Declining Hen party invite

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

It’s abroad (1 hour flight) for a weekend

I was excited about it and wanted to go -

I have an 11 month old and now that it’s coming closer I don’t actually feel ready to leave her overnight yet (she will be 13 months at time of hen) she’s breast fed and still needs a feed once in the night and just before bed and will
Absolutely not take a bottle

She would probably be ok with my husband - he’s well able to look after her -but I just have a sense of dread about being far away from her - I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Being a flight away just feels to much

Told my friend all this and declined the invite and offered to take her out to the theatre and dinner & cocktails another night just the 2 of us instead!

She has since text me saying

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

Since then she has not spoken to me nor have I actually received an invite to the wedding (everyone else has)

Wtf 😳 I’m so sad and also angry thinking I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not being ready to leave my baby

Do I message her and try salvage things or just let the friendship go

Tbh I am just done

Life is too short and maybe as other have said I’m a shit friend

But I’m fine with that then

I don’t see friendships as transactional

I have heaps of other friends who I see when I see them and sometimes I go to stuff sometimes I dont

Her coming to my hen was her choice tbh and then if she didn’t want to come cus she had a family thing then she should have declined that’s not my fault

Never do I get over excited or involved in anyone’s wedding (even my bestie of 30 years) I always accept the invite and show up on the day as a guest as requested I never know really knew it was expected to be super interested - in this case for 3 years

When she couldn’t give a crap about my pregnancy or baby

I think yea we have drifted and maybe after all she wasn’t a great friend anymore and it’s time for the friendship
To end

That’s acceptable tbh and I think il just accepted that

Thanks
.

I’m fine with choosing my beautiful baby over a friend tbh

[quote MichelleScarn]@wannabeamummysobad
I was so upset when friends who I shelled out hundreds of pounds for friends hens, weddings, baby showers etc came with excuses about money worries/kids as to why some wouldn't do the same for me.

You wouldn't understand why someone with money worries couldn't afford to attend your hen?[/quote]
No I could not - especially with over a years notice. I understand friendships aren't transactional however when you're the single friend who's paid for hen dos abroad, attended weddings with no plus ones all over the country so have had to cover the cost yourself plus the cost of a gift then gone to baby showers the least a friend can do is attend your hen. And when they attend your wedding bring a gift! I've done that when money is tight - why because I thought the friendship meant something so it hurts when it's not reciprocated.

I don't know anyone who organises a hen or a wedding with only a few weeks notice.

I find it really insincere when mums claim poverty or childcare issues when the father is in the picture. Tell the truth- you don't care about the friendship and don't be pissy when the bride backs off.

Your updates do sound like you are completely uninterested in her & your friendship, and are so cold. So it's probably the right choice for both of you.

Your friend is being mean. She could have planned a hen that took her friends lives into consideration. It could have been local and accessible. She is asking you to separate from your young, breastfeeding child before you are ready.

OP - it's fine not to want to leave your baby and it's fine to prioritise your baby over your friend. She souds over the top ad you are better off without someone who has so much drama surrounding her.

She is the unreasonable one. Seriously. Bridezilla. I had a similar experience years ago when I was to be a bridesmaid for my friend. At the time my DD was 2 and my then DH worked abroad so I was essentially a single parent. My DD had never stayed over with anyone and I was working up to having her stay at my inlaws for both the hen night and the wedding. I wasn't looking forward to it as my DD had some health issues and had just stopped breastfeeding- like your DC she wouldn't take a bottle and I was trying to work around the attachment issues she had. My friend knew all of this.

Never made it that far. I told my friend I would drive on the hen night so that I could leave early/if I needed to as this would be the first night DD would be away from me all night. I was told this was "unacceptable". My friend then gave me a list of "rules" for the wedding day itself - I wasn't allowed to wear jewellery to the wedding unless it was the stuff she wanted me to wear (I have sensitive skin and the stuff she bought for me brought me out in a nasty rash). I wasn't to wear a watch as she didn't want me looking at the time every 5 mins as I would be worried about my DD. I MUST have a few drinks "at least" as staying sober at a wedding is just "not the done thing". I wasn't allowed to have my mobile phone on me in case it went off and ruined the ceremony and I wasn't allowed to leave the wedding until the last guest had left cos "that's the job of the bridesmaid". I actually thought she was joking and when I spoke to her and said she was being unreasonable, she was quite nasty. I told her to shove her bridesmaid duties where the sun doesn't shine and said I would come back to her when she had a 2 year old that she was raising alone and tell her that she wasn't allowed to use her phone or leave a party early or look at her watch so that she could check on her child. She hasn't spoken to me since. It was many years ago and she has since been divorced. She has a child and part of me would love to revisit things and ask whether she still thinks her attitude was worth losing a friend over.

I would move on if I were you. She will understand, in time, when she has kids of her own but she is so wrapped up in her own bubble of self importance that she can't see what an asshat she is being. Stand your ground and do what feels right for you as a mum. She will see one day that her wedding isn't the single most important thing in anyone's life but her own and hopefully she will regret behaving like such a child.

@wannabeamummysobad I don’t understand- you want people struggling with money and kids to prioritise your hen do I’ve their food budget and heating? Things change- since having kids our household disposable income has been slashed from around £2200 to £500 a month due to childcare costs, me working part time etc etc. we have no luxuries, have to budget hard for things like MOT. Even with a years notice I couldn’t afford an expensive hen weekend and that would be my last priority if I saved some money. That attitude is so bad and will ruin friendships if you let it.

I’m glad you’ve made your peace with your decision. It really is up to you and what you feel comfortable with.

I have never got involved with or excited about anyone else’s wedding plans either btw. I agree with you on that score.
My own wedding was small, inexpensive as weddings go and informal…I didn’t need input from anyone else. I’m not sure what sort of involvement these brides want? I’m not going to do my nut over someone else’s wedding favours, colour scheme or decor…I won’t be counting down the days to the date. I will go and get pished on a hen do and turn up for the event. What else is there?

@JamieLeeT

Cringing beyond belief at all those spouting the oh she'll understand what a dick she's being when she has kids of her own. What absolute rubbish.

I believe some PP’s are speaking from personal experience.

“I find it really insincere when mums claim poverty or childcare issues when the father is in the picture. Tell the truth- you don't care about the friendship and don't be pissy when the bride backs off”
This is a bit of a dickish thing to say. Consider the fact that the father isn’t always the breadwinner and also consider everyone’s finances are not cookie cutter scenarios. No one knows anyones complete financial situation to be the judge.

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

If that's all it takes to lose her, she's not much of a friend then eh?

@MattHancocksPrivateNurse we can agree to disagree. From personal experience everyone has financial difficulties at a point in time. When a single person potentially living alone, saving for a house, having to feed a single household (more expensive than a couple per person) etc goes out of her way to celebrate your days (hen, wedding, kids) it's not right to make her feel bad when it's her "turn" and she's upset you aren't doing the same. I was that person who sacrificed my own holiday to attend a hen with 14 women I didn't particularly know, paid a fortune for a hotel room (single person surcharge) for two nights to attend a wedding, paid a fortune to travel up and down the country to attend a wedding then purchased a gift on top of that. You do that because you think you have a strong friendship. Of course you'll be upset if your friends downgrade that friendship when you ask for the same.

You are basically punishing her for not finding her "one" as young as you did and that's not fair.

Most of the women on this thread had their days and loved the focus but then make your friends feel shit for wanting the same.

Reminds me of the SATC episode where Carrie attended a child's party/baby shower in expensive shoes and her friends kid destroyed them. Instead of apologising the friend tried to shame Carrie for buying expensive things - because Carrie wasn't a mother. The friend conveniently forgot how much Carrie has done over the years for her and her kids, wedding etc. That's what some of you remind me of.

OPs friends text was valid - she was being honest. She's better than me as I wouldn't say anything but I would draw back. In fact I have.

Let her go. She sounds very selfish. It’s her loss.

I find it really insincere when mums claim poverty or childcare issues when the father is in the picture

Naïve, ignorant, uneducated- take your pick

Kids or no kids, money or no money, nobody is obliged to go a bloody hen party, especially when it involves travel and a night away.

I'm about to get married for the second time, one close friend will have been my bridesmaid at both. She couldn't make it to my hen do last time, and this time I'm not having one, but if I was and she couldn't make it (she's just opened her own business so quite likely) then it would be fine by me. She'll be at the wedding, which is the day that matters. I went to her 3 day hen a flight away back when she got married.

OP's friend is being precious. It's ok to be disappointed that the people you'd like there can't make it. It's not ok to bitch and sulk about it.

@dfendyr

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

If that's all it takes to lose her, she's not much of a friend then eh?

If you read the other posts on here by OP, it's very clear she wasn't that fussed on the friendship anyway so I think both are better off without eachother. I'd say it's more a case of everyone else has been invited to the wedding and now OP is going to miss out.

OP is probably sounding “cold” because she’s hurt and defensive imo.

She offered to go out for the night for theatre and cocktails with the bride to make up for it and it still wasn’t good enough.

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@MattHancocksPrivateNurse we can agree to disagree. From personal experience everyone has financial difficulties at a point in time. When a single person potentially living alone, saving for a house, having to feed a single household (more expensive than a couple per person) etc goes out of her way to celebrate your days (hen, wedding, kids) it's not right to make her feel bad when it's her "turn" and she's upset you aren't doing the same. I was that person who sacrificed my own holiday to attend a hen with 14 women I didn't particularly know, paid a fortune for a hotel room (single person surcharge) for two nights to attend a wedding, paid a fortune to travel up and down the country to attend a wedding then purchased a gift on top of that. You do that because you think you have a strong friendship. Of course you'll be upset if your friends downgrade that friendship when you ask for the same.

You are basically punishing her for not finding her "one" as young as you did and that's not fair.

Most of the women on this thread had their days and loved the focus but then make your friends feel shit for wanting the same.

Reminds me of the SATC episode where Carrie attended a child's party/baby shower in expensive shoes and her friends kid destroyed them. Instead of apologising the friend tried to shame Carrie for buying expensive things - because Carrie wasn't a mother. The friend conveniently forgot how much Carrie has done over the years for her and her kids, wedding etc. That's what some of you remind me of.

OPs friends text was valid - she was being honest. She's better than me as I wouldn't say anything but I would draw back. In fact I have. [/quote]
So. Much. Projection.

[quote wannabeamummysobad]@MattHancocksPrivateNurse we can agree to disagree. From personal experience everyone has financial difficulties at a point in time. When a single person potentially living alone, saving for a house, having to feed a single household (more expensive than a couple per person) etc goes out of her way to celebrate your days (hen, wedding, kids) it's not right to make her feel bad when it's her "turn" and she's upset you aren't doing the same. I was that person who sacrificed my own holiday to attend a hen with 14 women I didn't particularly know, paid a fortune for a hotel room (single person surcharge) for two nights to attend a wedding, paid a fortune to travel up and down the country to attend a wedding then purchased a gift on top of that. You do that because you think you have a strong friendship. Of course you'll be upset if your friends downgrade that friendship when you ask for the same.

You are basically punishing her for not finding her "one" as young as you did and that's not fair.

Most of the women on this thread had their days and loved the focus but then make your friends feel shit for wanting the same.

Reminds me of the SATC episode where Carrie attended a child's party/baby shower in expensive shoes and her friends kid destroyed them. Instead of apologising the friend tried to shame Carrie for buying expensive things - because Carrie wasn't a mother. The friend conveniently forgot how much Carrie has done over the years for her and her kids, wedding etc. That's what some of you remind me of.

OPs friends text was valid - she was being honest. She's better than me as I wouldn't say anything but I would draw back. In fact I have. [/quote]
@MajorCarolDanvers instead of cherry picking read the entire thread.

It's fine to decline an invite to something that doesn't work for you, for whatever reason. I find it baffling when people take offence at this- particularly when the event in question is expensive. There is absolutely no reason for the 'friend' to have taken this so personally - the expectation that you would pay a significant amount and put your family to great inconvenience is entitled on her part.

@wannabeamummysobad

I am glad you u-turned from I find it really insincere when mums claim poverty or childcare issues when the father is in the picture. Tell the truth- you don't care about the friendship and don't be pissy when the bride backs off

to recognising everyone has financial difficulties at a point in time

Wonder if you will apologise to the pp for calling her insincere and pissy and not telling the truth now that you recognise that financial difficulties are not exclusive to single parents?

Have you apologised to the PP for calling her insincere and pissy.

@wannabeamummysobad we will definitely have to. If you prioritised my hen do over saving for a house or food etc I’d be mortified and adapt my plans to make them cheaper. My one stipulation for my hen do was that it was affordable and I paid for my own part. Just because you are willing to make those sacrifices doesn’t mean everyone is. NB: I always make an effort for the wedding especially of a good friend and would move heaven and earth to be there. A hen do is v different to a wedding day.

[quote MajorCarolDanvers]@wannabeamummysobad

I am glad you u-turned from I find it really insincere when mums claim poverty or childcare issues when the father is in the picture. Tell the truth- you don't care about the friendship and don't be pissy when the bride backs off

to recognising everyone has financial difficulties at a point in time

Wonder if you will apologise to the pp for calling her insincere and pissy and not telling the truth now that you recognise that financial difficulties are not exclusive to single parents?

Have you apologised to the PP for calling her insincere and pissy.[/quote]
Who on this thread did I call insincere for claiming financial poverty?

I called out OP for being in my opinion a shitty friend who made invalid excuses - I used examples of what she could have done to attend the hen ie putting DH and DD in a hotel nearby so she could do this bedtime feed.

I then spoke to a lived example of mums that I know pleading childcare and financial constraints when DH is in the picture and they were happy for others to celebrate their occasions.

Finally I spoke to a fictional example of SATC where mums like to invalidate the feelings of friends without kids.

Please find the example of me calling out someone specifically on this thread for pleading poverty.

@MattHancocksPrivateNurse you in that case are a better person than most because from personal experience it's those who expected the most from me who did the least when my time came around.