that anyone who would like to share in the service can go to the Church. It is one of the downsides of the 'wedding venue packages' that you can no longer share your ceremony with people who may well have watched you grow up.

OP - go to the service. You will be very welcome at every Church wedding except if beetforever were the bride.

Februaryfeels · 09/05/2024 21:14

beetforever · 09/05/2024 16:04

Run this by your DD first OP and be led entirely by her response

It's nothing to do with the OP's DD.

penjil · 09/05/2024 21:24

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

If they had wanted you there, wouldn't you have been invited already?!

LoveHeartsFan · 09/05/2024 21:43

Anyone can attend a church wedding - it’s a public venue. That’s the whole point. It’s not clandestine, nobody can be barred from attending, and it facilitates the ‘objection’ part of the ceremony.

I got married in a Cathedral. It remained open to the public throughout the ceremony and complete randoms sat at the back to enjoy it. I heard afterwards from one of the Cathedral stewards that one of those people had approached them after the ceremony to say that it had made their day to happen on a wedding. It made me very happy to hear that.

Orders76 · 09/05/2024 22:06

It's very normal where I'm from for crowds to turn up outside the church to see the bride, most don't into the church but some would.
As long as you don't hang around looking to awkwardly say congratulations afterwards it's ok.

Getonwitit · 09/05/2024 22:08

A wedding in a church has to be open to all comers just in case someone knows a reason why the wedding shouldn't go ahead.

NewName24 · 09/05/2024 22:11

penjil · 09/05/2024 21:24

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

If they had wanted you there, wouldn't you have been invited already?!

Of course you should.
It is lovely to have additional people come to share in your ceremony and wish you well on the day.

Very often people who are regular Church goers will put a notice on the e-mail / notice sheet, specifically to invite people to come to the service
BUT can you imagine the MN thread if a couple invited anyone on MN to share in their service but then not move on to the Reception Grin
So it is just a cultural norm that people know they can go.
When my dn got married recently, the Mothers of 2 of the bridesmaids came, as did neighbours, as did a colleague of my sister, and many others.
She was delighted to see them.

merryhouse · 09/05/2024 22:44

I had schoolfriends' mother turn up to mine - was delighted to see her - and noticed on the way out that a couple of the bellringers had sat in on the service so smiled and mouthed hi.

Oh, and at about 10 I attended the service of the daughter of the neighbouring village's vicar - my parents were guests but honestly there were 6 of us and hotels were expensive places even then. Sis2 and I bought fish and chips for all our tea and got the bus home Grin

Unless you actively want a tiny guest list (worry about family balance, for example) what bride is going to be upset about more people turning up to watch her Big Day?

user1492757084 · 10/05/2024 07:54

At a large church, it is wonderful to go and witness the marriage.
We loved our neighbours, friends of our parents, students and church congregation etc doing just that.

Ushers will usher you in and seat you near the back once it is clear that there is room.

MaryFuckingFerguson · 10/05/2024 07:58

That’s completely weird and embarrassing. Take your cue from the fact you’re not invited.

You can be outside (at a distance) to see them come out afterwards, but attending the ceremony is not OK imo.

SisterAgatha · 10/05/2024 08:00

I think it’s fine. In the old east end communities everyone would be out in their front garden to wave you off, or wander past the church to give you a wave. I’ve been bridesmaid 5 times and always had friends of friends walk by just to see the bridal party. It’s fine. All this stuffiness and vanity now about “your names not down you’re not coming in” is so up itself.

SisterAgatha · 10/05/2024 08:04

Oh and if the bridal car happens to drive past you on the way to the church be sure to avert your eyes too. You cannot look upon the bride without your official invitation obviously 😂

blueshadesintheroom · 10/05/2024 08:13

In my tradition, anyone can turn up to a wedding service in a church. The church doesn't close for the day as though it's a private function hall!

Obviously if there's refreshments or anything after, don't linger for that but just pop in and out. If it doubt, ask the family if you can discretely sit at the back. I would think most couples would be honoured that someone wants to just see them tie the knot.

ohtowinthelottery · 10/05/2024 08:14

As a child, I remember going to Church to watch the wedding of my friend's older sister. Friend was a bridesmaid so I wanted to see her. My parents were at the wedding - my DF was the church organist but they were both invited to the reception. I sat at the back with a baby sitter.

As others have said, a church is a public building. There's no private bookings.

beetforever · 10/05/2024 08:15

This reply has been deleted

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Jegersur · 10/05/2024 08:17

At the last wedding I went to, there were tourists wandering around the church who then sat and watched the ceremony.

crumbpet · 10/05/2024 08:19

Ndujauser · 09/05/2024 16:16

Thanks for all your responses. And as @WarningOfGails said, it’s my friends’ daughter who is getting married. And I’ll also use her very good words to ask them, and their DD if it’s ok.
It’s so long since I’ve been to a church wedding I don’t really know what the form is these days.

Yeah do this

Ochrecushion · 10/05/2024 08:19

At my daughter’s church wedding my close friend was an invited guest. My friend’s sister and her husband came to the church. They didn’t ask in advance and it didn’t occur to anyone that they should have. It was lovely to see them.

Looking back to my own wedding day, in the dark and distant past, a group of about 10 work colleagues came to the church to surprise me. In hindsight , my only regret is they didn’t all stand up at the crucial moment and shout FFS don’t do it !! 🤣🤣

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