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Original poster

Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

466 replies

Aprilcherry04 · 28/02/2022 23:41

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 13:24

@nitsandwormsdodger

I would definitely decline mentioning that you come as a family unit and the days of DS kids being shut away are over send a gift of Down’s syndrome awareness leaflets , books videos and a subscription to a disability magazine for whole family
Is there a comma missing in that first bit or do you actually mean op shouldn't say they come as a package?
ImInStealthMode · 01/03/2022 13:32

@CourtRand

It's sad but tbh people can invite who they want to their own wedding. It's not about you...

I'm not inviting half my cousins and am only inviting the few who I have a better bond with. At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one.

Sorry.

I think you're missing the point here. The Bride and Groom aren't saying 'our numbers are limited so unfortunately we can't invite your Sons because there are other people we are closer to' which would be their absolute right.

They are literally saying 'We're not inviting one of yours Son because he has a disability' which is utterly despicable of them.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/03/2022 13:32

@Autumndays123 are you being purposely obtuse?

TheMooch · 01/03/2022 13:41

@Marvellousmadness

If your son is 20 and doesnt understand what a wedding is i may assume he is mentally much younger than his age on paper. Maybe it is a no kids wedding? You even said yourself he can be difficult. Maybe weddings aren't the right place for him. And maybe deepdown you know that but i can also understand that it would hurt. A lot.

Is your 25son even interested in going btw? I would have given anything to not go to a wedding at age 25 Grin

Just step back and assess. Because your sis has been honest and upfront about it. She may have even said it in a nice way... so dont make the way you explain it to your oldest the reason why it would cause a devide in the family.

WTAF. Angry
HomeHomeInTheRange · 01/03/2022 13:43

[quote Aprilcherry04]@FairyCakeWings I'm not upset at all that he's not invited to the whole day. None of the cousins are. Cousins are only invited at night.[/quote]
It's this that sort of blurs the extent to which you boycott. If you and DH go to the day time then you aren't attending anything that excludes DS2.

If you all decline the evening do they will probably just shrug because that's the mass event, no speeches, cake , toasts etc.

If I did go to the daytime event I would certainly decline the evening do, and would tell DSis how hurtful the exclusion of DS2 had been for all of you - including DS1. Just tell her how you feel. Not begging for an invite, just because it is reasonable for sisters to say when they are hurt.

Thethreecs · 01/03/2022 13:43

It's disgusting and disappointing to read this. Having a severely disabled dd I can relate, there are understanding people and there are awful people who don't think or care.

I had to speak to one of my sister's about her exclusions of dd, she arranged a day out for us all to make up, a day at a zip lining Park!!!! Some people are just dense.

If I were you I would not attend, for me the way I see it is, if my child is not welcome, then neither am I.

Balalarama · 01/03/2022 13:44

Op I am so so sorry for the ignorance of your relatives, I hope that with the fullness of time they will find some wisdom.

We have a very treasured individual with DS in our extended family. He absolutely makes every family gathering he attends, getting the dance floor going and lots of hugs for everyone. The last wedding we attended, he had us all twerking to the Spice Girls and won the impromptu limbo. Undoubtedly wouldn't have been the same without him. If your family do come to their senses, have a good think about attending in spite of their behaviour so far, it may open their eyes a bit. People can make tremendously stupid decisions under the pressure of organising a wedding.

LetHimHaveIt · 01/03/2022 13:44

'I think you're missing the point here. The Bride and Groom aren't saying 'our numbers are limited so unfortunately we can't invite your Sons because there are other people we are closer to' which would be their absolute right.

They are literally saying 'We're not inviting one of yours Son because he has a disability' which is utterly despicable of them.'

I think this part:-

'At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one'

strongly suggests they haven't missed the point at all. This poster expressly thinks inclusion of the OP's son will 'not make the day a happy one'. How nice.

TheMooch · 01/03/2022 13:48

I'd be furious and upset.

He is family.
Do they not think that after 20 years you've got the measure of your son and know what his triggers are and when and how to deal with him? Non of what you describe sounds like you cannot cope and he could destroy the wedding.

Weddings are about love.

Sounds like they only want perfect people looking people for a perfect looking wedding.

If my nieces did this to her nephew (my disabled son) I'd be heartbroken that they cannot accept him for who he is. Recognise we can manage him. It would feel like they are ashamed of him.

Would I go to the wedding? I might see the service on my own if it was practical to do so. Then I would take my immediate family out for some fun.

DeadButDelicious · 01/03/2022 13:52

Terrible behaviour from your sister. I wouldn't be going. And I'd be pretty vocal about why. This isn't about numbers or cost, it's about excluding a family member because they have DS. Shocking and disgusting behaviour at the best of times but to have it come from family? Awful. I'm so sorry OP.

cuddlymunchkin · 01/03/2022 13:55

I can see their point of view if he is known for inappropriate behaviour which you haven’t addressed.

ineedsun · 01/03/2022 14:00

Yes she has. Repeatedly.

UniversalAunt · 01/03/2022 14:01

I concur with calling out the disabilsm.

Also that your sister & nephew have known well your DS for years seemingly embracing his difference, & now for a family occasion have blatantly excluded him. This is very disappointing, no wonder you are upset.

Blanket boycott.

TrashyPanda · 01/03/2022 14:07

What a nasty thing to do.
I’m honestly disgusted at their behaviour.

I’d go out that day with both of your sons and not give the wedding a second thought.

Both of your sons sound lovely. Pity your sister and her kid are so unpleasant

Tiddlesthecat · 01/03/2022 14:07

That is awful! Absolutely awful and you must feel devastated! I would tell them all how devastated and hurt you feel and how as a result none of you will be attending. Explain that you are a family and every member is valued and not discriminated against and that you wish to stand up for your son in a world where discrimination is rife. Say that you had hoped that his family would have loved him as he is.

Clymene · 01/03/2022 14:23

@CourtRand

Also, as devastating as it is, if your son is ND then you should prepare yourself... because society won't accept him as he is. That's one of the major reasons disability is so hard :(
I'd imagine that the OP knows that already, given her son is 20. She's had to put up with shit from ignorant people like you for years.

And I'm not sure why you ended your previous post with sorry when you're not sorry at all.

Ganymedemoon · 01/03/2022 14:26

I agree with you DH. You don't go. I think it's disgusting that he's been excluded to a family wedding. I certainly would not be going and would do something fun with my family with the money instead. Tbh I am a bit gobsmaked!!

CourtRand · 01/03/2022 14:27

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

And for anyone worried about being targetted by a disabled adult asking for a cuddle here's an example of a conversation I had with ds friend recently.

Me - > Hello Ds friend, how are you?

Ds friend - > hello Neil, I am very pleased to meet you. Can i have a hug?

Me - > Well I don't really want a hug, but I can shake your hand instead if you'd like?

Ds friend - > yes. I would like to shake your hand

      >

Me - > Goodbye DS friend. Have a nice afternoon

Ds friend. - > Goodbye Neil, it was very nice. To meet you. I like your DS. Goodbye.

It really isnt that hard to engage with people who have disabilities. They aren't anything to be afraid of. Hmm

That's very sweet but also assumes all ND people have the same limitations which is very reductive of you.

A young man with ASD asked me to marry him when I was 12. I said no and he punched me in the face.

Not all interactions are gentle and positive and not all ND males are the same!

Topseyt · 01/03/2022 14:29

@Acesup

I'd say something like "sadly, I've spent the last 20 years battling to get society to accept my beloved son. I can't face that fight in my own family. So unfortunately, none of us are willing to attend in these circumstances, we hope the happy couple have a lovely day"
I think this would be the perfect response.
Juno22 · 01/03/2022 14:47

I'm so sorry OP. It's shameful of your family to treat your son like this. Please don't go and don't apologise. You are better than them.

I can't quite believe people behave like this then I read some of the posts on here and realise how wrong I am.

Chloemol · 01/03/2022 14:55

@CourtRand

It's sad but tbh people can invite who they want to their own wedding. It's not about you...

I'm not inviting half my cousins and am only inviting the few who I have a better bond with. At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one.

Sorry.

Did you actually read the post. They are deliberately excluding him, his brother will be invited
Nopetryagain · 01/03/2022 15:01

The state of some of the attitudes on this thread, bloody hell.

OP I am sorry there are such arseholes around.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 01/03/2022 15:03

I would decline the invitation, but be honest and make it clear that the reason is because your son is not invited. Not because you have no-one to look after him if you go, but because you object to him being left out.

Of course it’s up to your other DS whether he accepts the invitation, but don’t worry about “causing a rift” - the hurt has already been caused. By them.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 01/03/2022 15:07

@CourtRand Not all interactions are gentle and positive and not all ND males are the same

Indeed. However there is no suggestion at all that the OP’s Ds is violent or hostile in any way whatsoever. And yet it seems he IS being treated as if he is “the same” as a ND person who does react violently. Which is prejudice.

Stylemyeyes · 01/03/2022 15:13

@CourtRand

It's sad but tbh people can invite who they want to their own wedding. It's not about you...

I'm not inviting half my cousins and am only inviting the few who I have a better bond with. At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one.

Sorry.

Don’t think the OP said it was about her…

It’s pretty brutal to invite one cousin and not their sibling, even if the reason is just that you get on better with one.

But that’s not the case here. OP has said her DS is close to groom - the reason here is that they don’t want someone with Down’s Syndrome at their wedding.