Help me reveal secret wedding plans to fiance!

[Futball13]

So we have two young children, been engaged five years. He has dropped the odd hint. About a month ago I found 'the dress' and thought I may as well continue with the plans. Its a smallish affair at a country house with 28 family and friends. It's all planned for Easter Saturday, everyone knows apart from the groom! I have to get him to sign the marriage notice forms so plan to tell him on Valentines Day. Any bright ideas on a fun way of breaking the news?

It's her money to risk, she says it's being funded by her
Christ. How desperate is she?

On the off chance....are you UK? Because if you are, I don't believe that they won't interview. First marriage they didn't, second was third degree (and we are both born British with all relevant documentation)

If she surprises him and he isn't happy, then it's called off. Quite simple really.

Except all his friends and family members were invited, and are coming. That's a lot of pressure. TBF I know DH's BF would have said, "look mate this is supposed to be a surprise but just in case you think she's a nutter, you're getting married at Easter". Not a chance he wouldn't.

Bejesus - what if he says no! I suppose at least you'd know where you stand.

Shes not actually just meeting him at the alter on the day. He will have prior notice of the day.

He can agree, he can not agree, they might compromise and push the date back at the same venue.

She obviously knows their situation and thinks it's a good idea. If all family and friend haven't questioned it, maybe it's because he'd like it?

I can't believe that not one person who knows about the wedding didn't think this is a terrible thing to do.

Are you really sure that it will be received positively by him? It’s just that you were surprised with the amount of negative feedback about it on here.

what other hints has he given you about getting married apart from the ‘mummy wants to get married’ Hopefully he has said more than that to make you certain he will love it.

also, if you are going to go ahead with the surprise I wouldn’t use your children in it, I think that would be really pushing the manipulation.

I managed to get married during Covid. I don’t know anyone whose wedding was postponed indefinitely.

I actually know someone who got engaged in May 2021 and is now 7 month pregnant with her second child. So life didn’t get too much in her way.

I suspect you might be in a long term engagement with no date set? An engagement is an intention to marry - if you don’t actually get married, it means nothing, especially if the initial proposal was when the woman was pregnant and the man has made no effort to actually get married in the 5 years afterwards.

HE PROPOSED. so basically his idea to get married!! He is hardly being forced. He is hardly being forced. On driving past a wedding dress shop with a queue one day (when I was pregnant) he said you could look in there someday. As I said he's not a talker, this is his way of hinting to get going with the plans...maybe he has thought all these years that I was not keen.

With regards to joint finances. He is living in a house paid for by me. We contribute equally to the bills and he will be happy to pay his share of wedding. It's a no frills wedding which I know he will be happy about.

And flowers, colour scheme etc..how many men really want an input if we're really honest? Or if men were really honest with their wives...most of them couldnt care less and will go along with a lot to please the bride whether the bride knows it or not. Of course there are some who love all the planning but an educated guess would say they are in the minority.

Thanks to those who are seeing the positives ad have offered ideas. Much appreciated.

Maybe because they all know him and know that he will enjoy this

Hi @Futball13 marriage is a really big deal and the implications are really serious. Marriage is a legal contract as much as it is a public declaration of love and commitment. It isn't just a jolly (low key) knees up. Once you are married there will be next of kin legal obligations such as inheritance, non resuscitation etc etc.

Your DP might well be really happy for all this but you both need time to digest the commitment you making. This really won't be a good surprise.

What if your DP is actually happy with the status quo and actual marriage is just a passing thought?

Maybe keep the event details a surprise, but the legal stuff and vows etc really do need to be by consensus.

@Futball13 But OP, even if he’s ‘not much of a talker’ - surely if you’re getting married you can communicate well enough to say I will do all the planning but are you happy with this date /venue / guest list?

How did you decide to start trying for a baby? Or did he just hint and you stopped taking the pill?

DH was involved in every aspect of our wedding apart from the dress. Everything from venue, food, drinks, guests, music, photographer was a joint decision. He would have hated to have not been involved.

You may not have seen the many threads on here where men propose but have no intention whatsoever to get married and their partner waits for years to get married and it never happens, and it’s not because the men can’t be bothered to organise it

Not sure why you chose to quote me rather than the others who have told you this is a bad idea

Many grooms play a very small part in wedding planning, some do a lot of the planning. In 30+ years in the wedding industry I have NEVER heard of a groom being presented with his wedding as a fait accompli like this, and I genuinely believe that a registrar might have an issue with it - but that is purely conjecture.

Speaking as a man (which is taboo on Mumsnet) this is a dangerous plan. Imagine down the line when someone asks about his wedding day "how did you choose the venue, why that date" etc, and his reply is "My wife set it all up without telling me"

You are potentially setting yourself up for deep resentment, whatever his reaction to your humiliating surprise

But that's just my opinion

Yep, pretty much.

With regards to joint finances. He is living in a house paid for by me.

Oh, I see. So you've bought him?

OP, you are clearly determined not to listen to any feedback about how wrong your actions are.

If anyone recognises this scenario, please get the guy some help!

He's getting 2 months notice. People are making it sound like he's going to land at the venue the day of the wedding! Surely anything he wants to add or takeaway can be done in that time. Or if he wants to postpone that could also be arranged.

You don't seem to realise what you are saying with this. You are saying his opinion doesn't matter. What he might want for his wedding doesn't matter. That he doesn't matter. It's only about you. This is worse than being a bridezilla. 😳

Men often propose as a way of kicking the can down the road. Men who propose and do nothing about it five years later, we're CERTAINLY kicking the can down the road.

Why can't you just have an honest conversation along the lines 'getting married is really important to me, so can we set a date please?'

You could have said "I know you're probably not interested in the details, so will I just go ahead and arrange everything and let you know?" At least that would have given the guy the illusion of him mattering.

But if he says 'nice idea but I'd have preferred a beach wedding/wanted a bigger wedding/didn't want auntie Maud at the wedding?' What happens then?

How would she feel then having to 'undo' things and explain why? Particularly if there are people he doesn't want there or things he doesn't want to happen.

Deposits aren't always refundable if there's a clash of what his dream vs her dream wedding looks like and it doesn't include that venue.

Not forgetting, the catalyst for all this was finding the perfect wedding dress and, seemingly, deciding to book the wedding off the back of that! Why not just say 'listen, I've have found the perfect wedding dress. How about we set a date? I'm happy to do the leg work'.

And, as it's Easter and kids are on holiday, what if he's arranged a surprise for the whole family - a couple of weeks holiday leaving on the Saturday before the wedding for example...as a Valentine's day surprise....

Yes, he proposed, which means he wants to make you his wife one day.
... but maybe he would have wanted some input into what should be the biggest day of his life.

And imagine the conversation if he wants to postpone. What that will feel like for the OP? All that work, all that expense and he says 'great, but not yet love'. That would be a very public kick in the teeth.

Well OP I wish you luck, I sincerely hope that he is as placid and genuinely uninvested in huge decisions that affect his own life as you feel sure he is, and he puts the suit on and signs the thing and smiles for the photos, and you get the outcome you want.

All the very best.