Page 11 | Help me reveal secret wedding plans to fiance!

Futball13 · 2023-02-06T10:56:41+00:00

So we have two young children, been engaged five years. He has dropped the odd hint. About a month ago I found 'the dress' and thought I may as well continue with the plans. Its a smallish affair at a country house with 28 family and friends. It's all planned for Easter Saturday, everyone knows apart from the groom! I have to get him to sign the marriage notice forms so plan to tell him on Valentines Day. Any bright ideas on a fun way of breaking the news?

R0ckets · 06/02/2023 19:52

Perhaps I know the surprise element will make it more special.

But you're getting married it doesn't have to be more special. To be honest given you've apparently done everything already then how much more a surprise is it going to be. Just tell him and ta-da he's surprised...

Johnnysgirl · 06/02/2023 19:56

R0ckets · 06/02/2023 19:52

Perhaps I know the surprise element will make it more special.

But you're getting married it doesn't have to be more special. To be honest given you've apparently done everything already then how much more a surprise is it going to be. Just tell him and ta-da he's surprised...

And he'll be even more surprised to find he's the last to know.

Confusion101 · 06/02/2023 19:57

@Johnnysgirl i couldn't give a fuck what other people think. I know nothing about the OP only what she has posted here. I think she has a lovely surprised planned and have suggested a way to reveal the secret. Maybe others could stick the thread subject at hand and leave their unkind, unasked for opinions in their miserable heads! Slán 🖐️

OttersMayHaveShiftedInTransit · 06/02/2023 20:05

Op you reveal the big news to him and he is indeed thrilled and delighted. He says 'wow I can't believe Kev and Dave have managed to keep this secret from me.' and you think 'Ooops I haven't invited Kev and Dave' is he going to be allowed to add to the guest list? Will you be uninviting a few of your guests so can can have his friends there?
There is a massive, massive difference between expecting the groom to pick the flowers and the bridesmaids dresses and asking him who he wants to invite.

itsnote · 06/02/2023 20:09

So no deposits paid for a bank holiday weekend wedding venue, yet you've invited 28 guests? Odd.

This thread shows that everyone (bar a very strange pp who is acting like your bestie) thinks it's a weird and controlling thing to do.

Your best mate might be egging you on but the other 27 people think you're controlling your DP and probably don't know what to say. I'd be very surprised if his family weren't concerned.

Tolstoysbackpack · 06/02/2023 20:14

When you do the big reveal surprise thing on Valentines Day, how will you honestly know if he is happy or not if all he does is hint at what he wants?

Countrybumpkinn · 06/02/2023 22:31

@Futball13 ignore all this negativity. You know your relationship and your man and I'm sure you've done this knowing he'll be chuffed to bits knowing he's not got to bother about any of the organising and stress involved in planning a wedding. There really are some odd and twisted thoughts on here, does make me wonder how many are married themselves and how many if they are put their DPs through the stress of sorting a wedding which all the majority will have bloody hated. For the record I'm getting married the same day as you, DP knows all about it and has gladly let me get on with sorting the whole lot x

Sandals12 · 06/02/2023 22:43

Ah thanks and congratulations!!! Yes I would challenge those married and negative on here to genuinely ask their spouse (in a non biased way) their opinion on it all and they might be surprised at the responses.

And if they were really honest with themselves did they (or partner) really enjoy all the planning. Did their partners really love getting involved or did some pretend to just to keep the peace?!

In my humble opinion proposal = intention to marry and if it means anything else then isn't that the proposers problem for not being true to their intentions and game-playing? There was absolutely no pressure to propose in first place. I'm not controlling or abusive because I happen to own my own house (wherever that came out of). Sorry

toomuchlaundry · 06/02/2023 23:54

@Sandals12 DH and I loved planning the wedding together. He would genuinely have been upset if not involved, the wedding was very much us. And I would have hated not being involved as well. It was small and not fancy but had special touches that we both chose.

OttersMayHaveShiftedInTransit · 07/02/2023 00:07

Did he genuinely care about flowers, dresses, table plans or colours - nope and I didn't involve him in those decisions. Did he genuinely care about the food choices, the music, the venue and that everyone that was important to him was able to be there etc yes so we choose those things together. Did I genuinely care about which beer was on tap or the transport logistics - nope so those were DH's decisions.
The day was our day and reflected our history together and our future together and I would have hated to send the message that I would make all the decisions (or do all the work). We are a team, we work together with the flexibility to know that we have different interests and different skills.

greenspaces4peace · 07/02/2023 00:34

my dh was non involved. my mother more so. father focused on the budgeting (yes married long ago). my mom went to all the venues organized the music and the cake. i did invites (cheaply by hand), bought my dress, sent patterns and fabric off to my bridesmaids to sort. men wore suits i assume they all previously owned (navy blue). i think my dad sorted out the liquor...
honestly dh did very very little by his own choice.

Derbee · 07/02/2023 00:48

There are a lot of holes in this story… However, incase it’s true, I do hope you’ll update with the actual truth.

But I suspect

not true
if true, so insane that we won’t get an update when he stalls and says that weekend doesn’t suit for some reason

HyacinthineMacaw · 07/02/2023 08:32

greenspaces4peace · 07/02/2023 00:34

my dh was non involved. my mother more so. father focused on the budgeting (yes married long ago). my mom went to all the venues organized the music and the cake. i did invites (cheaply by hand), bought my dress, sent patterns and fabric off to my bridesmaids to sort. men wore suits i assume they all previously owned (navy blue). i think my dad sorted out the liquor...
honestly dh did very very little by his own choice.

Yes, but had he actually agreed to get married at a particular date? If he had, then your situation has no bearing on the OP’s.

Johnnysgirl · 07/02/2023 08:38

honestly dh did very very little by his own choice
Except possibly agree to get married? It's such a fundamental element of a wedding, choosing the music and booze probably a little less so...

LondonJax · 07/02/2023 08:42

Sandals12 · 06/02/2023 22:43

Ah thanks and congratulations!!! Yes I would challenge those married and negative on here to genuinely ask their spouse (in a non biased way) their opinion on it all and they might be surprised at the responses.

And if they were really honest with themselves did they (or partner) really enjoy all the planning. Did their partners really love getting involved or did some pretend to just to keep the peace?!

In my humble opinion proposal = intention to marry and if it means anything else then isn't that the proposers problem for not being true to their intentions and game-playing? There was absolutely no pressure to propose in first place. I'm not controlling or abusive because I happen to own my own house (wherever that came out of). Sorry

Well, here's a married for twenty years answer. I'd already been married once and DH had never been married. We were both perfectly happy with the idea of a small wedding. Then we saw the venue we finally decided on. A couple of days later DH said 'would you be OK with a bigger wedding? The venue can hold 100. I'd love it to be that big and invite more friends'. So we did.

I organised all the dresses and chose the colour theme, organised the cake. DH wanted a specific car on the day so he did that and arranged the night before accommodation. We chose the photographer together and he organised a videographer as he liked the idea of a video - I wasn't bothered. He made the final decision about the meal as I couldn't decide between two options and he had definite thoughts.

So yes, he was heavily involved and, asking him about your question, yes he did want to be involved in the things he organised as he had a specific idea/look in mind.

He's always said he sees me as project manager - getting ideas and laying them out for him and himself as the doer. He gets things done, always has. If there's a deal to be had, he'll get it. If there's a problem to solve, he's done it. That's his job so he's good at it. We use each others strengths.

And no, I wouldn't say either of us 'enjoyed' the planning in answer to your other question. So who would do it all then? Me? Why me if I didn't enjoy it? Because I'm the bride? Don't think so!

Original poster

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 12:40

Johnnysgirl · 07/02/2023 08:38

honestly dh did very very little by his own choice
Except possibly agree to get married? It's such a fundamental element of a wedding, choosing the music and booze probably a little less so...

He proposed so is this not instigating, agreeing to get married?

OP posts:

Knoblauch · 07/02/2023 13:02

Agreeing to get married is BOTH parties saying 'yes I agree to get married to you', BOTH going to the registry office with all your legal documents to give notice of intent to marry, paying the notice fees, booking the marriage and paying those fees, BOTH turning up to the marriage ceremony and signing the legal documents with witnesses present. It isn't being coerced and can be nullified if one part has been forced to marry the other without valid consent. A marriage is a serious legally binding contract, not just an excuse for a fancy party.

Being engaged is a romantic notion that means absolutely naff all in real life.

Tolstoysbackpack · 07/02/2023 13:14

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 12:40

He proposed so is this not instigating, agreeing to get married?

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No, it’s not. It’s just a gesture. It’s not legally binding. A marriage is though. You should know this. The fact that you don’t or pretend not to is makes this worse.

RiktheButler · 07/02/2023 13:40

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 12:40

He proposed so is this not instigating, agreeing to get married?

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It's been FIVE YEARS. If that's not a clue, I dont know what is....

Original poster

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 14:50

Tolstoysbackpack · 07/02/2023 13:14

No, it’s not. It’s just a gesture. It’s not legally binding. A marriage is though. You should know this. The fact that you don’t or pretend not to is makes this worse.

Show quote history

His hand is hardly forced to sign the register though. Just a gesture, a pretty big one then!

OP posts:

Original poster

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 14:51

RiktheButler · 07/02/2023 13:40

It's been FIVE YEARS. If that's not a clue, I dont know what is....

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Two children is a slightly large commitment to someone wouldnt you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 14:53

Knoblauch · 07/02/2023 13:02

Agreeing to get married is BOTH parties saying 'yes I agree to get married to you', BOTH going to the registry office with all your legal documents to give notice of intent to marry, paying the notice fees, booking the marriage and paying those fees, BOTH turning up to the marriage ceremony and signing the legal documents with witnesses present. It isn't being coerced and can be nullified if one part has been forced to marry the other without valid consent. A marriage is a serious legally binding contract, not just an excuse for a fancy party.

Being engaged is a romantic notion that means absolutely naff all in real life.

Yes and all this still has to happen before we are married.

OP posts:

RiktheButler · 07/02/2023 14:59

Futball13 · 07/02/2023 14:51

Two children is a slightly large commitment to someone wouldnt you think?

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I truly hope you listen to your partner more than you've listened to anyone on here.

Five years, two kids and he's never, not once, sat down with you and discussed an actual wedding day, so you decide to railroad him by presenting it as all set up behind his back.

Sandals12 · 07/02/2023 15:41

RiktheButler · 07/02/2023 14:59

I truly hope you listen to your partner more than you've listened to anyone on here.

Five years, two kids and he's never, not once, sat down with you and discussed an actual wedding day, so you decide to railroad him by presenting it as all set up behind his back.

Show quote history

I've not sat him down either. He proposed probably expecting me to start plans but teo children got in the way. Maybe he thinks I don't want to. Hence the hints. Why even hint.

Had I started the plans immediately after the proposal are you suggesting he would stop it? Like even does thus ever happen!? He's with me, no-one is forcing him to stay.

Derbee · 07/02/2023 16:02

Not in any legal meaningful way which means he shares finances/pensions/assets etc.

A lot of men like having children with someone, having all of the “wife” benefits without the legal obligation.

You need to hope you haven’t got yourself one of those. But 5 years of no push to get married, doesn’t look good