Declining Hen party invite

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

It’s abroad (1 hour flight) for a weekend

I was excited about it and wanted to go -

I have an 11 month old and now that it’s coming closer I don’t actually feel ready to leave her overnight yet (she will be 13 months at time of hen) she’s breast fed and still needs a feed once in the night and just before bed and will
Absolutely not take a bottle

She would probably be ok with my husband - he’s well able to look after her -but I just have a sense of dread about being far away from her - I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Being a flight away just feels to much

Told my friend all this and declined the invite and offered to take her out to the theatre and dinner & cocktails another night just the 2 of us instead!

She has since text me saying

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

Since then she has not spoken to me nor have I actually received an invite to the wedding (everyone else has)

Wtf 😳 I’m so sad and also angry thinking I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not being ready to leave my baby

Do I message her and try salvage things or just let the friendship go

Bridezilla much

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@MattHancocksPrivateNurse we can agree to disagree. From personal experience everyone has financial difficulties at a point in time. When a single person potentially living alone, saving for a house, having to feed a single household (more expensive than a couple per person) etc goes out of her way to celebrate your days (hen, wedding, kids) it's not right to make her feel bad when it's her "turn" and she's upset you aren't doing the same. I was that person who sacrificed my own holiday to attend a hen with 14 women I didn't particularly know, paid a fortune for a hotel room (single person surcharge) for two nights to attend a wedding, paid a fortune to travel up and down the country to attend a wedding then purchased a gift on top of that. You do that because you think you have a strong friendship. Of course you'll be upset if your friends downgrade that friendship when you ask for the same.

You are basically punishing her for not finding her "one" as young as you did and that's not fair.

Most of the women on this thread had their days and loved the focus but then make your friends feel shit for wanting the same.

Reminds me of the SATC episode where Carrie attended a child's party/baby shower in expensive shoes and her friends kid destroyed them. Instead of apologising the friend tried to shame Carrie for buying expensive things - because Carrie wasn't a mother. The friend conveniently forgot how much Carrie has done over the years for her and her kids, wedding etc. That's what some of you remind me of.

OPs friends text was valid - she was being honest. She's better than me as I wouldn't say anything but I would draw back. In fact I have. [/quote]
I agree with you and have experience of this myself.

Friendship is reciprocal actually. The best friends do put themselves out for you as you would for them.
Its fine for the Op to not go because of her anxiety. As she said she has “heaps of other friends”.
Also fine for her friend to be honest and tell her why she’s upset.

I think it’s disingenuous to say “ well she could have said no to my hen”.

It feels like the "friendship isn't reciprocal" comment is being used to make a few people feel better about themselves and the kind of friend they are.

It's clear the friend has just had enough. Fair play to her for her honesty. Just because you have a child does not mean you cannot be called out on your bullshit.

@SukiToast

It feels like the "friendship isn't reciprocal" comment is being used to make a few people feel better about themselves and the kind of friend they are.

It's clear the friend has just had enough. Fair play to her for her honesty. Just because you have a child does not mean you cannot be called out on your bullshit.

It’s a bit much isn’t it? A mother who wants to be close to her baby is being called out on her bullshit. I don’t think that’s fair.

@CoopsMalloops OP has already said they're not close, so to me this has nothing to do with the baby.

Of course she wants to be close to her baby! And no one should ever have to do anything they don't want to do. And it's clear OP doesn't want to go, so that is fine. But it's also fine for her friend to be disappointed. But OP just can't seem to grasp that or that her friends feelings are valid in anyway. I don't see how you can be close enough to be invited to a hen do and a wedding but not actually care in the slightest how your friend feels. That's so strange. The text her friend sent makes it very clear this was just the last straw, and from the way OP has spoken of her friend and the situation, it doesn't read like she even cares, so I guess I'm a bit confused why she's on here asking about it. Unless just to make herself feel better.

Obviously I could be wrong. But that's what the text reads like to me. Sent from a friend who has just had enough. And OPs reaction to it, and the dismissive way she speaks about her friend, and the "fine!! I'm a shit friend for wanting to feed my baby" fake woe is me outrage didn't help.

OP is a grown woman who can make her own decisions, no one is saying she can't. But what people are calling her out on is her attitude towards her friend. The more she posted the more it was clear that she just did not see this friendship as important at all - so why care about not going to the hen or the wedding? Her friend has called her out on this and to be honest based on OPs posts, I think that's deserved.