Declining Hen party invite

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

It’s abroad (1 hour flight) for a weekend

I was excited about it and wanted to go -

I have an 11 month old and now that it’s coming closer I don’t actually feel ready to leave her overnight yet (she will be 13 months at time of hen) she’s breast fed and still needs a feed once in the night and just before bed and will
Absolutely not take a bottle

She would probably be ok with my husband - he’s well able to look after her -but I just have a sense of dread about being far away from her - I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Being a flight away just feels to much

Told my friend all this and declined the invite and offered to take her out to the theatre and dinner & cocktails another night just the 2 of us instead!

She has since text me saying

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

Since then she has not spoken to me nor have I actually received an invite to the wedding (everyone else has)

Wtf 😳 I’m so sad and also angry thinking I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not being ready to leave my baby

Do I message her and try salvage things or just let the friendship go

you don't feel comfortable with it and that is enough.

Well, this is true. Then you have to accept the potential end of a friendship. The friend makes the point that she had missed an important family event for OP's hen. That's why she's upset that OP doesn't seem to feel her hen is a priority.

@Wedonttalkaboutboris

She’ll have a baby in a few years and realise what an ass she was

I was going to say this too.

@EarringsandLipstick I suppose it depends though- that was the friends choice. If her friend had messaged OP and said ‘so sorry I can’t make your hen it’s my mums 60th that weekend’ and OP had said ‘oh no what a shame! No worries have a fab time’ then it’s the same isn’t it. It’s respecting someone’s decision of what to do with their time- the friend chose OPs hen but that’s not her fault?! If that makes sense.

That's a fair point @MattHancocksPrivateNurse (great UN by the way!)

@EarringsandLipstick thanks

Cringing beyond belief at all those spouting the oh she'll understand what a dick she's being when she has kids of her own. What absolute rubbish.

@pictish

Same planet, different worlds. You’re all BABY and she’s all WEDDING and neither can see past your own pov. It happens.

I don’t know if she will ‘get it’ when she has a baby. We’re all different and I would have left mine behind with dh for a weekend away at 13 months. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, you should do what you’re comfortable with…but I wasn’t an anxious mum and never much related those who were. She might not either.

Exactly. Some Mum's won't 'get it' if they weren't or aren't anxious Mum's but I'd at least hope that they would understand that like you say people are different and deal with things differently.

We all talk about how important mental health is these days and how we shouldn't judge others until we've walked a day in their shoes. Yet on the other hand people think just because they could leave their baby at a certain age then other mums should also be able to do the same and that isn't fair.

OP it sounds like you have been through a really difficult time with the birth of your baby and from experience I know that is extremely difficult to overcome and 'get over'. I don't think anybody has the right to make you feel bad for putting your self and your baby first. It's a hen party ffs!

@istandwithukraine

At 11 month’s her baby’s main source of nutrition is still breast milk.

Not over the age of 12 months it isn't

Gawd, I wish someone had told my firstborn this(!) He refused to eat pretty much all foods until about 18m and even then it was literally crackers and fruit. He wouldn't take cows milk or formula either so my milk was very much his main source of nutrition. I do wish people wouldn't be so dichotomous about what it's like for babies when it comes to feeding.

IrishMama2015
Wow...and I would absolutely say no to the rekindling too.. Good job!

Could you not do a trial run close to home then at least you have tried to leave her?i would be a bit meh about a friend not leaving a 13 month old too.

You know what, people who go abroad for hen/stag parties are unreasonable
Don’t worry about it OP

@Donson I think people are perfectly entitled to go abroad for their hen do or wedding but I do think they absolutely cannot complain that anybody chooses not to/is unable to go for this reason whether that’s due to family or finance or whatever. I have a yearly holiday abroad if I’m lucky- ‘popping’ to Spain is a big deal when you have a job and kids and money is tight! Drives me mad when people with plenty of cash expect others to do it without thinking and cite ‘lack of effort’ when you can’t come on a £500 weekend away.

I'd say she was never much of a friend.

It’s interesting how split the responses are. I can see why your friend is disappointed but I also think she should be more understanding.

I think it’s fair to say you’re not ready to leave your baby at that age, however I do think that it’s necessary to just go for it at some point and 13 months is a good age to start. The thought of it is harder than the reality and honestly, after feeling a bit sad, the first time I headed off for a night away without my DD I felt so free! Missed her like mad but also loved it.

I breastfed and my DD wouldn’t take a bottle but she had milk in a sippy cup after 12 months - I’d recommend introducing a cup now if you haven’t already to get her used to it. After 12 months she can have alternative milk to breast milk, so no need to pump, although I had to take a pump away with me as I got huge lumpy boobs after no night feed.

The best thing was, after me being away for a night, DD did several nights of sleeping through! She went back to waking after a while but it was amazing while it lasted.

I sit here after going out at 6pm evening out returning now to screaming baby looking for milk and refusing a sippy cup just very distressed

For another poster who asked I actually am back at work - I feed her just before we leave the house and then she is fed again as soon as I pick her up and again once more before bed

At weekends she seems to increase how much milk she needs/wants - maybe that’s more a want than a need I don’t know and maybe she be fine without me - but I don’t feel comfortable just leaving her when I know how much she seems to need me

She will drink water from a cup - not milk

I only have a haaka pump nothing else and get fuck all from it these days

I’m not gonna get another pump to leave enough milk for or a Night away (she won’t drink anyway !!)

Maybe @MissDynamite23 she will drink cows milk next month

Sort my issues out

But right now it’s difficult and I having a hard time
So to plan something even a month down the line is hard so it declined as easier tbh

I can’t even picture next month

I can see where your friend is coming from. Your child isn't a new born and could be left. She seems to havd made a big effort for you.

Ok people I’ve different opinions

To me someone coming away for a night out for a hen that you invite them too doesn’t mean they have then banked a weekend away from you to a different country

Friendship isn’t a point scoring - tit for tat thing

I’m not comfortable leaving my baby yet - I thought I would be - but I’m not

I left her for the evening tonight as I said at 6pm and she had been screaming crying since 10.30 and has only eventually calmed and went to bed since i came home and fed her

Sorry if I’m a shit person for not yet feeling ready to leave my precious baby yet ebb I will always put her first

@Fupoffyagrasshole I think you've made the right decision. I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my baby to go out of the country. It's sad you're having to justify your decision and as I said earlier, the message your friend sent was nasty and uncalled for. I hope she regrets it and apologises to you.

If you aren’t comfortable leaving your baby it’s totally fine. I had no choice - I was back doing regular night shifts with my 11 month old EBF baby and I didn’t like it one bit. Your friend has every right to feel upset though, both because she thought you were close friends and because she put effort into your hen. I think it’s really condescending actually for others to say ‘she’ll only get it when she has a baby’ - everyone has different tolerance levels to what is acceptable to them as parents. Just own your decision like she has owned hers - you haven’t done anything wrong.

Just briefly read the start of these comments and saw someone saying you don’t have an actual valid reason to say no. For starters, no is enough of a valid reason. You don’t actually have to justify yourself (which I do far too often). Secondly, you absolutely have the most valid reason there is to have!! Your child needs fed as well as the fact you had no way of knowing how you’d feel about leaving her at this stage. I haven’t left my baby yet overnight (6 months) and I don’t think I will for a while. My friend had a baby at the same time and is the complete opposite, which is also fine. She can’t seem to understand why we haven’t been weekends away and left him yet 🤷🏼‍♀️ It’s not for practicality of being available in the unlikely event they’d need to go to hospital even, it’s just not wanting to put myself through the constant feeling of unease and anxiety of being away from him. You’ve obviously weighed up your enjoyment of the night out vs that feeling of uneasy and it’s just not worth it! I’ve stopped reviving friendships now if they’re on their last legs, after years of dragging them on to have a ‘catch up’ now and again, I just let them go

Honestly, even if she is a cowbag whose friendship YOU no longer want, I would put on the WhatsApp group what you wrote about you not realizing friendship was transactional… That your hen’s do wasn’t a flight away, but a 20 minute train trip, and given that she didn’t check on you when you had your baby, and when you were so sick afterwards you were admitted to hospital several times, etc… perhaps she should evaluate whether SHE has been a good friend to you. She obviously has incredibly high standards for other people that she doesn’t expect for herself.

[quote SaintVal]@Fupoffyagrasshole I think you've made the right decision. I wouldn't have felt comfortable leaving my baby to go out of the country. It's sad you're having to justify your decision and as I said earlier, the message your friend sent was nasty and uncalled for. I hope she regrets it and apologises to you. [/quote]
I genuinely don't think her friends message was that bad. She was honest to say she was disappointed - what friend wouldn't be if one of their "close" friends couldn't go? And she told OP how she felt. She has every right to feel the way she does.

And OP has every right to feel the way she does too. One does not trump the other and one does not need to be the "bad guy"

From reading the further updates, I think it's clear this is a case of two friends drifting apart. Perhaps neither putting in the effort into the friendship that the other feels they should and ending up being disappointed in eachother. It happens, and that's fine. If I was OP I wouldn't justify my feelings any more, but I also wouldn't expect an apology from the friend, as I don't think the friend has done anything wrong here. I'd just accept that they're at different stages, with different priorities, and it is what it is.

Your baby is more important to you than her hen do.

If she wanted you there that much, then she should have organised it somewhere that was a bit closer to home, so that you would be able to go.

She is being utterly selfish and inconsiderate.