Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I mean OP, having read this thread and others like it, I feel so so sorry for all MILs out there.

There are some bonkers sounding, spolit as women about.

We contributed to both our children’s weddings but who they invited was entirely up to them.
You don’t have to live with consequences that’s up to the couple - your reply to questioners or the offended (if there are any ) should be “it was their day, their choice”
People don’t have rights to attend weddings, if invited, great, if not just wish the couple well.

I can see why you are concerned. But this is an instance where you will have to repeat, “It’s not my decision. The guest list is nothing to do with me”. Because it isn’t.

Enjoy the wedding and accept no responsibility for the guest list

Don’t ask. It’s not your business. Even if you are right there isn’t anything you can do about it, it’s what they have chosen and what they are happy with.

If relatives are offended so what? All that matters is their marriage!

We couldn’t afford a large wedding and had to cut down to 50 due to covid. We decided to invite mostly friends and only immediate family (parents and siblings only).
we had our reasons and I wouldn’t have taken kindly to people questioning it. Once you start inviting family so as to not offend people it really racks up the cost and some people don’t want a big party to host all their relatives. Some people just want to be married.
A few years down the line we are happily married and I’ve not thought twice about whether auntie Brenda is offended I didn’t invite her or not. It’s just not what matters.

The budget will include close relatives. In my opinion, marriages are the joining of two people and their families, the wedding is the facilitating vessel.

I find this odd. When my sister got married, I didn’t by default become ‘joined’ to the groom’s family. I don’t have any feelings of connection towards them. I haven’t even seen his sister in the 11 years since.

My sister chose the man she wanted to marry. I didn’t choose him, so why should I have had any say in who was at the ceremony?

I volunteered our guest list to my future MIL as we are having quite a large wedding (100+) and wanted her to let me know if there were people on their side that my fiancé might have forgotten about.

If I was having a more restricted wedding I would also have the conversation but the threshold for an invite would understandably be much higher.

If the couple would rather share the day with close friends than family that they rarely see, that's their choice and should be respected. I'd ask if you can have the list just so you can get ahead of it with family members that aren't invited.

Ultimately it isn't your day. You mention having to deal with upset relatives, but you need to change your perspective. Why do you feel the need to deal with them at all? Not your decision, not your problem. Most adults have friends that they see or speak to regularly, and they (rightly so) are invited over family that aren't as important to your son and DIL.

Don’t interfere! It’s one day… their day!! If you piss her off you might end up missing out on much more.

when we got married we also kept numbers down. We only invited immediate family, we had our siblings, their partners and kids, (no other kids allowed) our parents obviously and grandparents. Our parents only had 2 siblings each so they were invited but as we had 12 cousins between us, plus their partners plus their kids we made the decision to not invite any cousins and just invited them to the evening. We had a handful of friends each and everyone else was invited to the evening.

Maybe prepare your family and say that your son and daughter in law are having a very small wedding and you’re unsure how many people will be invited…

we found it tough but ultimately we preferred to have friends there over ‘family’ who we hadn’t seen for literally years.

If there’s someone you’d really
like there you can ask your son and DIL,
but say it as you’d really love for this person to be there, but if it’s not ok you’ll understand.. Don’t just drop hints or digs,

Try to remember the wedding is just one day, take a back seat and enjoy the day…

I think you have missed the point @WomanStanleyWoman2. Whilst I am not close to either of my SILs or their DH's we share a bond via their parents, my children's grandparents. The children are also cousins.

Similarly DS and DD will always be brother and sister. Their children will be cousins. Their partner's parents will be our grandchildren's other grandparents.

Perhaps you just don't belong to a loving family. Do your mother and MIL not send each other Christmas cards? Did they not meet up at christenings where they also met your best friends who became God parents? Both Grandma's were so thrilled to speak to the DC's Godparents who they have heard about for 30 odd years. So thrilled to meet DIL's grandparents and sister. All of those people have supported our DC and loved them.

We did our wedding this year the way we wanted not what parents wanted (we paid if that makes any difference) and yes we had more friends there than relatives simply because we had a very small wedding of 30 and wanted those closest to us there. Therefore we had friends that are closest to us than relatives we rarely see

And its not your wedding so what gives you the right to vet the guest list?

Stay out of it is my advice That includes not providing explanations to your own family or any kind of 'peacekeeping '. Your £3k is no one's business either. Might not have been spent on the wedding. Relax. Relinquish control. Take the mother of the bride out for coffee or a cocktail, and use your diplomatic skills to build bonds between the two families. Smile and praise.

Or are you going to be one of those MILs that demands if I pay for xyz I demand Barbara from my floral art club must come otherwise i will wear a full on white wedding dress to prove a controlling point? Not your day love and if you do interfere expect future ramifications

Very patronising. No one from the groom’s family (bar OP and her dd) are invited. That’s pretty shit.

We had way more friends than fam thats who were closest to at the end of the day .
It's their choice and if my MIL asked I would say a big fat no :)

But r would you leave off all nephew and nieces? Without politely explaining to your siblings why they can't come?

(And we prefer our mates to your kids is never really acceptable if you want to stay on good terms with your sibling).

YABU

My DH has a large family. We had a small wedding and couldn't invite everyone. I was sick to the back teeth of MILs comments about how we'd invited close friends over rarely seen family.

If family are offended they're not invited, that's fine.
If those with kids can't get childcare so stay home, that's fine.

Neither have anything to do with you. And I'd have been furious to be offered money to invite people I didn't want present.

If your DH is brought to tears over an event that has little to do with him, may I suggest he plan his own party for all the family to be together.

Thing is, looking back we are far more likely to see our families/DH's cousins in the next 10 years than we are 50% of the friends who came to our wedding 32 years ago. We regularly see about 12 of the 50 friends who came to our wedding. Obviously we have made others since.

Again, thanks for all the responses... we will quietly talk to son regarding who on our side is invited.

Some on here are very quick to assume I am becoming the hated domineering MIL. Quite the opposite, in fact. My last post on here was a few months ago wondering if I should go to help choose her dress when I was invited. I didn't know if she was inviting out of obligation, but the vast majority said to go. I did, and we had a wonderful time. Her Mum, sister, me and two of her friends. We helped choose the dress (I kept smiling and said she looked wonderful in all of them, which she did), and had a fun, drinks filled dinner and evening together. We have a nice relationship, which I tend to maintain. I just think she is a bit overwhelmed with planning. I know the wedding will be small, which is great, but we just want to know who is invited or not. Would offer to pay if it means we can have our grandkids there, but will respect wishes otherwise.

My next step is to ask her what colour of dress I should choose... don't want to clash in photos.

If you and your husband are paying a significant proportion of the cost, you can have opinions. If not... it's their day.

If you aren't paying, but very much want to have some people come, you could in extremis offer to pay for the people you think should be invited, that's the pragmatic attitude.

Looking at your responses, you are paying a chunk of change to help out, so I see no reason not to request a small list of people are invited.

My FIL invited a work colleague that no-one apart from him knew. But he'd also paid for half of the wedding so our view was "well, if he wants to invite someone, it's not going to hurt". He was very nice.

Choosing between aunty Flo's huff against future DILs. This is not the hill you want to die on.

No don’t do this!! I would’ve hated my MIL saying if I pay for it would you invite the 3 cousins, their partners and kids!!….
mainly because I would’ve then had to find the money to invite my 5 cousins, partners and their 7 kids…
man’s not just about the money but We both had cousins we hadn’t seen for years, we didn’t want them there over friends.

As a doting grandmother I can see how you would want your grandchildren there, but I don’t think you should offer to pay so they can be. Your Son and DIL want a child free wedding. Perhaps they would like your full attention without turning round to see you playing with the grandkids.

The question is, were these family members people you didn’t want to invite at the time, but are now glad you did? Or did you always want them there? Because if you always wanted them there, it doesn’t really compare to the OP’s son’s situation.