Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

[Mfo]

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

I was once invited to a baby shower but was told my 2 week old was not invited.., I declined!

I would say no just because my best friend has not invited my husband.
If you say No now she might be able to get a refund or invite someone else.
4-6 weeks is very ealy to leave a BF child as feeding is still on short notice with no routine/schedule whatsover. Also, with my first one I was knocked out of normal life for good 2 months as its's all new.
Plus there is a chance of ending with ECS, I hope it does not happen to you. In my NCT group 5 out 8 had Emergency C-Section.

I have to agree that while you consider her to be your very best friend, she doesnt seem to consider you hers. And if she really does but is more concerned about the perfect day than the fact that you will be a few weeks post partum at best, then she aint much of a friend anyway.

Hi, I'm the OP. To clarify my husband not being invited isn't a big deal. I didn't invite her partner to ours last year either. We live quite far away from each other now and have both been with our partners for only a couple of years so don't know each others partners that well (we do girls holidays without our partners, chat on the phone etc). Weddings are huuugely expensive and we both have large families. Inviting everyone's partner doubles the wedding and means you cull people you actually want there. So it's not a big deal or any sort of bad feeling that my husband isn't invited at all. My anxiety about the whole thing is that this is her wedding day, it's not for me to dictate or ask for things on her day - it should be totally about her and she should be able to choose not to have babies/children there. Obviously yes this means some sort of sacrifice in that either I don't go or she lets me bring baby. But really I was just asking if anyone had found a workable solution or if anyone had done anything similar before. You get a very small snippet of the story on these posts and I understand that you maybe have to read between the lines - but no one need worry about her not being a good friend. Until you go through it, it's hard to imagine what being pregnant and having a baby is like and it's not her fault to not know that yet. There is no animosity about it, it's just unrelatable to her and that's fine. I just feel conflicted about both being there for her and physically being needed by my newborn.

Your plan sounds fine. You might be a sticky hormonal mess but you can leave babies with dad's and bottles!
It might be hard but you literally can't plan this far ahead. Have an idea for hotel in mind, book hotel (cancellation very imp) then fingers crossed.

My sister in laws wedding was scheduled 4 weeks after my first baby, I didn't go. I wasn't breastfeeding but had a difficult birth and surgery. In my head (naively), I would be breastfeeding and would've just taken my baby, easy peasy "they mostly sleep dont they" hahaha. She was very understanding when my baby was 10 days late (so only 2.5 weeks old) and I was still sore, in and out of hospital, exhausted, fit into no clothes, had no idea what day it was or what was going on, my baby wasnt feeding well, wasnt in any kind of pattern for anything and i felt totally clueless. My husband went but didn't stay over and that felt hard enough! The reality is you've no idea how it'll go, how you'll be feeling, how feeding will end up, if you'll be recovering from a c section- it's all very unknown and the idea it will be ok all day without your baby seems really tough. I'm so surprised she's not been more thoughtful, especially as if your husband could go and the baby could go, it's way more likely you'd be able to be there. I'd stick to your guns in saying that you cant be there all day without your baby or husband, you might not even be allowed to drive. So many people think you just pop a baby out, and a few days later you're back to normal - you really aren't! Even driving that far with such a little baby can feel very stressful, if they need feeding lots or don't travel well or you had lots of stitches and are still sore. Have a chat to her, explain your concerns and see if she can do anything to help. Maybe just all 3 of you going to the ceremony would be OK.... maybe they can zoom include you somehow like covid times, maybe you can do something special the 2 of you another time - hopefully she's open to some ideas.

Worry less about upsetting your friend, and more about your own wellbeing and your babies.

Going to maybe stir some things here, but weddings are just not that important. They're made up things.

However, you cannot predict how your health will be. You cannot predict how your babies health will be.
Your partner wasn't invited to the wedding seems odd.
I don't know much about babies but I'm not sure if having a potentially very young baby around many many people could be bad for their health? I'm not sure if there's anything about their immune system.

In short, take care of yourself.
Its sweet you care about your friends feelings.
But, she also has put you in an awkward position where she hasn't invited your partner. And expects you to go without baby/just after around when you give birth.

If I were you, I would say no. Say you'd love to go, but you don't know how things will be around then. And it's better you say no so she doesn't factor in your costs/seat/outfit ect.
You could have a nice chat about it.
Say you just don't think it's likely to be feasible, but much much closer to the date, if it does seem possible you would consider popping in. But your not sure what that would mean in terms of time ect.
Maybe you'd say you'd maybe need your partners support.

Essentially say no thanks. But if she really insists that she wants you there, then say you would need to have a conversation around a week before the date so you know where you're at. If she's not willing/able to be flexible in that regard, and also not consider potentially having your partner there for an hour or something. Just give an all out no.

My anxiety about the whole thing is that this is her wedding day, it's not for me to dictate or ask for things on her day - it should be totally about her and she should be able to choose not to have babies/children there.

Here is root of the issue. This is not a Hollywood movie, or Instagram, or some kind of Hello! Magazine event, this is real life. She is not a princess and it’s just a day. She is your friend, and actually it is perfectly fine to ask her to consider your needs, as her best mate! Stop thinking of it all as some magical dream event that has to be perfect. There’s no such thing as perfect, in real life people make allowances and accommodations for people they love.

There should be no harm at all in you having a pleasant chat with her, explaining to her that realistically you have two options: either your baby is invited (and ideally DH), or you sadly cannot commit to being there at all. She can then take that information and make an informed decision. You are not “dictating” anything and you are allowed to discuss it with her!

Unless she is a precious unapproachable nightmare who only cares about her “aesthetic” (which I am sure she is not), I see no reason to not have this conversation with her.

There are so many possibilities with the birth, baby, breast feeding etc.
You may have a c-section which means you’ll be out of action for 6weeks. You may be late in which your baby will be even younger. You may not be able to breastfeed.

One of the bridal party for our friend group was in a similar position and if babies and children weren’t invited, I don’t know how she would have done it. She had a c-section and the wedding was exactly 6weeks after, she managed fine with that part. She was able to breastfeed but I couldn’t imagine her having to drive to a hotel to do it had the baby not been invited. At that stage she had tried pumping and that wasn’t getting enough milk.

Due to the uncertainty, I’d choose not to go. That way it’s clear you won’t be there, she can finalise numbers and if she is a true friend, she’ll understand.

Amen @Sensibletrousers

I think unless you bottle feed your baby you are not going to be able to "be there" for your BF. You can still attend the wedding with your baby and preferably also with your DH to help with the baby.

As PP suggested give your BF the options you are happy with and let her choose. You could miss the service or stand at the back and duck out if the baby cries if she is happy with that.

Here’s the thing, OP. I understand you are happy with no invitations for each other’s partners but by setting this precedent you’ve established that within your friendship you are each important to each other but each other’s families are not. That’s one thing when you’re just talking about husbands but as you are now realising it’s a very different matter when it comes to tiny newborns. Now is the time to have a frank conversation explaining that you and baby are going to be a package deal and that unless she is willing to accommodate that you can’t commit to coming to her wedding.

Some form of this conversation is going to have to happen if your friendship is going to survive the next few years as you begin your marriages and families. Better sooner rather than later.

I went to my sisters wedding when my baby was 8 weeks old and I was still suffering the effects if ripped stitches following an episiotomy. My baby was being very fussy, cried throughout the service, so I had to stand outside the church. At tge reception which was in a very smart london hotel, I spent nearly the entire time in the ladies (which was lovely with a sofa area) as tge baby was cluster feeding. The entire day was a write off for me, stressful and I wish I hadn't gone but obviously I had to!
You need to factor in that your baby could be late and so might only be 4 weeks and you might have had a bad birth!

You sound like a wonderful friend! If the wedding is in a hotel I’d get a room for yourself and have husband and baby stay there so you can literally just pop upstairs for feedings and visits! If that’s not possible I’m not sure if it’s nearby enough to have an air band b or similar but that would mean more travel and more time popping out but it’s doable. Your husband could drive baby to you and then drive himself back. If you really want to be at the wedding, and you sound like a good enough friend to make it work then you can.

When I read the title, I thought - you'll see how well you recover, if everything goes well, take the baby in a pram/baby carrier and have a good time! My younger one went to her first wedding at 8 week old.
Then I read no kids and no husband??
I absolutely wouldn't go. How is your husband going to ruin her dream wedding? I can't imagine not letting any of my best friends bring their partners to my wedding.
I can somewhat understand wanting a child free wedding, but a newborn will really just sleep and feed most of the time.

Blow off the wedding.

Friends invite friends' husbands and newborn babies to weddings.

We live quite far away from each other now and have both been with our partners for only a couple of years so don't know each others partners that well (we do girls holidays without our partners, chat on the phone etc).

I am completely baffled by this logic. How do you think anyone gets to know their friends’ partners if you don’t invite them to your big life events?

Sorry OP but I think you may live to regret the precedent you have set. From her point of view why should she accommodate your newborn if you weren’t willing to accommodate each others’ husbands?

Why don’t you express milk and leave it in a bottle for your husband to feed the baby . Or as you were invited before you were pregnant and she’s your best friend you could ask if you could take baby and pram to put it in after feed

You sound so lovely OP. And if you are able express, the baby able to take a bottle/ used to a bottle and you can stay close. I think it could work…

However the reality is that it will be very stressful for you. Possibly taking energy away from being able to enjoy the first few weeks with your baby? Beyond practicality there is your emotions to think about too. You well not want to leave your baby. And that’ hard too, you lose your freedom on many levels.

Before my first was actually born I was thinking about how to manage things only practically. However, once she arrived and the love kicks in you love everything changes. You can actually feel slightly resentful of things that make separate you from your baby. Don’t underestimate hormones!

Six week old baby? Of course they go with you. Who would separate a newborn of four to six weeks from its mother? She would be some kind of evil nutcase if she expected that

what if you have a c section and are 4 weeks post-op? Will you still
go? Surely husband will drive you there?

Most people who have no child weddings make an exception for babes in arms don't they? Raise that with her, and if she says no, I think you have to tell her it's therefore impossible for you to go. She'll understand in time.

@Sensibletrousers

Well said.

This whole 'dream wedding' malarkey seems to have taken the place of 'getting married' and it is utterly juvenile.

People who don’t have children or have a lot of babies in their immediate circle of friends and family don’t know this ‘rule’. I certainly didn’t when I got married (and luckily it didn’t affect any of our guests).

Look, you just don't know what state you will be in or how your baby will be at that stage. Literally, no first time mum does. In fact most 2nd time mums will find it difficult to predict. You are going to have to tell the bride this.

Let's say you have an uncomplicated, on-time birth, your DH will still need to be at the venue (not the wedding) with the baby so you can slip away to feed the little one. If this fairly simple request cannot be facilitated, I don't think it's worth attending.

Thanks all, I appreciate your responses but feel this was not the forum for me. My first time posting and unfortunately the only thing I come away feeling is a bit sad. Whilst the logic behind all your answers is fair and true, I find (generally) that the way it is presented is mostly upsetting. As mentioned before, this is a snapshot of a situation and no one knows the full background. On reading, most of these comments, felt full of judgement and without much empathy. I was mostly looking for practically advice really, less to be cajoled into questioning friendships. Thank you all anyway, I think a combination of my emotional pregnant brain and the ability to hide behind a keyboard is all a bit much for me - I won't be reading further.