Attending a wedding 6 weeks after a birth

[Mfo]

Hi,

My very best friend is getting married next year and by the date of the wedding I will likely have a 6 week old baby (younger if I go past due date!). My friend is not at all big on babies, the invite went out before I was pregnant and it is definitely a no child wedding. This wedding is so important to her, it'll be big and detailed and she's my best friend so I want to be there for her (in some capacity). My husband is also not invited. The wedding itself is taking place about 2.5 hours away from where I live so it's an overnight situation. My original plan was for myself, husband and baby to find accommodation as nearby as possible, husband to have baby for the day and for me to drive back and forth throughout the day, every couple of hours or so. The closer I get to due date the more naive this plan feels. I will be breastfeeding and this baby is not going to wait for a convenient time to be fed. I absolutely do not know what to do. Any suggestions? Do I ask if I can just bring baby with me (and try and manage without husband) but knowing this possibly puts her in an awkward position where she feels she has to say yes and then it's not her dream wedding? Do I not go, but know she won't fully understand this as she's got no awareness or interest in babies and possibly upset her? What alternatives are there?

I think your friend would agree that, with such young baby, you need the baby and your husband within a couple of hundred metres at all times. Ask her to sort out a chill out room for them near the reception. Can you book accommodation at the reception?
She is your best friend.
She wants you at her big day but you don't want to disrespect her no child policy.
Also expose the baby to her before the wedding so she cottons on to how challenged you will be with a new born.

Your husband isn't invited??

Why would you jump through all of these hoops for a bride like that?

Stay home, save the money& relax.

I wouldn’t go. My dc1 was 2 weeks overdue and at 4 weeks I was bleeding heavily still and felt wrecked. A wedding would have been hell.

It’s absolutely possible to go. Lots of women have to go back to work at 6 weeks or work with prem babies and still manage to breastfeed. Of course your friend has to realise that there may be reason for you to pull out though. You have options, lots of people are mixed feeding by then anyway. Or express and get them used to that. Babies will always take some milk if put on the boob, it’s a myth that you have to be constantly unpredictably dropping everything at 6 weeks. They’re likely to have a loose routine. When they’re a 2/3/4 child they don’t always get that luxury. If evenings tend to be tricky you could always leave then. And sometimes a walk in the pram or drive in the car will settle them, it’s not always hunger. You’re leaving late to book a hotel can you get a room at the venue? How close can you stay? There’s always a lot of down time at weddings where you can slip off. Or get husband to come to you?

Very difficult with an EBF baby. Mine was feeding every 45 mins for milk, to establish supply and for comfort. It’s difficult for mum to be away from an ebf at that age.

I had a similar situation at four months and I made the ceremony only. We considered DH being in a hotel nearby too for me popping out for feeds - but it simply isn’t as simple as this if you have a unsettled ebf baby.

Don’t guarantee on people understanding ebf babies and why you need to be with baby until they’ve had one themselves. They don’t.

You don’t know if you will have a sleepy or unsettled newborn until Dc arrives. Mine was unsettled so I couldn’t have even taken her to a wedding at four months let alone six / four weeks. I’d personally say you will try for the ceremony but you don’t know until baby is here.

What if you end up needing a caesarean? You won’t even be able to drive back and forth then. If you’re breast feeding little one may be in the cluster feeding phase at that point too, and it’s not encouraged to pump before around that time so as to ensure your milk supply is stable. I’d chat to her, if you are HER best friend (and not just her yours if that makes sense), she should be flattered that this is stressing you out worrying about the ifs and whats and either say:

1. Of course she’ll allow your DH and newborn to attend. Her invite simply meant no children running around getting in the way of the photographer; or
2. She’d be more comfortable with you not bringing the baby because she’s worried that crying may interrupt/detract the ceremony. If that’s the case I would then speak to her and explain the reasons why you won’t be able to attend without LO.

It’s so hard because I kinda get the no kids thing, but babes in arms is a bit different. I couldn’t imagine not having my nieces/nephews at my wedding (if I ever get married 🤣) and I have a 2 yo so it just wouldn’t be something I’d consider. I’ve been to weddings where people have politely asked that all children leave by a certain time. Also, a lot of people don’t WANT to bring their kids so they can have a break, I think it all depends on how close they are to the bride & groom tbh.

Hi Op, I had my little girl this year and it has been wedding season for us so i feel your pain planning. Can I break down my experience.

wedding 1 - I attended and she was 7 weeks and breastfed - she was mostly asleep in the pram or in the sling strapped to me for the ceremony ( I sat on a back aisle so I could run out incase she made a peep). None noticed she was there - she survived on me for food so I can’t leave her and would have found stressful if she was away from me, I left early as was so tired anyways from not sleeping through the night for 7 weeks.

i don’t want to jinx anything - but I ended up with a c-section so cannot drive until I had passed my 8 week gp check, so your plan to drive might be an issue if this happens ( I hope not). But to be aware.

my second wedding the coupler wouldn’t budge on no babies - my little girl was older but still not weaned so not like I could leave her for more than 2.5-3hrs between feeds. So sadly I had to pull my attendance and husband went on his own, whcih really sucked!

I hope you get sorted!

FFS why hasn't she invited your DH? She really isn't your best mate.

At that stage, you will need your baby close by at all times. It could work if the wedding was at a hotel and you had a room close by that you can go to, to feed your baby.

TBH though, I think I would just be saying no as it's too much hassle and your mate sounds like a diva so will not understand or appreciate all that entails with travelling with a young baby who is ebf.

I’m going to put myself into the best friend’s shoes for a moment:

”You’re my best friend! OF COURSE bring your husband!! And OF COURSE bring your BRAND NEW BABY!!
You’re my best friend and I wat you at my wedding!! I love you!!”

You can make it work somehow I'm sure, but she sounds like a bit of a twat.

I went to one of my close friends 6 weeks after my baby was born. She did invite husband and baby though! I chose to leave baby with grandparents- expressed and came home in early hours. It was a 2 hour drive but we couldn't stay the night as we missed baby too much. Your friend isn't making allowances. She isn't giving you a choice. She isn't much of a friend.

I can't get over your best friend not inviting your husband! Is there a massive back story?

Also, what if you have a C-section?

DC1 - emergency C-section definitely would not have been able to do that journey and couldn't drive 6 weeks after birth

DC2 - normal delivery, recovered fine. Could have gone to a wedding 6 weeks after, if I wanted to, but would have definitely needed DH and baby very close by and somewhere to breastfeed.

I still can't get over that your 'best friend' hasn't invited your DH! She sounds like a real bitch

I went to a hen do six weeks after having DD1, a wedding eight weeks after, and a wedding 12 weeks after having DD2. But only because the arrangements worked with breastfeeding and I felt really well.

I don't know how the OP's scenario can be managed without bringing the baby along.

Also my friend who had a strict child free wedding - but held it somewhere which meant I could still attend and pop out to feed DD2 - apologised to me after she had kids herself. There was no need to apologise as it all worked out, but I think she then realised how many arrangements I'd had to make just to attend. We're still good friends though.

If it was my best friend I'd have a discussion with her and say that you'd love to be at her wedding but you don't think the logistics will work with you breastfeeding so you expect you will have to decline if baby can't come. Perhaps you can suggest husband and baby could come for the ceremony, go for a wander during the meal in the grounds of the venue, and then you can duck out after that? In my experience babies that age sleep a lot so are not much trouble at all, so I think it's worth investigating the possibility of baby coming with you, particularly as most first babies arrive after their due date. Alternatively you could pump milk/give formula and the baby could stay in the hotel/accommodation with your husband for the ceremony and meal. If breastfeeding goes well and is well established this could work well (I've done similar myself with my six week old baby).

As others have said though there is a risk you aren't well enough to go, or breastfeeding is going badly, or simply that you don't want to leave your precious little baby. So probably best to decline and offer profuse apologies.

I went to a wedding this year where I was sat at the reception next to a couple with a 6 week old. Mother had an easy delivery and baby was good as gold but even then it needed both of them to manage the situation, accommodation at the venue and several times they were taking it in turns to walk around with her.

Personally I'd say no to the invitation. If she is your friend she will understand. Although I have doubts about this from your post if I'm honest.

Good luck!

Your best friend didn’t invite your husband to the wedding? Wtf?

Your plan will be extremely stressful for you, your baby and your husband. I think you need to tell your friend that you can’t attend.

No way would I go in your position. If she's really your friend she'll understand. I was invited to a wedding while I was pregnant and DD was a newborn, I think maybe 2 months old or possible 3 as she was prem when the wedding occurred. I was exhausted and wouldn't have gone if you'd paid me.

I had a similar situation - I was 5 weeks post birth and my SIL said DS couldn’t come (wouldn’t have been in any family pictures or anything either). I had a tough birth (emergency C section) and bit of a rocky start so the thought of leaving him was awful. It was only manageable because my parents came to the hotel the wedding was at and looked after him there - so I could keep popping up to BF every so often. But doing it without DS and husband there wouldn’t have been possible so soon after birth for me (I also didn’t realise how hard it would be to leave him). I’d say you need to do what is right for you, be honest with your friend about how you can make it work and if she isn’t flexible you might find you have to say no.

6 week old babies still feed every 1.5 to 2 hours. That's around the clock. You will need to physically recover from birth.

None of you should take an optional 3+ hour car journey at that age, you'll be sleep deprived and baby shouldn't be in a car seat that long. It's a no.

It was bridesmaid at a wedding 5 weeks postpartum. I was asked before I got pregnant, the bride gave me lots of outs but I didn't take it (she was allowing me to bring baby though, and my husband).

It was a disaster, I was still bleeding, I felt awful I didn't have a cute baby bump to show off I just felt fat, I was overly emotional.. I ended up leaving before the ceremony because I just couldn't take it. It was so stressful trying to get ready breastfeeding a newborn even with lots of support. She was amazing about it but I wish I'd said no from the start.

Just sharing my experience as there's lots of things you haven't considered, leaving baby is just 1, the biggest one granted.

A friend of mine planned her wedding 2 years in advance and it was child free. I was heavily pregnant when I went but another really good friend had a tiny newborn and was bf so couldn't go.

You might be able to go, if eg baby comes early, no C section, you end up bottle feeding, and baby is a good sleeper

But, quite a little of ifs there, and a good friend should understand if it feels too much

Don't ask if you can bring husband and baby. If they were welcome, you'd have been told

I would do this - decline invitation, ask if possible to watch ceremony online (preferably live), and once baby arrives consider if possible to attend in any way even just you sitting at back of church. Most weddings, a guest pulls out last minute, so you might be able to be slotted in at last minute

This.

Your ‘friend’ seems horrible if I’m honest.

At 6 weeks PP with my first this would have been impossible. I was struggling with feeding amongst other things and also had a c section so was only just starting to drive again - that much driving in one day would've done me in!

I went to a wedding when my first was 3 months and my husband was best man and I found that hard enough even with support there so I wouldn't want to be going alone with a baby either.

My second baby feeds a lot easier but this also means he's very much on demand and not in a schedule, at 6 months I'm just starting to try leaving him with others for set periods of time!

As others have said, if they are your best friend they would accommodate for you. Or they would understand you having to decline x