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Original poster

Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

466 replies

Aprilcherry04 · 28/02/2022 23:41

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 15:21

@cuddlymunchkin

I can see their point of view if he is known for inappropriate behaviour which you haven’t addressed.
But that isn't the case is it. Its like saying "well if you're going to get drunk of course you can't come when op has stated she's t total. DS isn't inappropriate aka sexually harassing people, and what behaviour that needs tackling is always tackled.
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 15:26

@CourtRand

It's sad but tbh people can invite who they want to their own wedding. It's not about you... does the same apply to not inviting Sarah because she's black, Harri because he's sikh and Ben because he's gay? Is that still fine cos people can exclude on any basis and it's acceptable?

I'm not inviting half my cousins and am only inviting the few who I have a better bond with. At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one. why would you assume any cousins who are ND or have more chromosomes than you would ruin your day?

JemimaTiggywinkle · 01/03/2022 15:32

@cuddlymunchkin

I can see their point of view if he is known for inappropriate behaviour which you haven’t addressed.
Had you read all of OPs posts when you wrote this? Because she’s clarified what the “behaviour” is, and it doesn’t sound inappropriate at all to be honest.
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 15:35

Had you read all of OPs posts when you wrote this? Because she’s clarified what the “behaviour” is, and it doesn’t sound inappropriate at all to be honest.
And if anyone is inappropriate it's been the NT teens / adults treating him like some funny entertainment, saying they want to be his gf or hug etc then getting bored when he won't perform or disappear at their command. We need to teach our NT kids to do better. Something the ops sister seems to have failed at.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/03/2022 15:39

Being devil's advocate here but.. You know alcoholism is a disease too?? And also quite disabling?
Is it acceptable to pick and choose which conditions to discriminate against?

CombatBarbie · 01/03/2022 15:40

This is one of the few times that I hope the lazy journalists pick up this thread and that you sister and her kids recognise themselves.

BuyDirt · 01/03/2022 15:40

And if anyone is inappropriate it's been the NT teens / adults treating him like some funny entertainment, saying they want to be his gf or hug etc then getting bored when he won't perform or disappear at their command. We need to teach our NT kids to do better. Something the ops sister seems to have failed at.

Well said. There’s some horrible attitudes on this thread.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/03/2022 15:44

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

Being devil's advocate here but.. You know alcoholism is a disease too?? And also quite disabling? Is it acceptable to pick and choose which conditions to discriminate against?
Sorry, the quoted text didn't appear, but it was in response to sleepingstandingup's post regarding a pp' s alcoholic son.
ShagMeRiggins · 01/03/2022 15:45

However I would feel uncomfortable around a grown adult male that asked for a cuddle regardless of SN or not as a female it would be intimidating especially it it was on a dark dance floor lots of people distracted. I would probably leave the venue.

Or you could also say “no”, Seedandyarn. Possibly say “no, thank you,” if you wish to be polite.

I don’t know if you’ve experienced sexual trauma, if so I’m sorry that has happened, but the scenario is being asked to dance by an adult male. Which is fairly benign and traditional, if I recall correctly. It’s a yes/no question.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 15:45

@CourtRand

It's sad but tbh people can invite who they want to their own wedding. It's not about you...

I'm not inviting half my cousins and am only inviting the few who I have a better bond with. At £100-200 a head you can't invite people who will not make the day a happy one.

Sorry.

OFGS!

It's not the same thing at all

BoredZelda · 01/03/2022 15:46

My son's behaviour would not be disruptive. He might ask a pretty girl to dance and tell her that he loves her. If she said no he would move onto someone else.

He should be invited, but equally, he shouldn’t be doing this and given you appear to be able to stop him, I’d have thought setting this rule at the beginning is a better idea than you deciding when other people are not happy with it.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 15:47

@CourtRand

Also, as devastating as it is, if your son is ND then you should prepare yourself... because society won't accept him as he is. That's one of the major reasons disability is so hard :(
This is sadly true,

But most people expect better of their close family

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 15:49

Sorry, the quoted text didn't appear, but it was in response to sleepingstandingup's post regarding a pp' s alcoholic son. one you can get treatment from, unlike having an extra chromosome which is kinda for life.

CombatBarbie · 01/03/2022 15:53

@BoredZelda have you any experience of Downs Syndrome at all.....

Or are we now saying all DS people (male and female) are predators because they are warm, huggy people??

I can't believe in 2022 how fucking ignorant people are.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 15:54

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

Being devil's advocate here but.. You know alcoholism is a disease too?? And also quite disabling? Is it acceptable to pick and choose which conditions to discriminate against?
Also, one is a disease where you are highly likely to cause a scene if you can't control it. One isn't. The ops DS is tat risk or harming any one or causing a problem at the wedding. An alcoholic uncle would be.
SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 15:56

@BoredZelda

My son's behaviour would not be disruptive. He might ask a pretty girl to dance and tell her that he loves her. If she said no he would move onto someone else.

He should be invited, but equally, he shouldn’t be doing this and given you appear to be able to stop him, I’d have thought setting this rule at the beginning is a better idea than you deciding when other people are not happy with it.

So it's inappropriate for a lad to ask a female to dance? How the frig to discos and nightclubs work on that basis??
SpidersAreShitheads · 01/03/2022 16:04

Your DSis is a cunt, OP.

That's her nephew she's excluding. On the basis of his disability.

It's not as if she's worried he's going to be screaming in the church and she won't be able to hear her vows. She doesn't want him there because he MIGHT be a bit over-enthusiastic on the dance floor.

She's a horrible person. Tell her to shove her invite up her arse. Your son sounds lovely and so do you.

BottleOfSun · 01/03/2022 16:04

I’m sorry OP for how disgusting your family has treated your son. Don’t attend, don’t even acknowledge the day and if any other family members bring up the wedding and ask why you are not attending tell them the truth- they didn’t want your son there because of his disability. If that makes them uncomfortable then good!!

I had my closest friends brother at my wedding who has a chromosomal disorder, I’ve known him since I was 11 years old and would of NEVER even thought not to include him, this is worth a family rift in my opinion.

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 16:07

@cuddlymunchkin

I can see their point of view if he is known for inappropriate behaviour which you haven’t addressed.
WOW!!

My primary-aged DGC have a better level of reading comprehension than you!

It has been and is addressed!

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 16:08

@Anotherdayanotherdollar

Being devil's advocate here but.. You know alcoholism is a disease too?? And also quite disabling? Is it acceptable to pick and choose which conditions to discriminate against?
That poster said 'drunk'

That does not mean alcoholic. Could be they just don't know how to behave around drink

Nanny0gg · 01/03/2022 16:09

@BoredZelda

My son's behaviour would not be disruptive. He might ask a pretty girl to dance and tell her that he loves her. If she said no he would move onto someone else.

He should be invited, but equally, he shouldn’t be doing this and given you appear to be able to stop him, I’d have thought setting this rule at the beginning is a better idea than you deciding when other people are not happy with it.

It's a wedding!

All sorts of people ask other people to dance!

And as he's willing to take No for an answer that gives him a head start over many other men!

Imissmoominmama · 01/03/2022 16:20

Clymene

Tell them to fuck off. No attending, no gift.

Disablist arseholes

^^^

Absolutely this.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/03/2022 16:24

@Aprilcherry04 I'm sorry for your sister and her famines attitude but also for he crap you've had to read on here.

LifeIsBusy · 01/03/2022 16:25

Your son sounds like a wonderful human being. Stand by him and decline the insulting invitation.

I can only assume these people do not have children, they also probably shouldn't...

FairyCakeWings · 01/03/2022 16:27

[quote Aprilcherry04]@FairyCakeWings I'm not upset at all that he's not invited to the whole day. None of the cousins are. Cousins are only invited at night.[/quote]
Ok, thanks for answering. It’s confusing that you said to your sister that you’d have no one to look after your ds because if he wouldn’t be going in the day anyway, who would look after him then while you were at the wedding ceremony?

Your ds should absolutely have been invited, but I’m wondering if it’s come from your sister, or her son and partner. Or maybe even the brides family? What was your sister like when she spoke to you about it? Was she telling you in an apologetic way to warn you before you received the invitations, or does she think the choice her son and future dil have made is a normal and acceptable thing to do?