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Original poster

Declining Hen party invite

130 replies

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/03/2022 12:23

So I’ve essentially (I think) lost a friend over being unable to go to her hen party!

It’s abroad (1 hour flight) for a weekend

I was excited about it and wanted to go -

I have an 11 month old and now that it’s coming closer I don’t actually feel ready to leave her overnight yet (she will be 13 months at time of hen) she’s breast fed and still needs a feed once in the night and just before bed and will
Absolutely not take a bottle

She would probably be ok with my husband - he’s well able to look after her -but I just have a sense of dread about being far away from her - I think the first time I leave her over night I would want it to be somewhere nearer so I can get back if needed in an emergency

Being a flight away just feels to much

Told my friend all this and declined the invite and offered to take her out to the theatre and dinner & cocktails another night just the 2 of us instead!

She has since text me saying

really disappointed you not coming to my hen. It’s only 1 night away. I missed an important family event to go to yours. I sometimes feel like you’re not bothered about my wedding, to be honest. Which is sad because I thought we were close friends.

Since then she has not spoken to me nor have I actually received an invite to the wedding (everyone else has)

Wtf 😳 I’m so sad and also angry thinking I shouldn’t be made feel bad for not being ready to leave my baby

Do I message her and try salvage things or just let the friendship go

OP posts:
DrAddisonForbesMontgomery · 04/03/2022 20:05

It sounds like you both aren't actually that close, so it should be no great loss. If she isn't interested in your baby / checking in after birth and you aren't interested in her wedding.

I always made sure to ask friends how their planning was going, was there anything I could do etc & they were the same with me. In my eyes that's what friends do, be supportive.

It's hard to leave a baby, it really is but one night an hours flight away isn't the worst thing she could have asked of you. You chose not to go and that's fine, but accept that it's not fine for her and just leave it be.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 20:06

How do the people saying the OP should go propose her breastfed baby is fed?

MichelleScarn · 04/03/2022 20:06

@wannabeamummysobad
I was so upset when friends who I shelled out hundreds of pounds for friends hens, weddings, baby showers etc came with excuses about money worries/kids as to why some wouldn't do the same for me.

You wouldn't understand why someone with money worries couldn't afford to attend your hen?

BeHappy91818 · 04/03/2022 20:06

I don’t think she’s self absorbed.

Did she actually miss a important event to attend yours…

It’s one night. Stop being so precious.

gemloving · 04/03/2022 20:07

If this was my friend, I would totally understand. I assume she doesn't have children because I feel like something like this can only come from someone who does not have kids. They don't get it and even though I went to my besties when mine was 3 months, it doesn't mean another mum is ready at 2, 5, 8, 10, 15, 20 months to leave their child. I would have suggested to do something just the two of you.

blahblahbiscuits · 04/03/2022 20:10

[quote ImInStealthMode]@blahblahbiscuits That's not very fair. We're getting married this year and people (including very close friends) ask in conversation how the plans are going and are excited for us but nobody has at any point 'checked in' on our plans or 'offered to help' and honestly I'd be baffled if they did. Help with what exactly? [/quote]
You don't actually have to give them anything to do. But knowing they were there to support us if needed was comforting.

We ended up having a disaster with our photographer and videographer both catching covid the week before and I was struggling to find others in such a short space of time. A friend from school rang to check in and after I told her, she took it upon herself to contact as many as she could and sent on the details of those available. The stress this took off me was immense.

I'm not saying all your friends HAVE to help out, we both know that's not realistic. But there's a big difference between friends who check in and are excited for you, and those who just see it as a day out.

In this case, it doesn't sound like either are that close to eachother. Perhaps they were at a time but you would expect a friend to care about your baby/wedding.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 20:11

@BeHappy91818

I don’t think she’s self absorbed.

Did she actually miss a important event to attend yours…

It’s one night. Stop being so precious.

And her baby that’s breastfed?

What should the OP do about that?

clouds56 · 04/03/2022 20:12

I'm in a very similar situation atm but with my sister (I am going to her hen just doing the 1 night instead of 2 and also have a 12 month old and feeling exactly the same as you).

She hasn't disowned me or anything but made me feel awful and used that dreaded word 'disappointed'. I'm actually pretty pissed off with the way she has reacted and have seen true colours.

You are 100% not in the wrong. Is your friend a mum? If not then one day if she ever does become one I think an apology will be coming your way!

tillyandmilly · 04/03/2022 20:16

I think not attending the wedding would be obviously valid for a bit of a strop - but a “hen” do - really? What is it with these hen do’s and going abroad ? The most important part is surely the wedding? Or is it always about a party these days!

sessell · 04/03/2022 20:18

YANBU. It's all become a consumerist circus. All about spending more and being seen to have more. I'm sure you won't be missed as a human, but numbers will be lower and therefore she'll fall behind in the bigger competition. She's made that clear in her message. This is not friendship it's consumerism. I'd be relieved to be out of it.

Liverbird77 · 04/03/2022 20:26

I lost a friend because I couldn't go to her wedding. We've not spoken in 11 years. Having got married in the intervening years, I think she was an absolute bitch about it. Weddings are not the centre of everyone's world, and hen parties less so!

I have a 3 year old and a 19 month old and o wouldn't want to be a plane ride away even now!
She'll understand one day.

Enjoy your lovely baby and don't feel guilty!

EarringsandLipstick · 04/03/2022 20:34

And her baby that’s breastfed?

What should the OP do about that?

Well, the baby is 11 months. She's not just breastfed. She eats quite an amount of solids & drinks water. I b/f all my 3 for a long time so I appreciate some don't take bottles easily / at all.

I still find it surprising that at 11 months b/f'ing is as much of an issue. Does OP have other things she wants to go to that require her to be away from the baby for long periods of time, missing a feed?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2022 20:35

You’re all good OP. She’s being a knob, no great loss.

ToiletHelp · 04/03/2022 20:39

A friend of mine did this, as well as bailing out of my wedding just a few days beforehand, citing covid. After making such an effort for her hen and wedding the year before and spending a fortune on both, she made no effort for me, and we were supposed to be good friends. I also missed a very important family event for her wedding.

Honestly, it really hurt and our friendship never recovered. So I fully see her point of view. And I say that as someone who also has a baby. Even though I am ridiculously sleep deprived as I don’t have the easiest of babies, I still make the effort to contact my friends just so baby doesn’t take over my life.

ToiletHelp · 04/03/2022 20:40

@EarringsandLipstick

And her baby that’s breastfed?

What should the OP do about that?

Well, the baby is 11 months. She's not just breastfed. She eats quite an amount of solids & drinks water. I b/f all my 3 for a long time so I appreciate some don't take bottles easily / at all.

I still find it surprising that at 11 months b/f'ing is as much of an issue. Does OP have other things she wants to go to that require her to be away from the baby for long periods of time, missing a feed?

What are you going to do when you’re back at work OP?
Dee00 · 04/03/2022 20:53

I think you need to accept if you don’t go you will lose your friend over it.

I had a hen party abroad when my DS was 9 months, I really didn’t want to go but felt like I had to. Luckily I had stopped breastfeeding by that point but I was gutted to leave him. I went and had the best weekend, admittedly I had a few tears when face timing home but I was pleased I had gone. I couldn’t stop kissing my little boy when I got home but we still laugh about the hen weekend to this day.

It’s entirely your decision but if I was you I would reconsider. I would also ring your friend regardless if you go or not and ask her over for a bottle of wine and a chat and be honest and tell her your concerns. She wouldn’t be a friend if she wasn’t bothered of you didn’t go, so she cares for you. Don’t lose a friendship over it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/03/2022 20:55

Let it go.
Your priorities have changed.
Hers may too, one day, and she’ll feel like a dick.

PiperPosey · 04/03/2022 20:57

You are in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.
Trust me when I say you will regret either one.
If you go you will feel bad that you left.
If you stay you will feel bad that you stayed.
.......................
I don't want to influence you either way, but if she truly is a real friend she'll shake it off.
If she's NOT then she won't.

It is totally your choice. Trust your gut. Daffodil

PiperPosey · 04/03/2022 21:01

I will add...when I had a 13 month old I would have jumped at the opportunity to get out with my girlfriends ( to an even like that..overnight abroad) ha..
( But then again I wasn't breastfeeding )

CoopsMalloops · 04/03/2022 21:07

You’re doing what you feel is best for you and your baby. That’s it, not really up for discussion imo. I applaud your good boundaries.

Everyone feels differently about potentially leaving their baby/children overnight. In a few years you might jump at the chance to get away, enjoy your baby and let it go, you have offered to take her out and that’s still not good enough? Let the friendship go.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 21:09

Well, the baby is 11 months. She's not just breastfed. She eats quite an amount of solids & drinks water. I b/f all my 3 for a long time so I appreciate some don't take bottles easily / at all.

I still find it surprising that at 11 months b/f'ing is as much of an issue. Does OP have other things she wants to go to that require her to be away from the baby for long periods of time, missing a feed?

I breastfed my first until 13 months and then had to stop, as I had to go overseas for a week.

It’s less about the baby needing breastmilk as that is it’s sole diet. Clearly the OP is past this point.

It’s about the night time and morning routine that the baby has. If the baby is used to going to bed after a breastfeed and/or waking up with one, then that’s an issue. Especially if the baby is a bottle-refuser.

Yes - the OP could attempt to start weaning her baby off the breast. That’s certainly what I did. But that was for work.

The OP may not be ready to do that - for a hen do. This is the hen do, not the wedding.

HoneyItIsntGoodLuck · 04/03/2022 21:11

To be honest, I would call her. Forget messaging.

Try to talk to her about it.

If her need to cut you off over-rides all else, then there’s not much you can do about it.

But a chat often goes a long way to resolving issues that messaging never does.

MattHancocksPrivateNurse · 04/03/2022 21:22

OP I had similar recently- I couldn’t afford to go to a hen do for a wedding I’m a bridesmaid for and her to say no and my friend wasn’t happy. I have two small kids and we were in the middle of a pandemic when it was organised and I’m glad I said no as costs have spiralled as have they cost of living. It’s awful as it’s not them- it’s you and your current situation. And I did feel bad as 5 years ago I would have loved a hen do abroad for 5 days and could have afforded it easily but a lot has happened since then!

IrishMama2015 · 04/03/2022 21:28

Hi Op, got an invite to a friends hen abroad a year in advance while 9 months pregnant. I said I wasn't sure how I would feel by then and to go ahead and organize without me and that I could book my own flight and hotel in same city if I changed my mind. After INTENSE pressure I agreed to go for 24 hours of the 48 they were going and I would fly from my nearest airport 1 hour away instead of her nearest airport 3 hours away. On the hen bride (university longtime friend) and her sister ere so rude to me and at her wedding she ignored my husband and I and our friendship was over. When she had a baby several years later and I also nearly died at the same time she suddenly tried to rekindle friendship. It was a no for me

SaintVal · 04/03/2022 21:31

Your 'friend' sounds horrible, OP. What a nasty message to send to you. I wouldn't call her! If you were my friend of course I would be disappointed you couldn't come but I would understand and certainly wouldn't send a mean message like that. It's irrelevant if you're breastfeeding or not; you don't feel comfortable with it and that is enough.

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