Partner not invited to brothers wedding

[Andy94]

Hello there,
I'm looking for some advice. My brother is getting married shortly under the COVID restrictions of a limited guest list. I am 1 of 4 brothers, 2 are married, 1 is getting married and I have been with my partner nearly 2 years and we have just bought a house together. My brother who is getting married has invited the married partners but not my partner. Numbers are restricted but she feels singled out and I feel like I have been put in an unfair position. I am at a loss of what to do whether I attend the wedding or not go. I am worried about the rift not going will cause my family but if I go it how it impacts for my partner. My partner has got on well with all my family and it was a surprise when I found out she was the only partner not invited.

I would just attend the wedding alone and not make a thing of it. I've been in your brother's shoes - planning a wedding in Covid times and trust me it can be stressful! I'm sure he did the best he could with the limitations / restrictions and if he gets on well with your new partner then I'm sure it wasn't an easy decision. Not going seems like madness to me and could be something you really regret.

Just go.

I don't think it would hurt to speak to your brother and ask the question, but I wouldn't take it personally under the circumstances.

If the guest list is restricted due to Covid Rules, I would go to the wedding (and photographs), but skip the reception (if there is one).

Well I would be a bit pissed. Can you ask your brother to make an exception.

If you go on to marry this women and have kids with her there will always be family problems, that your brother caused, not her.

I bet she feels like shit really.

If you don’t plan on building a life with her then it doesn’t matter and go without her

When is the wedding? Guests might not be restricted after June 21st

Well - but who gets bumped off the list if she gets to go? Covid restrictions make it different to normal times

COVID has thrown all usual wedding etiquette out the window.

How well do they know your partner compared to the wives? Is it that they’ve known the wives longer? So might not necessarily a comment on your marital status but more a numbers game. It’s not like they’re deliberately snubbing her, COVID has meant some tough decisions for people getting married. My partner of over a decade wasn’t invited to my brother’s wedding last year; they get on well and there’s no issues; and DP was perfectly understanding that Dbro would rather have his best mate there than his sister’s partner.

As another poster said, who would you have them disinvite in favour of your partner?

Definitely go, your DP shouldn't take it personally (and neither should you).

I presume you've been together the shortest and he knows her least well and that's why she hasn't made the cut?

It's annoying but numbers are limited. If there were no limits I'm sure she would have been invited.

Sadly COVID has affected all of us in one way or another.
In your shoes I’d go but I’d be having a conversation with my brother to let him know how disappointed I was, and that in view of the fact that the other two’s partners were attending and you are in a long term relationship with yours it would have been polite to have had a word with your her to apologise and explain that in the present circumstances it was just not possible to increase numbers to allow her to attend. I bet he wouldn’t have been overjoyed had it being you getting married and not him.
I’d probably give the reception a miss to be honest it’s not much fun being the gooseberry!

Ask brother if she can be first reserve if someone can't come?

Covid times are a pain for everyone. Can she come along to wish them well outside etc? Seems you are quite a big family plus the brides family etc exactly who could they bump off the list?

This her opportunity to show the family what a lovely warm and understanding person she is tbh.

It would be years if ever before I thawed to that judgey brother you have. And possibly, if your partner has any goal to be married this is raising resentment against you in her, as you haven’t valued her enough to qualify her as ‘family’ in your family’s eyes.

we've just written our 'possibly 30' list incase we have to cut.

My best friend of 30+ years or my brother's girlfriend.. friend won. It's fucking brutal 😫

How soon and how restricted are the numbers? You’d be a dick to cause an issue if it’s a simple case of not being able to fit due to numbers—you have to have a cut off somewhere and it doesn’t sound like she would trump a close friend or an aunt on the invite list.

If they have big numbers then they are being unreasonable to draw a distinction.

workyticket did you single anyone out though? All siblings partners... except one? Friendship group plus partners... except one? This is not going to go down well. It’s very clearly family family family oh you don’t count yet.

@Workyticket

we've just written our 'possibly 30' list incase we have to cut.

My best friend of 30+ years or my brother's girlfriend.. friend won. It's fucking brutal 😫

This!!

Covid means that hard decisions have to be made about weddings guests and numbers. It is very unlikely to be personal - they know it is hurtful to divide you up - so unless you have sensed a previous hostility towards your partner from your family, just go and help your brother celebrate his day.

And by all means ask for an explanation if you are confused about why your partner wasn’t invited, but you probably know already. No room. It’s their day and already severely limited, so they had to draw the line somewhere. Be prepared for that answer and accept it.

Covid restrictions on numbers mean difficult choices for the bride and groom.

I wouldn't judge them or be upset if partner not invited because of restrictions on numbers- I'm sure if there were no restrictions. your partner would have been invited.

I don't envy people planning weddings at the mo at all.

I think this might be more likely to do with how long he's known his sister's in law, compared to your partner. Ordinarily it would be considered rude to not invite your partner, but Covid has changed the rules somewhat. Now that numbers are a big issue, people have to draw a line somewhere in their guest list. Like it or not, people do see marriage partners as being more permanent or important than partners who are still relatively new or only just living together. I wouldn't take it personally under the current circumstances.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think this might be more likely to do with how long he's known his sister's in law, compared to your partner. Ordinarily it would be considered rude to not invite your partner, but Covid has changed the rules somewhat. Now that numbers are a big issue, people have to draw a line somewhere in their guest list. Like it or not, people do see marriage partners as being more permanent or important than partners who are still relatively new or only just living together. I wouldn't take it personally under the current circumstances.

If she wants to be married she will take it VERY personally, against the op!

It’s not about that, it’s every partner but her, she clearly isn’t family. I’m sure she will remember she isn’t family in the brothers eyes when she goes on to get married and have kids with the op.

It’s not really about that, it’s the fact that the brother is not important enough for his partner to make the cut. Family first, but not you.

@timeisnotaline

workyticket did you single anyone out though? All siblings partners... except one? Friendship group plus partners... except one? This is not going to go down well. It’s very clearly family family family oh you don’t count yet.

Kind of, yes. 30 is a really low number.

Me, dp, ds, 2 sets if parents and one remaining gran = 8 gone already

Each of us have 2 brothers. 2 have partners who are nightmares in drink. They got cut - the 2 partners who are unlikely to cause bother stayed on the list. Nowt to do with marital status.

That's half the list gone already

It's so very, very difficult trying to fit everybody on these Covid restricted numbers lists.

It's not a nice thing to do when you've got a wedding or funeral to arrange, and scale it down to the 30 people allowed.
I have been to my Grandfathers' funeral recently, and it was so hard for my Grandmother to ask that only Grandchildren attend without husband's/ partners.
Your brother has had to choose who can attend on your side, as the bride has on hers. Surely your partner knows that numbers are tight?
I think you should attend the wedding so you are there for photographs etc.
These things really can't be helped, we are living under very difficult, and restricted conditions now.
It's not nice I know for your partner, but sometimes these things can't be helped.

It's harsh but she isn't family. It's hurtful and Covid circumstances are forcing a situation where the difference is bring made clear, but at the moment it is true.
Couples have got some really tough choices at the moment - do they include a gf who may or may not be permanent at the expense of someone they really want, like a close friend?
Ordinarily this would definitely be unacceptable behaviour but I'd cut them some slack right now. I think if I was your gf I'd understand their thinking and not make this a big deal.

Don’t make a big deal of it now, but when you do get married (regardless of whether it’s with this woman or not) repeat the favour. They get to choose who they want at their wedding but so will you - and if you don’t want the brother’s wife or kids there he has no right to judge it.