Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

[Mfo]

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

I had a child free wedding. I had no concept of the impact of having babies/toddlers on a person and I still cringe about it now. Wish I had not been so thoughtless but it felt right at the time and everyone was understanding. She may well feel the same down the line if you ask her if you can bring the baby and she says no.

I’m 6 weeks post partum now and I will be going out for an hour tomorrow evening to meet some friends but I couldn’t do much more than that. I don’t want to be away from him! With DS1, I was still in a daze at 6 weeks. I wouldn’t put pressure on yourself to attend. You just never know how you’ll be feeling.

Sorry but she's not a true friend, they would understand, would invite your husband and invite your child! Your husband can take the baby out during the ceremony unless they are asleep though

ignoring the fact that it is insane that she won’t allow you to bring an infant/your husband….

With my second, I could have managed this because they were a ludicrously easy newborn who fed on a predictable schedule and slept like a dream. I wouldn’t have wanted to be away from them at 6 weeks old, but I could have been.

With my first, absolutely no way on earth it would have worked as he was more of a ‘normal’ newborn (feeding and sleeping all over the place!).

In your position, I would decline the invitation . Your friend has made her bed by not inviting your partner or baby and will be extraordinarily unreasonable to be annoyed by your non attendance.

Am I right that your husband wasn't invited before the baby news? I'd not go in that basis, never mind the baby thing. She's no Freind. There must be some history behind this.

This.

Its several months away yet and you haven't had the baby yet. All sorts of things can happen so its very much up in the air

You may breast feed, you may stop or find it doesn't work So this may not even be an issue

You can express breast milk and freeze the milk, a hacker can be really good for doing this as your other boob will let down milk as your feeding - so not even using a machine whilst not feeding. Then daddy can have several bottles lined up of breast milk.

You may do mixed feeding, so breast and formula, meaning daddy just feeds baby formula whilst you're at the wedding.

Babies at 6 weeks can be really easy and sleep non stop or they may not be.

Id book somewhere for a couple of nights, one before and one after the wedding Then get a nice outfit, and a microwave steriliser and hacker

This happened to me with my best friend and eerily similar situation! I told her I’d only be able to attend the ceremony- this felt like the most meaningful to witness- which she absolutely understood. My husband walked baby round outside while I was at the ceremony and could meet him and feed straight after. Very similar to your Original plan just not as an extended period of time.

I would just say "Sorry Jane ,I will have to miss the wedding .BF is very unpredictable Im afraid! " "Hope you have a great day" I have never understood why child free weddings are a thing. Obv a raucous toddler might be understandable but a young baby needs its mum.She is being very unreasonable!

Similar set of circumstances - my husband’s best friend got married when our baby was 6 weeks old. We were all invited and they even let me use the room the bride had got ready in to breastfeed as needed throughout the day. I left at about 7pm to take baby back to a hotel and husband stayed for the party and came back later.

If your friend isn’t happy to accommodate your family a few weeks post-birth then I not sure she values your friendship as much as you do.

Jeez, my sister got married when my eldest was 12 weeks. Baby was front and center, husband also there obviously, loads of willing aunties and cousins to take baby - and it was still one of the longest days of my life

Seriously, don't go. She's expecting way way way too much of you six weeks out from your due date.

I went to a wedding with my five week old (first baby) and it was fine - but DH and baby were with me. It's possible but it's highly likely you'll need to be near the baby as and when needed. I think you need to chat to your friend and and be willing to not go if she can't change her plans. If you could have baby with you and have DH nearby on standby to drive over when needed/if baby can be taken for a bit that may work.

I attended a wedding of a close friend when my first born was 2 weeks old, with my husband but without the baby. I had a horrid birth, emergency caesarean and was in hospital for 5 days. My baby just wouldn’t take to breast feeding having been poorly after the birth and being tube fed, so want tied to my boob, I expressed milk for him. The wedding I attended was 15 minutes from my home. Baby was left in more capable hands than my own as I didn’t really have a clue what I was doing as a first time mum. I pooped home to express some milk and I didn’t stay late. It was nearly 20 years ago and I was very laid back. I enjoyed the time I spent at the wedding. Though couldn’t fathom really why they wouldn’t have let me bring the baby along after the ceremony and meal. But I never asked it was their wedding and I don’t want to cast a shadow over it. In all honesty I don’t think they really expected me to to attend, thinking about it now maybe I was a bit mad, but I was very laid back in my younger years. In your scenario it’s a lot of hassle as not close to home. You still haven’t said why your husband isn’t invited. Do what works for you. Your friend wants her wedding to be perfect and babies rarely come into that picture (I never had babies or kids at my 2 weddings) but also she won’t really notice your presence as there will be so many people there.
I also declined other invites at a similar time due to distance from home and how close I felt to the bride and groom.

But so much is unknown at this stage, it's impossible for you to commit 100% to going right now.

I think all you can say is that you are going to need to keep things flexible as you have no idea as to how things will be. You’ve heard nightmare stories about how some babies are and you are hoping that it won’t be as difficult as that for you, but of course there aren’t any guarantees. In any case you don’t quite see how the logistics will work with a breastfeeding baby and no husband to take over. Would she rather you declined now or does she want to take the wait and see approach?

I can’t get over the fact she’s apparently your best friend but your husband isn’t invited????

Can you not pump? I’m due in January and the #1 I want to do is pump and bottle feed my breast milk so that my husband can feed too. I’m determined to not have the baby fully reliant on me so I can still do the odd thing.

Sorry if this comes across as unsolicited baby advice to the OP but I was recommended not to pump so early. Didn’t listen then had a baby on my hands who preferred the bottle and rejected the breast which meant pumping about ten times a day and dwindling milk supply. It was very stressful and sad and I will listen in future.

@Mfo are you ever coming back to the thread? I hope you're reading it, there's masses of support here for you making the choice that works best for you. I guess it's also disappointing to have to say no to the wedding, which is pretty much the consensus.
Hope you're ok.

assuming there is more backstory around your husband not being invited, maybe just a small wedding. None of our business!

i think it’s super kind, supportive, and polite you are working on a way around this rather than being that AH that has to make demands on the bride. Good friend you are!!

glad you want to be there.

If the hotel is too far rent a motor home rather than driving back and forth. That will just be taxing on you. You can park the Motorhome close. They typically cost the same as a budget motel.

otherwise think your plan is solid. Husband can soothe baby without your boobs. And it will be good for him. Moms tend to get stuck always dealing with the fussies cause they have the boobs! Dads need to learn too! And build that bond, and understand you and what you are going through better! Don’t feel bad.

Some women just don't respond to pumps. Pumping is also a lot of hassle and extra work on top of establishing BF, which is hard enough, and if you start too early you can risk the baby rejecting the breast. It can be done - my first moved back and forth successfully between breast and expressed milk in a bottle, and I left him for 24hrs at 5 months to go to my sister's hen - but there are a lot more factors than you're accounting for here. Including whether your baby plays ball (my secondborn absolutely REFUSED the bottle, and was so stubborn about it that he went nine hours without eating or drinking when I did a KIT day - despite the fact I was no stranger to combining breast and expressed and had already successfully done it with one baby).

I did it with a 6 week old BF baby. Travelled 5 hours - obviously stayed a few days. BUT my husband was best man and the baby was welcome. The wedding was important to my husband but I don't think I would have managed any sort of wedding on my own with a new (and first baby - I got more laid back and capable with the others).

Oh gosh, I know this is a personal difficulty for you OP however, your priorities at that stage, will be to you and your newborn baby.

Have you even considered that the birth might no go to plan? You really don't know the level of sleep deprivation you will have with a newborn. What happens if you have a C section. What happens if baby comes late. What will you do if you are suffering with post-partum blues?
To ensure there are no surprises, I would respectfully decline. Your pal might not be happy but she has enough time to get used to the idea.

Yep I had written above that mine refused the breast after pumping, which was actually a really sad time. I didn’t think I’d get so emotional about it but I really did.

Agreed it is not our business but OP specifically says that it is a big wedding.

You will need to be with a breastfed baby all day and night, you will need your DH, you will need to be near home.
I wouldn't go for these reasons.
If you want to go she needs to understand you come as a 3 piece. If she's your best friend why is DH not invited?

Hopefully this won’t be the case for you or the OP but you should know that many women who breastfeed successfully don’t manage to pump, and many breastfed babies won’t take a bottle. Plenty others manage just fine, of course, but there are no guarantees and OP can’t make any promises to her friend regarding the wedding as there are simply too many unknowns.