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Original poster

Leaving out future DSD as bridesmaid

396 replies

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 16:54

I never wanted to get married but it was important to DF so I agreed providing the wedding is small. (He has a huge family compared to my mere 6 people).
We discussed numbers and my preference is parents and our children only as a compromise over his endless aunts/uncles/cousins.
I have 2 DDs and he has 1 DD. We rarely see her as she moved up north where we are near London.
Id like my 2 DDs to be my bridesmaids, I don’t want DF DD to be bridesmaid as she isn’t my daughter. I know it sounds harsh and cruel but I barely know her and for me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I.
There is a chance she will not come because of distance and whether her mother will allow it, I just don’t feel comfortable paying for another dress that may not get worn just to please DF and his family.
I know this will cause chaos as they will all expect her to be, and they’d also expect her to be directly behind me with my DDs behind her. I’d like some say in my own wedding where future MIL is trying to arrange everything for us. I’m close to calling it a day if she continues to rule the roost, which DF knows.
I feel strongly about only wanting my DDs. I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter? Would she even expect to be bridesmaid considering she’s young?
Do I suggest this plan to DF and accept the outcome or do I grin and bare it for the sake of one day? If I had to let her join in then she’d be behind my DDs, not in front, so surely that’s worse?
Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

OP posts:
Spirro · 26/10/2023 18:04

I’m very puzzled. You’re marrying your dad?

Lovemusic82 · 26/10/2023 18:04

Blahblah34 · 26/10/2023 17:00

Everything about this is incredibly sad. Poor kid.

This. You are getting married when you don’t really want to, you want your dc as bridesmaids but not his dd because “she’s not your dd”. This marriage is doomed from the start 😬

payriseday · 26/10/2023 18:04

"me it’s a special moment for my DDs and I"
Maybe your future husband feels the same way about his daughter? If he would like her there then you welcome her with open arms. FFS. Getting married is about forming a partnership right from the start.
What are you going to do if she wants to be more a part of his life as she gets older? If he wants that to happen? Think carefully about that before you marry him.

MaryMcI · 26/10/2023 18:05

Foodorder · 26/10/2023 17:49

Honestly why are you marrying this man?

His mother and ex are running his life and he's apparently incapable of standing up to them, even when it to your and DD's detriment. He's made all the decisions about a wedding you don't want. Why are you the only woman he doesn't listen to/consider and you plan to marry him?

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yes and the opening post even says that you don’t want to get married. You are getting married because your fiancé wants to. It’s a bad idea. Marriage is a legal contract, you don’t enter legal contracts if you don’t want to. Divorce can end up being quite expensive.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 26/10/2023 18:05

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 18:01

Well no actually that's all her father has to do.
OP has nowt to do with it.
.

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When I said that I was including them both in those tasks. Surely the OP has some input into her bridesmaids' outfits? This whole set up is SO weird. How can you say the bride has nowt to do with her bridesmaids??

Notonthestairs · 26/10/2023 18:05

"I know it’s generally cruel to leave one child out but for the sake of a few minutes down the aisle does it matter?"

You've answered your own question.

It's the 7 year old I feel for.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 26/10/2023 18:05

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 18:01

Well no actually that's all her father has to do.
OP has nowt to do with it.
.

Show quote history

Well, actually she does. She’s marrying the child’s Dad.

There are millions of childless men out there if she doesn’t want to be a Step Mum I suggest she marries one of them.

itsmyp4rty · 26/10/2023 18:06

Did you have to accept parts of your wedding you didn’t want/ people included you’d have preferred not to?

Yes when it is a 7 year old child with SEN who is your husbands own daughter. WTF is wrong with you?

I'm amazed he is so desperate to marry someone who has barely met his child and who doesn't want them at his wedding.

Sounds like two awful people who deserve each other though I guess.

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 18:06

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog @ItsmeImtheproblem200
Because, if you read all the OP's updates, she has had no say in ANYTHING at all. Including her own wedding dress!

crumblingschools · 26/10/2023 18:06

Why has DF chosen your dress?

I know you are saying she could be flower girl, what is the difference between flower girl and bridesmaid, I assumed flower girl was just a young bridesmaid, so wouldn't be involved with hen night and getting bride ready in the morning, but gets to wear a pretty frock and walk down the aisle

Original poster
Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 18:07

He doesn’t have 50/50 custody that was a comparison… he sees her once a month because he has to stay in a hotel near her home and we aren’t financially well off. If he brought her to surrey to sleep then her mother would stop contact so time to meet her is scarce.
She isn’t excluded from the wedding at all, she’s invited to the wedding it’s the bridesmaid situation I’m posting about. My parents don’t know her and will have to care for a child with severe ADHD that her mother refuses to medicate for. DF himself says she’s a handful. There won’t be a real aisle as it’s a registry office, no confetti etc allowed.
Yes she’s DF child and yes I do accept her, but simultaneously she isn’t my responsibility the same as my DDs aren’t DF responsibility, what goes on is between him and his ex. Surely every bride is allowed to enjoy her day even if a big wedding isn’t important to them?

OP posts:
BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 18:08

Laceandfrills · 26/10/2023 18:07

He doesn’t have 50/50 custody that was a comparison… he sees her once a month because he has to stay in a hotel near her home and we aren’t financially well off. If he brought her to surrey to sleep then her mother would stop contact so time to meet her is scarce.
She isn’t excluded from the wedding at all, she’s invited to the wedding it’s the bridesmaid situation I’m posting about. My parents don’t know her and will have to care for a child with severe ADHD that her mother refuses to medicate for. DF himself says she’s a handful. There won’t be a real aisle as it’s a registry office, no confetti etc allowed.
Yes she’s DF child and yes I do accept her, but simultaneously she isn’t my responsibility the same as my DDs aren’t DF responsibility, what goes on is between him and his ex. Surely every bride is allowed to enjoy her day even if a big wedding isn’t important to them?

Well you did say you wanted a childfree wedding.
If she was included as a flower girl or something else your DF's side had to manage fair enough but it looked like you didn't want her there at all.

Why aren't his parents taking care of her? Why will the onus be on you?>

You want to marry this prince of a man who palms his own children off onto others? Huh.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/10/2023 18:08

Hang on, your fiance has chosen your dress and everything else? What is going on here? Is he as controlling as his mother, because it does sound like it.

And why does he accept a monthly visit? Why doesn't he go to court and force the issue?

And while I am at it, why isn't it his family's responsibility to take care of the child on the day rather than your family's? Your family don't even know the child.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/10/2023 18:09

If it's such a tiny wedding then the bridesmaids aren't doing anything anyway. I couldn't deny a little 7 year old the chance to wear a pretty dress and hold a bunch of flowers.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/10/2023 18:09

Maybe you could just name your daughters "maids of honour" and her a flower girl. Then it won't be awkward asking for a photo with just the "maids of honour". Although that doesn't seem to be what you're worried about...

ZiriForGood · 26/10/2023 18:10

Reading your last update, about finding a role for her as a bestgirl or flower girl, so she will be included and can come with him, and it sounds reasonable.

You are getting quite harsh responses, and some of your the formulations earlier sounds like excuses, but YANBU altogether.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/10/2023 18:10

To be honest, if I were to marry again, I would not marry somebody with a difficult family. By this, I don't mean his daughter, I mean his parents and siblings and his ex-wife.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/10/2023 18:11

Also you could let her pick a dress that doesn't necessarily match. She could just have a special role in some other way. I don't think I'd be marrying someone who was happy to settle for a once a month visit anyway...poor girl.

BungleandGeorge · 26/10/2023 18:11

I wouldn’t marry him. You don’t really want to, the controlling MIL along with him controlling the wedding is a red flag as is him being happy to see his young child once a month. If you do then I agree that it would be quite cruel to leave out a young child- they like being bridesmaids at that age and it’s as much her fathers wedding as yours

Westfacing · 26/10/2023 18:11

Why would your family have to look after the child on the morning, surely her own grandmother, your meddling future MIL would care for her?

Geez, no wonder the ex went up North with her child!

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 18:11

Sugargliderwombat · 26/10/2023 18:09

If it's such a tiny wedding then the bridesmaids aren't doing anything anyway. I couldn't deny a little 7 year old the chance to wear a pretty dress and hold a bunch of flowers.

You're assuming that all 7 year olds WANT to do that though.
This one might not.
Especially if she's neurodiverse, she might actually really, really hate it.
I'm ND, so is DH it runs in the family... simply buying a dress and shoving a bunch of flowers into the hands of some of my nieces/cousins would result in an epic meltdown. Not to mention the sensory impact of the dress.

She should certainly be at the wedding and have a role. But it should be tailored to her! And not just foisted upon the OP. She should also be looked after by someone she actually knows.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/10/2023 18:11

You shouldn't be marrying this man if you're not prepared to accept his daughter. I think YABVVVU. Would it hurt you to have her as a Brides Maid. You get with someone who has kids then they're part of the package.

Sugargliderwombat · 26/10/2023 18:12

BrideToBe2313123 · 26/10/2023 18:11

You're assuming that all 7 year olds WANT to do that though.
This one might not.
Especially if she's neurodiverse, she might actually really, really hate it.
I'm ND, so is DH it runs in the family... simply buying a dress and shoving a bunch of flowers into the hands of some of my nieces/cousins would result in an epic meltdown. Not to mention the sensory impact of the dress.

She should certainly be at the wedding and have a role. But it should be tailored to her! And not just foisted upon the OP. She should also be looked after by someone she actually knows.

Edited
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Well, obviously. If this was the case I don't think the OP would have a problem though would she ?

meanypegs · 26/10/2023 18:13

This gets weirder. Why on earth would the mother be able to "stop contact time" just like that - unless your dear fiance has done something so bad that you would want to run very fast in the opposite direction? Does the child's father pay CM? If not, is that why he isn't "allowed" to see her?

Given that he barely sees her, how could he possibly have an opinion about her being a "handful"?

Someone who goes to the bother of getting a child diagnosed isn't likely then to say "yeah whatever" and take no further steps.

This is all completely unbelievable.

Gymnopedie · 26/10/2023 18:13

OK, let's dig deeper. You say your fiance's mother is controlling. So, by the sound of it, is he. She and he are choosing everything. I can understand that even if this is the wrong thing to take a stand on you'd like to have a say in something. Have you tried to express an opinion and been ignored/shouted down?

Why is it so important to him that you get married? What would he do if you did call it off? Because you're being controlled by him in this as well, you're not the one who wants to get married, you're doing it to placate him.

Think hard. Is this level of control more frequent than 'just' the wedding? You say you ignore his mother but if he supports her then she can still get the upper hand and decide what happens in your lives. Do you want that?

I think if you go ahead with the wedding you do have to at least ask his DD to be part of it, even if that does mean paying for a dress that never gets worn (although I think he should be the one to pay for it anyway). But the more pressing question is do you even want the wedding (and the marriage afterwards) anyway?