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Original poster

Declining Hen party invite

130 replies

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/03/2022 12:23

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

It’s abroad (1 hour flight) for a weekend

I was excited about it and wanted to go -

I have an 11 month old and now that it’s coming closer I don’t actually feel ready to leave her overnight yet (she will be 13 months at time of hen) she’s breast fed and still needs a feed once in the night and just before bed and will
Absolutely not take a bottle

She would probably be ok with my husband - he’s well able to look after her -but I just have a sense of dread about being far away from her - I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Being a flight away just feels to much

Told my friend all this and declined the invite and offered to take her out to the theatre and dinner & cocktails another night just the 2 of us instead!

She has since text me saying

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

Since then she has not spoken to me nor have I actually received an invite to the wedding (everyone else has)

Wtf 😳 I’m so sad and also angry thinking I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not being ready to leave my baby

Do I message her and try salvage things or just let the friendship go

OP posts:
cornflakedreams · 04/03/2022 19:00

"Not understanding what it is like to have a child" has sod all to do with her being hurt by your disrespectful and condescending attitude.

Of course your friend is hurt that you've been so blatantly disrespectful.

I don't even like weddings or hen parties, I just think you've handled this abysmally.

Rainbowshine · 04/03/2022 19:07

Hmm I wonder if cornflakedreams is the “friend” here?

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 04/03/2022 19:14

@Rainbowshine my thoughts too!

Samsara12 · 04/03/2022 19:20

I had to decline a hen party. My son is 11 months and will be 14 months if I went. I have exclusively breast fed him and just would have massive mum guilt if I had 2 nights away! Sometimes you have to put you and baby first and do what works best for you. Best part of being a mum and I don't regret declining whatso ever and neither should you no matter what anyone says 💙

Wartywart · 04/03/2022 19:25

I seem to come across quite a few threads about this sort of thing. What on earth is wrong with a few drinks at a local pub for one evening? All these expensive trips abroad, costing both too much money and too much upset. People, just stop it!!!

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 04/03/2022 19:27

@cornflakedreams how has the op handled this abysmally? She was invited a few weeks ago, she took a few days to think about it and respectfully declined with a valid reason. She hasn’t been disrespectful or condescending.

firstimemamma · 04/03/2022 19:31

Yanbu op, there is no way I could leave a baby that young to go abroad either. Your so called friend should've been more understanding especially as you went about things so thoughtfully and offered the theatre / drinks thing as an alternative.

EarringsandLipstick · 04/03/2022 19:31

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

I'm going to go against the majority here.

The text from your friend is reasonable. She's pointing out that she prioritised you & you are not doing the same for her. It's one night, a short flight away.

Of course your 11 mo would be fine.

Of course you don't have to go. But I can understand why your friend is disappointed. She has expressed it fairly, I think. You'll need to accept that's her view, and see if the friendship can survive this (seems unlikely).

blahblahbiscuits · 04/03/2022 19:36

I'm a bit on the fence here tbh.

I understand why your friend is upset. She was clearly looking forward to having you there. She has mentioned that it seems you don't care about the wedding, have you checked in with her during the planning? Taken an interest? been excited for her? Because if not, that could be adding to her annoyance. Not going to the hen could just be the last straw for her.

I know hardcore mumsnetters tend to believe no one should be excited or care about a wedding other than the bride Confused but actually if she put in a lot of effort for yours, it would be understandable why she's hurt now it's not being reciprocated. Although yes I agree friendships should not be transactional, but nor should one stop making any effort at all to be a good friend.

On the other hand, I get it's hard to leave your child. Sounds like you were honest and upfront as soon as possible, which is all that could be asked for really isn't it. Not like you've changed your mind last minute! i think perhaps I'd check in with her again, ask her if there's anything you can do to help with the wedding, and say that perhaps yous should meet to have a chat about it all.

blahblahbiscuits · 04/03/2022 19:39

It also makes me really uncomfortable when people post that their should would "probably" or "should" be ok with their father for the night.... if you are not 100% certain your child is safe in the capable hands of their father, why are you having a child with him?! And if the reality is that the child would indeed be absolutely perfectly fine with their father, and it's just the mother does not want to leave the child, then belittling the fathers ability to parent is not a nice move. Not aiming this at you OP, just from a few things some posters said. It's always a statement I see on here, and I find it quite sad for the dads involved.

ZenNudist · 04/03/2022 19:45

I think YABU but you've done it now. Even if BFing you could have gone, pumped and dumped. Really you are saying your friend is not important to you. If money is an issue then YWNBU to say no but flights can be cheaper than a train fare.

Could you call apologise and say you will come? At 11mo a baby can be left with dad or GPs.

Original poster
Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/03/2022 19:49

@blahblahbiscuits you know what I haven’t Checked in a lot about the wedding but she never once checked in with me since my baby was born - I had a very traumatic birth (general anaesthetic emergency c section) several infections afterwards was very ill and in and out of hospital - she never checked in with me much during this time

Tbh with peoples weddings I never really care that much - like seriously I thought you just accepted the invite and said great thanks look forward to seeing you there

Not sure how much else I need to be involved tbh 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/03/2022 19:52

@ZenNudist what would I pump for if the baby won’t drink it 😂 I already said she won’t drink a bottle

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 04/03/2022 19:57

@ZenNudist

I think YABU but you've done it now. Even if BFing you could have gone, pumped and dumped. Really you are saying your friend is not important to you. If money is an issue then YWNBU to say no but flights can be cheaper than a train fare.

Could you call apologise and say you will come? At 11mo a baby can be left with dad or GPs.

At 11 month’s her baby’s main source of nutrition is still breast milk. What do you suggest OP’s baby does for nutrition during this time?
Original poster
Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/03/2022 19:57

Haha @cornflakedreams

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 04/03/2022 19:58

She's being a dick OP. It's presumably her to choice to have her hen-do a flight away. If it wasn't, it sounds like you'd be there like a shot?

When will Women learn that you can't pin all your dreams on a (usually expensive) trip away for your hen do and then sulk when people can't or just don't want to go.

I'm not going to the Hen of a very close friend this year because it's 5 weeks before my own wedding and I can't justify the cost. She's been absolutely fine about it because she appreciates that her wedding is actually the important bit, and wild horses wouldn't keep me from that (despite it also being a trip abroad, for me).

istandwithukraine · 04/03/2022 19:58

To be honest I also see why your friend is upset. Your child will be 13 months not 13 weeks

I'm guessing if you are in the U.K. and it's a 1 hour flight that the hen night is is Edinburgh or Dublin since there is no where else "abroad" you can fly to within that time

Did she miss an important family event to attend yours? Not that it should be tit for tat but you are sort of showing her that whilst she was happy to prioritise your friendship over whatever she also had going on you're not prepared to do the same for her

blahblahbiscuits · 04/03/2022 19:59

[quote Fupoffyagrasshole]@blahblahbiscuits you know what I haven’t Checked in a lot about the wedding but she never once checked in with me since my baby was born - I had a very traumatic birth (general anaesthetic emergency c section) several infections afterwards was very ill and in and out of hospital - she never checked in with me much during this time

Tbh with peoples weddings I never really care that much - like seriously I thought you just accepted the invite and said great thanks look forward to seeing you there

Not sure how much else I need to be involved tbh 😂[/quote]
Well then you both are clearly just not that close. So the loss of the friendship shouldn't matter to either of you. I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Friends take an interest in each other's lives, and check in with eachother. Well any friends I've had anyway.

Sorry to hear you had such a traumatic experience, I'm sure it wasn't easy.

In regards to the weddings, my comment was more in the case of yous being close friends. Majority of my friends were always asking if they could help, and it was greatly appreciated! But if yous aren't close I get that would be weird.

istandwithukraine · 04/03/2022 20:00

At 11 month’s her baby’s main source of nutrition is still breast milk.

Not over the age of 12 months it isn't

pictish · 04/03/2022 20:01

Same planet, different worlds. You’re all BABY and she’s all WEDDING and neither can see past your own pov. It happens.

I don’t know if she will ‘get it’ when she has a baby. We’re all different and I would have left mine behind with dh for a weekend away at 13 months. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, you should do what you’re comfortable with…but I wasn’t an anxious mum and never much related those who were. She might not either.

mum2bee2022 · 04/03/2022 20:03

@wannabeamummysobad

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'm with your friend on this. As someone who got married in my early 30s (one of the last of my friends) I was so upset when friends who I shelled out hundreds of pounds for friends hens, weddings, baby showers etc came with excuses about money worries/kids as to why some wouldn't do the same for me.

Your husband can look after your child and actually if you really wanted to attend you would have found a way to do both eg return flight the same day or fly out with your husband and put him in a nearby hotel so you can feed your child before bed - you've had more than enough notice.
You could have offered to take her out for dinner/lunch before her hen to show how much you care.

Ultimately you've decided your friend isn't that important to you (as is your prerogative) and she's done the same by ignoring you.

I'm pregnant now and was making plans to attend a wedding abroad when my baby will be a few months old. Why because these friends mean allot to me. I won't be able to stay for the reception but I'll be there because they also want me there.

Totally agree! Really annoys me when brides have all the bells, whistles and attention for their hen/wedding and then can’t give the same back when it’s their friends turn. It’s so selfish!
ImInStealthMode · 04/03/2022 20:03

@blahblahbiscuits That's not very fair. We're getting married this year and people (including very close friends) ask in conversation how the plans are going and are excited for us but nobody has at any point 'checked in' on our plans or 'offered to help' and honestly I'd be baffled if they did. Help with what exactly?

Orangesquish · 04/03/2022 20:04

OF COURSE you're going to prioritise your baby over your friend! That's how it goes. Our children take the no 1 spot, and travel is tricky when they're babies.

Hopefully your friend will realise what a dick she's been in time, OP. Incidentally I had to go away for 2 nights when my DC was 1 and still breastfed, and it was SO uncomfortable. I couldn't pump enough to ease the discomfort, it was awful.

MajorCarolDanvers · 04/03/2022 20:04

She is not your friend. She is self absorbed muppet and you are well shot of her.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 20:04

YANBU and don’t let anyone tell you you are.

It’s a flight away and, crucially, your baby is breastfed.

Unfortunately, if/when friend has a baby of her own, she will probably end up bottle-feeding it, and STILL won’t get why you couldn’t come.

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