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Original poster

Is it ok for MIL to ask to see invite list?

463 replies

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:34

Asking from a MIL perspective.

Son and fiance are getting married in June, and want to keep guest list down to 50. They have indicated no children, which i know will greatly upset my DD, who will have to travel to wedding. I don't think any of my side of the family is invited either...

Somehow I have a feeling there are more of their friends than relatives invited, and I'm started to get worried about people being offended.

Would any young ladies on here be upset about this request?

OP posts:
BeepyBoo · 11/12/2022 18:32

When I saw this was a post from the MIL, I knew it would be the MIL to the bride - because you obviously see this as her doing / her wedding (confirmed by your comment that none of 'your' family are invited). You are already setting yourself up into an interfering/conflictual role in relation with your son's choice of partner. Feeling a bit sorry for the bride.
My MIL is often in conflict and competition with me. For God's sake, keep your nose out and accept that your son has grown up, has a new woman, you are going to take second place to his new (future) family. You are there to support. Let them make their own choices. Let them deal with the resulting conflict with their family-members (if any), and don't get involved in arguments that aren't yours. Cut those apron strings and leave the girl alone. Try to love and like her - or you will just make your son miserable (to no benefit to you).

Jem57 · 11/12/2022 18:39

My husband is a twin,on his nieces wedding day,other family members rang to ask what time we were getting there etc,we knew nothing about it,no invite for us,but their choice. Then after the event the niece brought her wedding album to show us,I said h is the wedding we never got an invite to,cringe.

2bazookas · 11/12/2022 18:46

Don't ask to see it.

Then if anyone you know or care about is offended , you can honestly say you had no idea why, no idea who IS going, and can't offer any explanation.

ewright86 · 11/12/2022 18:48

Yeah to be honest I would be offended. Weddings are expensive and they want to enjoy it with their friends and people they feel close to. Why should they feel pressured into inviting children who won’t enjoy it and be bored or family they don’t see very often or know very well. It is their day let them be.

Dahliasandtea · 11/12/2022 18:52

I would have probably shown you but had you then complained about it we would have had a problem. And that goes for my mother too.
We spilt the guests 50:50 between us. My husband wanted to invite loads of famil and I told him that was fine but it didn’t change his allocation. I invited my mum, sister and my favourite aunt. He eventually realised that he would have been inviting family he didn’t much like and didn’t have any real connection with just out of duty. So we had more friends than family and those friends are way more involved in our lives and marriage than any of the family. And that’s what I think a wedding should be….. making vows in front of the people who will be with you throughout and who will be able to support the marriage the best. That was our friends.

had my mother or MIL to be interfered I would have told them that they had had their chances with their weddings to invite who they wanted and this was our wedding and it was our choice. I started as I meant to go on. In charge of our decisions and life.

bigknickersbigknockers · 11/12/2022 18:55

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 09/12/2022 23:36

All depends who’s paying in my opinion. If you’re not paying, it’s none of your business!

Definitely this👆🏻

jamoncrumpets · 11/12/2022 18:56

mdinbc · 11/12/2022 03:09

Hmmm,
girlmom21, I do not want to pressure them, like I previously said, I love them and respect that they are having a smaller wedding - we are all for it. I do realize it is their special day.

calphurnia - I think DIL just jumped into a magazine style wedding plan without fully realizing all the costs and overwhelming amount of planning. She chose 6 bridesmaids, had a photoshoot involving a helicopter on a mountain, sent out engagement announcements and had a party, has already purchased an expensive dress, etc. We have not said a word to either of them, but just worried that it was getting out of hand with their working-class lifestyle and family. I think perhaps my son and she finally had a realistic discussion, and reeled it all in to a smaller venue and guest list. We are more than grateful that plans are scaled back, but were a bit shocked to hear our 4 grandchildren weren't going to be a part of it. Older DS also has two kids the same age group.

If it is possible to pay for the GC to come, then we would offer. We don't really care about cousins, etc, since we know how guests list can grow. If they are adamant that they don't want kids, we would also respect that. My DH was just about in tears when he realized that the GC weren't invited, he just wants the whole family (ours) together to celebrate.

Perhaps we will just have a word with our son to ask who on our side is invited. We have no intention of causing a fuss or being intrusive.

It's their day. Not yours. Not your childrens'. Not your grandchildrens'.

Theirs.

MsRosley · 11/12/2022 19:01

If they've taken money from you, then I think you have a right to make a polite enquiry.

RosesAndHellebores · 11/12/2022 19:04

The attitudes of lots of posters on this thread would lead dh and me towards a very hard no. The level of entitlement is breathtaking. If the B&G pay for everything they are by default the hosts. It is the duty of the hosts to take into account the needs of their guests.

Doidontimmm · 11/12/2022 19:07

MsRosley · 11/12/2022 19:01

If they've taken money from you, then I think you have a right to make a polite enquiry.

But was the money given as a gift or with a stipulation on what it was spent, if my PIL had offered money I’d have expected them to tell me if it came with a request!

Slv199 · 11/12/2022 19:18

mdinbc · 09/12/2022 23:46

We gave about 3000 pounds, but with no stipulations. I do realize MIL role is to put on a nice dress and a smile... but we will have to live with consequences of one aunt being invited but not the other, sister not talking to brother, etc...

I tend to be a peacekeeper in the family, and would offer more money if it meant keeping everyone happy, but right now I don't know who is invited or not.

If you don’t see the list you can claim ignorance. I’m really sorry I didn’t know who was invited. If you have a problem you’ll have to take it up with the groom.

Cantstandbullshit · 11/12/2022 19:19

EL8888 · 09/12/2022 23:48

What happens after you see it and don’t agree with it? It’s not a good rabbit hole to go down and it’s their choice who they invite. Also the fact it’s a small wedding is also their choice

Yes their wedding their choice but to say the grooms mother doesn’t even know who from her family is invited and who is not until the day is ridiculous.

so on the wedding day it’s oh you were invited too nice, Jane? I guess she wasn’t, not sure.

Not saying they have to change their list but at least she can know who is and isn’t invited ahead.

Catlitterqueen · 11/12/2022 19:26

My exMIL was appalled when we said we were only inviting 50 guests (we paid for the whole wedding).
I visited one afternoon and found her and DHs SIL sitting together deciding to invite to my wedding!
MIL wanted to invite every single friend of hers who had invited her to their child’s wedding. She said ‘how am I going to tell them they’re not invited’ and had obviously built them up to expect an invite.
Please don’t set yourself up as an interfering MIL. My wedding was 20 odd years ago, I divorced and remarried but the trouble this woman caused still resonates!

ICanHideButICantRun · 11/12/2022 19:29

I can completely understand them not wanting everyone to bring their children but if there are only four nephews and nieces in total and if they are well behaved, I think it's very mean to exclude them. Presumably they will want those children to consider any children the B&G may have to be part of the family.

MissDaisySky · 11/12/2022 19:31

Could you arrange a meal at your home after the honeymoon, in honour of the new couple, and include some guests who were not invited to the wedding? Not sure if that's a done thing where you are

MardyMincepie · 11/12/2022 19:32

I think adult children should be allowed to make their own cock ups and that includes the stupidity that comes with many weddings.

My MIL tried to interfere so much with the guest list, ideas on colour schemes etc I almost cancelled the wedding.

I don’t like child free weddings but it’s up to them. There seems to be less people willing to have tea and a sandwich in a village hall for a reception these days and weddings seem to cost an absolute fortune and get out of hand with entire weekends or even week long hen and stag parties and bridal showers, It is their money to waste.

Its not always cost regarding children I think it’s them wanting a certain look.

If people have lived together before which is just about everyone they should foot the entire bill. As far as I am concerned it’s progress people live together first but don’t expect a hand out.

niugboo · 11/12/2022 19:35

You’re already crossing the line.

Bleachmycloths · 11/12/2022 19:39

I do not agree with the idea that it is up to the couple and no one else gets a say in who is invited. There has to be some compromise as it isn’t just a ‘party’. There are a few conventions to be satisfied. Most couples should accept that there will be a handful of guests who they personally would not have invited in the interests of keeping everyone happy. It is very selfish and rude for a couple not to give way just a little.

PurBal · 11/12/2022 19:40

I would normally say you have no input. However, having been one of 4 on the grooms side at a wedding I do think it’s okay to have a heads up so you know who may be offended. There were 30 at the wedding, about 14 brides side, 12 friends and 4 grooms side. We had to apologise to a whole host of people, tell them it was small etc, then the bride shoved photos in their face saying things like “and this is my friend X”. Was very uncomfortable. She was oblivious of the hurt caused.

Dacadactyl · 11/12/2022 19:42

@PurBal she sounds like a nightmare.

NumberTheory · 11/12/2022 19:44

Cantstandbullshit · 11/12/2022 19:19

Yes their wedding their choice but to say the grooms mother doesn’t even know who from her family is invited and who is not until the day is ridiculous.

so on the wedding day it’s oh you were invited too nice, Jane? I guess she wasn’t, not sure.

Not saying they have to change their list but at least she can know who is and isn’t invited ahead.

Show quote history

Since OP’s whole point in wanting to see the list is so that she can try and influence it it kind of gives the lie to your agreement that it’s “their wedding, their choice”.

As others have explained, if there is likely to be family fall out, this is a protective measure for OP, whether she likes it or not. If she sees the list and is concerned that certain people aren’t invited, what happens then? Does she wreck her relationship with her DS and put pressure on his relationship with his fiancée by kicking up a fuss? Or does she sit with the knowledge there will be fall out elsewhere in the family (which could be seen as complicit agreement by those who are offended)?

Not knowing isn’t “ridiculous” if you have a family that is liable to that sort of drama. It’s a way to minimize the impact of that destructive dynamic (and also to have the “blame” for it fall where it is deserved).

Sennelier1 · 11/12/2022 19:46

Our own wedding party was the worst we ever went to and we ran of at midnight. First a nearly 3 hours reception where I didn't know half of the 300 invites. Then the party itself, nearly 200 invites. It was a big do with buffet and dance and everything. We hardly had a handful of very dear friends there, not allowed to ask more, most people friends and relatives of my parents who indeed payed for the whole thing. My advice? Let the young couple do what THEY want, even if they choose McDonalds only the two of them. .

MeridianB · 11/12/2022 19:47

Your first post sounded sensitive and reasonable, but your updates are veering much more towards wanting to change things.

I’d step right away from the guest list and accept they want to do things their way. Stop indulging your DD’s moans about no children. It sounds like she wants to make a massive point by not taking her DH. Your DH getting upset about the GC is not helping. And that’s before the missing aunts etc.

Don't be the apologist or peacekeeper. It will horribly backfire and cause unnecessary drama. Instead, just go with it and enjoy it for what it is.

PurBal · 11/12/2022 19:49

@Dacadactyl people are funny eh?

burnoutbabe · 11/12/2022 19:52

It would seem ridiculous to most people if a mother says she had no idea who is invited to her sons wedding. It basically says her son and her are not close at all, which is also not something most mothers would want to say to anyone.

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