Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

[mdinbc]

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

I thought you were going to say tears of relief that the helicopter mountain shots were cancelled.

Blimey, must say it's a relief to hear the bouquets will be safe. Julie Andrews complained that the draught from the rotor blades almost knocked her over.

@mdinbc having heard more, and I suspected it would be that, if ds and dil had behaved like that, DH and I would have absolutely laughed until we rocked and handed out grips as soon as it was mentioned. DS and DIL are amongst the first of their contemporaries to get married so I guess didn't have many comparisons. I guess if your DC expected to fund more than half the wedding they must be very high earners to contemplate those sorts of expenses.

I just don’t get this idea that contributing to a wedding somehow ‘buys’ you a say in the planning or a certain number of guest spots. Surely the only reason to contribute to your child’s wedding is to help them out; to give them the wedding THEY want? You can invite who YOU want to YOUR wedding!

Surely parents should only contribute if they want to help with the wedding, not control it. What about if parents find their child’s degree? Should they get a say in the course and choice of university? What about help with a house deposit - should they be able to approve the property, the road, the area?

OP - if you and your husband are ‘in tears’ at the idea of this happening without your grandchildren, why don’t you throw a family party of your own next time you have a big birthday or wedding anniversary? You pay, it’s your party - your son and DIL have no input, other than to accept or decline their invitation.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 we did fund our children's university and they each have a property in trust for them, bought when they were in their teens.

Whilst we did not have any say in their uni choices, they asked for our advice and reached their own decisions. Similarly, DS now has access to his trust, into which the rent is paid. He is using it sensibly and funding a very small central London rent. He asked our advice - we thought it would be more sensible to live in his own small house. He and dil wanted to be equidistant between us and her parents and also wanted the experience if living in London.

We will happily pay all of our daughter's wedding if bf's parents don't offer half as we did. Not engaged yet, but anticipated.
The budget will include close relatives. In my opinion, marriages are the joining of two people and their families, the wedding is the facilitating vessel.

If when dd gets married, she were to say ds's children weren't invited and neither was DIL, I'd be extremely disappointed in her and question how I'd brought up such a selfish madam. Although if that were the case it would be academic, because bf would have run for the hills. I don't think he'd have any truck with someone who so thoughtless and unkind.

Fortunately I have sensible children who aren't especially wanty.

Also @WomanStanleyWoman2 if we pay for dd's wedding, it's a family wedding where their preferences are given precedence but not at the expense of upsetting our small family.

I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask who is invited. They are adults who are at liberty to spending their wedding day with people of their own choosing, irrespective of who else feels they have a right to be there. I would think it would potentially sour your relationship with your DIL if you were to intervene.

That's the pickle.

e.g. Do the couple choose relative's just to try to be peace maker, or do they risk people and choose their firends and family that they are better relations with.

My DH was just about in tears when he realized that the GC weren't invited, he just wants the whole family (ours) together to celebrate"

Which is understandable, but on the flip side how enthusiastic would they all be vs, the couples friends ect ?

The best thing you can do is get married again and organise it how everyone you want! Big expensive weddings are insane. We had 23 of us in total at our wedding and it was perfect! We didn’t invite anyone we didn’t want there and we certainly wouldn’t have entertained adding anyone for the sake of it!

Much like bodies - not your wedding, not your say!

Do not offer more money so that more people can be invited. Do not say "I've given you this money so therefore I want this to happen".

This is their wedding. Not yours, the aunts, or all the other people who want to be offended. They're offended? That's their problem.

The bride and groom don't have to do anything others want. If they want 50 friends to attend then so be it. Do these family members who want to be offended make any sort of effort?

The budget will include close relatives. In my opinion, marriages are the joining of two people and their families, the wedding is the facilitating vessel.

I tend to agree with this, but it's an old-fashiioned idea on MN. I think I come from quite an old-fashioned old-values family.

But I've also noticed that in the younger generation of my family, those who insisted on griends before family, rarely see those friends, paticularly after having children. Yet we have more than several family events through out the year, and they all attend, and all the cousins hang out with each other.

So long as the no kids is consistent then it’s up to them. Know when people have been told no kids and organised childcare and then turned up and random kids are there eg not nephew or nieces that it’s caused friction as it was just their kids they didn’t want.

if relatives start asking you why they aren not invited give your kid’s phone number out and tell them to find out themselves. Not your problem.

Definitely don't ask. You can't do anything if it's 100% friends anyway. Not your day. If you are getting questions from relatives just smile and shrug and say the bride and groom are in charge. You can always throw your own mop up party/ family day afterwards.

It depends on how you’ll react to seeing the guest list. Are you hoping you’ll be able to push them into making changes? If that’s the case, then yes, I’d be offended. What will seeing it achieve?

I think if you give money towards a wedding, it should be a gift and not to essentially pay for spots on the guest list. It’s not a gift if you’re doing it to dictate what happens on the day. I wouldn’t accept a penny if it meant I had to bump some of my close friends in favour of relatives or extended family I don’t see or speak to. Weddings are about the couple and it’s their day, so it should be their choice who attends.

You say you’re the peacekeeper but really, what peace do you have to keep? If Auntie X is pissed off Auntie Y is invited and she isn’t, just simply say, “take it up with the bride and groom, you know I’ve got no control over the guest list!” Offer nothing more than that. Not your circus, not your monkeys. And I bet they won’t say a word to the bride or groom. People are so entitled about others’ weddings.

I wouldn't necessarily be upset about no children I've been to a wedding that they requested no children and to be honest it was nice to have a break. But if my son for instance hadn't invited my brother I'd be pissed off I've only got 4 people on my side of the family so not lots but hubby has a big family and there all close I think my hubby would be more miffed if ds didn't invite his side but there again where does it end before you know it your inviting a cousin that's 3rd removed from your mums side lol maybe just ask son who is going on our side xx

Your DH just wants the whole family there to celebrate- it’s not his wedding. I’ve no idea why you both feel so entitled. It’s not your event. If he wants a whole family celebration he needs to organise his own. Please just leave them to it.

We only had 30 at ours & would have been upset if MIL suggested inviting anyone other than our carefully selected guests. It would have upset me & put a damper on things.

Stay out of it, it’s their day. Other people being offended isn’t her responsibility (or yours for that matter). Life goes on. Again, it’s their day.

It’s the way I did it for mine and everyone had to like it or lump it. They did one or the other and eventually everyone just got on with it.

Don’t ask, it may create issues even though your intentions are good.

Why not host a pre or post wedding luncheon for the couple for the family members who are likely to miss out?

I think everyone understands that times are tight, but this is something you could do for the couple and smooth over any hurt feelings, whilst enjoying your own function.

When it's like that I can understand family first for the wedding,

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable but it depends on what you're going to do with that information and how you approach the conversation.

If you approach the conversation with "I know you're intending on a small wedding, I'm totally on board with that and understand that some people who might be expecting an invite won't be getting one. I'm just wondering if I could see the guest list, not because I want you to change it or add numbers etc but just so I'm prepared in case great aunt Jayne twice removed and uncle Bert ask where their invite is, I know that they aren't going to be receiving one and can answer them clearly."

I personally wouldn't be offended if I was approached in this way.

If you Intend to offer to pay more so that others can attend or try and persuade them to change the list then just don't ask.

You never know the conversation might prompt them to say we would of liked x y and z to come but funds were limited then you could offer more £ at that point.

I would want a small wedding and wouldn't want to invite and spent time catching up with relatives Iv never met or not seen since we were kids. no amount of money in the world would make me change my mind about inviting more and the wedding no longer being a small wedding. 2-3 more families could add another 10 (20%) guests.

I imagine my dd will want a marquee in the garden. Therefore we will have rather a lot to do with the planning.

In 1991 my mother was allowed to go pretty much free range. We gave her the guest list, she booked the tent, the chairs, the caterers, did the wine tastings, gave us three choices for the menu, sorted the flowers (my choice of colours), the cake, the cars, the invitations. We chose the church music and hymns, the music for the reception and drinks after. And we paid for the tent, meal, reception and music. Father paid the drinks bill. Mother paid for the flowers, cake and photographer.

If they are paying then it's up to them... My son got married 2 years ago and only gave myself and daughter's family 6 weeks notice... They didn't invite anyone else from our family and not many from hers.. Mainly their friends.. I initially panicked about family not being invited then thought what the hell its not up to me

The couple getting married are under no obligation to invite anyone they don't want to, regardless of who is footing the bill. It's their day, not their parents. Simple as that.

It’s not MIL’s wedding, MIL does not have any say in who is invited and who isn’t. If my MIL had requested to see our invite list I would have told her where to go. Our list was developed with careful thought and consideration, if someone was not on the list it was because we didn’t want them there.

Why ask? It’s none of your business it’s Their special day remember.