Son not invited to cousin's wedding but his brother is

[Aprilcherry04]

My nephew is getting married in a few months time. I was chatting to my sister earlier and she was talking about the wedding and she was telling me that the invites would be out soon. She said of course myself and my husband would be and my eldest son and partner would be evening guests but my youngest son (age 20)who has learning disabilities would not as her son and his fiancée have concerns that my DS2 would behave inappropriately. I explained to her that I would have no one to look after DS2 and she said perhaps my DS1 would look after him to allow me to attend. I would feel bad asking my elder to miss out on the evening party so wouldn't do that. I feel very upset for my DS2 and feel ostracised by my own family. I have cried solidly for 3 hours. DH has stated that we will just politely decline the invitation. My sister seemed surprised that I was hurt but my DS2 is the only one of the cousins not invited. I understand that it is up to the couple who they want to invite but I am still valid in feeling upset. If my own family cannot accept my son's limitations then how can I expect the rest of society to do so.

Anyone else counting up the number of times they've been to a wedding and had an inappropriate interaction with someone who was Neurotypical/able-bodied and told them to get lost? (I've had this and been ignored, grabbed...)
Will the bride and groom be sending a questionnaire to all guests and knocking off anyone who has behaved like tit or been a creep at a wedding? Why does your DS get some sort of special high bar for behaviour (when frankly he sounds lovely). They sounds awful. I wouldn't go.

who would look after him then while you were at the wedding ceremony?

Presumably his brother who is also invited to the evening do.

I wondered the same about the sister, is she being put in a difficult position (though I would still judge her harshly for agreeing to be the middle man in this brazen discrimination), or is she as shallow and heartless as the groom and bride?

That makes sense @MargotEmin

Clearly I’m being thick.

Seems very presumptuous of the sister that suggested the brother, but would be interesting to know if she deserves the harsh comments on here.

@FairyCakeWings My eldest son would look after him during the day and I thought he would then bring ds2 along with him in the evening. As ds2 is not invited it means that ds1 would be unable to attend in the evening.

@Aprilcherry04

They're worried about your son's inappropriate behaviour? I would tell them their disability discrimination is far more concerning so you won't be attending.

Absolutely disgraceful.

That's absolutely heartbreaking.

I'd call your sister and tell them not to bother sending any invites out. You don't want to attend a family occasion if you can't bring your entire family.

I'm so sorry OP. Weddings seem to dovthis to people.

I'd decline the invite like your DH has said but I would not phrase it as " sorry we cant come because" don't apologise!

Some of the comments on this thread are horrible and have very narrow minds with no clue about learning disabilities or Downs syndrome! The things OP has stated is part of his personality there's no maliciousness in it and the OP knows when to intervene if need be if someone is feeling " uncomfortable" if they knew anything about DS they would understand they are the most affectionate people it's in their nature nothing untoward about it.

OP I'd decline like I said and think it as their loss your ALL not there. I bet your DS would have been the light n soul of the party!!

@MargotEmin

who would look after him then while you were at the wedding ceremony?

Presumably his brother who is also invited to the evening do.

I wondered the same about the sister, is she being put in a difficult position (though I would still judge her harshly for agreeing to be the middle man in this brazen discrimination), or is she as shallow and heartless as the groom and bride?

This is the thing about older sons invite. It's most a not invite.

Bob can come but Steve can't.
Who will look after Steve?
Bob.
So Bob isn't expected to go either.

Even if it isn't a principled stance, they excluding Steve also means Bob can't go.

but would be interesting to know if she deserves the harsh comments on hereshe told her own sister that her nephew can't come because he can't be trusted to not act inappropriately,based on nothing but the number of chromosomes he has. Yes, she bloody does

Shocking behaviour. I wouldn't go!

I'd decline and tell them why. Not politely either. What a bunch of arseholes.

I 'm just putting this out there, and haven't thought it through really but, do you think that if your son with DS happened to be a girl, with the same behaviour, then they would be more or less likely to have invited him.
Speaking as someone with a male family member who has very significant special needs I feel that society has, for obvious reasons, different expectations regarding what is appropriate for men and women and that transitioning into adulthood can be especially challenging. People with special needs become adults. Some people would prefer not to think about that and as long as they remain child like will welcome them, suddenly changing as they grow older.
For what it's worth I feel that your son definitely should have been invited and that if there were any issues coming from any part of the family they could have been worked out beforehand, with the intent to make sure everyone present could enjoy the day, including your son. In this scenario, rationally speaking, he is way way more unlikely than a NT adult male to ever actually "do" anything inappropriate, simply because he has family members, who are used to monitoring behaviour, looking out for him.
I do however understand that some women, for whatever reason, can find themselves feeling very uncomfortable when faced with any unknown situation with a man, whether NT or not and so rationality doesn't really come into it. That said, if he accepts refusal graciously then really, at a wedding evening do, he's already on the right track.
Decline the invitation now for everyone. If there had been a prior reason for this situation that you were unaware of, eg an occasion in the past where someone hadn't felt comfortable, then this should have been talked about. If not, and just presuming that your son will behave inappropriately and upset someone, well then it's best to forget about them and their opinions.

If you tell them you're not coming because you don't want DS2 to miss out and they back track and invite him don't stay away. Take DS2 and let him join in the celebration. Hopefully he'll have fun and it will be an opportunity for your family to see than he can manage big events. There are sure to be more in the future.

And don't be embarrassed. The embarrassment belongs to those who chose not to invite him.

Speaking as the parent of a kid with SEND - I SO hope the bride is on this thread and can read the huge hurt and offence she's caused. If a family member tried to exclude my kid from a family occasion like this, I would find it hard to forgive and forget tbh....

[quote Aprilcherry04]@FairyCakeWings My eldest son would look after him during the day and I thought he would then bring ds2 along with him in the evening. As ds2 is not invited it means that ds1 would be unable to attend in the evening.[/quote]
So basically they are knowingly excluding BOTH your dcs….

Are you sure you were in good terms with them?

@RestingStitchFace

Speaking as the parent of a kid with SEND - I SO hope the bride is on this thread and can read the huge hurt and offence she's caused. If a family member tried to exclude my kid from a family occasion like this, I would find it hard to forgive and forget tbh....

Yes this exactly. We are lucky that our DS1 is surrounded by wider family and friends who love him and see him for the delightful young man he is.

Absolutely enraged by the (fortunately not too many) nasty and prejudiced comments on this thread.

This kind of behaviour really makes me mad! How dare he be excluded.

From a fellow mum whose learning disabled son has also been excluded from family events

@impossible

If you tell them you're not coming because you don't want DS2 to miss out and they back track and invite him don't stay away. Take DS2 and let him join in the celebration. Hopefully he'll have fun and it will be an opportunity for your family to see than he can manage big events. There are sure to be more in the future.

And don't be embarrassed. The embarrassment belongs to those who chose not to invite him.

This - don't lose contact with the rest of your family because of one or two supremely insensitive people.

To tell you the truth... I have read this entire thread and I want all of you with compassion and understanding to know that you are good people. You have light and love for those struggling in life with learning disabilites. We all know who you are.
..........................
And we also know those who do NOT have compassion and understanding? We know who you are too. You should be ashamed.

How vile and discriminatory. Don’t go. Don’t apologise. Don’t send a gift. How awful.

I think what’s even worse having read some of the further comments on this thread is just how uninformed some people still are about some disabilities. So narrow minded, it’s truly terrifying!

@Crucible

Anyone else counting up the number of times they've been to a wedding and had an inappropriate interaction with someone who was Neurotypical/able-bodied and told them to get lost? (I've had this and been ignored, grabbed...) Will the bride and groom be sending a questionnaire to all guests and knocking off anyone who has behaved like tit or been a creep at a wedding? Why does your DS get some sort of special high bar for behaviour (when frankly he sounds lovely). They sounds awful. I wouldn't go.

This is so true. My adult nephew has got learning disabilities, and I was a carer for a girl with profound and multiple cognitive disabilities (eventually becoming a close friend of her family). They're all invited to my wedding. I made sure to pick a venue with a Changing Places toilet handy and a room we could convert into a makeshift sensory room/quiet room for them to use if needed. I feel really sad whenever I read about people with learning disabilities being excluded as though they're complete strangers instead of close relatives, and even worse, the non-disabled people concerned not even seeming to realise that what they've done is cruel.

Since you're boycotting the wedding as a family now (and I don't bloody blame you!) I'd go along to the evening doo with DS2 and say, oh we did think it strange DS1 not invited *winks
Let DS2 work his magic, wedding guests love him and watch the disabalist pricks squirm as their friends come up to them one by one and say how great he is !
They'll be fretting for the rest of the night whether you'll let that bomb drop that they didn't actually want him there... which you could do just before the first dance or during the throwing of bouquet, B and G leaving for the night potentially....

Or are we now saying all DS people (male and female) are predators because they are warm, huggy people??

Did I use the word predator? No, I didn't.

OP stated they are able to stop their son from doing this if she feels it is going to far. I'm just suggesting it isn't her place to make this decision for others.

@FairyCakeWings - the OP also said her sister seemed surprised that she was hurt and upset by the exclusion of her DS2 - so it would seem that she was just as much in favour of him not being included as her own son/DIL-to-be - we don't actually know who in that family decided that the lad with Downs Syndrome was to be hidden away. :(

I also can't believe the poster who was punched at 12 by someone with ASD thinks that's in any way the same as being asked to dance by a lad with DS. They're not the same condition at all! Good grief.

@Aprilcherry04 - do you think you will tell your sister that none of you are coming because of this exclusion, or will you just send back the decline response by post and leave it at that? I can imagine there will be some backlash if you do all decline, but I would like to think they will ask you about it, at which point you can TELL them exactly how shit their disablist attitudes are.