Declining Hen party invite

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

It’s abroad (1 hour flight) for a weekend

I was excited about it and wanted to go -

I have an 11 month old and now that it’s coming closer I don’t actually feel ready to leave her overnight yet (she will be 13 months at time of hen) she’s breast fed and still needs a feed once in the night and just before bed and will
Absolutely not take a bottle

She would probably be ok with my husband - he’s well able to look after her -but I just have a sense of dread about being far away from her - I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Being a flight away just feels to much

Told my friend all this and declined the invite and offered to take her out to the theatre and dinner & cocktails another night just the 2 of us instead!

She has since text me saying

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

Since then she has not spoken to me nor have I actually received an invite to the wedding (everyone else has)

Wtf 😳 I’m so sad and also angry thinking I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not being ready to leave my baby

Do I message her and try salvage things or just let the friendship go

It’s probably already gone from what you say.....I wouldn’t message.....just let things be

YANBU- it is your decision to go or not regardless of the reason. She’s not a real friend at all.

She’ll have a baby in a few years and realise what an ass she was

@Wedonttalkaboutboris exactly what my mum said to me 😂

My best friend didn’t go to my hen and I didn’t go to hers. It was simply down to me having prior commitments and not being able to travel abroad and her not being ready to leave her baby.
We spoke about it face to face and easily understood each other’s positions. J would never have forced her into leaving her baby and wouldn’t assume that because she couldn’t go then she didn’t care about me.
I think she is overreacting.
I don’t understand why so many hen parties need to be abroad now!
Could she not do the best of both and have a smaller home hen and then one abroad? Surely not everyone will be able to make it abroad.
You’ve been pleasant and offered to do something nice to her.
Id leave it for now and then in a few days I’d probably message back to say you can’t wait to celebrate her special day and want to be involved as much as you can but sadly you can’t commit to travelling abroad right now. You’d love to be part of something at home and would happily arrange a day/ night out etc
Then I’d leave it as that. It’s up to her how she reacts, maybe she’s just stressed and other people are backing out too!

Most people really aren’t bothered about other peoples weddings. Or hen weekends for that matter.
Maybe one day she’ll realise what a knob she’s been, maybe not.
If this is all it took to break the friendship it really wasn’t very strong in the first place.
Your life with a baby is moving on now and you will probably find many ‘old’ friends are in a different place. That’s ok.
Move on, enjoy your baby and you will meet new friends who understand how things have changed.
I wouldn’t do anything at all relating to the wedding and friendship now.

@Fupoffyagrasshole I cringe at the stuff I used to be put out about now 😂 although I never acted anything remotely like your friend has! She sounds very self absorbed. Why do so many people getting married seem to think the world has to revolve around them?

Given you have nothing to lose, I’d be tempted to send her one last message stating that your priority is your baby and it’s a shame that she has misinterpreted this to mean that you don’t care about her wedding. Also, reiterate that a flight feels too far away to be away from your baby right now. I’d also be making sure friends knew what had actually gone on in case she decides to create her own narrative!

I'm going to go against the grain and say I'm with your friend on this.
As someone who got married in my early 30s (one of the last of my friends) I was so upset when friends who I shelled out hundreds of pounds for friends hens, weddings, baby showers etc came with excuses about money worries/kids as to why some wouldn't do the same for me.

Your husband can look after your child and actually if you really wanted to attend you would have found a way to do both eg return flight the same day or fly out with your husband and put him in a nearby hotel so you can feed your child before bed - you've had more than enough notice.
You could have offered to take her out for dinner/lunch before her hen to show how much you care.

Ultimately you've decided your friend isn't that important to you (as is your prerogative) and she's done the same by ignoring you.

I'm pregnant now and was making plans to attend a wedding abroad when my baby will be a few months old. Why because these friends mean allot to me. I won't be able to stay for the reception but I'll be there because they also want me there.

@Fupoffyagrasshole just saw you offered to do something nice so my response shouldn't have been so harsh. However my first point around doing your best to attend still stands

My only thought - I’m guessing a hen do abroad hasn’t been organised with only 2 months notice, so have you cancelled having previously said you’d be game (+/- after stuff has been booked and paid for)? I’d be a bit annoyed if a guest did that to be honest. If it’s that you genuinely said no right from the start, then I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

I didn't have a hen do and only has close family to wedding so feel no obligation to go to things that are massively inconvenient. I wouldn't be leaving my breast fed baby to go abroad on a hen. Let her simmer, see if she comes back, and leave it alone

I agree with @wannabeamummy. It is shit when you've spent time and money on your friends important occasions and then they dont reciprocate.

Your feelings about leaving the baby are valid and understandable, and it makes sense you didn't know how you'd feel at the time BUT you agreed to go and are now letting her down. Regardless of the reason, this is always going to disappoint someone and in your case there isn't actually a valid reason for not going (e.g. nobody to look after baby, baby being very ill) its just your feelings that baby MIGHT get ill and you MIGHT not be able to get back quickly. Realistically this is very very unlikely. You're not going because you can't,you're going because you dont want to, and therefore prioritising your feelings over your friends, whereas she did the opposite for you for your wedding.

A full week away in florida or baby being very very young- yes would fully understand -one night one hour flight away and leaving a child who will be over a year old isn't being particularly precious or demanding! Loads of people commute more than that daily! Most women are back in work once their kids are 13 months old (if not months before) which for lots of jobs includes overnighters.

Anybody that has a hen do or wedding abroad has to expect that not everybody will be able to attend

Unfortunately a lot of people can't handle this fact and throw a little strop. Leave her to it. It sounds like she's made her mind up now anyway

@AliceW89 it has only been organised literally 3 weeks ago ! So I never agreed to go

Her sister added me to the WhatsApp group - I took 3 days to think about it and declined so it isn’t like I said I’d go months ago or anything’s been paid for

I think a flight away to get home is different then being in the country tbh ! It wouldn’t be easy to just pop back if there was an emergency

I do get that it probably sounds a bit precious - but I just have a real sense of anxiety about being far away and unable to be with her if she needed me - I do suffer a bit with anxiety so thinking of all the bad things that could happen!

Also I don’t think friendships are transactional - it’s not a point scoring thing oh I attended yours so now you have to come to mine - you didn’t come to my birthday so I’m not coming to yours.

I’m feeling like she’s saying she didn’t want to come to my hen but did out of some sense of duty (fyi my hen was a 20 min train ride and it was literally a day and night out and a few of us stayed in a hotel for a treat but most people went home after.

[quote Fupoffyagrasshole]@AliceW89 it has only been organised literally 3 weeks ago ! So I never agreed to go

Her sister added me to the WhatsApp group - I took 3 days to think about it and declined so it isn’t like I said I’d go months ago or anything’s been paid for[/quote]
Cool, well thats definitely the best way to say no to a hen do. Having organised one recently, the bloody things can be so stressful 😂 I do agree with PPs though. Wether you like it or not, when you have DC you are forced to make choices. You have chosen not to go to your friends hen do. I’d hope she’d try and understand your reasons, but equally I can understand why she’d be upset. I hope your friendship can get past this x

Totally understand, I have an 18mo and I think I could probably think about leaving him for a night with his Dad. Not sure if i'd want to venture abroad though. Also what a mega faff getting to and from airports and the flight etc. For one night away!
I have a 3 night minimum limit for trips abroad, is not worth all the hassle of flying otherwise.

I used to think people with kids were a bit lamo in terms of going socially awol once having kids but now I totally get it. I feel like I'm just going to hunker down till my boy is about 4 and then come out of the trenches 😅

Is really sad that she seems to have not invited you to the wedding. You did offer to take her on a night out. Lots of people missed my hen do, same with guests invited to other hens weekends I've been on. These events really shouldn't define your life.

Haha yes @Geranium1984 I used to roll my eyes at other friends with babies when they couldn’t come to stuff - I never said anything though - I wouldn’t I just secretly thought they were being lame haha.

But now I totally get it

We would have been leaving the baby overnight for the actual wedding in a few months with my parents - but again we would only be an hour away if we really needed to get back!

Ok after your update I've changed my verdict to YANBU Honestly your OP did give the impression you had agreed to go and then changed your mind "I was excited to go....but now its coming closer".

If you said straightaway you couldn't come thats fair enough, you haven't kept anyone down. I can still see why she was disappointed but you basically did offer a very similar celebration for her as she did for your hen - e.g. dinner and drinks so you're hardly ignoring her special event completely. It's when people agree then drop out I think is rude (obviously unless they have a really good reason!)

*let anyone down, not kept!

@Fupoffyagrasshole I totally agree that friendships shouldn’t be transactional! None of my friends approach our relationship like this. Several of my closest friends were unable to attend my hen for various reasons and I didn’t even think to hold it against them as some kind of tit for tat or feel that they ‘owed’ me because I’d previously attended their events.

If it became a pattern of behaviour and they were repeatedly letting me down or weren’t there for me when I felt I needed them, then I would re-evaluate the importance I was placing on them. But this isn’t that, I wouldn’t throw away a long lasting friendship over something so silly. She’s overreacting.

I lost a friend because I couldn't afford to go on their hen do abroad for 24 hours, nor could I have the day off work (Friday, term time and I'm a teacher) and she never spoke to me again 🤷‍♀️.

Eurghh, this made me cringe. I was very put out that one of my bridesmaids couldn’t come on my hen do due to having a similar aged baby and I’m sorry to say I was a dick about it. Not to the extent of your friend, just a mild strop but I soon came round and realised I was being a dick. Since having kids I definitely understand these things better. Hopefully she realises before it’s too late as not inviting you to the wedding over it is a total over reaction.

[quote Wedonttalkaboutboris]@Fupoffyagrasshole I cringe at the stuff I used to be put out about now 😂 although I never acted anything remotely like your friend has! She sounds very self absorbed. Why do so many people getting married seem to think the world has to revolve around them?

Given you have nothing to lose, I’d be tempted to send her one last message stating that your priority is your baby and it’s a shame that she has misinterpreted this to mean that you don’t care about her wedding. Also, reiterate that a flight feels too far away to be away from your baby right now. I’d also be making sure friends knew what had actually gone on in case she decides to create her own narrative![/quote]
This is good advice. DD1 was bottled feed by this point so I would have gone but with bf DD2 there is no way I could have managed it.

I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Well, if you actually wanted to go that's easily surmounted - you go away for a night before the hen do so it's not the first time. Problem solved.

You don't want to go. Don't make your baby your excuse, it's disrespectful.

And don't do the patronising "oh she couldn't possibly understand because she doesn't gave children" shtick. That's just embarrassing for you.

The friendship probably is over if you view this person with the level of contempt you've shown here. That's on you though not her.